Is there any way to make this work?

[Caterpillarmum]

I'm willing to accept that I'm the problem here I just don't know what to do for the best.

DH and I have been together for nearly ten years, we have a lovely gorgeous son together who is the light of my life. DH has two daughters from a previous relationship (20 & 16).

My problem is I really dislike the youngest daughter. I mean she really bugs the shit out of me and I don't know why. I've felt like this since I met her when she was six FGS! The eldest is a bit strange but I generally get on okay with her.

Now before you jump on me saying that she picks up on my feelings I honestly think she doesn't. The reason I say this is I end up going over board when they visit to mask how I really feel and I must be doing a good job at this because the YSD told DH that she knows that she is my favourite between her and her sister! You could have knocked me down with a feather!! I was going on the philosophy of 'fake it till you make it' hoping that my feelings would change as she got older, if anything they have gotten worse. Since having my son I dislike her even more.

She acts like a baby to get dads attention, she is a constant limpet and does the mini wife thing out in public. You would think she was his girlfriend the way she hangs off him in the pub. It's embarrassing and I know DH is embarrassed by it, so he tries to move away and she then just ends up giving me the daggers.

She is always going on about how well she is doing at school. To be fair she does do well and that's great but she has literally no interest in anything and I mean anything outside of school. She has no opinions or thoughts on anything so conversation is really quite monotonous it's like sitting through a continual parent-teacher evening!

She has no table manners, eats with her mouth open. Is very picky in what she will eat. Never says thank you if we take her out for dinner.

She makes baby like presents for DH that look like they've been made by a five year old! I kid you not, we get these hand drawn cards that look like they've been done with crayon by a primary school kid not a 16 year old!! Saying daddy this and daddy that.

I could go on and on but won't. It's not one thing, its just everything. I just think that our personalities don't click and I just don't get on with her.

I've encouraged DH to go and visit them so they don't pick up on how I really feel.I dread Christmas, I mean dread it. Having them here makes me really tense. Unfortunately our house is too small for me to detach so its hard to withdraw and get away from them.

I've tried to talk to DH about I feel and we end up in the position of him defending her and me pointing out her faults. I ask him to do a bit if parenting to address some of the issues and he feels he doesn't see them often enough to have any kind of impact and doesn't want to spoil the time he has by having a go at them. Because they do well at school he honestly can't see any issues. I feel bad for him and see his point of view but I can't change how I feel. I'm in the wrong and I'm just seeing the worst all the time but I can't change how I feel.

I feel like I have a knot in my stomach whenever he mentions YSD and I'm sure it's not healthy or right. I think I have to leave the relationship but I feel so bad for my son, will I end up creating another unhappy step kid?

I've tried counselling and it didn't work. I just feel so shit about it all, please help me get my feelings straight. I'm sat here I tears

[Caterpillarmum]

wishing that's the thing most of the time everything is fine when its just us, it's really only this issue that causes tension.

YSDs mini wife mode has steadily gotten worse over the years which has added to the tension. She's got more and more used to being the favourite and has developed more of a sense of entitlement which is what grates me. When she was little she just used to do childish stuff like if we took her on a day out and she didn't like something she'd pretend to get stomach ache to get her own way. Then when DH said he'd better take her home it would miraculously get better very quickly. We thought this was amusing at the time as it was so blatant, little did I know it would develop!

[Caterpillarmum]

Since I'm on a maniacal rant I might as well go for it!! Cue thunder clap and wild hair

I guess what has really tipped me over the edge is how she is now trying to use my son to get back into pole position. She'll bang on to DH about how cute and wonderful he is and then when we're with her she'll be really clingy and manipulative. She's 16 FFS! Go and get a boyfriend/PT job/friends and oh wait a life! Stop trying to impress daddy with school sports day and grow up! They've both done it in some ways, whatever DH is in to they will suddenly want to do. DH thinks this is great, my view is start developing interests of your own and then you'll be interesting people in your own right. Much more well rounded too.

Okay so I really am a Cow bag now aren't I??

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

I feel for you, it is very frustrating to spend time with children who you just don't click with, especially when they are related to someone you dearly love. If you get on well with your dp the rest of the time I would be inclined to try and find a way to make it work, even if that means being out of the house when dsd visits. Breaking up your relationship based on a visit every few weeks seems excessive.

When you say that they don't have much else going on apart from school work, do you think you could try and encourage them to take part in other interests with you or as a family? I know it seems like the last thing you want when you don't get on with her, but it might help you both if you have some shared interests and it would get her away from her daddy for a while too. Otherwise concentrate your attention on the older one, hoping that you can try and redress the balance a bit between them. If YSD sees that her sister gets attention without being a baby it might help?

Sorry, I'm not much help, but I couldn't just read and run.

[Caterpillarmum]

Penelope. Your suggestion is a good one. I tried to bond with her over our mutual love of dogs (she isn't allowed a dog and we have dogs here). I thought dog walking, etc would be great. Bearing in mind they are my dogs that I came into the relationship with, she completely ignores the fact they are anything to do with me, gets photos of them, cuts them out and makes baby like cards which she sends just to DP. When I say baby I mean felt tip pen drawings of cutesy cartoon dogs that look like they were done by a five year old and writes daddy this and daddy that. She then would talk to DP like the dogs were her dogs that DP was just looking after for her! I didn't make a fuss, didn't even say anything to DP about it as it seems so trivial, it's just another failed attempt to find common ground.

[Caterpillarmum]

Okay, I thought everyone would jump on me for being this honest so thanks everyone for your support. I honestly thought people would take e view that YSDs emotional well being trumped me and our DS and I would be advised to leave because I was being mean.

Given that DS is very young and as others have pointed out, the DSDs are almost fully grown, would it be unreasonable if I were to say to DH that I don't want a relationship at all with them but would support him doing so. Can I completely detach from them? Has anyone ever done this and made it work?

I've tried for ten years and its just not getting better. I need to ensure a happy family unit for DS.

[Eliza22]

It's very sad. I used to have a good relationship with his eldest daughter and son (25 and 24 now). However, over the past 3 years it's put them in a virtually impossible position. They know that I did nothing wrong but obviously, they're loyal to and love their sister and their dad. We still see 2 out of 3 but I know we have years of crap ahead of us.

What hurts me most is that her behaviour, has caused my son a lot of hurt and confusion. He has autism and wonders what happened as he's been "dropped". Dh's eldest two have said that they want to continue to think of my son as their step brother but cannot promise, whilst their own sisters issues go unresolved.

Should add.....YSD is invited EVERY XMAS and refuses to come (unless I am not there- which I did one year so everyone could have a nice time but DH mentioned what a shame it was, Eliza missing and YSD walked out halfway through the Xmas meal!

As I say....I'm done with her.

[camtt]

I think at 16, even thought she is certainly not an adult, you can begin to treat her as one - one you don't especially like but need to have a functional relationship with (like a colleague). So perhaps you can just be polite but filter her out - as others have said, just not being there for so much of the time when she is present might be a start, I think really your feelings may be more about the way your DP is responding to her, and irritation that he does nothing to correct her behaviour. That would annoy me too, but I think you need to take this up with him (or say it, then leave it) and just accept that this is an individual you do not particularly get on with, at least not for now.

[Blondie276]

Hi caterpillar. I just want to echo what others have said in that you are certainly not alone although if your family situation is anything like mine, you begin to feel like the horrid witch that has no where to turn.
I am in a very similar situation with my SS and no matter what I try- I just can't take to him. I now have a 6 th month old and if anything it's made my feelings worse towards him.
For me , the biggest issue is the way everyone has expectations of me as his step mum which I think are totally unreasonable ( ie my DH family) and the pressure previously has made me very I'll. ( I've even had a lecture tonight from my SIL about how I shouldn't discipline him of I don't do everything with him- er- what?!!! Apparently I can't deal with his bad behaviour in my own home. Nice)


We can't help how we feel and I've had two lots of 8 sessions counselling that has made no difference and I feel I don't know what else I can do. When my DH has him I go out and so my own thing so I'm not here as I just don't want to be around which I know isn't the answer but it is a way to stop me feeling so crap.

Anyway- I'm bleating on now but just wanted you to know you aren't alone- don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do as you can't help it, as I can't.

Don't leave an otherwise relationship that makes you happy- I hope you feel better soon.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

I think it could cause more problems if you actively decide not to have a relationship with her. I can't imagine how draining that must be after 10 years, but the fact that your ds is her half-brother, I think it's only fair that the two of them are allowed to continue with their relationship, even if you take a step back and it happens with your DH facilitating it while you are 'busy' with friends or out running errands etc.

I can tell from your posts how frustrated you are with her immaturity, but perhaps it might help if you try to adjust your mindset to feeling a bit sorry for her. Even taking 'ownership' of your dogs shows a level of envy and aspiration about your life, which also probably stems from her feeling put out that her dad spends all his time with you and DS.

It must be hard, no matter how old you are, to share someone you love. I know I feel a bit resentful of DP's DCs when he is with them and I'm missing him. I've found that it's ok if I'm with my DCs too, but when mine are visiting their dad I just find other things to do, as I find it really difficult to be in 'their space' as he can be very indulgent with them. He enjoys doing lovely things for everyone in his life, but especially the DCs as he 'only' spends half the week with them.

I've recently had a couple of occasions when my DCs were away for two nights and I do really miss them. One night is a nice break, but more than that is a bit odd. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for the child and the parent to only see each other every couple of weeks, the complex emotions involved for all.

We all have different expectations of our DCs based on their age and what we know they are capable of. If your DH hasn't spent a lot of time with his DDs over the years he is less tuned into their capabilities and his expectations may be a bit skewed.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Blonde, your SIL is talking bollocks. I have certain rules and levels of behaviour that I expect from any child in my home, whether my own, DP's, children that I child mind or visiting friends. Admittedly the way I deal with them may vary (I will be more blunt and less smiley with my own, probably more lenient with visiting friends, but I will still expect the same behaviour from them all, the only difference is how I deliver that).

[Anormalfamily]

Hi Caterpillar,
Am going through similar agonies here...
Have been to couple counseling, read books, shared books with dh, long serious talks, ranting, rationalizing , you name it. It doesn't change and it doesn't get better. And the kids in question are just too determined to be angry with you and, let's face it, are younger and stronger to see it through.
And yes, as others have mentioned, it's not the kids themselves or their behaviour, it's the dhs and their sanctioning and (in our eyes) encouraging rude behaviour towards us that really hurts.
Married or not, our dhs would have us believe they have our best interests at heart, and so it doesn't feel like a betrayal to us to leave them, rather like protecting our mh.
Am just starting another book to encourage dh to see how much he's hurting his dd emotional development, and one message is that those who remain the focus of attention don't become part of a group, I.e kids on pedestals don't become members of a family. Hence their ability to ignore us, treat us with disdain. Happens in first families too of course...
Sorry, no insights, just sympathy.

[Caterpillarmum]

Thanks everyone. Your comments and thoughts are really giving me food for thought. This is my safe place where I can really get out all that I am feeling. I feel it's been bottled up so long and has made me so miserable. I really feel like I've lost bits if me in the last ten years.

Anormalfamily I completely agree that putting one person on a pedestal makes them almost separate from the family and therefore stops them being a part of it. What do you see as the long term effect of this, does anyone have experience?

What is winding me up at the moment is that YSd has managed to sulk her way into getting a foreign holiday next month because she hasn't been abroad before. She's now crowing about it and again it's really grating me. I'm trying to detach and tbh I'm dreading when she actually goes because I am sure DH will want to talk about how great it is she has gone and all I will be think is 'the spoiled brat gets what she wants again'. I don't like thinking like this but can't help it.

DH didn't really talk about YsD this weekend after his initial attempt. I think he has sensed that something is changing in me. I just go 'uh-huh' and change the subject. He seems confused by it but hasn't said anything. I'm trying to take a deep breath and go and do something else until I feel more positive. It's hard, but I'm really trying.

Will it change how I feel when they are in their twenties and getting on with their own lives? Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?

Thanks again you are all really helping me x

[Caterpillarmum]

blondie I agree with penelope, your SIL IS TALKING BOLLOCKS! There is no way I'd let anyone do that, to me that's a bit like bullying you in your own home, saying you can't do this or can't do that! How did your DH react to that?

[Blondie276]

I haven't told him tbh. It's a subject that is a little rocky because he would rather I had more interest and feeling towards his son and so with some things he doesn't see my point of view. It's hard. So most of the time I don't tell him and my SIL is ALWAYS giving me lectures. I feel better about it now but what really gets to me is how she has said she'd never want a partner with 'baggage ' as she puts it so if anything why can't she see how hard it is for me?!

My way of dealing with it is to just take myself off out when he is here as I sometimes just can't cope but SIL had a dig and that as well. I don't think I'll ever win. He's only 7 so we have a long way until he's grown up and things settle down and at times I , like you consider going. But I know that isn't the option I should take as I idolise my DH .

I'm glad you are feeling better. Reading these posts made me feel like I actually wasn't a wicked witch and actually quite normal! That's worth it's weight in gold!
Cope how you need to but don't loose out yourself because of it. Sending a big hug.

[Caterpillarmum]

She sounds delightful blondie

My BIL was a bit like this. When DH would go out of the room he would talk about how sad it was for the SDs that their parents divorced and wasn't it just awful, blah, blah. He would never say any of this to DH though. I didn't say anything to DH either for a long time. BIL was a right shit tbh every time he visited, just a real weasel. DH started picking up on it and formed his own opinion which was the best way. Thankfully BIL moved abroad and DH said he isn't that bothered about seeing him, saying he's changed for the worse. He also admitted he never liked his SIL either so I think there's some relief on his part. They still try to do some stirring with the SDs though. They say they are not in contact with DHs ex but we know they are. Just really two faced about the whole thing.

I think your SIL does it because she can, she's picking on you as she sees you in a weaker position, especially if your DH doesn't know about it. I made a promise to myself that when BIL says nasty stuff when DH is out of the room I would wait until he came back in and say 'its really interesting what xxx was saying, he thinks that ....' And then repeat what was said. You are not telling on them just carrying on the conversation they started .

Try it with SIL, I bet she'll squirm, backtrack and all that, but I bet she won't do it again .