dsc's bloody neglectful mother - advice needed ladies

[wheresthelight]

Ok so for those of you who have read my posts know that we have an ongoing battle with dsc's "d"m over her neglectful attitude to their health on particular a particularly nasty foot mould for dss and impetigo for dsd but also fricking nits

She has refused to treat them for nits because she claims to have spoken to Dr, school nurse and other parents who all tell her it's futile and not to bother. Now having spoken to the gp and nurse practitioner (same village so same surgery) I know there is no way this is advice they have given her and my hv has spoke. To the school nurse for me and it certainly wasn't the advice I was given from them.

So the poor kids have come to us on Wednesday for first time in 2 weeks due to her cancelling contact since our last weekend, we hadn't seen them for 3 weeks at that point as she had again cancelled contact mid week due to sats etc. Both kids do their own hair so only wheb a plait was needed for dsd to go home (don't ask) did I go near her hair and she was absolutely riddled. Informed Dm and explained that first time looking (we were told they had just been treated and clear) and riddled so could she make sure and repeat treatment and follow gp advice of combing thru everyday.

Dsc's with us yesterday and scratching like you wouldn't believe so I enquired if Dm had treated for nits. Both say no and mum hasn't been combing either other than flicking a brush the before school. Now when I say riddled I mean that taking the comb thru one small section of dsc's fringe which is very short and about 20 nits fell out into my bathroom sink. Even dss was discussed. He asked what the black dots were so told him the truth, it's a mix of poop and eggs he said it made him feel sick (11 in 3 weeks) and was cross mum was ignoring it. Dsd when I parted her hair you could see hundreds crawling all over her scalp. When I stripped her to wash it off in shower she had bites all down her neck and back.

Give him his due dp when mental amd phoned his ex and blasted her. Her response was they must have picked them up that day as they had been clear that morning (bullshit)

So dp wants to make this official and I fully support this. I have suggested we talk to his solicitor and take it to the sschool nurse etc to have it on file again that we have serious concerns about her parenting of them. Dm usual excuse is she has 4 kids to look after and it's hard (their 2 and her dp's 2) amd she hasn't got time etc

I have suggested we flip the custody around, we have kids resident and she has access which I know she won't gp for and dp told her that if she doesn't pull her socks up he will take the kids away from her. However he then suggested maybe alternate weeks would be a better solution but that seems very disruptive to me for all involved.

So ladies of you have got this far then thank you!! But what in your opinions would be better for the kids? Our dd is only 10 months so not overtly worried about impact on her but I do worry especially for dss who is very sensitive and I don't want us to do the wrong thing inadvertently whilst desperately trying to do the right thing.

OP I am getting irritated on your behalf.

RTFT people!!

I AM reading the thread!

The OP's DP is the non-resident parent. He has serious concerns about the parenting of the resident parent. His only option is to take those concerns to the proper people. He has no proper court order arrangement in place for access, so he's at the whim of the mother.

In my opinion, the OP is doing a lot of child care she shouldn't be doing, and is too involved in parenting the children when it should be her DP who is doing that.

If he wants to be a parent, then he has to step up and be a parent, and stop getting his mammy and his girlfriend to fight his battles for him.

Itsfab - this is what dp tried in October and basically gottold she would rreport him for abuse if he had dsd's hair cut however my hairdresser is booked to come and do it at the start of the summer because yes I thinking would help and dsd wants it sorting as she hates being itchy!

If your hairdresser was to cut my childs hair on your say so I would go utterly batshit at you.

You are seriously over stepping the mark with that last post.

Ivory his mum is dead now so isn't doing anything. He is fighting his own battles but quite rightly I am involved as any change to custody affects me directly as his shifts mean I would so a large part of the minding of his kids.

Cradle - thank you!

She is my hairdresser but dp has made the decision after talking to dsd

You are seriously intent on seeing me as the bad guy so tbh I can't be arsed with reading or responding to your shite any further

Then your DP needs to be there when the hair is cut.

It can't be you.

It needs to be the parent to these kids who is taking the action.

That's not having a go at you, it's because you are not their parent. You have no legal standing and you are leaving your DP open to all sorts of nonsense from his ex because you are taking the lead in this and not him.

I am actually trying to do you a favour.

I don't see you as the bad guy. But you shouldn't be any sort of guy when it gets to this point. You can't be. They aren't your kids - they are your DP's kids and it needs to come from him because he is the parent.

And you didn't say your DP wanted the hair cut, you said you had booked your hair dresser to come "because yes I thinking would help"

If your DP wants the hair cut, then he needs to be there. I would not be taking the fall from the ex for this - seriously, I'd be protecting myself if I were you.

I am fully aware of that thank you and he will be there as she is doing his hair at the same time. I have made the appointment because she has been my hairdresser for years and he doesn't have the number. The appointment has been in place to do mine, dp and dd for 8 weeks and I have amended ot to include the dsc's at theirs and dp's request.

You aren't doing me any favours other than reminding me that it's pointless to ask a question on here because none rtft and actually offers an answer to the the question asked

And you didn't say your DP wanted the hair cut, you said you had booked your hair dresser to come "because yes I thinking would help"

She also didn't say that her DP wasn't involved in or leading the decision.

Ivory, I think you need to take a step back for a bit.

Well that's a good thing that he's there.

I have read the thread, I understand completely that you are worried about the kids and you think their mother isn't doing a good enough job.

But. They aren't your kids. It has to be up to your DP to step up and sort it - good that he's going to his solicitor, but he needs to focus on the important stuff like the soiling and not the stuff like their trousers fall down.

He won't get primary residency based on chicken nuggets, trousers falling down, or even nits and impetigo.

And be prepared for the ex to come back with a lot of accusations of her own. Primary one being that your DP isn't parenting, it's you, and that it's all access by proxy. And that you are too involved.

And that's not having a go at you, it's experience of the system talking.

I'm sorry if you don't like what I am saying, and I'm sorry if you think I'm unsympathetic to the situation the kids are in, I'm not, and I understand where you are coming from, but you are doing things and being involved in things that really should only be left to their legal parent - ie your DP.

You haven't rtft at all because my question had nothing to do with nits etc as that was merely background info.

My question as I have repeated a couple of times was over what sort of custody arrangements did other step parents find more beneficial and least disruptive for the kids

And to answer your question. In the OP you said you suggested to flip the custody around - is your DP going to be around as primary carer then, or is the parenting going to be left to you? In that case, things will be difficult for you if you are carrying all that out without parental responsibility (I assume your DP has this for the kids?) so if you want to do that then you would be best advised to investigate how gaining parental responsibility for you would be undertaken and the implications of that long term for you and DP.

I certainly wouldn't want to be the primary carer for a child with that security in place.

Sorry - without that security in place.

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Thank you gold!

I think that the problem with threads like this, is that it's very hard to read them without being coloured by your own experiences. So those who've experienced having ex partners twist their words or make unfair accusations are unable to see any interpretation other than 'it's non of her business' and those who've witnessed child cruelty can only see terrible neglect.

I suspect the truth of the situation is somewhere in the middle and I think you are to be commended for trying to our the children's interests first. As you said in your OP, all you are concerned with is doing the right thing by them.

Assuming that's the case and it's a benign sort if neglect and the children are otherwise safe and loved at home, I would be inclined to focus on:

1. Making access more regular. If your DP works shifts this may need to be negotiated weekly.

1. Continuing to seek advice from professionals (school nurse, GP etc) as required. Twin benefits of good quality advice that can be shared with Mum and, should the situation not improve, you could ask for social services to become involved which might encourage Mum to do more at home.

Good luck.

(Sorry about all the typos are weird auto corrects - I'm on my phone!)

wheresthelight I don't blame you getting frustrated with some of the posts on here. There are a lot of posters who don't seem have RTFT and a lot of posters who seem determined to paint you in a bad light.

I think you sound like you are genuinely trying yo help the kids. It must be awful for them. All kids get nits but what they have is on a whole different level. I hope they don't get teased for it at school.

I definitely think your DP should try and get more custody

wheresthelight does your DP have parental responsibility for the kids and is there a residency order in place?

I am asking not to have a go at your, or in any way cast aspersions on you, but because it affects the legal situation with regards to care for and residency of the children.

Hi where's, I did respond up thread but I think it got missed.

First dss pooing - my dss did this for ages, he had encoprenesis (sp) basically because he kept waiting to go because he was doing something more interesting, eventually he developed this. Please don't tell him off for it, it's mortifying for them. It got much better for us when we explained to dss (who had this on and off between the ages of 8 through to 13) that we wouldn't shout over soiled trousers and pants so long as he told us straight away and he got showered. Eventually with that attitude he stopped being as stresses about it and it improved.

Secondly. We have (had, dss is now on study leave so chooses his hotels) had the following rota roughly in place.

Mon - ours for tea and athletics then back home (if late athletics he'd stay over)
Tues his mums
Weds - ours, stay over
Thurs - his mums
Fri - ours, stay over until Saturday tea.

Next week would be the same, but we then wouldn't have him Friday, we'd have him sat tea through to Sunday tea.

It worked fab for us as we saw him every couple of days and he's great for it. That said we all get on really well and my dh ex is one of my best friends and she's very happy that I parent dss and mostly always has been.

Thank you mono and ffs!

To deal with your points first mono - that was how custody was originally but then via mediation Dm said she was pissed off with how parenting was unfairly balanced towards her and she wanted a more regular and routine programme of access for the kids. Dp came home to discuss this with me amd we agreed that was fine and that eow and one or two nights a week would be a good idea. Dm then flipped out because that wouldmean that when ddp's shift fell on those days it would be looking after them and she didn't like that. Mediation quite rightly pointed out she couldn't have ot both ways so she either continues with current arrangements and stopped bitching about it or she accepted that dp and I were happy to effectively inconvenience me and amend the arrangement to what she had asked for. Mediation also pointed out that she had no legal right to dictate who was minding the kids when on scheduled time with their dad and likewise he had no right to dictate to her who they saw when with her. She chose the amended arrangements and would not go back to the old style ones.

They are physically safe although I would question some aspects of it after adhoc comments from the kidsabout how her dp is with them but they seem generally happy

We are ccontinuing to log our concerns with gp and my hv as due to my history of depression and risk of pnd I have more frequent contact than is normal so everything is logged etc but as I have experience of social care I would prefer not to involve them if we can find a mutually beneficial answer to the issues.

Ffs - dsd doesn't get teased, she has quite bad eczema so the kids are used to her scratching and has had several urine infections so unfortunately they are also used to her smelling of wee a bit and as she is younger I don't think the girls have picked up on this yet. Dss on the other hand is already the weird geeky kid and does suffer a bit of teasing for that. He is very sensitive and does get very upset so my concern is that this will escalate at high school and will cause him serious issues.

The custody discussion came about as I think dp wanted to know how I would feel if he suggested full time custody and I can read him like a book so I raised ot as was it something he would consider as yes inbound be fine with it but it would have implications on my ability to go back to work when dd is at nursery as childcare for 1 for all holidays is one thing but for 3 would probably bankrupt us which is when he suggested the 50/50 think and having them either alternate weeks or half of every week. Hence my question about what do sps on here fond works and least disruptive for the kids

Wheresthelight I'm back to apologise. I have tried to give advice from my point of view and from my experience of the legal system. My tone was off and wrong and I am genuinely sorry.

I don't think you are trying to do the wrong thing, and I'm sorry if what I posted gave that impression.

There's obivously a massive backstory I know nothing about.

But I do know legally what a hornets nest you are opening up and how much you are setting yourself up to be in teh firing line from the ex if you carry on the way you are.

If you and your DP are going to change the current arrangement then he needs to start documenting everything with doctor/school/nurse/health visitor - not just his own notes, but that is uesful too. He needs to note every cancelled contact, every time she is late.

Don't focus on trousers falling down. Focus on the important stuff.

If there is no residency order in place, then your DP needs to think long and hard if he has parental responsiblity if he is doing the right thing in sending his kids back to his mum.

If he decides that is the best thing to do, then he has to live with the nits and the impetigo.

If not, then he needs iron clad knickers and a good solicitor because things are going to get messy.

I hope you take this advice in the spirit in which it is meant, even if my expressing of it has not been as you would have wanted. I don't think it would be helpful to tell you a load of lies about what is achievable and what is likely to happen. But I should have prefaced what I said with that and not been so blunt, as that came across as uncaring. And again, I apologise.

Thanks ragbag that's helpfulness know. We have neverashouted or told him off for doingnit only for hiding it iyswim. But I do think his mum amd her dp shout after something dsd said about her wetting. I don't see the point in yelling as it gets nowhere. We have been using the point about being teased at secondary school to try and make him see its quite a babyish thing to do and the fact he sits next to the baby on the car and whinges how bad she smells when she poops has done wonders for making him realise how unpleasant it is for others!

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And can I add, again, if you are going to be doing the primary care for these kids then you would be best advised to try to get parental responsibiltity if the ex would allow it. Just to make your life easier.