My 13 year old is having real problems when visiting her dad and I don't know what to do!!! We have been divorced for 9 years and I generally get on ok with her Dad, but it just seems her step mum is causing all kinds of problems recently. It started a few months ago when my DD would tell me that her dad and step mum would take my younger DD (10) out shopping etc and leave her home for long periods on her own. To be fair older DD was always invited but she's at that age where she can be stubborn, however I felt they should sometimes ask her what she would like to do etc so she didn't feel left out. About this time she also started saying step mum always favoured my younger DD and was quite horrible to her. I arranged to meet her Dad for a coffee to talk it over, then the step mum told him he couldn't meet me and we would have to talk on the phone about it!!!!! Which we did. Things got better for a while but now they are getting worse again. DD texted me yesterday saying she wanted to come home as she was in trouble for keeping her phone in her room when she went to bed, and step mum had said she was causing trouble and they needed to have 'a long talk' when she got home from work. Fair enough DD had broken the rules but it seemed to be a bot over the top, I didn't see why they couldn't just say to her in the morning she shouldn't have done it and leave it at that rather than it building up to this big conversation about the fact that she had had her phone when she wasn't meant to. I called her dad and we had an amicable chat, he subsequently spoke to her about the phone whilst step mum was out, laid down the rules firmly but fairly and all seemed to be fine, we discussed the issues with her feeling left out and he came up with sensible ideas such as a rota of choosing what the girls do etc.
Then DD comes home from dad's in tears yesterday. It seems step mum was not satisfied with how dad had dealt with the phone issue and when she got home from work really ripped into DD over dinner, telling her she had had six years of her and was sick of her, that her and her dad are on the point of splitting up over her, that she was going to call me and tell me what she thinks of my daughter (I wish she had, I would have welcomed that call) and all kinds of other horrible stuff. Clearly she was cross that my X and I had spoken on the phone and sorted it out amicably. Feel so sorry for DD she is being put in the middle of what are obviously issues in their relationship. I know my D is 13 and by definition not always easy but this seems to border on emotional abuse to me, particularly saying that they will split up because of her, she only goes every other weekend for heaven's sake! The thing is, when there are difficulties, I can talk to her dad, who is generally really reasonable, he then talks to DD in a reasonable manner and all seems fine then step mum comes in and throws her weight around for no apparent reason!!! I know it is difficult being a step parent but I have a step daughter myself and would never dream of saying things like this to her. DD now says she doesn't want to go to her dad's anymore and I don't blame her, but I don't see why this woman should ruin my daughter's relationship with her dad. Help?????