Teen dsc and immature dh, or how to let go of my frustration?

[Anormalfamily]

Please bear with me. I'm going to write how I feel and hopefully sms in similar situations will share their wisdom with me.
Dh and I are still in couples counseling (18 months) after I felt used and disrespected by him and dsc despite my utmost input into now 5 years together, 4 of them married. Have teen ds myself so do know about the usual ins and outs of that age group.
Our major obstacle has been dh lack of boundaries with his dc, being friend rather than parent. This may have started during first marriage, being firmly established by the time we met (2 years after).
While dss is still being babied at nearly 14, practically sitting on dh lap when we're all watching tv, for example, (I usually leave the room or say I'm busy because dss doesn't "share" his dad), whingeing constantly when dh does something with ds (very rare and ds will avoid closer contact with dh now when dsc are here, difficult now dss is here 50:50); dsd at 17 cannot get over her mini wife status and resorts to emotional blackmail if she feels her queen bee position is threatened in any way (by his wife of all people !?! ).
Our couple counselor advised having "adult time" before bed, no matter how short, to establish ground rules, I.e. Blended family of 2 adults, 3 kids. Ds accepted this immediately, dss begrudgingly, dsd refuses to recognize our "adult" status point blank and will huff and puff until dh puts me "to bed" and spends late nights watching films with her. It's made very clear no one else is welcome to join them...
As dsd doesn't visit as often as she used to (busy social life) dh is very inclined to spoil her on the rare occasions she makes an appearance (very unfair on resident and part- resident kids). Its obvious what's going to happen when dh is extra nice to me before she comes over, knowing full well how he intends to bow and scrape (sorry, anger issues at his duplicity). IMHO he's humiliating himself and me by association.
Flame me all you like,but last time it happened I felt like the wife who allowed her husband to cheat on her. I can't look at him for a few days and our sex life goes down the toilet. It's not helped by dsd being patronizing to me the day after... Btw, I do keep my cool around the kids at all times.

I've told dh that I'm no longer willing to work at being "blended", its obvious his kids only see me as an attachment that must be tolerated, but not respected. Were it not for our enmeshed finances re house we moved to in order for all kids to feel welcome, I would have left ages ago...
How do I save my sanity?

Softly, are you the voice in my head now spelling it out for me?
Seriously though, you've worded it quite succinctly and I appreciate it. Sometimes I feel too much and am afraid that my feelings are wrong, or feel too ashamed to admit I've been taken for a ride. It gets confusing sometimes...
Dh is the responsible type and probably hasn't got over "leaving his family" (Not for me). He just doesn't feel responsible for me or my ds welfare.
He does do "special" things, but that's the problem, I'm expected to do all and sundry for dsc and not call attention to myself, but things dh does for me and mine deserves skywriting.
What has really struck a chord is your wording of "fantasy family". Many of dh friends and family literally pushed me to the wall to make it absolutely clear that I was this wonderful person who would finally give the kids the home they deserved (meaning motherly love). I never intended to replace their mum and would have been happy to just be accepted and respected. End of.
Brdgrl, its def not going to be easy should push come to shove and I ask dh to leave. However, I waited until ds attended nursery before leaving his dad so that he'd have his own new experiences to deal with. Ds thinks life is fine and tbh the kids really like each other. I can wait until uni comes up, too.
Thank you everybody for your input. With the situation clearly framed in my mind it will be easier to broach the subject with dh and not get sidetracked or made feel guilty. Xx

Hi op I think the nice things he does are in a way a kind of good will gesture or 'payment' to keep you happy. As if he was genuinely wanting to make you happy, he would listen to you and come up with a solution that's fair on everybody.

Honestly I don't know how you cope having to put up with being 2nd best when dsd is around. The only thing I can liken it to is when I first moved n with dp and when mil was here - she had to be dp ''first girl'. She once asked him who had the slimmest legs , me or her? Then stood at the side of me so he could compare! Dp didn't know where to look and then said her! It's laughable now, but at the time it was just bloody weird. We had a arm wrestle over dp and I won. Dp shares a bed with me, I'm his lover. He put me first.

I think ultimately your dh putting his dd first is certain situations eg, not enforcing her to let you have your own time when every one else has to abide by that, is invalidating your role as matriarch or motherly rle in the whole house hold. I just couldn't do it fir my own sanity.

I think it would be different if dds was a small child, but she is not. She is aware of what she is doing. Dh is aware of what they are both doing and your supposed to just take it on the chin and wait for a little treat or something special of him.

I thnk he does just enough to keep you there.

What would be a shitter - if you woke up one day ten years down the line, nothing has changed and you think "fuck, what have I done, why did I do that" because then it will be so engrained it will be the norm. You would have spent a decade in quiet seething resentment.

Life's too short love x

Thanks softly, once again spot on.
Once I stopped being angry and had a good think (this afternoon, a week after the event...), I came up with exactly your opinion: if he cared about me he'd make damn sure I was included in the equation.
I've always felt that (as a mother) you're only as happy as your unhappiest child. This can easily be applied to adult relationships. How can I be happy doing sth I know is peeing my partner off? Especially when I've been warned by an expert third party that this would indeed jeopardize my relationship?
Thankfully dh has been working away for the last few days so that I've not had to see a hangdog look to guilt me into submission.
But we are having another counseling session tomorrow and would like to call it quits for more sessions then. No more accepting lip service!

Ha ha

You know all this in your head anyway.

Also don't minimise this as 'peeing' you off, it's hurting you. There is a difference.

I agree on the councillor.

What about if you book a weekend away with each other. Tell him your just about at the end of the line. Give him six months to implement the required action. Set a date.

It will give him an idea you mean buisness even though he already knows how you feel

And it will also give you a time frame to focus on and see if he puts his arse in to gear - which he will if he respects and loves you.

If he can't manage it six months he isn't ever gonna change things.

Six months from now is January . New year, new you?

Perfect! Sounds sensible without being a doormat.
Btw, wrote dh1 a letter explaining my feelings and he bucked up for 6 months. Wrote him another letter (he didn't do talking) and it lasted maybe 4 weeks. I then filed for divorce. Thanks for reminding me I'm not an idiot.
We actually had a weekend away the next day and though I was civil to him and gave him a chance to make it up to me, he chose to pretend nothing had happened... I was too angry and hurt to address it then and risk sounding demented.

you can put up with another two years with this man?

Sounds like things are at crisis point. Two more years is going to be hell.

No, I meant the 6 months time frame sounded just right.
Agreed, 2 years would be hell. Don't know what I was thinking earlier...
I'm a people pleaser, I've got to remember I'm not doing anyone any favors by being a martyr.