Probably an over reaction but it irks me!

[Tappergirl]

Both Step Kids were out most of yesterday, so I had a quick check in their rooms to see if there were any plates, cups etc, which shouldnt be. Whilst in SD's room, I see she has written a TO DO list on the wall, such as prepare for camp (going away), plan B for universities (she is probably not going to get into first choices) and the last was "Make Dad feel special". This made me feel very hurt . Anyone who has read my recent threads knows that I am going through a tough time at present, and I do not get any support from DH. From that comment she has written, it confirms my feeling that I am the Bad Cop in the household, when in fact it is me that needs to be felt special because of the work I do keeping this household together, and the things that I do for the step kids which they probably dont think about at all.

For those who dont know my history, we took the 2 step kids onboard fulltime 1.5 years ago, and I have had major problems adjusting. SD is 19 in January, and SS is 17 in October so not young.

Her written comment is playing on my mind. I wish someone would make me feel special.

i've had enough/ Going to be myself and do my thing. Hopefully in a week or 2 I can come back.

Tapper if that's what you want then ok. But I think this is about your dp more than the dsc and that's what we're all saying you need to think about. Sometimes resentment builds up because of Disney or lax parenting and then everything your dsc do can become difficult when normally you'd barely notice!

Btw what I mean about your dsS's behaviour is that it is normal and to be expected but I would still tell him off if he left chores til you got in as he needs to know that you may have needed them done In time for dinner or before going out somewhere etc but I wouldn't stress about it in the long run and it doesn't reflect badly on him.

Tapper that sounds like a nice thing that your sd wanted to do for her dad. Maybe she is thankful to her Dad for taking them in and wants to make him feel special for having her in the house even though it causes problems between him and his current wife.

I'm afraid I don't see what the OP has described as a "nice thing to do" - it is a blatant action designed to get a reaction.

There is nothing wrong with the sentiment, and in fact, at 19 years old, you might expect a previously surly teen to self-reflect a bit more on her behaviour and realise she's been hard on Dad.
But to write it down on a to-do list totally undermines the intent. "Make dad feel special" is not a task to be fitted in between a night out with friends and sending texts, it is a change in attitude, a life choice, not something to be prioritised alongside packing suitcases!

Either the DD thinks this is what is expected or her, or (more likely) she has written it to get a reaction. It's win-win for her; if Dad sees it and mentions it, she can play on what a committed, wonderful daughter she is, and if the OP mentions it, SD can be suitably outraged that her stepmum (spoken in the tone one reserves for shit on your shoe) has been snooping in her room.

I understand why you're upset, OP. I think you may have to detach a bit and accept that the hospitality, tolerance and welcome you have extended to your DHs adult daughter is not (yet) appreciated.

Wakey thank you for understanding the way I feel. I too feel it is a very strange thing to put on a to-do list , like a "task to tick off" once done!

I am not sure whether it was written to get a reaction, as neither me or DH usually venture into her room, and I will certainly NOT be bringing it up!

DH and I had had a couple of turbulent weeks and argued a lot. Perhaps she felt that I was the nagger and her Dad is hard done by and I am an awful wife. Little does she know that the dynamics of our relationship have changed because of her and her brother coming to live with us. It doesnt help that DH just doesnt "get" what pains becoming a SM has given me, and just starts an argument with every comment I make however positive. We have had a quiet if not strained couple of weeks as I bite my tongue before I say anything, as I know this is the only way to have a peaceful homelife.

What this does make me feel like however, is very resentful that I can not speak my mind without some kind of conflict. I am detaching from them all now, just so I can restore my sanity.