Step-mum issues with my 13 year old, what on earth do I do?

[MaryRose]

My 13 year old is having real problems when visiting her dad and I don't know what to do!!! We have been divorced for 9 years and I generally get on ok with her Dad, but it just seems her step mum is causing all kinds of problems recently. It started a few months ago when my DD would tell me that her dad and step mum would take my younger DD (10) out shopping etc and leave her home for long periods on her own. To be fair older DD was always invited but she's at that age where she can be stubborn, however I felt they should sometimes ask her what she would like to do etc so she didn't feel left out. About this time she also started saying step mum always favoured my younger DD and was quite horrible to her. I arranged to meet her Dad for a coffee to talk it over, then the step mum told him he couldn't meet me and we would have to talk on the phone about it!!!!! Which we did. Things got better for a while but now they are getting worse again. DD texted me yesterday saying she wanted to come home as she was in trouble for keeping her phone in her room when she went to bed, and step mum had said she was causing trouble and they needed to have 'a long talk' when she got home from work. Fair enough DD had broken the rules but it seemed to be a bot over the top, I didn't see why they couldn't just say to her in the morning she shouldn't have done it and leave it at that rather than it building up to this big conversation about the fact that she had had her phone when she wasn't meant to. I called her dad and we had an amicable chat, he subsequently spoke to her about the phone whilst step mum was out, laid down the rules firmly but fairly and all seemed to be fine, we discussed the issues with her feeling left out and he came up with sensible ideas such as a rota of choosing what the girls do etc.

Then DD comes home from dad's in tears yesterday. It seems step mum was not satisfied with how dad had dealt with the phone issue and when she got home from work really ripped into DD over dinner, telling her she had had six years of her and was sick of her, that her and her dad are on the point of splitting up over her, that she was going to call me and tell me what she thinks of my daughter (I wish she had, I would have welcomed that call) and all kinds of other horrible stuff. Clearly she was cross that my X and I had spoken on the phone and sorted it out amicably. Feel so sorry for DD she is being put in the middle of what are obviously issues in their relationship. I know my D is 13 and by definition not always easy but this seems to border on emotional abuse to me, particularly saying that they will split up because of her, she only goes every other weekend for heaven's sake! The thing is, when there are difficulties, I can talk to her dad, who is generally really reasonable, he then talks to DD in a reasonable manner and all seems fine then step mum comes in and throws her weight around for no apparent reason!!! I know it is difficult being a step parent but I have a step daughter myself and would never dream of saying things like this to her. DD now says she doesn't want to go to her dad's anymore and I don't blame her, but I don't see why this woman should ruin my daughter's relationship with her dad. Help?????

"Oh really SisterMcKenzie? So you think a step mum doing a character assassination on my daughter and saying she has had six years of her and is sick of her (heard by my younger DD and her dad admits it was said too) is my daughter 'playing me' do you? I think that's pretty disgusting to be honest and if I'd said that to my step daughter my DH would have called me on it big time."

You don't know what the step mother said because you were not there.

Children never lie or embellish to get their own way, of course.

The fact that your daughter text's you when things aren't going her way speaks volumes. She knows you will respond otherwise she would't bother.

Teens take the path of least resistance and I'm afraid it looks like your it, followed closely by her dad.

No way would my DH over my head to an ex to decide what happens in our house, thank goodness.

I feel sorry for the step mother, she seems to be getting it from all sides, poor bugger.

Clearly you are determined to see the worst in me and my daughter SisterMcKenzie, if you had actually read my post you would see my younger DD and the girls' DAD have verified what she said. But clearly my daughter, a CHILD is making all this up, and her step mother the ADULT is free from blame. What a cynical way to approach the situation. If you had also read my previous posts, rather than simply leaping to defend the SM, you might also have seen I left the father because he was abusive and my DD clearly remembers the abuse, so yes I am overprotective, yes I leap to her defence, my girls weren't even allowed to stay with him for a fairly lengthy period until he had treated his anger issues and then for a time under grandparent supervision. So excuse me fir believing my daughter when she says there is upsetting conflict in the house and she is being targeted, I care for her emotional and physical well being, that is a mother'4 natural instinct, so before you leap to conclusions to judge people perhaps read back and get all the facts.

Mary, I not trying to be horrible here but you are drip feeding information. Now you say he had an anger issue that stopped access and then it resumed under supervision. This is a big bit of information to throw in at a later stage.

I've read all your posts and I still think, as you have acknowledge, she is a teenager who is behaving like a teenager. No one has said she is making it up but it's been suggested that she is twisting events to her own advantage - of course she is she's a teenager who wants to get her own way!

Many posters have said they think you and your ex are being played off against each other but you keep batting this back and the bashing your ex and his wife. The SM had a moment of weakness and made a mistake. She shouldn't have said what she said but she is human, no need to burn her at the stake. Hand on heart as a SM yourself I'm sure there are events that your SD could have twisted to paint you in a bad light if she had wanted to.

If your ex is still as bad as he was then why is he having unsupervised access? Can't really have it both ways.

You are angry, of course it's natural but don't start letting your anger twist your own judgement.

Have you posted for validation or opinion? If you ask on an open forum you will get a mixture of both.

As for the getting facts straight, that relies on you as the OP supplying the facts. I'm sorry but your posts are contradictory.

Is your ex this?
" I can talk to her dad, who is generally really reasonable"

or this

"he was abusive to me during the 7 years we were together which was the catalyst for us splitting up. Dd1 remembers this,"

Abusive men don't usually turn "generally really reasonable"

That's mumsnet chapter and verse btw

Next
" if you had actually read my post you would see my younger DD and the girls' DAD have verified what she said"

I'm sorry I missed that and I've looked a few times.

I did find this though...
"whilst younger DD is usually ok she said yesterday that she thought step mum had been really horrible to older DD"
That's really not the same...

Can you point me to your quote, sorry if I missed it :)

"Clearly you are determined to see the worst in me and my daughter SisterMcKenzie"

Nope I am not looking for the worst in anyone.
Just looking at the information that you provided which is from what I've read seems pretty contradictory.

It's in the post that starts 'oh really SisterMcKenzie' and says, in brackets '(heard by my younger DD and her Dad admits it was said too)'. Feel free to flame me and give your opinions on whether or not my ex was or wasn't abusive to me, I'm used to being called a liar over this, that's how abusive relationships work, I left him nine years ago and believed he needs another chance to see his girls, but please do not assume my daughter is lying as you cannot know that either.

Sounds like the SM is over reacting but it also sounds just like me when I was 13-15 and I always played my parents off against each other, sometimes unintentionally and occasionally on purpose.

I think that being a teenager whose parents have split is really difficult especially because being a teenager is all about testing the boundaries and with two different households there are two sets of boundaries.

I managed to successfully divide and conquer my parents because they never saw eye to eye and neither did their new partners. I was always getting 'lectured' by my Stepdad about my behaviour, etc, and it was water off a ducks back because I only really listened to my two parents.

If you can coordinate with your XH and discuss it between you (on the phone or whatever) that would be most effective.

I had times when I really didn't want to visit dad at weekends but it was a temporary thing and other times when I wanted to spend more time with him. Just because every other weekend is something that is convenient doesn't mean it's going to necessarily match the emotional needs of your new teenage DD. She'll be up and down and so will her relationships. Teenagers can be as fickle and irrational as toddlers sometimes.

I'd try to maintain a candid and open ongoing discussion with XH and try to present a united front to DD. Let him sort out his DP.

Thanks madamweasel, we have arranged to meet next week. I am not some kind of idiot who believes my daughter is completely not at fault, as some on here are determined to think, but neither do I think she was making up what has been said and done, I know my daughter and when she came home she was clearly very distressed, not crocodile tears at all which I am used to!

The stepmum is well within her rights to re-raise the issue of the phone if she did not feel it was a closed affair.

the shopping trip is nonsense. i have one DSC who enjoys coming along on shopping trips or social outings and one who always refuses as he would prefer to stay home with tv and xbox. occasionally i insist that he come along but most times we go without him. he misses out then on lunches out or impulse buys ...once or twice he has complained that we had a nice lunch out while he had to fix his own pot noodle at home. we laughed and told him that if he wanted the perks he should have come and spent time with his family.

as for what stepmum said...i don't know. even you admit that your DD can be awful at times. if she is deliberately shit stirring and causing trouble, maybe SM feels some frank words are in order. Not what you would do yourself maybe but hardly emotional abuse or cause to end contact. Lets hope it makes your DD think.on.

The stepmum is well within her rights to re-raise the issue of the phone if she did not feel it was a closed affair.

She is within her rights to raise it with the father if she does not think he has dealt with it properly. She is not within her rights to "lay into" the child again. This would be the same regardless of whether she is the mother or step mother.

I disagree. if we have a behaviour issue with DD and DH speaks with her about it, I will sometimes still have further words with her. As might DH. This doesnt mean undermining each other because we dont reverse consequences orcriticise the adult who has already spoken, but we are both free to speak directly to the childen when we are unhappy with something that has happened DSC or DC. I am not a silent partner in my marriage. But if I spoke tp my DSC about something they had done and my DH came along afterwards and had his own worfs with them, I doubt anyone would say much about that.

There's a big difference between having a talk about behaviour issues and laying into a teen that they are to blame for marriage problems etc. I really hope the SM has enough self-awareness to know that wasn't acceptable and has apologised. We can all lose it, how she behaves after having done so will speak volumes.

But the point is, as on the original post, she didn't just raise the phone issue and leave it at that did she (though I agree with Owl, I think it should be a discussion between parents), she then want on to say pretty insulting things about how my DD was causing her and her dad to split up and she was sick of her (and then apparently I now find out proceeded to pack a bag and storm out, she's back now). DD had been really yelled out and was upset, I don't think that's on at all. She sees her dad to weekends a month, that should be a quiet enjoyable time, not one for her to be stuck in the middle of relationship problems and lambasted for her part in the family breakdown. If these things need discussing that should be in a calm manner, not yelled across a dinner table and certainly not laden with accusatory statements.

I have read all the posts, most are very helpful, thank you, though a few people do seem determined to lay all the blame on DD because she is a teenager, so of course she must be acting up, which I think is just as bad as the assumption that step mum must be evil because, well, she's step mum.

Part of the problem I think, and DD has admitted this, is there is a very laissez faire attitude towards enforcing rules at her dad's house which backs up what some people have said about expectations. I lay down the law on phones etc here, as does my mum when the girls stay with her, and DD never tries to push it because she knows we won't have it. But she says her dad is lax in enforcing rules because often he can't be bothered and is more interested in his X Box, hence she pushes it at times and then gets a bollocking. Part of parenting I feel is not just to make rules but to bloody well enforce them consistently, otherwise teenagers will try to get away with all sorts!!!!

Chief, apparently SM texted DD next morning to say she WASN'T sorry that she had shouted and said what she did but that she was sorry if DD felt that she didn't love her. Not much of an apology.

I'm with you on this one Mary Rose. And no, not much of an apology! I don't blame your dd for wanting to stay away.

Well, I don't agree with punishing a child twice, brdgrl.

As far as I am concerned, if my XH has dealt with something, he has dealt with it. If I don't agree with how he has deal with it I will tell him not lay into my child about it and punish them again. Ditto if his partner has dealt with something.

That's no apology at all IMO. Its a classic MN "How to say sorry without actually apologising for your behaviour"

What she said was terrible but it reads like you're determined to undermine the sm in her own home.

I can guarantee, if dh and I had agreed a course of action for dealing with something and then I came home and found out his ex had interfered and had made a decision about my household in my absence, I'd go nuclear. Not at the child but at the situation.

As for the shopping et al, sm has done nothing wrong in that situation.

By all means talk to your ex about going forward but perhaps you should be prepared to step back a lot a little and accept that your dd is not some victim here.

It seems like there are apologies due on all sides.

Well, I don't agree with punishing a child twice, brdgrl.
She wasn't punished twice, though. In fact, based on what I read here, she wasn't even punished once. She was spoken to by her dad (after DSD complained to mummy and mummy rang up dad!):
he subsequently spoke to her about the phone whilst step mum was out, laid down the rules firmly but fairly and all seemed to be fine, we discussed the issues with her feeling left out and he came up with sensible ideas such as a rota of choosing what the girls do etc.
So then SM has her own words with DD - telling her she had had six years of her and was sick of her, that her and her dad are on the point of splitting up over her, that she was going to call me and tell me what she thinks of my daughter (I wish she had, I would have welcomed that call) and all kinds of other horrible stuff. - well, obviously this is about way more than the phone alone. The SM may have good reason to speak directly to the kid about the pattern of her behaviour. And if telling her off was required, so be it.

Clearly she was cross that my X and I had spoken on the phone and sorted it out amicably. You and your X didn't sort out amicably the issue of the broken house rules, because that isn't your issue to sort out. It can't be sorted out when one of the parties involved was deliberately cut out.

She sees her dad to weekends a month, that should be a quiet enjoyable time, not one for her to be stuck in the middle of relationship problems and lambasted for her part in the family breakdown.
And what if she is playing a large part in making it NOT quiet and enjoyable?
Sorry, but if she is causing trouble, then they have to deal with it, and if that means her weekend isn't just a lovely holiday, that's that. I suspect that SM would tell us that they have a lovely time during the week and then this teen (whose mum willingly admits she has an attitude, isn't an angel, and other phrases I haven't looked upthread again to quote!) shows up and makes home life a misery.

Feel so sorry for DD she is being put in the middle of what are obviously issues in their relationship. Meh. Your ex and his wife are arguing over the children. Pretty common, it seems, especially where there is an ex-wife determined to undermine them with the kids. Which you absolutely are. You should be leaving their household rules alone. DD may well be the 'issues' in their relationship. It sounds like she is playing a part in the family breakdown, and when the SM has tried to deal with that by, you know, dealing with her DH, you have been unhappy with that. I think that if she has now determined that her strategy will be to deal with your DD directly, you need to at least have a quiet think about how much you have contributed to that state of things. You are using phrases like "character assassination" and "emotional abuse" - you are ringing your X to criticise SM and her attempts at enforcing house rules, you are interfering in their marriage and you are clearly hostile to her. So yes, maybe she has decided that she needs to take a different tactic and speak openly to your DD, since her attempts to be respected in her own home are being undermined when she tries to do it less directly.

Mary Rose isn't undermining anything Sounds to me like she is attempting to co-parent and the SM is the one undermining that. They were going to go out for coffee and a chat but SM insisted it was done on the phone. Why? Dad was happy with his course of action and carried it out. If he didn't discuss or agree that with his dp, or changed what they had agreed, then her issue is with him, and MaryRose has played no part in that. And neither has their dd who is just being a teen, and picking up the vibe that her SM doesn't like her. That in itself is going to affect her behaviour.

The stepmum told her off. So what? The mum needs to accept that this can happen, is going to happen, and probably should happen.

Brdgl are you a troll? What AWFUL things to Day about someone else's daughter! How dare you! I wouldn't dream of speaking about another person's child like you just have calling her obnoxious etc. Before you sling mud at myself and my daughter I would encourage to take a look at your own personality, and your desire to turn every post you make into a rather nasty thread of comments about us. Others on here have quite rightly put the SM point and tried yo get me to think about it. They have not however resorted to getting highly insulting. You have. I suggest you stop.

*say

Cheers for the suggestion, MaryRose. I am not slinging mud, I was pointing out that you yourself have made a number of comments indicating that your DD does have some bad behaviours. I have said nothing about your DD that you did not say yourself. OK, "Obnoxious" was a paraphrase, but I suggest that you re-read your own thread to see where that impression of your DD originates from!

Of course she has some bad behaviour at times, she's a bloody teenager. But what your own post actually said is that I 'encouraged' her in her obnoxious attitude and then 'cried emotional abuse at every turn'. Seems pretty damn personal to me.