Teen dsc and immature dh, or how to let go of my frustration?

[Anormalfamily]

Please bear with me. I'm going to write how I feel and hopefully sms in similar situations will share their wisdom with me.
Dh and I are still in couples counseling (18 months) after I felt used and disrespected by him and dsc despite my utmost input into now 5 years together, 4 of them married. Have teen ds myself so do know about the usual ins and outs of that age group.
Our major obstacle has been dh lack of boundaries with his dc, being friend rather than parent. This may have started during first marriage, being firmly established by the time we met (2 years after).
While dss is still being babied at nearly 14, practically sitting on dh lap when we're all watching tv, for example, (I usually leave the room or say I'm busy because dss doesn't "share" his dad), whingeing constantly when dh does something with ds (very rare and ds will avoid closer contact with dh now when dsc are here, difficult now dss is here 50:50); dsd at 17 cannot get over her mini wife status and resorts to emotional blackmail if she feels her queen bee position is threatened in any way (by his wife of all people !?! ).
Our couple counselor advised having "adult time" before bed, no matter how short, to establish ground rules, I.e. Blended family of 2 adults, 3 kids. Ds accepted this immediately, dss begrudgingly, dsd refuses to recognize our "adult" status point blank and will huff and puff until dh puts me "to bed" and spends late nights watching films with her. It's made very clear no one else is welcome to join them...
As dsd doesn't visit as often as she used to (busy social life) dh is very inclined to spoil her on the rare occasions she makes an appearance (very unfair on resident and part- resident kids). Its obvious what's going to happen when dh is extra nice to me before she comes over, knowing full well how he intends to bow and scrape (sorry, anger issues at his duplicity). IMHO he's humiliating himself and me by association.
Flame me all you like,but last time it happened I felt like the wife who allowed her husband to cheat on her. I can't look at him for a few days and our sex life goes down the toilet. It's not helped by dsd being patronizing to me the day after... Btw, I do keep my cool around the kids at all times.

I've told dh that I'm no longer willing to work at being "blended", its obvious his kids only see me as an attachment that must be tolerated, but not respected. Were it not for our enmeshed finances re house we moved to in order for all kids to feel welcome, I would have left ages ago...
How do I save my sanity?

It sounds like he's attempting to overcompensate for his broken first marriage.

Have these issues got worse since you met him?

As it is it doesn't sound like a very functional home.

Hi weather,
For some years now I've had the suspicion that dh simply looked for someone to help him provide a better home for his kids, not because I'm the love of his life. We aren't rich but our combined incomes make daily life a lot easier (now that dh actually shares his funds fairly).
I'm always asking myself, is this what you do to someone you love? Do I do similar things myself? Can't think of a time I knowingly made dh miserable...
All our sessions can't make a difference of course if there never was a real concern on dhs part to make us both feel happy in our second marriage.

Sorry, didn't actually answer your questions.
Dh is trying to be less obvious about favoring his dc, and although he's willing to adjust parenting his ds, there is no room for negotiating his relationship with his dd.
Maybe because I'm a teacher I'm also more conscious of how badly his behavior is affecting his kids development. Dss is incredibly immature, has no friends (except dh) and dsd is very unhappy with boyfriends, no one measures up to dad, and has very unrealistic ideas of her future... Basically neither child is being asked to grow up. Maybe because dad never did?

Some people do baby their DCs. I can't stand it but I suppose I don't have to live with it.

I was just wondering if his style of parenting was apparent when you first got to know him?

Does your DS get along with them?

If he is just using you that must make you feel rubbish.

Does he understand how you feel?

Well, I was the one to insist on counseling and have aired my grievances. I think perhaps because counselor tends to put him straight on a lot of issues that he's not really listening, feels got at somehow (she's brilliant though and never makes him feel bad).
I thought he was compensating a lot when we met, but he always insisted we move in together ASAP so his dc could experience a proper family. Unfortunately as they grew up without much parental involvement (nannies etc) they couldn't care less about a homely atmosphere.
I think as far as dh and dsc are concerned they'd rather just all continue the life they obviously enjoyed when dh was single and catering to their every whim. Its probably too late to make a difference now, especially as dh does not lead by example

Ps
All the kids get on really well. Ds always wanted siblings and he's quite happy. Dss is especially happy to have another boy in his life and "share" ds friends.
Sorry, feel so defeated (and we've just had a little weekend holiday, just the two of us, so much for that).
I don't know what to do anymore, so I'm not doing anything.

If you've had 18 months of couple counselling and it isn't getting anywhere I think you know what the answer is . If despite the counselling your DH is prepared to 'put you to bed' and then go and watch a film with his daughter shows you where his priorities are. I am not saying he shouldn't have quality time with his DD but that is a very odd way of doing things.

Can you detach emotionally (I am not saying you should but it might be one option) - ie: just build your own social life, going out, hobbies, meeting new people etc etc.

I hear you loud and clear as I am in your situation, if not worse, as my dsc have gone one step further than yours and now point blank ignore me. Your dh is putting his children's needs above yours, and every decision he makes is made with them at the forefront of his mind. The fact they are jealous of you and resent you is very obvious.

Does your dh treat your teenager differently to his own? Please feel free to pm me as I'm finding it hard to speak to anyone who shares my frustrations

Is there some sort if disconnect going on with parents who split up do you think?

The nuclear family goes through those phases of feeding, nurturing, playing and preparing kids for adulthood.

Do you think it's possible to get stuck in some sort if time warp where the kids get older but the parent doesn't recognise that?

May sound particularly pompous, and because I'm deeply indebted to the winemakers of southern Italy at this point as dsc have just arrived.....

Can you ask DP if this is the way he wants his children to act as adults? Because that's what they very soon will be.

ragwort, I've often been the one to push for quality time for dh and his kids. But it's not supposed to encroach on our adult time, its simple really, but obviously so symbolic that dsd will have none of it.

marmite, sorry that you're worse off than me. And yes, he does treat my ds differently. He used to be dss enforcer, it was unbelievable. My ds is disproportionately generous and yet dh would try to force ds to hand over anything dss wanted. Or giving ds presents that actually dss wanted and would then have use of (god, I'd forgotten all this shit). This has improved, and as ds is now taller than dh, I guess it won't be happening again any time soon... Dh does the driving in our house and while giving lifts to dsd/dss are no problem at all, I'd have to beg to have ds shown the same courtesy (or me for that matter), even though car and maintenance are paid by us both. This still pisses me off. We've learned to do without.
Ps thanks for offer, will get back to that!

buzz you're probably right. I can't figure out how some of us continue being normal parents post divorce, and others' brains go haywire and are obsessed with being as awkward and/or obnoxious as possible. Go figure!

I don't think you sound pompous Buzz and have often wondered the same thing. One of my stepkids is now (allegedly) an adult and the other one almost so yet I still can't fathom out how old they'll be before DP expects them to take responsibility for their own actions in any meaningful way. Yet our much younger child (his youngest) is expected, as they get older, to face the consequences of what they say and do. It's very unfair, and boils my piss (to use a well worn MN phrase). I think it's not exactly about not recognising that non-res kids are getting older because they do get all the privileges that come with that (and often too soon IMO, which is another unfair thing) but about giving non-res kids the best of both worlds to keep them "on side" - i.e. all the benefits of being older, but none of the responsibility you'd normally expect kids at ever increasing ages to accept, because as we know responsibility isn't always desirable - sometimes it's boring, sometimes it's about being non-selfish and thinking of others, sometimes it's admitting you're wrong and making amends etc. And certainly, speaking from experience you apparently can't press a non-res kid to take that on because they can't ever be "upset" - in case bloody contact is affected. Notwithstanding the fact that ALL or at least most older teenagers start to drift away from their parents to an extent as they forge their own social lives. By "babyfying" them though I think some non-res parents hope to cling on to contact that bit longer - by making contact as attractive as possible and with the non-res kids knowing they'll be treated and spoilt, and never ticked off about anything. (Disclaimer: all this is mostly based on my own experience though I do know of other stepmums who've noticed similar).

cats I do believe that dh is actually looking forward to supporting his kids for all eternity simply to prove he's not a "deadbeat dad."
There is no way in hell that my ds would ever be allowed the same privilege, and that is where the resentment creeps in.
So what if dh is a bit eccentric, perhaps? A long as everybody is treated fairly I've no problem accepting different attitudes to child raising.
It's double standards that wreck relationships. Dh is v quick to protect his interests and his kids' privileges. The longer we are together the more apparent its becoming that there are two families, the having privileges and the not having privileges. Although it's not entirely about money, or now it's spent, it's more a particular brand of superiority doing the rounds...

You poor thing OP, nothing but support for you. I totally empathise with what you're going through. I have a similar thing in my relationship, however we do not live together permanently, so my dp's eow's/afternoons with his kids are at his place and that's just how I like it now. I spent three years trying to blend/build a relationship with kids that just don't want me around. It almost tore me apart, my dp still probably does not know how hard that has been for me. It still would be, as his parenting has not improved, his dc's behaviour still rude, ignorant, then ranging from babyish to downright hostile...... Nothing has changed, nothing, except me. I've totally detached (with the help of alot of self-help books!) and I so recommend not giving a shit, it really works. It's a bit harder in your own home though OP, but still you can detach and do your own thing, if there's two families developing again, work that to your advantage and use it to your benefit.

Just wondering about Disney type dads.
Is it men who were brought up in a 'traditional' type family themselves where the DF was not involved with DCs much. So the Disneydad thinks he is a superior DF as he has this wonderful, close (in his eyes) relationship with his DD - not realizing because he doesn't know, that the relationship is unhealthy.

Agree dozie, dh family, like mine, was very traditional, and his dad was away much, forging a career for himself (still can't really retire). Being the eldest ds, my dh became his dm partner, her confidant and little man about the house.
I did read some v good literature on covert incest (mums can ruin boys just as much as dads ruin daughters) and shared them with dh. While he and mil are quite up front about his role in her life, dh doesn't really get he's doing the same to his offspring, I.e. Ruining her future chances of a happy relationship.
Atm I'm pondering if/ how I will ever come to terms being the second fiddle. Yes, I signed up for a man with kids, but it was concealed that the place at his side was already taken. A feeling like you want to sit down on an empty chair that has been graciously offered and suddenly there's somebody there pushing you off them!

I've been in a similar position, OP - read your post with total recognition.

My DH and I went to counseling twice. The first didn't really help, and in hindsight I can see that we wasted a lot of time and money on it. The second round did help, mainly I think because the counselor was very direct and very focused on practical solutions and strategies instead of endless examination of our own childhoods/relationships with our own parents (as the first, thru Relate, had been).

It took a long time for the penny to drop with DH. Once he faced up to the fact that the boundaries he'd set with his kids (his extremely spousified DSD in particular) were not very healthy, for us, but more to the point (for him anyway) for DSD and her siblings ---- then and only then did things start to change in any productive way. We still have clashes, and still over the same sort of things you describe, but they are less frequent and more quickly resolved, and I feel that our marriage has a much better chance of survival than it used to.

In my DH's case, this dynamic preceded him becoming a single father. He'd been the passive parent/partner in his first marriage, and his first wife quite deliberately and consciously had chosen, and he followed, a parenting style which set the kids up as peers with the adults, and which didn't 'believe' in discipline or boundaries. I think the attempt by DH to 'compensate' for the loss of their mum exacerbated things, but a lot of it was already there, too. My DH's own childhood - and that of his own parents - was rather unusual, and he didn't really have any models for parenting. He's always just taken the path of least resistance. I sort of understand it, but it is very tough to deal with.

Do you think it's possible to get stuck in some sort if time warp where the kids get older but the parent doesn't recognise that?
Sorry for three posts in a row - but wanted to add that I absolutely think this happens! My DH had a way of parenting his kids at the age they were when he began to do it on his own - and then got stuck there. He has real trouble adapting his expectations of the kids to reflect their real needs/abilities.

Brdgrl, thanks for your input. The similarities are a bit scary really!
I'm pretty sure that dh first household was already split into camps before divorce, both turning to dsd for emotional support, dsd as BFF for dm and mini spouse for df. Dss was everybody's baby.
Unfortunately our counselor is already v hands on/ direct and v child centred. There have been so many examples cited where dh change of behaviour had such positive effects on dsd.
I fear that dh is not really serious about changing his behaviour. When I complain, his set answer is "I'm sorry you feel that way." And then he will go and do as he and dsd pleases... This girl has a lot of potential, but he's selfishly turning her into "Ja'mie, private school girl"

Shey, I wish I had had the sense not to move in with dh.
I had a perfectly good home (paid for), my own space, ds had a lovely room and plenty of room for dh staying over. BUT dh wanted to give up his poky flat and find a new place to start anew (and I suspect needed sb badly to help finance a posher place for his kids).
The romantic nonsense that clouded my judgment lifted once we were settled...
We do have a lovely home now, too, but I'm afraid I can't be fobbed off with material things, I need the emotional commitment or will go back to being lp. It was lonely, but I wasn't being used.

When I complain, his set answer is "I'm sorry you feel that way."
I would have his head on a plate. Ultimate PA response right there...

Do you think you could go back to living separately? Or are things so enmeshed now that it can only happen through a complete breakup?

Dh can be v PA, sometimes downright nasty. I always put it down to his being in a mood, overworked, stressed out etc. I do find excuses for his behaviour, like being got at by exw, emotionally blackmailed by his kids, the usual.
He has many good sides, can be caring and sweet and (cautiously) generous. I find it difficult to be 100% appreciative anymore, in that when he says or does something kind I immediate hear a voice in my head saying "you're only doing this because you want xyz/ random accusation".
I've been disappointed so many times I doubt his sincerity too often...
I have the means to "buy him out" and he knows this, probably why he will always try to ingratiate himself again after a "faux pas."
I'm sick if living this way, but our kids call each other brother and sister and I know I've got a deeper relationship with dss (poor boy rather needs me and ds to balance out his sis being star of the family). I'd feel a total shit for having them disappointed at another marital failure. My time limit is another 2 years tops if nothing changes (ds going to uni).
Until then I'm hoping for a miracle/ thicker skin/ the realization that I've completely and totally unfairly misjudged my dh and that I'm in fact a b*tch from hell. Whatever comes first...

Uh-huh. I stayed through the worst of it mainly because 1, the logistics of leaving were overwhelming, and 2, I was worried about DSS, just like you say, he needed me for 'balance'.

Can you really do another two years? If so, can you spend that time 'in limbo', knowing that you have a time limit?

Im sorry YOU feel that way he isn't taking any responsibility- it's a cop out.

He doesn't give two shits about you.

There is always a way to sort your finances out.

Leave your flogging a dead horse. No joy after counciling? He is using you to create a fantasy family home for his dc , not you or yours.

Life's to short and it's not fair on your own kid FFS !

What's going to change in two years? You will still have visits of dsc. They are not going to magically disappear.

I think your putting your dh and his kids, one if which doesn't give a shit about you, before your own ds and your happiness.

Why?