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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and his divorce

102 replies

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:06

Ok so DP is finally filing for divorce after 5 yrs of separation which I am delighted about it all but I am annoyed she wants to keep his surname.

I know it's not really a big deal and she says she wants to have the same name as the kids.

I don't even know why but it really really bothers me. The only connection I want DP to have (and he wants) is the kids.

I know it's a bit selfish of me but is it normal to feel like this?!

OP posts:

moonfacebaby · 05/06/2014 20:19

God, I'm getting rid of my married name as soon as my divorce is through - I cannot bear the thought of keeping the adulterous, lying shitbags name for any longer than I have to.

Mind you, I double barrelled mine so it won't be drastically different & my kids will have a similar name too.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 05/06/2014 20:23

My married name is now my name - it is what everyone I have met in the last 13 years knows me as. My passport, driving license, bank stuff, car ownership, insurance, phone, sky, etc etc etc are all in that name. The schools, my work colleagues, my children's friends parents etc etc all know me as that name. My children have grown up with their dad, me and them having the same surname so this is their 'normal'.

I have not been my maiden name for a long time, that is no longer a part of my current identity - I am, and will remain, Mrs xxxxx, because that is who I am.

It really is sod all to do with you what someone else calls themselves tbh - it does not affect your life one bit so should occupy none of your time or headspace.

If you're that bothered, perhaps you can persuade your partner to change his surname to something different?
He probably won't though, due to the list I gave in my first paragraph.

hesterton · 05/06/2014 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterflyspring · 05/06/2014 20:29

why should a woman change her name back to her maiden name and then have a different name to their children?

I kept his name when we split - well it is mine now, and has been for nearly 20 years, and it is of course my children's name too. Knowing the OW is furious about it makes me rather pleased actually. Especially as he won't marry her.

slithytove · 05/06/2014 20:31

I think it's quite appalling you feel this way actually.

It's nothing to do with you what her name is, especially if you are expecting her to change it (money and shitloads of effort) and have a different name to her kids (shitloads of hassle).

Do you have an opinion on what she should do with her wedding ring too?

Incidentally, would your DH be ok with their kids having their name changed to his ex's maiden name?

slithytove · 05/06/2014 20:33

I mean, surely she isn't the only one. Do you have a mil? Does DH have a brother? Any wife of his would be Mrs XXX too.

I'm currently one of three in the same family, I've never thought twice about it.

But, imagine this.. If you get married, you will always be the second mrs xxx. Regardless of what the ex wife is now called.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 05/06/2014 20:38

He doesn't own the name, it's her surname too, why should she change it?

Admiraltea · 05/06/2014 20:40

All of my professional life is known by married name, since early 90's!!! Tried for 6 months to revert to maiden name and never recognised it when spoken to at work..."is that me?" scenario.

Have changed a bit but though like my maiden name don't have any positive relationship with my dad so which man's name would you tell me I have to have?

I have the name that I recognise after many years as mine. It is my "stage name" but I have none that is just mine.

Also I do not get queried taking my children on holiday as we all have the same surname. I see it as the new chapter that will make that surname a different and new interpretation.

If current partner wants it...welcome...make it your own..same as Grace Jones, Tom Jones and Catherine Zeta- Jones

mineofuselessinformation · 05/06/2014 20:40

Sorry, going to be a bit unsympathetic here....
I was know as Mrs XH for over twenty years. It's the same surname my children have. Why should I have to go through all of the trouble of changing my name?
If the OW married him, takes his surname and doesn't like the fact that I still have it too, that's her issue to deal with, not mine.
I appreciate that's not your situation, but hope you can see my point.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 05/06/2014 20:42

Why doesn't he change his surname to yours?

Admiraltea · 05/06/2014 20:51

Quite an interesting point here though...on marriage he gave a name!

Only thing that on face value is worth no money but is the one thing given I still keep...and has significant value to my day to day ease of living and to change (as have children) would create work.

And he can't take it back!

CountryGal13 · 05/06/2014 20:54

I think your getting a hard time op. I understand some of the points being raised but I'm still thankful that my husband's exw has reverted back to her maiden name.

Admiraltea · 05/06/2014 20:54

Think I need to head over to the feminism thread...why does a man's surname hold so much value!

Eg why instead of Johnson could someone not be Annedaughter?

slithytove · 05/06/2014 20:59

It's not a mans surname. It's her surname that she shares with her children.

And surely feminism is all about choice. Presumably, she chose to change her name, and is choosing to keep it now.

I don't think OP is getting a hard time at all, considering her opinion is actually kind of offensive. It's like she wants to wipe out their relationship history.

Admiraltea · 05/06/2014 21:05

slithytove thanks..was getting a bit sidetracked ...I love that I have our "family" name and my children love that our names are all the same.

Admiraltea · 05/06/2014 21:08

OFGS our children...doing spectacular fail posts...happily divorced all amicable.

balenciaga · 05/06/2014 21:17

Well I wanted to wipe out my relationship history with my ex. The only good thing to come of it was my ds and he was a bloody miracle considering I couldn't stand the twat in the last few years of being with him

Dh says same about his ex tbh

slithytove · 05/06/2014 21:22

Yeah, so keep or change, people should do what works for them. As opposed to trying to please their ex husbands new partner

balenciaga · 05/06/2014 21:27

Yeah I get you slithy that's true whatever works for the individual

ForeskinHyena · 05/06/2014 21:39

Another one who still has ex's name, albeit double barrelled with mine, as it's just too much hassle to change it. I've changed on Facebook and on anything new (waitrose card etc) that isn't too official I use my maiden name. Everything official I'm now Ms Mine-His.

May or may not change it all after the divorce is final, whenever the fuck that actually happens, but for now, my DCs like that we all share a name and fortunately if we both change back to un married names the DCs will still share both names.

I have absolutely no interest in my ex, have a wonderful DP (whose own DCs have his surname not his ex-GF's) and he doesn't mind me having my ex's name as it's a nice name and it's who I am, it's who I was when he met me.

allthingspossible · 05/06/2014 21:41

Oh dear, this is so much more than just a surname evidently. I wonder if you are really prepared for the trials of family blending with children you have / will have with your partner/ new spouse and step-parenting his children with her, as you you cannot wipe his former family and all that entails out of the main picture. I fear that children both sides will suffer as a consequence of the behaviour of the adults involved.

doziedoozie · 06/06/2014 07:55

I was a second wife and remember having a night out with 2 other second wives, by chance. Fortunately none of the first wives appeared through the door as they probably would have had their eyes dug out by a spanner, absolute hatred, sheer jealousy really. Can't justify it, ridiculous in fact, but the emotions were there.
More to do with self esteem issues on our part I think. But over time the feelings fade thank goodness. Though I'm still surprised at how strong the feelings were, strange.
Though there weren't any self help books or MN around much in those days so nowhere to get advice.

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 08:55

I think you are upset about other issues, perhaps with good reason, and this is just a symbolic one. Don't let it bother you or even give it a moment's thought. It's not uncommon, and doesn't have to indicate anything unusual or troubling. I can see why she'd keep it.

I don't feel any less married to my DH or less a part of the family because I don't share the same last name - and the reverse - sharing a name doesn't make one married or part of a family.

HobinRood · 06/06/2014 09:00

Putting a different spin on it - and would be interesting what others think of this one. When DSD's mum had her little boy (different dad to DSD) she wanted to give him DH's surname so he and DSD would share the same.

To be honest, I didn't bat an eyelid when DSD told me but DH didn't like it at all. I can't imagine what his dad said about it all either - well he must have put his foot down because he did end up with the same surname as his dad.

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 09:06

Hobin, but had the ex kept the name? So that really what she wanted was to give the second child what was now her name, too? Or did she have her original maiden name and DSD a different one from her?

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