Is there any way to make this work?

[Caterpillarmum]

I'm willing to accept that I'm the problem here I just don't know what to do for the best.

DH and I have been together for nearly ten years, we have a lovely gorgeous son together who is the light of my life. DH has two daughters from a previous relationship (20 & 16).

My problem is I really dislike the youngest daughter. I mean she really bugs the shit out of me and I don't know why. I've felt like this since I met her when she was six FGS! The eldest is a bit strange but I generally get on okay with her.

Now before you jump on me saying that she picks up on my feelings I honestly think she doesn't. The reason I say this is I end up going over board when they visit to mask how I really feel and I must be doing a good job at this because the YSD told DH that she knows that she is my favourite between her and her sister! You could have knocked me down with a feather!! I was going on the philosophy of 'fake it till you make it' hoping that my feelings would change as she got older, if anything they have gotten worse. Since having my son I dislike her even more.

She acts like a baby to get dads attention, she is a constant limpet and does the mini wife thing out in public. You would think she was his girlfriend the way she hangs off him in the pub. It's embarrassing and I know DH is embarrassed by it, so he tries to move away and she then just ends up giving me the daggers.

She is always going on about how well she is doing at school. To be fair she does do well and that's great but she has literally no interest in anything and I mean anything outside of school. She has no opinions or thoughts on anything so conversation is really quite monotonous it's like sitting through a continual parent-teacher evening!

She has no table manners, eats with her mouth open. Is very picky in what she will eat. Never says thank you if we take her out for dinner.

She makes baby like presents for DH that look like they've been made by a five year old! I kid you not, we get these hand drawn cards that look like they've been done with crayon by a primary school kid not a 16 year old!! Saying daddy this and daddy that.

I could go on and on but won't. It's not one thing, its just everything. I just think that our personalities don't click and I just don't get on with her.

I've encouraged DH to go and visit them so they don't pick up on how I really feel.I dread Christmas, I mean dread it. Having them here makes me really tense. Unfortunately our house is too small for me to detach so its hard to withdraw and get away from them.

I've tried to talk to DH about I feel and we end up in the position of him defending her and me pointing out her faults. I ask him to do a bit if parenting to address some of the issues and he feels he doesn't see them often enough to have any kind of impact and doesn't want to spoil the time he has by having a go at them. Because they do well at school he honestly can't see any issues. I feel bad for him and see his point of view but I can't change how I feel. I'm in the wrong and I'm just seeing the worst all the time but I can't change how I feel.

I feel like I have a knot in my stomach whenever he mentions YSD and I'm sure it's not healthy or right. I think I have to leave the relationship but I feel so bad for my son, will I end up creating another unhappy step kid?

I've tried counselling and it didn't work. I just feel so shit about it all, please help me get my feelings straight. I'm sat here I tears

[Caterpillarmum]

She sounds delightful blondie

My BIL was a bit like this. When DH would go out of the room he would talk about how sad it was for the SDs that their parents divorced and wasn't it just awful, blah, blah. He would never say any of this to DH though. I didn't say anything to DH either for a long time. BIL was a right shit tbh every time he visited, just a real weasel. DH started picking up on it and formed his own opinion which was the best way. Thankfully BIL moved abroad and DH said he isn't that bothered about seeing him, saying he's changed for the worse. He also admitted he never liked his SIL either so I think there's some relief on his part. They still try to do some stirring with the SDs though. They say they are not in contact with DHs ex but we know they are. Just really two faced about the whole thing.

I think your SIL does it because she can, she's picking on you as she sees you in a weaker position, especially if your DH doesn't know about it. I made a promise to myself that when BIL says nasty stuff when DH is out of the room I would wait until he came back in and say 'its really interesting what xxx was saying, he thinks that ....' And then repeat what was said. You are not telling on them just carrying on the conversation they started .

Try it with SIL, I bet she'll squirm, backtrack and all that, but I bet she won't do it again .

[Blondie276]

I haven't told him tbh. It's a subject that is a little rocky because he would rather I had more interest and feeling towards his son and so with some things he doesn't see my point of view. It's hard. So most of the time I don't tell him and my SIL is ALWAYS giving me lectures. I feel better about it now but what really gets to me is how she has said she'd never want a partner with 'baggage ' as she puts it so if anything why can't she see how hard it is for me?!

My way of dealing with it is to just take myself off out when he is here as I sometimes just can't cope but SIL had a dig and that as well. I don't think I'll ever win. He's only 7 so we have a long way until he's grown up and things settle down and at times I , like you consider going. But I know that isn't the option I should take as I idolise my DH .

I'm glad you are feeling better. Reading these posts made me feel like I actually wasn't a wicked witch and actually quite normal! That's worth it's weight in gold!
Cope how you need to but don't loose out yourself because of it. Sending a big hug.

[Caterpillarmum]

blondie I agree with penelope, your SIL IS TALKING BOLLOCKS! There is no way I'd let anyone do that, to me that's a bit like bullying you in your own home, saying you can't do this or can't do that! How did your DH react to that?

[Caterpillarmum]

Thanks everyone. Your comments and thoughts are really giving me food for thought. This is my safe place where I can really get out all that I am feeling. I feel it's been bottled up so long and has made me so miserable. I really feel like I've lost bits if me in the last ten years.

Anormalfamily I completely agree that putting one person on a pedestal makes them almost separate from the family and therefore stops them being a part of it. What do you see as the long term effect of this, does anyone have experience?

What is winding me up at the moment is that YSd has managed to sulk her way into getting a foreign holiday next month because she hasn't been abroad before. She's now crowing about it and again it's really grating me. I'm trying to detach and tbh I'm dreading when she actually goes because I am sure DH will want to talk about how great it is she has gone and all I will be think is 'the spoiled brat gets what she wants again'. I don't like thinking like this but can't help it.

DH didn't really talk about YsD this weekend after his initial attempt. I think he has sensed that something is changing in me. I just go 'uh-huh' and change the subject. He seems confused by it but hasn't said anything. I'm trying to take a deep breath and go and do something else until I feel more positive. It's hard, but I'm really trying.

Will it change how I feel when they are in their twenties and getting on with their own lives? Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?

Thanks again you are all really helping me x

[Anormalfamily]

Hi Caterpillar,
Am going through similar agonies here...
Have been to couple counseling, read books, shared books with dh, long serious talks, ranting, rationalizing , you name it. It doesn't change and it doesn't get better. And the kids in question are just too determined to be angry with you and, let's face it, are younger and stronger to see it through.
And yes, as others have mentioned, it's not the kids themselves or their behaviour, it's the dhs and their sanctioning and (in our eyes) encouraging rude behaviour towards us that really hurts.
Married or not, our dhs would have us believe they have our best interests at heart, and so it doesn't feel like a betrayal to us to leave them, rather like protecting our mh.
Am just starting another book to encourage dh to see how much he's hurting his dd emotional development, and one message is that those who remain the focus of attention don't become part of a group, I.e kids on pedestals don't become members of a family. Hence their ability to ignore us, treat us with disdain. Happens in first families too of course...
Sorry, no insights, just sympathy.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Blonde, your SIL is talking bollocks. I have certain rules and levels of behaviour that I expect from any child in my home, whether my own, DP's, children that I child mind or visiting friends. Admittedly the way I deal with them may vary (I will be more blunt and less smiley with my own, probably more lenient with visiting friends, but I will still expect the same behaviour from them all, the only difference is how I deliver that).

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

I think it could cause more problems if you actively decide not to have a relationship with her. I can't imagine how draining that must be after 10 years, but the fact that your ds is her half-brother, I think it's only fair that the two of them are allowed to continue with their relationship, even if you take a step back and it happens with your DH facilitating it while you are 'busy' with friends or out running errands etc.

I can tell from your posts how frustrated you are with her immaturity, but perhaps it might help if you try to adjust your mindset to feeling a bit sorry for her. Even taking 'ownership' of your dogs shows a level of envy and aspiration about your life, which also probably stems from her feeling put out that her dad spends all his time with you and DS.

It must be hard, no matter how old you are, to share someone you love. I know I feel a bit resentful of DP's DCs when he is with them and I'm missing him. I've found that it's ok if I'm with my DCs too, but when mine are visiting their dad I just find other things to do, as I find it really difficult to be in 'their space' as he can be very indulgent with them. He enjoys doing lovely things for everyone in his life, but especially the DCs as he 'only' spends half the week with them.

I've recently had a couple of occasions when my DCs were away for two nights and I do really miss them. One night is a nice break, but more than that is a bit odd. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for the child and the parent to only see each other every couple of weeks, the complex emotions involved for all.

We all have different expectations of our DCs based on their age and what we know they are capable of. If your DH hasn't spent a lot of time with his DDs over the years he is less tuned into their capabilities and his expectations may be a bit skewed.

[Blondie276]

Hi caterpillar. I just want to echo what others have said in that you are certainly not alone although if your family situation is anything like mine, you begin to feel like the horrid witch that has no where to turn.
I am in a very similar situation with my SS and no matter what I try- I just can't take to him. I now have a 6 th month old and if anything it's made my feelings worse towards him.
For me , the biggest issue is the way everyone has expectations of me as his step mum which I think are totally unreasonable ( ie my DH family) and the pressure previously has made me very I'll. ( I've even had a lecture tonight from my SIL about how I shouldn't discipline him of I don't do everything with him- er- what?!!! Apparently I can't deal with his bad behaviour in my own home. Nice)


We can't help how we feel and I've had two lots of 8 sessions counselling that has made no difference and I feel I don't know what else I can do. When my DH has him I go out and so my own thing so I'm not here as I just don't want to be around which I know isn't the answer but it is a way to stop me feeling so crap.

Anyway- I'm bleating on now but just wanted you to know you aren't alone- don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do as you can't help it, as I can't.

Don't leave an otherwise relationship that makes you happy- I hope you feel better soon.

[camtt]

I think at 16, even thought she is certainly not an adult, you can begin to treat her as one - one you don't especially like but need to have a functional relationship with (like a colleague). So perhaps you can just be polite but filter her out - as others have said, just not being there for so much of the time when she is present might be a start, I think really your feelings may be more about the way your DP is responding to her, and irritation that he does nothing to correct her behaviour. That would annoy me too, but I think you need to take this up with him (or say it, then leave it) and just accept that this is an individual you do not particularly get on with, at least not for now.

[Eliza22]

It's very sad. I used to have a good relationship with his eldest daughter and son (25 and 24 now). However, over the past 3 years it's put them in a virtually impossible position. They know that I did nothing wrong but obviously, they're loyal to and love their sister and their dad. We still see 2 out of 3 but I know we have years of crap ahead of us.

What hurts me most is that her behaviour, has caused my son a lot of hurt and confusion. He has autism and wonders what happened as he's been "dropped". Dh's eldest two have said that they want to continue to think of my son as their step brother but cannot promise, whilst their own sisters issues go unresolved.

Should add.....YSD is invited EVERY XMAS and refuses to come (unless I am not there- which I did one year so everyone could have a nice time but DH mentioned what a shame it was, Eliza missing and YSD walked out halfway through the Xmas meal!

As I say....I'm done with her.

[Caterpillarmum]

Okay, I thought everyone would jump on me for being this honest so thanks everyone for your support. I honestly thought people would take e view that YSDs emotional well being trumped me and our DS and I would be advised to leave because I was being mean.

Given that DS is very young and as others have pointed out, the DSDs are almost fully grown, would it be unreasonable if I were to say to DH that I don't want a relationship at all with them but would support him doing so. Can I completely detach from them? Has anyone ever done this and made it work?

I've tried for ten years and its just not getting better. I need to ensure a happy family unit for DS.

[Caterpillarmum]

Penelope. Your suggestion is a good one. I tried to bond with her over our mutual love of dogs (she isn't allowed a dog and we have dogs here). I thought dog walking, etc would be great. Bearing in mind they are my dogs that I came into the relationship with, she completely ignores the fact they are anything to do with me, gets photos of them, cuts them out and makes baby like cards which she sends just to DP. When I say baby I mean felt tip pen drawings of cutesy cartoon dogs that look like they were done by a five year old and writes daddy this and daddy that. She then would talk to DP like the dogs were her dogs that DP was just looking after for her! I didn't make a fuss, didn't even say anything to DP about it as it seems so trivial, it's just another failed attempt to find common ground.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

I feel for you, it is very frustrating to spend time with children who you just don't click with, especially when they are related to someone you dearly love. If you get on well with your dp the rest of the time I would be inclined to try and find a way to make it work, even if that means being out of the house when dsd visits. Breaking up your relationship based on a visit every few weeks seems excessive.

When you say that they don't have much else going on apart from school work, do you think you could try and encourage them to take part in other interests with you or as a family? I know it seems like the last thing you want when you don't get on with her, but it might help you both if you have some shared interests and it would get her away from her daddy for a while too. Otherwise concentrate your attention on the older one, hoping that you can try and redress the balance a bit between them. If YSD sees that her sister gets attention without being a baby it might help?

Sorry, I'm not much help, but I couldn't just read and run.

[Caterpillarmum]

Since I'm on a maniacal rant I might as well go for it!! Cue thunder clap and wild hair

I guess what has really tipped me over the edge is how she is now trying to use my son to get back into pole position. She'll bang on to DH about how cute and wonderful he is and then when we're with her she'll be really clingy and manipulative. She's 16 FFS! Go and get a boyfriend/PT job/friends and oh wait a life! Stop trying to impress daddy with school sports day and grow up! They've both done it in some ways, whatever DH is in to they will suddenly want to do. DH thinks this is great, my view is start developing interests of your own and then you'll be interesting people in your own right. Much more well rounded too.

Okay so I really am a Cow bag now aren't I??

[Caterpillarmum]

wishing that's the thing most of the time everything is fine when its just us, it's really only this issue that causes tension.

YSDs mini wife mode has steadily gotten worse over the years which has added to the tension. She's got more and more used to being the favourite and has developed more of a sense of entitlement which is what grates me. When she was little she just used to do childish stuff like if we took her on a day out and she didn't like something she'd pretend to get stomach ache to get her own way. Then when DH said he'd better take her home it would miraculously get better very quickly. We thought this was amusing at the time as it was so blatant, little did I know it would develop!

[Caterpillarmum]

Maybe try Oooohing and Aaaahning in fake swooning admiration for DSD's 'achievements'. At least he might stop doing it.

Orrr, maybe pretend you are really keen/ admiring and you can both swoon together, perhaps that will, over time, stop him being so silly.

Good suggestion. Not sure it would work though, I'm not sure i could keep it up for very long!!

[Caterpillarmum]

I have no interest in her or what she's doing now and DH knows this. He also knows I couldn't have tried any harder.

Eliza its great that your DH supports you, do you see the other DSC? How do they feel about YSDs behaviour? Does your DHs family put pressure on him to reconnect with YSD?

[wishingonastar123]

I really do feel for you, I'm not a huge fan of my DSC either and although I really do love DSD she can annoy me with some of her clingy behaviour and well...I've just never clicked with DSS, I just don't feel much for him. But they are young and I am also hoping that things change over the years.

How are you in the rest of your life? I know that I struggle more with DSC when I am unhappy with other things in my life, stressed or depressed. Once those other things are fixed then I feel much more able to handle them and much more tolerant.

I really wouldn't want to break up such a long relationship over your DSC, afterall would being on your own actually be any better?

Is there anywhere you can go when your DSC visit? Maybe visit family or a friend? I managed to avoid my DSC for months whilst I was very depressed by going for spa days, meeting friends for lunch, going shopping with my Mum. Plus it gave me a bit of a break from my own kids which is what I needed.

[doziedoozie]

My DH does the isn't it lovley/ great etc about where we live because he knows I'd much rather be somewhere else.
Maybe try Oooohing and Aaaahning in fake swooning admiration for DSD's 'achievements'. At least he might stop doing it.

Orrr, maybe pretend you are really keen/ admiring and you can both swoon together, perhaps that will, over time, stop him being so silly.

[Eliza22]

He does it because he loves his daughter and he hopes that one day, magically, it will all be ok and you'll all get on. It might. It might not. It seems like a battle of wills and YSD HAS to be top banana.

I made the mistake of holding out the olive branch, many times. I wrote on a number of occasions to my SD basically saying let's wipe the slate clean, start over, there's no reason why we cannot get on since we have one thing in common at least..... We both love DH/Dad and he us, albeit differently. I was shunned. Over and over again. I have no interest in her or what she's doing now and DH knows this. He also knows I couldn't have tried any harder.

[Caterpillarmum]

Thanks to everyone for your posts, I really appreciate it, makes me feel less horrible about the way I feel.

Natasha thanks, you're right about setting your teeth on edge

Dozieand Elizabeth- thanks

Blue hen - unspoken battleground that's exactly what it feels like!

Eelseelseels - I think if they were foster kids I'd be able to rationalise it more, in that they've had a really tough start in life and I could work on them as a project. The DsDs have had everything handed to them in a plate with nothing expected of them so its hard to be sympathetic. I think foster carers are fantastic btw

Alita7- I think you are right, it just seems like she's been put on this pedestal and I cannot understand why and also see this as incredibly unfair to the rest.

Eliza22 - what a breath of fresh air to hear you say the same thing!

What really winds me up has happened again this weekend. I've said to DH recently that I'm not getting involved anymore, he doesn't like my opinion so don't ask me. We have a big row then everything goes back to normal for a bit. He'll then go and see them and start trying to tell me all about what YSD has said or what she thinks etc like I'm suppose to to go 'oooo, aaaah' isn't that wonderful, when inwardly I'm thinking well she said that to you but I bet that's not how she really feels. I've fallen for this before, when I was pregnant with DS DH told me how excited she was, etc. I believed him and so tried to get her involved in looking at baby stuff I'd bought, she wouldn't even acknowledge anything to do with the baby and sat either staring at the tv completely ignoring me or glaring at me. She was definitely NOT happy. She was 14 at the time. Ever since then I just don't believe anything DH tells me about how she feels, not because I think he is lying but because I think he is be lied to.

Today DH has tried the whole YsD this and YSD that and I'll be honest I've just gone 'uh huh, yeah, really' and then changed the subject. I can tell he is miffed because I haven't joined in with the Disney view but tbh I just don't want to peddle bullshit anymore. I'm sure he's going to try to do this again later and then get pissed off when I don't join in, why does he do this when I've made it clear how I feel?

[Eliza22]

If you love your DP and otherwise you are happy with him, I advise to not leave. In a sense, do you think this is was YSD wants to happen? Leaving her in the well established "lead" role? I quite simply detest my YSD. DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5. He had 3 kids aged 11, 15 and 16 and I had a son aged 5 when we met. The youngest child in any family is often "babied" by everyone and his youngest was no exception. I treated them all the same, was genuinely delighted for me and my son to be marrying into a family situation. I SO WANTED IT TO WORK. From the start, YSD wasn't happy and lots of allowances were made. Now, she won't see us. She's 20. I give up. I think when at 17, she threw down a "her or me" challenge to DH, she fully expected to be put first again. It hasn't worked out for her.

DH misses her but stands by me as he says it's not my fault and YSD has these traits and would have disliked any female brought into his life. I wasn't the OW. His ex's affair ended their marriage and I met him 2 years after they split.

Read "STEPMONSTER", it explains a lot and I'd go with what others have said. Step away mentally from her, do other things when she's around. Develop a good relationship with OSD. Your son doesn't deserve this. I feel for you, I really do.

[Alita7]

Dya know what?

I think most of your issues with dsd are because she is treated as the favourite by everyone else and it's not fair and it grates at you. over time it's progressed to how it is now, blown up massively in your head because it's been so long! I think her behaviours probably are annoying but that you would be able to live with them if you didn't feel she was competing all the time with not only her sister but to an extent with you as well.

If you love your dp then don't leave. But try and arrange things for when they're coming so you're not there all day. And maybe see if there's something you can do with the older dsd?

[Eelseelseels]

I don't know if this will help, but I can absolutely understand how you feel. I'm not a step parent but a foster carer and when we started out fostering we had a brilliant social worker who was very frank about how we may feel towards other people's children. He said that there may be children we didn't take to, and that no matter how hard we tried we would not be able to find them loveable. However, he advised us to treat them as a set piece of work, and to feel that the time we spent with looking after them was a job to do to the best of our ability. There have been a number of really difficult 'button pushing' children that have come into our lives, and it has really helped us to take the pressure off ourselves to have this level of detachment, but still do our very best for them.

[thebluehen]

You have my sympathies. I have similar feelings towards my dsd1 now aged 18.

I have never "taken" to her. I've known her 6 years and always found her difficult. Sometimes I feel it's like an unspoken battleground in my home when she's there, I'm constantly defending my territory.

I've accepted I probably will never like her, hopefully she will stop being so insecure and needy as she gets older and therefore, become more likeable in my eyes.

I wouldn't walk out. You're not a bad person. Have you read step monster? It explains a lot about teenage step daughters and their behaviour.