feeling very lonely and like his ex really affects "us"

[lonelyandcomplicated]

Im feeling really lonely and isolated and need some help.

I met DP shortly after he left his wife. They split up last June (although from what hes said it sounds like things had been over for at least a year before that.) We started getting close in the September so have been together 10 months.

We kept things very quiet for the first few months as we wanted to see how things went without everyones opinions of us. We realised fairly early on that we wanted it to be a serious relationship and both of us fell madly in love in a BIG way. From Feb we went on a couple of playdates with our kids (3 between us aged 6, 4, 3) but there was never anything couply about us as we wanted to ease them into anything and take it very slowly for them. Unfortunately his ex decided to tell her kids that I was daddys girlfriend before any of us had discussed it. That forced things along faster than we had wanted to and from that moment she has seemingly been making their kids feel they cant have a good time when they are with me and their dad. The 6 year old will tell me I like coming here but it makes mummy angry. His ex tells him that they say they dont want to come to mine but when they are with me they always have a great time, often ask if they can sleepover next time and will say they dont want to go home and that they want to stay. I have no idea what their mum says to them but they seem confused and torn and I would like to know how to help them. Whenever they mention their mum I always talk positively about her, encourage them to tell me what theyve been doing that week (without pushing them) and generally treat them how Id want my exs DP to treat my DC. I know she has told my DP she doesnt want her kids being mothered by me and whilst I dont mother them I do treat them as Id treat a neice / nephew at my house. The little one will quite often come to me and ask for a cuddle and I always say yes. I dont want to take over from their mum but I want them to be happy when they are at my house (or anywhere for that matter.)

Recently his ex has been saying that him being with me is having a really negative effect on the kids. She doesnt say how but just says trust me it is. Shes been saying we are going too fast as theyve seen that we share a bed when hes at mine. I was always happy to go as slowly with the kids as felt right but the irony is she was the one who decided to say I was his girlfriend. So once they knew that and seemed fine with it we decided to let them see we shared a bed. She has been saying that he shouldnt bring them to my house as it unsettles them (but they tell him they want to come). She has also decided she wont agree to the divorce terms which she previously was going to agree to (her unreasonable behaviour for a few things which I wont go into) and keeps talking about the fact that he wants a divorce must just be so he can be with me or because I am pushing for it. To be honest I dont care if theyre divorced or not, I just want to be able to live my life and move on with my new DP and he is wary about this until he is divorced for financial reasons.

She has said that she wants to meet me, then said that she doesnt and now is saying that she does. I think this might help as she might realise I am a nice person who just wants her kids to be happy. On the other hand she might just meet me and feel very jealous (as Im with her ex) and decide she hates me. Ive said Im very happy to meet her as I can see why a mum would want to meet someone spending time with their kids.

I am writing really because I feel really sad and really alone. I know she must be hurting as her H left her and is now happy with someone else and I can understand that that is hard for her. But equally I am starting to wonder if I can deal with all this. Part of me thinks I should just take a breather. But I love this guy so much and have never felt about someone how I feel about him. My girlfriends also say I should stick at it as why let her win? and most people seem to think it will get easier. I just find it incredibly hard and stressful that there is someone else who can dictate/affect our relationship. I really feel she is using the kids to try and get between me and DP. He can see it but it still really affects him as shell say youre putting yourself before the kids and you being with her is really affecting them badly.

Has anyone got any advice for me?

I don't really have any advice but my only observation (from experience) is that you only have a hope of weathering this if your DP supports you and is all round handling things well.

I'm afraid she won't like you - not for a decade or so, anyway! But that doesn't have to matter. She'll soon realise she can't hurt the kids over it (hopefully). If it wasn't you he'd be with someone else.

Also once they're actually divorced it will be better as reconciliation will be off the cards. When does his divorce come through?

From your post, the chances are she's never going to like you. That's just how it is in some step family situations. I'd try not to worry about it though. There's no need for you to have that much contact with her - she is linked to your DP because of the children so it's him 99 percent of her communication will be. As long as he stays child-focused when speaking to her about things - your relationship has no bearing on what she thinks. She's going to have an opinion of you but just let it run off your back like a duck to water. If you do cross paths, just say a polite hello.

Hello, lonely, and welcome to the club.
Just to second what rose petal said, it won't work if dp is not on board.
Been there, got the T-shirt, so to say.
Our first years of being together, then married, were hell because dh wouldn't upset exw. always walking on eggshells, stupidly afraid she'd block access when her real worry was if he'd take the kids off her less nOw that he was in a relationship! (Paying above and beyond maintenance goes without saying).
It was mad, and still is to some extent. If there is one piece of advice I can offer 5 years in, its that your dp may never waver in his support of you and your relationship. If he ever does and you let him, in the hope of him coming round to see sense and value you and your input as he should, you've already lost him... ... And it's the devil of a job getting him back on track!

Is he living with you now? Does he see his children on his own?

It seems very fast even if you live separately, and I can understand why his Ex would be reeling from it all.

I agree it is for him to step up and deal with this, and make you feel more secure not insecure. Maybe he could spend less time passing on his Ex's concerns to you and more time working on solutions.

He needs to say that your relationship is none of her business unless it directly affects the children. How was their relationship before you came on the scene?

Thanks for the replies.

No we dont live together so he has time with his kids without me. He sees them one evening a week and every other weekend and when he has them at the weekend we sometimes see them and sometimes not. So probably of about 5 weekends when they are with Dad, we see them 3. Theyve stayed at my house twice (both times at their request) and weve stayed at theirs once. Only the most recent time (2 weeks ago) did we share a bed. That was a while after his ex had told his kids that we were boyf and girlf and theyd had a bit of time to get used to the idea. We both felt that as long as we kept the physical aspect in check since they knew we were a couple they should see us as a couple.

When they are at mine I always try and make sure they feel theyre with dad, i.e. sitting them next to dad at dinner and me sitting the other end etc. Both the girls like me though and the eldest in particular will often ask if she can come and help me do jobs. Ill say dont you want to play with Daddy? but she likes coming and hanging out with me. Im confident they are happy when they are at mine and thats all Ive ever wanted.

He has started standing up to ex a bit more recently. However they havent started their divorce yet which makes things harder. They were both very keen to do it (it makes it easier for them to both move on financially) and then since she found out about me shes decided she doesnt agree to the terms theyd originally discussed (her unreasonable behaviour). Shes said she doesnt want to get divorced so he can move on with me. Because theyve only been separated a year that means we could have to wait another year before he can even start it.

Before I came on the scene their relationship was very tense. He says she is very up and down about it and always has been. He says sometimes they do get on ok. Him being with me has definitely provoked her more. Not because I think she wanted a reconciliation but because its hard when you see your ex with someone new and they are really happy. I think thats the bit she finds hard.
I do feel he supports me though.

Do you think I should share some ground rules on how we move forward? Or some thoughts if rule is too stringent?
Otherwise I feel we may always have the same conversations!!

How do you think you would feel if you were in her shoes? I always thinks it helps to empathise, so you can all negotiate through the hurt as kindly as possible.

Although frankly, most of that is your partner's job.

I think you may have to slow down, quite significantly, to get things onto a more even keel. And does he have to tell you everything she says? That would drive me nuts.

I'm in a similar position and have been for the last two years. I found reading Divorce Poison really helpful.

I do put myself in her shoes and I can understand how she FEELS but I can't understand what she does about it!

I do put myself in her shoes and I can understand how she FEELS but I can't understand what she does about it!

Why slow down if its working for everyone except the ex? Wherever possible DH and I have made consideration for his ex but she isn't part of the family we've created together.

I think it's really important to see whether OP's partner will stand up to his ex as that determines everything. She'll always be their mother but OP is the woman in his life now and he needs to decide where his primary alliance lies.

^^ agree.

It has all happened rather quickly. You will not be able to change his behaviour towards her, and their DC s. The level of guilt experienced by men in this situation is often unexpressed. He had divided loyalties. She needs a chance to move on, she is in a world of pain. I am sure you are really well intended, but this is so difficult for everyone, and all set ups are different, try and find an outside focus for you and your dcs, leave everyone else to come to things in their own time. Best of luck:-)

Id disagree with that. At the beginning of this year I posted about my situation and got some "tough love" from a poster telling me to kick my DH into shape and he has.

I agree guilt plays a huge part but I also believe behaviours can be changed when they are brought out in the open.

OP - don't waste time trying to understand why she does what she does - you'll drive yourself crazy. Empathise, definitely, but don't bother trying to get your head round the behaviours that come from her pain. Just concentrate on your DP and DCs :)

Thanks nomoretether. So how did you kick your DH into shape? My DP does support me... Although he's naturally a people pleaser so will always try to just keep the peace with everyone (not a bad thing but it's mostly been me who had to compromise). Recently however he has started to put "us" first... Mainly because I've made it clear that whilst I'm happy to be sensitive to his ex's feelings I won't let that affect my life every time.

It's just the fact she's stalling the divorce now. Why would someone do that? It's so controlling.

Well the dp will either be being kicked into shape by OP or getting from his ex. Nice how encouraging supportive and loving. She is stalling the divorce because the 3 of you don't have enough to go round, and she wants her fair share. You can't all have it all ways all of the time. Either accept that or all spend a long time fighting over £ and your dpS affections. How you are both fuelling his ego.

Sorry frames I don't really understand your post...
I don't want any £ from my DP. I make my own living.

Just pretty much what you said - setting boundaries. I respected his wish to "people please" and we had a good talk about his grief and guilt and I stopped allowing him to make decisions that negatively impacted us as a family. I made him aware of how his decisions were impacting us whereas before I'd just kept my mouth shut. Once he was aware he agreed that it wasn't fair that her behaviours shouldn't be affecting our family and started to take responsibility for resolving some issues and making it clear to her that he wouldn't tolerate others.

It's not perfect, not at all, but I don't feel like I have to suck it up anymore. I feel heard and that makes a huge difference.

We also had the divorce problem. You'll get there eventually.

Thanks nomoretether. Did it take for her to meet someone else to stop bothering you both?
I do understand my DPs ex is hurt but the way she's trying to manipulate him (and the kids although I hope she's not doing it intentionally) is just unbelievable...

She hasn't met anyone yet as far as I know and actually she hasn't really stopped trying to make life difficult for us, the difference is that DH just doesn't entertain it anymore.

Hiya-
When ours (ExW) met someone serious she did massively ease up. Partly also because her bloke has kids and I reckon she finally saw how eggshelly it is.

Why would someone do that? It's so controlling.

That is what it's all about to some ex's i'm afraid. Even if they had split first and ex didn't want him back some will still get a kick of showing that they have a pivotal role as they came first. Especially when they feel that you weaken their position because your DH may value your opinion and may not bow down to her every whim now.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can. She may let up eventually but to be honest I found that how my DH's ex was with us depended massively on if she was in a bad mood with something else and DH was just got it over at pick up or drop off.

We all get on so much better now that I realise that actually most of the time if she is in an arse it will blow over if we just don't bother to react.

Both DH and I have been accused of doing all sorts to kids and her favourite line used to be "the kids won't tell you themselves because they are afraid of you" the last time she said it DH called the kids to where they were and said " it does upset me that you may be afraid of sanity or me and I really want to know why so we can stop doing the things that scare you" kids looked blankly and said but we're not scared - we never get smacked at your house like mommy smacks us .

There are times when I take her side now over things that I can see she has a point over (although not to her face but when it is just DH and I) and equally there are times when I don't agree with things she says or does to the kids but DH will just tell me to not take it to heart and we breathe and let it go.

On the plus side I have found over the years that when people are like this and run hot and cold most tit fits die down pretty quick and it's a different drama within a couple of weeks.

If you don't want to meet her don't - it makes no odds really as either she believes her DH would not put them in harms way and therefore shouldn't have them at all or she trusts him to be a dad and makes his own decisions.

Thanks sanity. With her it has always Been about control. She still does it now with him and he actually said to her the other day politely but firmly. "Please stop trying to control what I do with the DCs when they're with me". It didn't go down well but I'm glad he stood up to her!

I will meet her if she wants because to be honest I don't give a shit either way so see no point in saying no and giving her something else to moan about!

It's so hard cause I do understand that it must be painful but equally I feel very protective over myself and the life me and DP want to build together and I feel really angry that she is trying to make that difficult. Ironically it brings us closer together as it means we talk more. It does sometimes make me wonder if I can deal with all the hassle though! Especially as my ex is such a nice guy.

I agree with other posters. It actually won't matter what attempts the ex makes to impact you if your DP has good boundaries in place. TBH I would think that the reason it is affecting you at the moment is because these boundaries haven't been established yet. This might be because they haven't actually been separated very long and it takes a long time to settle into constructive co-parenting for some never It could also be that your DP doesn't know how to establish this and/or doesn't recognise his responsibility in this.

It's easier at the beginning of a relationship to blame the ex when you're all loved up, but believe me i also have the t shirt when you move in you quickly identify that actually, your DP is allowing his ex to keep one hand on his whoosits and telling you it's her fault. WTF. My DH is a pleaser and its a pretty miserable place for him and me.

I would protect yourself first. I should have taken more time before living with DH so we were more aware of dynamics and clearer about our expectations. I realise now there is no need to live together so quickly and we should have appreciated what we already had. He hadn't been with his ex for about 6 years when we met, and she has never tried to cause issues for our relationship. A lot of what you describe IMO is more related to being in a relationship with someone who has children, than it being about the behaviour of the ex. Although I acknowledge a difficult ex would exacerbate the issues. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom, i just wish i'd had MN to turn to when I was making my choices because people in RL, unless they are SPs, are not well informed about the issues you will face. There is no reason your relationship with your DP can't be wonderful more so by maintaining separate homes.