Things that's just irritate me

[TheMumsRush]

I'll start:-
The way H speaks to his ex, it's so grovelling. He has no problem speaking to me like shit
The constant eating on access weekends, my god dsd doesn't stop eating! She's 7, she will eat crap in-between meals then have a know adult portion at meal time

Whilst I understand that kids can be irritating whether they are your own or not, it seems mean to be making such a huge issue out of stuff that is basically just children being children. Having fussy eaters etc is really just bad luck; I don't think it is much to do with being a super parent. Kids eating McDonalds is really not that shocking either. I think it's a bit odd to need to moan about such minor things. If you were complaining that your step children were rude then I might understand that, although I guess they might say how hard it is to have to adapt to two different homes, half sibling relationships and two separated parents?

It's all my dsc have ever know so no adapting needed. It's just venting, better here than in RL. It helps sometimes times to know that the things that irritate are just normal kid things and are not intended

Food issues in our house too. Very very limited diet and they cry if served something different, different can be a different kind of food (like runner beans instead of the usual peas) or even just a different make (like tesco cheese curls instead of quavers). After the crying they will spit it out on to their plates and heave etc. if we try to get them to eat more (10 and 8).

Battled it for 2 years (with DP support) and tried to expand their food tastes, but DS is now copying them now, so to try and avoid it I go against all my principles and feed them the rubbish they like, week in week out, its the same thing, even down to the exact same cake. Probably very weak of us to give in, but we only have them for 24 hours a week and we would rather not spend a portion of that battling with food.

I hate how they wind DS up, to the point that he explodes, then its him that gets in to trouble from DP. However, I know this is very normal sibling behaviour and I keep my maternal instincts in check and take a deep breath and count to 10.

Ahhh that's better . I can go back to being a nice step mother now.

My DSD isn't happy unless she's the centre if attention. She made a big fuss of only wanting cold water with ice at our DDs birthday party, any other time she'd have had juice like everyone else. She was also a nightmare at our wedding. There's only one photo when she isn't scowling in a corner as we were the centre if attention.

As soon as I found out I was having our first dc she suddenly hated me because I started pulling her up on the way she spoke to DH, she spoke to him like dirt and no way was I letting our DCs copy.

Its not a case of being mean to our DSC, if they were our own we would have an influence, or at least, more of an influence in their behaviour. As it is, we don't.

It doesn't matter how many times I tell my DSC to eat properly, the fact is, their mother doesn't, and they don't when with her, so it falls on deaf ears. If they were mine, it would have been instilled from a young age.

Being a step parent is hard and its nice to have a rant now and then!

I don't think we're being mean.

I love my step kids to bits, most of the irritating things aren't there fault it's their mums or dps.

I think having somewhere to vent is important for everyone, I love my dsds, but when you suddenly have to coparent a child (particularly if they live with you ft or even 50/50) who you haven't raised it is hard because they may not have been raised with your ideals and ways of doing things, for you helping with tidying up may be important but they may not have had to do that before living with you. You then have to either put up with the differences or encourage them to do things how you and dp agree is best in your home.

I feel I have every right to criticise dsd 3s mum btw considering dsd was moved to live with us due to being abused. Other mums may not have done this but I'm sure there are some out there who for whatever reason do not take them to the dentist or fulfill other responsibilities.

We're lucky there's no eating issues and all 3 dsds have been brought up by both sides to eat well, try different foods and help out with food preparation and the clearing up after.

Overall I'm very lucky to have 3 lovely dsds who welcomed me into the family straight away, are always happy to see me, we all get on as a family, for the most part there's no issues with bad behaviour and they are very helpful and rarely rude intentionally. But I still feel that when I do have problems they are legitimate and I can express them here if I wish to!

I wondered how long it would take for the flaming from the wicked step mother brigade, too.

We're only venting here so we can go back to putting up with this with a smile in rl.

My ds's aren't angels. They are untidy, sometimes sulky (especially if they can't get their Minecraft fix) and my youngest has asd and can get a bit over emotional. When their dad starts dating again, I daresay this may annoy the living shit out of their sm. The petty issues that irritate me are because Dsd's upbringing with her Dm is very different to how we would like to be bringing her up.

My kids have had the "eat it or go hungry" line since they were toddlers. They've also been brought up to be well mannered and mindful of others. They are not spoiled and don't get any attention for bad behaviour. Dsd hasn't been raised that way and it grates on me a little when she gets special treatment because of her behaviour. It doesn't mean I don't like her. She's a lovely, bright, friendly girl and I'm happy to be part of her life.

I just vent because I can't really change anything, yet we have her almost half of the time so it causes minor problems.

My dsd asks to be carried to bed and gets it

She is 16

(AIBU?!?)

I'm allowed to cook and clean for them though...

I'm not a step mother so fine if anyone wants to slate me. But I wonder if the fact that the DSM probably does all the cooking cleaning etc therefore makes it possible for the DH to be a Disney Dad. If the Disney Dad actually had to plan the weekend food, wash sheets, make beds, cook all meals would he be so keen to be Disney Dad. Would he have time to be a Disney Dad.

Just wondering if there is enabling going on. But can see if the DSM doesn't help with this then the DH is possibly busy for several days preparing for DCs visit, which means less time with DSM. But I would be seriously unhappy at wearing myself out with the housework required for several extra DCs EOW (esp as it seems to usually be unappreciated).

Dozie in my case I wouldn't say my dp is a disney Dad BUT he is simply lazy with the house work.

Week after week I do most of the cleaning for him and dsd 3 who lives with us but it gets on my nerves the most when it's a weekend when dsd 1 and 2 are coming to visit and I have to clean and tidy everywhere to make it presentable for them to come (especially as his Mum brings them over to ours). He will do anything to get out of doing more than the bare minimum (last time he did 75% of the washing up and moved a chest of draws he'd brought over from a friends into the correct place, while I tidied dsds room, cleaned the rest of the kitchen, the bathroom, did 3 loads of washing and hoovered and tidied the living room. I have to do this as he just wouldn't care if it was done if it was down to him, he just isn't that sort of person.

I would be less inclined to do it if dsd 2 wasn't an utter clean freak as she comes over and starts tidying things for us if we leave a mess! I feel awful when that happens as it's just not fair on an 11 year old to have come over and tidy up after us.

I think this is what annoys me most about being with a person with or without kids, that he doesn't care if the place is tidy as long as it's not filthy, so he doesn't do it and feels he is doing it for me rather than for the family which in a way is true as I'm the one who wants it done. Unfortunately, I must simply continue to give him lists and rotas, and nag, or decide it's not worth it and leave. I love him to bits and he's amazing in almost every other way so I stick with it and vent and moan about having to do it all instead. I think the pressured tidy so his kids can come over makes it worse though- despite me loving spending time with them, because it's for his kids I want him to help me more.

However Dozie I do think that might be a good point for some families. I think most of the time parents are only keen for their kids to do things like helping with house stuff because they don't want to have to do everything, as well as to help the child learn and grow up, and a lot of Dads who only have them at weekends want them to have a break and a holiday at weekends, which isn't fair on step parents if the parent won't do all the stuff instead.

Dozie much as I agree with you the difficulty is that I have dc of my own and to refuse to cook and clean for the dsc while doing it for my kids would be impractical and mean.
I have threatened to do it in the past though and I detach in other ways by doing just the very bare minimum for the dsc but you are bang on - I enable Disney dad by taking on the mundane drudgery for him.

Yes, of course, if you have DCs of your own you can't just do stuff for them. I was thinking of DSM who don't have their own DCs.

Lots of good points dozie.
I think those of us with own dc should still take heed and make it work for us too.
I've tried to find a balance of chores ever since being totally pissed off with dh, who for 2 years running would bring his dc over for dinner twice a week (me doing all the shopping and cooking) and then bringing them back home to their mother. Not just the work, the snidey comments and/or being ignored by dc who felt overly loyal to mum (wasn't ow, but treated as if), but also total lack of together time (whirlwind romance, I was totally cut out of his "family time"). God, I was stupid!!!
Now, we get all main grocery shopping together, have designated days for making dinner, have a cleaning lady in on a regular basis, all kids do own laundry and each parent is responsible for enforcing house rules (very basic, "clean up after yourself" type).
Am writing this literally with my feet up
Go for it ladies!

DSD is currently lying on the sofa moaning loudly that as DS has a playdate today I need to do something 'special' with her. I have DS, his friend, and two younger children to look after and it's chucking it down. DSD has said 'it's not fair' upwards of 50 times now and is getting louder...gonna be a looooong day.

Unfortunately dp's dc are extremely rude and the middle one controlling and angry, though he has no reason to be. Everyone is doing everything they can to put them all first. Dp is afraid to discipline them, because he is told, I hate it here, I want to go home. I wish he could be stronger with them. :(

My dc's are full of love for everyone, their own dd and my dp. That to me is my greatest victory in life. I guide, I push, I praise, I discipline. My biggest heartbreak (which I have now detached from) used to be that dsc reject me and my dc. I have had to adjust my reasonable expectations down a couple of hundred notches to make peace with it. Dsc cannot carry a plate to the sink, nor make their own drinks, thank-you's, hello's and goodbye's do not come naturally to them...... If I hug/kiss them (on a special occasion) mostly they pull away. My dc at that age help me with chores voluntarily, manners come naturally and at the same age can make a meal for themselves and their siblings if I am busy.

That's why I question is it an act? Is it the Disney-parent that enables? Or are they treated like this by their dm at home, as if the world revolves around them and coached to reject the non-resident parent? I'm not quite sure, probably a combination of the both, but it is horrible.

I wonder if the dSCs are so awful at home. Perhaps they are normal, but take the opportunity to be horrid maybe because they can, as DF doesn't discipline, or because they can because it gives them a feeling of power which the separation has left them feeling bereft of. Just surmising. (thinking of step families within my family).

My biggest bug bare

dp collects his dc's Fri eve goes straight to pound land, they each get a big 1 litre bottle of pepsie EACH and a family bag of sweets each.

The older one had all her baby teeth removed at 5 as they where rotten, he hasn't learnt!

oh and don't get me started on almost 12 yo dsd still having babies bottle at bedtime and almost 9 yo dss still has a dummy!

Ginge, I don't think I could cope with that! That's just sooooo wrong! How can a parent do that!

Iv taken a step back now, let him get on with it, at first it wasn't good as my children would look on and say to to me where is ours, now there used to it, luckily I hav kids that prefer fruit to sweets.
I hav to laugh though when on a Fri nite mine r all settled in bed in a timely manner and his are bouncing off ceilings at 12pm and he don't get why!

*12am

yep yep yep - I'm so living all of this here guys.... cant be a$$ed with the strain between hubby and I about SS so I tell him just to buy the sugary crap and that when diabetes crops up he can deal with it all. we actually went to a market last night and told SS (13YO) to go get himself something to eat (packed him off with cash to do so) when he didn't arrive back for some time we went looking. he was at the pizza stall. fine - no problem. the problem was he wasn't standing in line... hence he had not been served. then he couldn't actually make out where the line was.... we pointed this out to him and then went off to get own food. came back to find him just standing randomly in the crowd - they didn't do Hawaiian pizza so he didn't get one and didn't know what to do.... ummm GO FIND SOME FOOD!!! FFS!!!! I believe this is because Lord SS has had everything done for him, told how to do everything (up until I came along no please/thankyou/sorry/excuse me was required) and all he had to do up until the age of 12 was sit at table and breakfast would just 'appear' in front of him until I turned around and said - excuse me - time he started to do this for himself???? Its pathetic. He is a lazy rude disrespectful spoilt brat. But - he is also a product of his upbringing as there have never been consequences in life (until evil SM came along!), he has always had everything served up to him and done for him (until evil SM came along!). So I ignore the brat and everything to do with him now. Though I still struggle with the fact that hubby can find it in his heart to be an absolute nasty c&^% to me, yet he panders to, worries about what the BM will say/do, and expects me to just also bend over while straps on a big one! This I struggle with doing quietly lol.... any advice?????