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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Father's Day large rant warning..!!

32 replies

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 15:34

I'm quite prepared im going to get shot down in flames but I'm raging and need to get it out..

Following on from previous post .. step daughter and ex who have ignored us for 5 weeks left us waiting to collect her all weekend and ignored all texts and access we got phoned this morning...

MIL has waded in over the last week and been vile it's everyone's fault but hers we should have bribed her to come done this and that- MIL never has her it's too tiring for her won't even help out when I had bad morning sickness/ oh working it goes on and on.

Yesterday she threatened to disown oh if he didn't go round and demand acess etc. so is has caused nothing but stress and misery in this house for the past 5 weeks and for months before as daughter has been vile while she's been here won't talk won't interact with anyone typical teenage stuff..

Today I had a nice day out planned and got oh some bits to try and make the day nice. His ex phones this morning she's decided that there's been a miss understanding and we need to collect daughter and have her all weekend every week from now on!! We have always done this but it's been very nice having a few days alone off work..

I'm sorry but i went mad cue another horrible day in this house and now all weekend every week as nothing's been resolved angry teenager who doesn't want to come oh at work and me dealing with it 7 months pregnant and guess what MIL can't have her or help! He doesn't entertain her when she's here it's all on me he just expects her to entertain herself and doesn't notice being at me the whole time about being entertained or taken home is what she soes..

We wanted acess but surely this isn't fair to pick and drop and ignore??! I'm fuming how dare she treat us like this! MIL has bought me tickets for a show next weekend for me to take her too (oh working) I want to kill her not be nice how do u get past these feelings obviously it's not so hard for OH and maybe it's hormones but I've absolutely had enough of the lot and now I've got MIL coming for tea to listen to nothing but her skewered crap about all this all evening!!!

Oh yes and I have to cook them a meal oh joy!!

OP posts:

sanfairyanne · 15/06/2014 15:44

how did you ever get yourself into the situation of having to amuse/entertain/feed stepdaughter while her dad does nothing? just stop!

TheMumsRush · 15/06/2014 16:46

I'd just go out and leave dp to parent his daughter

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 16:55

I don't know how I did it evolved overtime! It's not much better when he's here than if he isn't.

When she didn't want to come OHs mother came storming round and had the cheek to say she doesn't come because we do nothing with her!! Every weekend I bake, cook with her and have taken her to my horse with me. She means won't spend money on Alton towers type days out and make her change out of the push up bra and full face of make up she arrives in (just 11).

Don't want to see any of them they are arseholes. Kids mum is too rough for benefits street and kids the same we aren't posh by any means but decent manners and dress are normal in this house..

It's been nice (yes I'm evil step mother) to be just me and oh for 4 weekends in the past 2 years the last few weeks and the thought of starting it again makes me want to cry..

If I don't entertain her she just follows me round the house and I really don't want to at 7 months pregnant have to go out all weekend and avoid my own home..

It's a pointless rant but I've so had enough of the whole situation. Just spent an hour sorting out dinner for bloody MIL who I'm fuming with while oh is all happy as step daughter now wishes to grace is with her presence again arggghhhhhh!!!

I use to like and get on with her but getting past all this is going to be really hard she's sent us to hell and back the last few weeks and it's all supposed to be just fine. Oh and she needs a new school uniform which is £200 apparently wonder if she will disappear once it's bought?!!

OP posts:

AuditAngel · 15/06/2014 17:01

Does DH pay maintenance for her? If so, is that supposed to cover clothes as well?

I know nothing about maintenance, but I have heard similar questions previously.

Rideronthestorm · 15/06/2014 17:02

What a horrible situation you are in. Don't buy the uniform - let her mother get it. You are being used by your whole family and it's time to out your foot down and put you and the baby first.

It's not your job to parent DSD. If DH doesn't want to then MiL or her mother can.

fedupbutfine · 15/06/2014 17:10

so....has your dh actually tried to see her over the last few weeks? or has he just left a difficult situation hanging because it was easier rather than face it?

Does she get to see her friends when she's with you? does she have access to all the usual teenage 'stuff' when with you? Could you perhaps have her invite a friend round so she's entertaining whilst you get on with what you want to do? She's old enough to be left alone with minimal guidance for a few hours.

And whilst I appreciate it's hard when pregnant, it's not your MILs responsibility to care for her grand-daughter any more than it's yours to care for your step-daughter because you're pregnant. You really need to be looking at your husband here - what does he say? will he talk about it? is he accepting no care responsibiilty for this daughter? It sounds very frustrating for you.

I'm sorry but i went mad cue another horrible day in this house - if I'm reading this right, you went mad on Father's Day when there had been no access between father and daughter for 5 weeks? It really wasn't going to go down well, was it?! Has she apologised at all for past behaviour? I would personally be looking for some kind of apology and then a public 'moving on' and 'putting the past behind us'. You can't hold this against her - she's 11, not an adult.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 17:11

They just all seem happy to dump the cow on us. She will be annoyingly nice for a weekend get the money and the game will start again..

Just told OH I'm buying myself a pink lining changing bag to cheer myself up feeling low about figure etc he says I'd be better spending it on a Pilates machine his mates selling and not eating to make myself feel better. He doesn't realise what an insensitive pig he is but I'm ready to smash something and leave and bloody MIL hasn't even arrived yet.. Oh and he's drinking my bloody wine obviously can't drink it now but it's adding to the rage!!

OP posts:

MrsCakesPremonition · 15/06/2014 17:15

I would walk away. Just go somewhere quiet and leave them to it. Do you have any friends or family who would like a visit this afternoon?

Rideronthestorm · 15/06/2014 17:19

Yes, go out and find a café and have a nice cake and a cup of hot choc.

sanfairyanne · 15/06/2014 17:24

your (big) problem is with your dh not your 11 year old step daughter
direct your anger accordingly

superdupershopper · 15/06/2014 17:29

"They jut all seem happy to dump the cow on us"

You're talking about an 11 year old? :( That's really sad. He mum is obviously a cow and seems to like playing games with her emotions and manipulating her into thinking and saying what she wants her to. She's not a cow, she's a confused and probably angry, hormonal 11 yr old.

Twistiesandshout · 15/06/2014 17:33

Your dh sounds awful, sorry. I feel sorry for his daughter :( if it were me I would be asking dh to change a few key things (parenting sd, insensitive comments etc).

Take a step back, calm down then address it all tomorrow when sd is not there. He needs to change his behaviour.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 17:38

I'm angry I don't mean I treat her in anyway like she's a cow but teen agers are far from easy especially when they aren't yours and have no boundaries. There isn't words for the ex I'm just raging and have had enough.. A couple of months ago said child was laughing when I was in floods of tears over an argument with oh she doesn't help herself either!

He's for it I'm raging when everyone's gone some random mates turned up now all he has to do is Hoover before MIL comes at 6 and guess what...!!!

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 15/06/2014 17:39

I think the problem may be your dh, why does he not do something with his daughter? At 11 my dd would still make things, play frisbee, play at an older kids park, walks, bike rides, paint, bake etc. what has he done with her this weekend?

Why are you doing it all? Feet up, let him cook, clean and entertain. Is this your first child together?

sanfairyanne · 15/06/2014 17:43

'she laughed while you were in floods of tears over an argument with dh'

again, i really think it is almost a case of 'kick the cat' where anger is passed down not back where it belongs. your dh upset you. floods of tears. what is he doing to make you feel loved and happy?

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 17:56

We had a row like people do I'm affraid I'd have never laughed at someone's misery at that age she is accountable to a degree for her own behaviour I'm sure children haven't changed that much? I'd have been mortified if someone was upset as would my niece of a similar age ..

He should I 100% agree as should MIL access was so important till we had it back...!

Thanks for all replies I appreciate it just need to let off steam!

OP posts:

Rideronthestorm · 15/06/2014 17:59

11 year old girls can be total cows, it's daft to say they can't. I know, I was one and I could be a little bitch at times.

sanfairyanne · 15/06/2014 18:08

she probably is being a cow. i dont really blame her
she is fobbed off on her step mum every weekend and used as a pawn by parents
meanwhile she has to watch her dad reduce her stepmum to floods of tears, when he is around, and hint at needing money for school uniform (put up to it by mum)
plus she is about to be usurped by a new baby
enough to make anyone behave badly at that age

just get your dh to step up a bit

LEMmingaround · 15/06/2014 18:19

She is 11 so not a teenager yet so if she is being a "cow" now then just wait a few years for her hormones to kick in and add to the fact that her dad is having a child with another woman who resents her and he can't even make his access arrangements work so that he spends time with her. Then you'll have fun and games.

The adults in this childs life need to step up and make her feel like someone gives a shit about her

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 19:04

Her mum has 10 kids between her and the boyfriend and yea I agree the adults do being her mother, father and grandparents not me!

She doesn't know I resent it at all it's just got too much for me this weekend and I've had enough. It's quite miserable being evil step mother who washes, cooks, cleans and looks after someone who is very ungrateful I don't want a medal just some help and atleast now I know I'm not going mad words will be had..

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 15/06/2014 19:15

Trust me -she knows full well you resent her. Don't you feel sorry for her? And you are included in the "adults in her life"list. By choice - unless he sprung a child on you out of the blue. You chose to be a step mother. If you didn't want the job you could have walked away. Poor girl must have no self esteem.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 19:54

I do feel very sorry for her which is why I do entertain her give her riding lessons and have her when her dads at work. Yes I am involved but not solely responsible. I'm not saying I'm blameless but maybe I wouldn't feel so frustrated if everyone took a turn and she comes to see her dad not me!!

Everyone's points of view are appreciated as when ur in the middle of something it's hard to see the rest of it.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 15/06/2014 19:55

I would save the name calling and blame for her parents. They both sound shit. You are just letting your shit husband get away with being a lazy waste of space.

LEMmingaround · 15/06/2014 19:59

It does sound like you are being put upon. It doesn't seem like your dh takes his parental responsibility very seriously. I hope he improves with the new baby. I wonder if you might actually feel closer to her when the baby comes as there is a blood bond between them . Try and involve her as much as you can. Give her responsibility and she may well thrive. I know its hard but she is only acting out for attention.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/06/2014 20:10

It's just assumed that il do it he thinks having her here is enough and I haven't ever complained about so it's partly my fault. She always wants to be with me rather than oh too which doesn't help.

Had a chat with MIL tonight she's going to have her the day oh is working next weekend she hasn't had her since last year they are going out for a meal so that will be nice.

I think it's the thought of being on my own straight after all the rubbish theres been and having to pick her up from the ex whose been so awkward I don't want to be the one who has that conversation - maybe wimpy..

Have to see what happens and if things settled down a bit soon

OP posts:

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