dsc's bloody neglectful mother - advice needed ladies

[wheresthelight]

Ok so for those of you who have read my posts know that we have an ongoing battle with dsc's "d"m over her neglectful attitude to their health on particular a particularly nasty foot mould for dss and impetigo for dsd but also fricking nits

She has refused to treat them for nits because she claims to have spoken to Dr, school nurse and other parents who all tell her it's futile and not to bother. Now having spoken to the gp and nurse practitioner (same village so same surgery) I know there is no way this is advice they have given her and my hv has spoke. To the school nurse for me and it certainly wasn't the advice I was given from them.

So the poor kids have come to us on Wednesday for first time in 2 weeks due to her cancelling contact since our last weekend, we hadn't seen them for 3 weeks at that point as she had again cancelled contact mid week due to sats etc. Both kids do their own hair so only wheb a plait was needed for dsd to go home (don't ask) did I go near her hair and she was absolutely riddled. Informed Dm and explained that first time looking (we were told they had just been treated and clear) and riddled so could she make sure and repeat treatment and follow gp advice of combing thru everyday.

Dsc's with us yesterday and scratching like you wouldn't believe so I enquired if Dm had treated for nits. Both say no and mum hasn't been combing either other than flicking a brush the before school. Now when I say riddled I mean that taking the comb thru one small section of dsc's fringe which is very short and about 20 nits fell out into my bathroom sink. Even dss was discussed. He asked what the black dots were so told him the truth, it's a mix of poop and eggs he said it made him feel sick (11 in 3 weeks) and was cross mum was ignoring it. Dsd when I parted her hair you could see hundreds crawling all over her scalp. When I stripped her to wash it off in shower she had bites all down her neck and back.

Give him his due dp when mental amd phoned his ex and blasted her. Her response was they must have picked them up that day as they had been clear that morning (bullshit)

So dp wants to make this official and I fully support this. I have suggested we talk to his solicitor and take it to the sschool nurse etc to have it on file again that we have serious concerns about her parenting of them. Dm usual excuse is she has 4 kids to look after and it's hard (their 2 and her dp's 2) amd she hasn't got time etc

I have suggested we flip the custody around, we have kids resident and she has access which I know she won't gp for and dp told her that if she doesn't pull her socks up he will take the kids away from her. However he then suggested maybe alternate weeks would be a better solution but that seems very disruptive to me for all involved.

So ladies of you have got this far then thank you!! But what in your opinions would be better for the kids? Our dd is only 10 months so not overtly worried about impact on her but I do worry especially for dss who is very sensitive and I don't want us to do the wrong thing inadvertently whilst desperately trying to do the right thing.

Been done gold! The gp says they will speak to mu next time she is in with the kids but we have no way of confirming if done and according to mum she was told not to do anything

I think that when they are saying not worth treating she is taking that as do absolutely nothing rather than listening to what is said about combing with conditioner and is literally doing nothing at all

The kids need more help from dp and I and he has toyed with court and full custody or talking toner and suggesting ot as a short term answer to her claims she isn't coping etc but I am asking whether full time here or alternate weeks or 4 days one week 3 the next is the better and least disruptive for the kids

You're not the primary carer for those kids. Or at least, you might be in practice, but it needs to be your DP who is taking the lead. I read it as you taking the lead, and apologies if that is my misunderstanding.

I get raging with my Ex when on his time he farms the kids out to other people to look after (not got a GF at the minute) and I'd rather they were at home with me than stuck with granny/a random friend. Are you sure that she isn't "stopping" contact, as much as not sending them if it's going to be you that's looking after them due to your DP's shifts?

FWIW the advice I got from the GP re nits was to comb once a week and this is similar to the NHS website

www.nhs.uk/conditions/head-lice/pages/treatment.aspx

I've never been advised to comb every day for nits and we had a horrid infestation that was hellish to get rid of.

And we had worms as well.

And impetigo, which spread from a teeny patch on their leg to be enormous and weeping and really painful in the space of 2 days and took weeks and weeks and weeks to clear.

Mumof - honestly no not really but I amcnot very subjective at the moment. They are 11 (in 3 weeks) and 8.5 and have to share a bedroom at mums dp's house because he refused to make hos youngest daughter share with dsd (which I understand) but it is effecting the health of dsd as she is not sleeping because dss stays up til 11 most nights reading and playing computer games. They do not eat a particularlygood ddiet with her because she panders to their "I don't like this this week" behaviour so live on pizza chicken nuggets etc - don't have an issue with this at all because they do have lots of fruit and veg here without argument

Until a recent dental checkup they would drink cola from breakfast to bedtime but she has been told off brother dentist because the kids adult teeth have had bad erosion etc due to it. Dp never allows them cola unless a special occasion like birthday/wedding etc

The kids are both tall and skinny so clothing is a nightmare because to get trousers long enough they fall down as soon as they stand up so we are teaching dss about belts etc

Neither can wipe themselves after going to the toilet and regularly poo themselves becausethey hold it of not at home or if they have been told offer something trivial.

I know it sounds like I am bashing her but I don't mean too I am genuinely worried about the kids. In isolation nothing is particularly bad but all together adds up to a very worryi ng situation.

Her dp refuses to have my dsc's in the house if his kids aren't there! How is that a healthy environment for the kids??

Ivory - no its not to do with me looking after them as this has been situation for some considerable time but the times she stops it is when dp is off deliberately to hurt him which is nuts cos she had the affair and kicked him out so not sure what she is punishing him for

I really don't understand. If it's as bad as you are saying it is, then why is your DP not involving the proper people and going through the proper channels?

And to be honest, your post about belts sounds a bit odd. DS used to have a friend from a lovely home who was very well cared for who wore jeans so low slung they fell off when he ran. If you bring that up to the doctor/social worker/whoever as a reason to take the kids off her you'll be laughed out of the room.

Some people let their kids eat chicken nuggets, my brother for one. His DD drinks cola all the time and has done since she was very small. Some people have crap diets and don't eat fruit and veg.

That's not enough to get her taken off him and his wife though.

They are your Dp children....he should be at the helm of your current campaign to help them.

They are your Dp children....he should be at the helm of your current campaign to help them.

He is at the helm!

I am posting here because I wanted advice from other step parents about what sort of contact would be better for the kids, but as per usual no one actually rtft and answers the question asked instead preferring to lambast me about being involved

Ok. Regularly soiling themselves at that age is NOT in the same legue as chicken nuggets, nits, or ankle flappers. Those children need to see a doctor NOW. it's not normal at all for children that age to soil themselves ever.

Does he have any legal recourse when he doesn't get to seem them for five weeks? Understand your frustration, has he spoken to a solicitor, seems first step?

You say they do their own hair which is why you didn't notice.
Maybe assume the same at her house.

I think their dad needs to keep taking them back to the GP to have the lack of treatment, the bites, lesions on her scalp, etc recorded. It's very easy to say that nits are hard to eradicate but a few elusive lice evading regular combing is very different from a severe, untreated infestation that's causing sores. You need someone to keep a record of this as evidence.

The same with the impetigo and you need to ask for advice about the soiling. Have they been treated for constipation?

Soiling themselves at 11 and 8? Surely that is enough to get professionals involved? And the crawling with head lice is disgusting. Both my DDs regularly had lice at primary but I would treat as soon as you knew they had them, they didn't need to get to the "crawling" stage.

I'm not a step mum but I was brought up by one who was far more lovely and caring than my mother. You sound very caring OP and I hope you're DH is able to get more access to them.

Soiling themselves as in actually pooing in their pants or soiling themselves as in skid marks? Because DS went through a phase of skid marks because he could not be bothered to wipe properly. (Sorry if that offends anyone).

He also went through a stage as a teen of not cleaning his teeth properly, not showering enough and leaving festering bowls plates and spoons in his room. The mouldy fruit salad bowl has stayed in my brain for ever.

He is also the one who had the worst nits and the impetigo and the crop of verruccas that made me wince.

I wasn't a bad mother. I wasn't neglectful. I was doing my best. He wouldn't show me his thigh until the impetigo had spread, he wouldn't put the stuff on for the verrucas until he could hardly walk and the nits when he was younger were an ongoing problem because of the boy he sat beside.

To be fair, he did have a good diet, but the rest of your complaints I failed on. I expect my exH DP if he'd had one at the time would have wanted to take DS off me?

Nope not same at her house woman. They are babied completely to the point they are jot allowed to choose their own clothes to wear and Dm picks stuff out and leaves it for them.

They have both seen doctors about the soiling themselves and we have been told that there is nothing wrong. most of it is the fact she has never taught them anything about personal hygiene and this was a contention in their marriage that dp want to and tries and she would undermine and refuse because "they are just babies and it's what they do"

They both lie about everything from doing their homework to walking the dog further than the end of the drove. And yes I know that kids will lie to avoid getting into trouble but that's not a reason to just accept it with "kids will be kids" attitude which is what she does.

Dp has tried everything but when he takes them to gp she throws a fit and we have contact threats etc. Has seen a solicitor but was told to build up more evidence etc as court wouldn't do anything yet and frankly financially we cannot afford a lengthy battle.

Mediation helped a bit but only because the solicitor doing it was very good at pointing out dm's ridiculous demands and threats would only show her in a bad light so there is documentation to support dp but just not enough.

The whole situation would be solved if dp was listed as either primary care giver and they lived with us full time or contact was split 50/50 - i think of he goes for full custody the kids would resent him although i agree with him and support that it probably is what is needed but I think that 50/50 would be at least an improvement and give him and I a better chance at dealing with the issues rather than eow and adhoc in the week when she decides it's ok for them to come because she has nothing better planned.

He has a very fine line to walk and I understand that but the kids are suffering - open sores from scratching, impetigo everywhere because Dm ignores it until it bleeds and becomes infected - she kept telling us it was eczema until I had dsd come to me after school in tears because she was sore between her legs and showed me the patch at the top other thigh. She said she had showed mummy but that mummy said she was too busy. I made dp take her straight to the gp who was very lovely and allowed me to go in with dsd who is now at an age where daddy is a seen as a boy and she doesn't want him seeing her with no clothes on which o totally respect as does dp.

Your fighting a loosing battle with the nits if your treating and shes not. About 2 year ago all 3 of mine got them. Itvwent on for months and i was demented. I finally got rid of them with, nit rid, a nitty gritty, cutting 6 inches off their hairs and chucking all the bedding out. I would have them clear and they would go to achool and catch them again. If she is not dling the bedding or their hair theh will never get rid of them. I would guess she would have them if the infestation is that bad. I got them twice and its not nice. Have ylu tried sending the kids home laden with lotion and a nitty gritty comb to see if she does it if you give her the stuff

DP wouldn't be the primary carer though, you would.

If it is that bad, then your DP needs to take action and take it TODAY.

The day my ex husband wanted me to do something that was totally unsafe and I knew it was wrong, I didn't do it. The shit hit the fan and he threatened all kinds of stuff but I didn't care because I knew I was in the right and no court would go against me.

Your DP needs to get to that point. Until he does, you talking and ranting and dissing the ex is only blowbagging and won't do any good at all.

Yes ivory as in actually pooing in their pants.

Having worked hard with them about personal hygiene especially with dss going to high school in September we are getting there and it is now currently down to just skid marks and dsd seems to have git the hang of it over the last few weeks also that is starting to improve. But has all cone from us.

Dss hides his poo filled pants. He was at his ggrandma's (dp's mum's) a few months before she diedand she found them tucked under the waste pipe from the toilet aabsolutely full of poo. Part of it is laziness and an "oh I will go in a minute" attitude - and i know I will get vilified for that but it has been confirmed medically that there is nothing wrong physically. And part of it is the fact that it gets dss especially attention. He is VERY possessive of dp to the point he will punch his sister until she moves if she is sat next to her dad, he will climb over anything and everything to sit on his dad. And if he is told by dp that his behaviour isn't acceptable we get the poop issue or wee as punishment almost so that he gets daddy's undivided attention when being helped to clean up.

They are both smart kids and I have given them both lessons in how to comb their hair for nits and have given them a bottle of spray I was recommended by the chemist that has need oil and tee tree in it to help ward off the nits and shown them how to help each other to do it.

Dp exexpects them to have a little independence whereas Dm thinks they are too young to do anything for themselves which doesn't help matters

The pooing your DP needs to take them to the doctor over. Are CAHMS involved?

As to expecting them to do their own hair for nits - that's unrealistic I am afraid.

Kids being all over the non-resident parent and doing all kinds of things to get any attention is very normal I'm afraid.

But I'll say it again. If it is really that bad, and I'm not doubting you, then your DP (not you, your DP, as their parent) needs to take action and take it TODAY. He needs to go to a solicitor (most do a half hour free session) and get proper legal advice and put things on a proper legal footing, as this way of going forward is clearly not working for those children.

Corey - on many an occasion!! Dp's mum also sent her a letter explaining how bad the kids had been (before dp moved in with me) and gave her a nitty gritty comb and all the stuff etc and Dm took offence and binned it all saying that they didn't need anything doing because there was no point as they get it again at school. They aren't getting it again because they are never getting rid in the first place.

She almost certainly has them but won't admit! I had them last time they were here and treated all of us except dd with full marks and boiled all bedding and towels etc and we were all clear in a week. Dd got olive oil and combed as she is too young for the chemical stuff

Could the children's hair be cut really short once they are on school holidays? Would that help the nits situation?

This woman seems to be using the children as weapons against your partner and the courts take a very dim view of that.

Time to get advice.

Cahms aren't involved as waiting lists here are over. A year!! He is seeing his solicitor next week (earliest appt) so hopefully we can get things moving but we have them from the day they break up from school til mid august so at least I can hopefully get them clear before re they go back yo her again

Why are all the women in your DP's life fighting his battles for him?

He needs to stop pussy footing around and he needs to be the parent these kids needs and get it sorted!

You can't sort it for him, his mother can't sort it for him, he himself needs to sort it.