19 yr old DSD is stealing my husband's time and I am fed up

[Mummy1106]

DH and I have been together for 10 years and we have 7 yr old daughter together. He has two children from previous marriage, son 27 and daughter 19.
Stepson is independent while stepdaughter is not.
SS finished school 2 years ago and hasn't gone into UNI yet. She is working at her aunts shop whilst waiting to reapply for the 3rd time.

DH is working away and I only see him every second week for 4 days.
Day before his arrival SD comes and she stays for 4 days, which doesn't give us any time alone. She also demands lifts everywhere, shopping trips for just two of them etc and he is happy to oblige.
Whilst he is away she is independent but as soon as he is back she regresses to 13 year old girl.

I am getting fed up of all this and I was hoping that she would get into Uni this year and become more independent. I tried talking to DH about this, he feels that she doesn't see him much so she is missing him "and she is only 19". I resent all this and it feels like our daughter and I come second to SD needs.

I feel lost and not sure what to do any more. I tried gently hinting that she is too dependent on him and it may be time for her to grow up a bit and start looking after herself. His response is that she still needs him and he is there for her.

Am I vbeing unreasonable for feeling so much resentment?

Yes, I think you are but I can see how annoying and upsetting it would be to see so little of your DH. The problem is that he works away and has left little time for his demanding homelife.
His DD will soon be away and no longer taking up his time. It is not her fault he is not about much.

Who is she stealing his time from? You?

Would it be a shock to learn that you don't own his time, he owns his time, and he is freely giving it to his daughter.

Maybe sit down with him and discuss whether his working away is right for your family (by which I mean both you, your dd, and your sd) at this point in time. His sd still appears to need her dad.

The problem seems to be that he is away all the time, not that his dd needs him for 4 days out of 14.

Well that would annoy me too but not much you can do about it. The problem is that he is home so seldom. Is there anyway he could change his circumstances? He is one man who has to divide himself three ways. If he couldn't see the SD she would feel terribly rejected but because he sees her so much then you your DD are the ones feeling rejected.

I would at least ask that don't do solo shopping trips during his fortnightly four day sojourn home and offer a whole family day out instead. If your DH was home more this wouldn't be a problem.

If you only see him every second week for 4 days - how often does she get to see her dad?

I understand your frustration but you can't really put an age limit on his daughter wanting to see/spend time with him. However I do think it's unreasonable for one on one time at the detriment of your dd and yourself and agree perhaps family days out. if there is no way around his working away, you'll have to speak to him and come to some agreement where you all spend time with him and not just one of you.

When does your DH see his other dd, the 7yo? I would have thought that she needed him even more than the dad.
When does he spend time with his DW? I mean yes children do need their father to spend time with them but do do their partner.

So the real question is:

• does he have any time on a 1-1 basis with his younger dd?
• does he have time on a 1-1 basis with his DW? If he doesn't, and is away most if the time anyway, what is the point for him and the DW to still be in a relationship?

Unfortunately for all the people involved, he has very little time to spend at home. That means his prototype should be his family, all if it, wo expecting one person to never be seen at the detriment of another. It's a different situation than, let's say he was at home all week and the dad was coming every 2 weeks for 4 days.
And the age shouldn't be the determining factor. If it is then that's its younger dd that he should be spending the most time with. Is he?

For how long has he being working that sort pattern for work? Is it a new thing?

Pyjama - the OP says that the DSD stays at their house for those four days, so for four days a fortnight, the four of them are together for that tiime.

OP I can see that this must be incredibly frustrating for you, but if your dh cannot change his work, then psychologically the more he supports his dd1 now, the more likely she is to go to, and settle at Uni. For whatever reason, she is clinging to him now. It is a little concerning that an adult should depend so much on her parents now - she doesn't sound a confident or happy person - but with support she will grow up eventually - they all do!!

If you can bear to continue like this for another year, would it help you to look at your dh differently? It says a lot for him that he is so close to his dd, and that she wants to go shopping with him and spend time with him. She will move away sooner or later, but if you can wait that long, then know that your dh is one of the good ones: a dad who has shown that he will step up and support his children and enjoys being with them.

I would be annoyed in your shoes too. Surely your 7 year old is missing out on quality time with her dad and I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I think at this stage it's more important that the 7 year old gets dad time that the 19 year old. Regular one-on-one shopping trips every two weeks with the 19 year old are not necessary. No reason she can't join you on family days out but given that he is home so little then he does need to get the right balance.

Most of the SDs peers are probably at Uni, out with their mates, launching themselves into adulthood. Certainly what I was doing when I was her age. My dad would come up and see me at uni very other month to stock up my food cupboard and take me shopping. When I came home I was expected to fit in with my dad and step mums living pattern, not demand one-on-one time every two weeks. Sometimes I think we've gone way over board in step family situations whereby kids get to dictate to adults rather than learning to fit in. We seem so hell bent on focusing in on step kids feelings ALL the time other important life skills and maturing emotionally goes out the window. Kids raised in so called normal families don't get this, they have to fit in. We are making a rod for our own back and skewing a generation IMHO.

The problem though is not SD as she is just doing what she has always done presumably, it's your DH that needs to tackle this one. He needs to help her transition into adulthood, not by not seeing her but by getting her to become more integrated into the family unit on a more adult footing than treating her to kiddie days out.

I think longtallsally2 makes some good points. Did she live with her mother during most of her growing up years? If so, she may be trying to make up for some lost time with her dad.

I sympathise as we are in a similar situation except SD thinks that she can't have any time alone with DH, if we go out to a restaurant or similar then of course I go but I'm it hanging around all day, I have my own errands etc to do
I suppose you can't win either way

When does the 7 year old get to see her father by herself?

It certainly sounds like some readjusting needs to happen on behalf of the younger dd.

Yeah I get that she sees her dad when he's home for those 4 days but what I was initially asking (and sorry didn't come out right) is does his DSD see him other than those 4 days? If she doesn't, then like his wife and other daughter it's understandable that she also wants to see him as well as any one else in his immediate family if he's away for so long.

DD sorry not DSD.

I agree with what Boomeranggirl says. YANBU to feel upset that you see so little of your DH, but you are BU to resent your DSD for it. 19 year olds often really aren't very mature. I would be kicking up more of a fuss if he doesn't spend at least as much time with your 7 y o DD though.

Well I think that when children are little there is something to say that they need their parent input a lot.
However this is a 19 yo, she is an adult!
Of course it's normal that she sees her mum and dad on a regular basis but that's not the same as 'reverting to a 13yo' behaviour. At that age I was seeing my mum and dad once a year for 2 weeks and had one phone call a week. They were living overseas and I just couldn't 'get' more than that. But I was ok because I was ... well .... An independent young adult.

I also think that relationship need to be nurture. If you don't spend time With your partner, and take care of the relationship, you can't expect it to work.
Saying that it's normal the OP gets little attention from her DH is saying that her relationship us doomed. I hope that it's no one' sides that the soap should just give up on her marriage because a young adult is behaving like a child

Thank you all, I really needed this.
We all have to share him for those 4 days, he has been working abroad for the last 3 years and we have another 7 months left like this.
I am getting fed up as I work full time, just like him and try to raise 7 year old at the same time.
When he is here I would like for him to spend some time with DD, not just DSD.
Trouble is that he never takes DD to bed as DSD always needs lifts somewhere (her friends house, party, club) 8-ish at night.
I get annoyed as she can make way back home at early hours in the morning (4, 5, 6 am) but conveniently can not get there at 8pm.
If we are out and about during the day(DSD sleeps till 2pm) we get the phone call saying that she needs to get some vital pieces of clothes, make up etc before 6pm and she wants to go just with DH. DH feels guilty and spends another hour with DW and DD then runs back to sort DSD needs. There is always some drama that only DH can sort out.

I never went shopping with my dad at the age of 19.
I can not understand this inability or refusal to do anything on her own.
DH is in a difficult situation as he is trying to please everyone, ionstead I am getting pi..ed off.

Surely he can be having one-to-one time with his dd2 during the many hours of the day when she is awake and his dd1 is not awake?

Are there practical alternatives to get her to where she wants to go in the evening?

She's perfectly capable of doing things of her own, she just doesn't want to! Next time you are out and about and one of these 'emergencies' comes up say to your DH 'tell you what love, why don't you stay here with DD (7) enjoy a bit of quality time and I'll go home and sort DSD out'. Go back home and help DSD with whatever the emergency is. I bet the emergency soon goes away!

It's a matter of training DH not DSD and reminding him that DD needs him too. It's not right that DSD gets to regularly demand time alone with him (wants to just go with DH) when he is home for such a short time.

Is it possible that, without being too cynical, dad represents a walking wallet and if you came along you might say no to spending the cash?

If DSD kicks off, then maybe it will bring underlying issues to a head and you can all talk about it as a family.

You could also say that if DSD wants time alone with DH then maybe she should get up earlier, not at 2pm ;-)

I do understand your frustrations. I can understand DSD wanting to spend time with dad in those 4 days but not so he's at her beck and call. Spending time and sending him to get things or drop her off to parties with friends are not the actions of someone wanting to spend time with dad.

If she knows he's going to automatically come to her beck and call instantly then unfortunately the situation isn't going to get better any time soon. The only way it will is if DH speaks up. He needs to tell her that while he loves having one on one with her - he also needs time with you all. He needs to try and learn to divide his time and be able to say no if needs be.

Boomeranggirl, I think you may have a point.
She never wants me to come along and always needs him. I'll definitely try and be of help to her and I am sure that she will somehow need less help...

The thing is, at the moment, it's an issue for 4 days band clearly a big issue as there are only 4 days.
But when he comes back in 7 months time, what is going to happen? Will she expect him to just drop everything off whenever she wants several times a week?
This needs to be tackled. Even if he spends a but if time during the day with his younger dd, why on earth would his dd not be allowed to be put in bed by her dad? Because an adult can't be bothered to make her way to a party. It's ridiculous.
Your DH really needs to realise his dd has grown up and she needs to be treated as a grown up.
Btw why us it that she didn't get a place at Uni the jar two years?

There's really not enough of your DH's family time to go round is there? So DSD is clinging on to try and ensure her share of it, which isn't great for you or younger DD.

Could he use Skype a bit when he's away to have a bit more regular contact - both with you and with her whilst he's away?

But I'd also be inclined to tackle him about the need for one to one time - at 19 I don't think that should be a regular requirement of their relationship. I'm sure I hardly ever had any one to one time with my dad at that age. My own DSC are younger, but none of them ever gets more than the very ocassional one to one time with their dad. (There are 4 of them, so it was always shared, even before I came along). I think DSD should be included in family life for much of the time, but not demand exclusive one to one time. Or rather if she does, your DH should say "no, I only get to see all my family for 4 days a fortnight, so let's do something all together"

Is she keen on the shopping trips because he'll spend money on her? Any chance he could get out of them by giving her some money to go shopping with? I guess she's maybe a bit lonely if her friends have gone off to Uni and she hasn't. Can you suggest any new hobbies or ways of meeting people for her?

What was their relationship like before he started working overseas?