dsc's bloody neglectful mother - advice needed ladies

[wheresthelight]

Ok so for those of you who have read my posts know that we have an ongoing battle with dsc's "d"m over her neglectful attitude to their health on particular a particularly nasty foot mould for dss and impetigo for dsd but also fricking nits

She has refused to treat them for nits because she claims to have spoken to Dr, school nurse and other parents who all tell her it's futile and not to bother. Now having spoken to the gp and nurse practitioner (same village so same surgery) I know there is no way this is advice they have given her and my hv has spoke. To the school nurse for me and it certainly wasn't the advice I was given from them.

So the poor kids have come to us on Wednesday for first time in 2 weeks due to her cancelling contact since our last weekend, we hadn't seen them for 3 weeks at that point as she had again cancelled contact mid week due to sats etc. Both kids do their own hair so only wheb a plait was needed for dsd to go home (don't ask) did I go near her hair and she was absolutely riddled. Informed Dm and explained that first time looking (we were told they had just been treated and clear) and riddled so could she make sure and repeat treatment and follow gp advice of combing thru everyday.

Dsc's with us yesterday and scratching like you wouldn't believe so I enquired if Dm had treated for nits. Both say no and mum hasn't been combing either other than flicking a brush the before school. Now when I say riddled I mean that taking the comb thru one small section of dsc's fringe which is very short and about 20 nits fell out into my bathroom sink. Even dss was discussed. He asked what the black dots were so told him the truth, it's a mix of poop and eggs he said it made him feel sick (11 in 3 weeks) and was cross mum was ignoring it. Dsd when I parted her hair you could see hundreds crawling all over her scalp. When I stripped her to wash it off in shower she had bites all down her neck and back.

Give him his due dp when mental amd phoned his ex and blasted her. Her response was they must have picked them up that day as they had been clear that morning (bullshit)

So dp wants to make this official and I fully support this. I have suggested we talk to his solicitor and take it to the sschool nurse etc to have it on file again that we have serious concerns about her parenting of them. Dm usual excuse is she has 4 kids to look after and it's hard (their 2 and her dp's 2) amd she hasn't got time etc

I have suggested we flip the custody around, we have kids resident and she has access which I know she won't gp for and dp told her that if she doesn't pull her socks up he will take the kids away from her. However he then suggested maybe alternate weeks would be a better solution but that seems very disruptive to me for all involved.

So ladies of you have got this far then thank you!! But what in your opinions would be better for the kids? Our dd is only 10 months so not overtly worried about impact on her but I do worry especially for dss who is very sensitive and I don't want us to do the wrong thing inadvertently whilst desperately trying to do the right thing.

And I obiously meant "their" mum not his mum.

I appreciate your apology ivory and o do agree with some of your points as I have said. I am posting here as me but discussion is mostly us and dp's instigation but seems futile typing out each conversation.

Dp and his ex had a very odd set up. Her way or the high way so he is not used to having support or being told he is doing the right thing. He does have pr and whilst not court appointed the contact was arranged as said uptrend via mediation and forms the legal documentation of their divorce so not sure how enforceable it is but that is something dp is down to discuss next week with his solicitor

I think she would allow me some pr in terms of being able to take to docs etc as there is an informal agreement in place regarding that already as dsd won't discuss private things with dp

I mean this kindly.

Is he doing the right thing sending them back there? If there is no court ordered residency in place and he has PR then he would be within his rights not to send them back.

OP she sounds awful. I hope you get it sorted. Ignore the posters who are determined to make you the bad guy. Typical mn in this sort of situation.

wheresthelight - legally you are on shaky ground. You are a DP not a step mum and anything you are allowed to do could be pulled from under you at the whim of the ex.

You are treading a path I for one would not be comfortable with.

Ivory that is another discussion that has been had this week between dp and ex. He has basically told her that she either pulls her socks up and starts dealing with thenits health issues etc or he/we will not be rreturning them and he will speak to solicitor to start court proceedings

She didn't take it too well but she has agreed to start doing the combing thru etc but only time will tell.

I don't agree that taking them off their mum without her agreement is the right thing for dp or his kids but I also agree with him that after 3 years of fighting with her over it drastic action needs taking

Thank you for the advice about formalising pr of some sort for me we will certainly ask the solicitor next week

We found regular days through the week more consistent for everyone rather than a week here, a week there etc.

We were the same with dss hiding dirty pants too, it was just so frustrating, if he's still having episodes of it, do take him back to the drs and ask about encoprenesis, dss had lactose solution for when he was really bad which seemed to help. The basic description is they hold for so long they get blocked up, poo then leaks around the blockage and they can't tell until they've done it as the nerves are strained due to the pressure of the blockage. Shifting that blockage is key.

It sounds like you have a tough battle ahead. Your dh can try self repping in court, there is lots of advice out there on how to do it.

I've never had pr for dss and once when dss mum was in Germany (work) and his dad was in USA (work) I took him to drs, I had no issues with it and I wasn't even asked about it. (It was emergency). I've signed forms for athletics for him etc. I suppose it's never been an issue as his mum didn't mind whereas if you have an ex that does it could cause problems.

'They are physically safe although I would question some aspects of it after adhoc comments from the kidsabout how her dp is with them but they seem generally happy'

this jumped out at me. Do you think her DP is harming the DSC?

Thanks ragbag! I have same with scouts/brownie forms etc so I don't think it would be too much of an issue but I do see where ivory is coming from

River - god no! I just think she is quite slack of discipline and he isn't and gets a bit shouty and forceful word wise and they aren't used to it. Plus they are master manipulators so some of it is probably a bit of exaggeration on their part. Christ if I thought for a second he was harming them I wouldn't be waiting for dp to step in'

This is completely beside the point BUT are UK lice and US lice different? I have never heard of a case that couldn't be gotten rid of and you can't be in school here if you have them.

I've read your past threads, and agree your dsc deserve better. This is the set up here for dss, who is now 11. It was tweaked to how it is now in the beginning of 2011 after his mum's 'illness'.

Week 1: Mon, Tues night with mum. Comes to us after school on Wednesday. Fri evening picked up from us around 6pm. With mum for the weekend.

Week 2: with mum Mon and Tues night. Comes to us Wed after school, stays for the weekend, goes to school from here Mon morning.

Of course it's all going to become interesting come September because he's adamant he doesn't want this to change but has chosen the secondary on his mum's doorstep. His mum prioritises her job over dss, and already on a Tues she has him getting two buses across town to an empty house, and has been for the past 6 months. Something dp and I are not comfortable but at the same time he's going to have to get used to her lack of interest.

Does that help at all? We used to have to return him midday sat one week, sun evening the other and that was a pain in the bum.

At 11 and 8.5 I'd expect them to be allowed a degree of choice over their hair. Here the hairdresser arrives and they tell her what they want. Quite often that means dss sits grumpily and says he only wants a little off a strand at the back and she gradually coerces him into a tidy cut!

I do think it's worth logging in all directions your concern, so dear class teacher, we would like to inform you that there appears to be head lice going round. Log untreated infections, (I know some refuse treatment, I have a child that does, but if it's not been seen to begin with! And leave dsd explain how long it's been a bother) log nit bites, ask the question what can put on to sooth it. Make the most of the free half hour. It is possible to self rep, I've just had to against my xh.

Oh, and a small spray bottle, get a detangling spray and refill, 200ml water, 10 drops tea tree, let them take it back, it works as a deterrent to the little feckers.

Cheerful - no restrictions in UK on being in school with them or I suspect she would be up shit creek by now!!

Ready that's is great thanks!! I have sent them home with some stuff to do exact that with this week but have no idea of they will use it though!!

no restrictions in UK on being in school with them or I suspect she would be up shit creek by now!!

depends on the school. I phoned for advice when I realised one morning that my eldest had nits and was politely asked not to bring him in till he had been treated. I am also a secondary school teacher and know of a couple of cases where children have been told to stay home until the issue is sorted - in one case, a parent was told in no uncertain terms that the child's hair needed to be cut (it was very, very, very long) as a means to help sort it out.

With you dsd, if it smells nice is she more likely to use it? Dss some gel with tea tree mixed in? Can't remember which way round they are! Incentives to use it? I would have hoped the incentive that is helps keep the feckers off is enough, it is for my dd1, as soon as she misses a couple of days she picks them up at school. Is your dsd old enough to get her hair into a bun with a hair doughnut? Both my dd's have (don't tell dd1 but I've lost the second so have used an old sock rolled up and the toe cut off!) That would stop them spreading and provide extra incentive to use spray.

But all that is short term. If you are their for them, helping them deal with this stuff then one day they'll realise how toxic their mum is (dreads the fall out here though)

She's not really into that side of being a girl yet! They are both very immature for their ages (I volunteer with kids their age group) but it's as a direct consequence of Dm not letting them do stuff for themselves.

Here they make their own breakfast, if they want a drink they know to help themselves, with a bit of prompting they can do their own washing, I promise I not a witch dss had to learn fir scouts and dsd asked me to show her. At dm's they have to ask permission for a drink, not allowed to help with food prep or dishes after etc. It's barking! They tried to make their own breakfast and apparently got really told off and told they weren't to do it again.

I know different rules in different houses and I have no intention of interfering but it strikes me as weird

What does it matter if the op is not the kids mother. The op is a human and looking out for two kids who she believes deserve better. So many times I see posters say "it's not your business, you are not the parent"! Imagine if anyone who was ever concerned for a child who wasn't theirs never did anything!! Should we all turn a blind eye and say "not my kids, not my problem!" How sad that would be

I haven't read any of the responses (though will in a minute) so I am sorry if I am repeating what has already been said. But bit treatment is expensive!!!!! And should be repeated after seven days. You would be better off doing it one weekend, clearing it, then have them the next weekend. And do it again. The girl should wear her hair up for school to help avoid getting them.

Don't get me wrong, my step daughter had them three weeks ago and they haven't been here since (DP has visited them for the last two weeks and taken them out for the day) but he has warned they are likely to still have them.

And having four children isn't easy! My older children shower themselves now as I don't have time to do it with the little ones around.

It bugs me when people slag off the mum, but don't do anything to help

Okay, reading more posts now. I can see that they keep re appearing. Perhaps buy one of the electric bit combs then they can do it themselves?

I haven't read all the posts but I definitely think you should go for residency as these kids are being neglected in my opinion, to be constantly riddled with nits must be awful, are the kids capable of having a go at combing and treating their own hair if you show them how? If you provide combs and treatment then if she won't let them use it, you have more of a case in my opinion. However I don't know if you'd get it based on that, I don't know if it would be seen as bad enough to move them from a social services perspective, it took us months to get dsd to us after violent abuse although a big part of that was due to us not having anywhere for her to live in the area. Do you know what the kids want?

Treating even severe head louse infestations isn't hard - it's lengthy and tedious, however.

If your DSC's mother won't take responsibility for their health your DH must do so.

I've also read a few of the first comments and really need to say that despite these things being hard to get rid of, the impression I'm getting is that from what the op has seen, the mother has tried one thing and then decided it's too much hassle... which is awful awful parenting and in my opinion neglect. It is probably indicative of other problems too and the kids might be 'ok' with their mum but maybe they'd be brilliant with their Dad and step mum...

Some of these posts are awful! The op never said she'd threatened the ex but that her and her dp had discussed residency arrangements and I don't see why she is being told to butt out, she's asked for advice on here, that doesn't mean that she isn't letting her dp take the lead in real life! And this affects her life just as much as his so she's rightly involved!
Anyway clearly they are concerned about the kids welfare and want to be able to do something about it, the op is asking for advice about that, she doesn't sound like she wants to steal the kids away but like she wants to do what's best for them whatever that might be!

Sorry about the multiple posts, I'm writing then as I'm reading... why are people so intent on saying they aren't your kids, they aren't your responsibility etc? Surely the op has posted this on here because she uses mn and her dp doesn't so she is getting advice here... what she does in real life is presuably agreed between her and dp...and no one can say how much involvement the op should have anyway as all our situations are different.