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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

19 yr old DSD is stealing my husband's time and I am fed up

39 replies

Mummy1106 · 01/07/2014 16:19

DH and I have been together for 10 years and we have 7 yr old daughter together. He has two children from previous marriage, son 27 and daughter 19.
Stepson is independent while stepdaughter is not.
SS finished school 2 years ago and hasn't gone into UNI yet. She is working at her aunts shop whilst waiting to reapply for the 3rd time.

DH is working away and I only see him every second week for 4 days.
Day before his arrival SD comes and she stays for 4 days, which doesn't give us any time alone. She also demands lifts everywhere, shopping trips for just two of them etc and he is happy to oblige.
Whilst he is away she is independent but as soon as he is back she regresses to 13 year old girl.

I am getting fed up of all this and I was hoping that she would get into Uni this year and become more independent. I tried talking to DH about this, he feels that she doesn't see him much so she is missing him "and she is only 19". I resent all this and it feels like our daughter and I come second to SD needs.

I feel lost and not sure what to do any more. I tried gently hinting that she is too dependent on him and it may be time for her to grow up a bit and start looking after herself. His response is that she still needs him and he is there for her.

Am I vbeing unreasonable for feeling so much resentment?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummy1106 · 01/07/2014 19:47

Brilliant suggestions. Thank you

OP posts:

Petal02 · 02/07/2014 09:50

OP - I completely get where you're coming from; a 19 yr old girl should not need quite so much 1-2-1 Daddy Time.

Elizabeth120914 · 02/07/2014 09:58

I agree too I'd be feeling very miffed especially for your other child. At 19 I don't think I saw my father more than once a month for a couple of hours I was always busy doing something it's a bit unusual I would think to spend so much time ?? Fingers crossed she gets into uni this time and spreads her wings a bit.. !!

MummyA1984 · 02/07/2014 14:13

Next time she wants a lift say that's ok I'll take you it'll give dad a chance to put dd to bed x

rosepetalsoup · 02/07/2014 14:23

OMG this sounds awful.

Firstly I would either all sit down of get your DH to talk to her along the lines of that she needs to be a responsible adult now, that she is grown, and that she needs to set an example for her little sister. I'd say that she's been welcome to stay beyond the age one would expect her to leave but this has to be on the proviso that she is an adult in the house now, not a child. She should have an allowance and some driving lessons, if you can afford it.

Also really she should get a boyfriend to boss about soon if she wants a bloke to accompany her to parties etc!

Is the issue that you live in the countryside, away from everything, and she needs to drive everywhere (and then can't if it's a drinking party etc)?

Anyway, I'd be going much more down the route of if she's going to live there she needs to pay a small bit or rent and do some of the cooking and cleaning etc. I'd say this even if she was your blood daughter.

It's like she hasn't been properly oedipalised.

Where's the mum in all this? And why can't the daughter get into uni?

rosepetalsoup · 02/07/2014 14:23

or get your DH

rosepetalsoup · 02/07/2014 14:25

p.s. Now stepkids are grown up could you and little DD relocate to wherever his job is? Might give the 19 year old the final push she needs to grow up?

Trollsworth · 03/07/2014 09:44

Wow. I am so glad that my step mother is a reasonable woman who doesn't try to restrict us from seeing our dad, or give us a 'final push' to grow up by moving away so she can have him all to herself.

rosepetalsoup · 03/07/2014 10:00

As I said Trollsworth I'd say that even if she was the OPs blood daughter, nothing to do with step. When I was 19 I didn't even have a key to my parents' house!!

Trollsworth · 03/07/2014 10:07

That's actually really sad, rose.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/07/2014 10:09

Next time you are out and about and one of these 'emergencies' comes up say to your DH 'tell you what love, why don't you stay here with DD (7) enjoy a bit of quality time and I'll go home and sort DSD out'. Go back home and help DSD with whatever the emergency is. I bet the emergency soon goes away!

Boomeranggirl is a genius.

Petal02 · 03/07/2014 10:46

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the 19 yr old should be 'restricted' from seeing her father, just that an age-appropriate relationship should be encouraged. Its unusual for a 19 yr old girl to want 1-2-1 shopping trips with her Dad every weekend, at that age I wouldn't have dreamed taking my Dad shopping! And if these shopping trips stop the OP's DH from spending time with his wife and younger daughter, then that also needs to be looked at.

This is what seems to happen in step families - older teenagers and non-resident fathers can sometimes develop quite clingy relationships to the exclusion of other family members. We had a very similar situation: DH and 18 yr old DSS would walk down the street literally draped around each other, almost cuddle on the sofa, and if DH stopped at a petrol filling station, DSS would get out of the car to stand with his Dad while he filled up with petrol. Which was all a bit weird. DSS is now at Uni, and his relationship with his Dad is far more relaxed.

Step family dynamics are a bit strange!

TheMumsRush · 03/07/2014 12:02

Agree with a lot of posters saying she needs to be encouraged to be more independent, it doesn't matter if she's a stps child or not. It's about helping her to grow. If I wanted to go out, I wouldn't get a lift, not at 19. And I certainly didn't go shopping with my dad .

Happybeard · 06/07/2014 08:50

A lot of couples who have children together look forward to the time their kids grow up and don't need all that one on one time. People joke about it and talks out it all the time. Yet suggest that your step "child" should do this and you're selfish and wicked

In my opinion this young woman doesn't want special one on one time with her dad, if she did she wouldn't be sleeping in until 2pm. She is punishing him and making him pay for the time he misses when he's away. She's obviously too self involved to realise that he has three loved ones who all only have him for four days. I'm not surprised you are angry and I think your husband needs to set some rules here. If they planned at some stage over those four days something for just the two of them to do together that would be better, then you could plan around that and not feel he was just dropping you and your dd as soon as dsd calls.

I wonder if she'd be so keen on this special time if it was a coffee and a walk along the riverside with dad??

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