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Original poster

Calling DSD's bluff. Finally.

31 replies

BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 09:39

DP has finally snapped with DSD, age 16.

She has an exam tomorrow and has done no revision for at least the last four days, last night she agreed to be in at 10 because she was at a party the night before and promised to get up early today to study.

11 o clock came and went, then 12. She knew she was in trouble so let herself into her dad's house for the night. He won't say boo to her so its a safe refuge.

DP told her she can stay there, packed up her make up 'trunk' and her school books and took them round this morning and to get her house keys back.

DSD has been a real handful recently, I'm sure her sense of entitlement and the world owing her a favour is not uncommon, but her attitude towards her siblings and people in general is horrible. She just doesnt seem to have a nice word in her, and is just not a pleasant person to be around.

As usual she's going to think Dad will bail his little princess out of trouble. It'll be interesting to see if his attitude towards her changes when DP fills him in on the few months she's been staying with us full time and why DP's had enough.

DP's not happy about having to do this, she's not a hard kind of person, but she is relieved that she's not going to have to deal with the constant battles with DSD now. There will no doubt be tears when DSD realises that this is for real and she can't wriggle her way out of it this time.

Has anyone else had to do this? Did it make a difference in the long run? Did the relationship ever heal?

I've been trying to referee things, hard when DSD point blank refuses to accept anyone can have a different view from hers. I feel slightly guilty about the sense of peace there is in the house now. We had a lovely weekend with DSS, it was his birthday and he was so pleased with his presents and his party, and so grateful. Hard to believe he is related to his big sister.

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DrankSangriaInThePark · 26/05/2014 09:43

DP is her Mum, is that right? You are the step dad? And the dd went to her dad's?

Poor kid.

You sound awful.

TheMumsRush · 26/05/2014 09:43

My sister did the exact same thing, and although it was very hard for her it helped their relationship in the end. She to was sick of the constant battles, and the disruption on the other kids.

Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 09:57

Drank.... That's very judgemental?

I've avoided the prolonged background, the screaming, the swearing, the everything I don't want to look back on.

We've had her full time instead of week on, week off since February so she's had a stable home to get ready for her exams, it was her choice, and we have tried very hard to give her space to do her own thing but still manage to have some sort of say over what happens in our own house.

Shagging her b/f while we were downstairs watching tv was the low point, and we just haven't been able to recover from that moment.

OP posts:
TheMumsRush · 26/05/2014 09:58

She has two parents drank, why shouldn't she live with her dad for a while. Op, ignore unhelpful posters

DrankSangriaInThePark · 26/05/2014 10:00

That's very judgemental.

Said the pot to the kettle.

I wouldn't blame her for wanting to live with her Dad for a nanosecond. Given the almost tangible loathing from her step-father.

Squeegle · 26/05/2014 10:03

I think Drank is being a bit judgmental too. Frankly when my own children are behaving badly, I would be delighted if their dad took them off my hands for a bit. Not even my stepchild! And teens can be so difficult, it's like a battleground in many homes. Have a bit of empathy eh?

Sorry, don't have any advice; although my general understanding from parents with teens is they do come out of it eventually, a bit of separation does cool the flames a bit in the meantime.

Apparently their brains are literally growing faster than a toddler's during puberty. It really does result in self centredness and anger.

Good luck OP

ResponsibleAdult · 26/05/2014 10:04

Buzz, you are having a miserable time, poor you, and the family. DSD is being unreasonable. No doubt your DP had enough after many, many, many problems, don't be hard on yourself, keep communication open, share the gritty reality with DPXH. Let him deal with it for a change

Kaluki · 26/05/2014 10:08

She sounds a lot like me as a teenager Smile I was angry and rebellious and knew everything!!
I got shipped off to my dads when my mum couldnt handle me and my dad just let me get on with it and I went crazy for a time then I missed having boundaries and structure and so enrolled at college and went back to mums with a better attitude!!!
I think your DP has done the right thing - be supportive and be prepared to wipe the slate clean and start again if (when) she does come back.
Good luck!

Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 10:12

Not loathing, Just disappointed reflection that we havent been able to get her to see she does need to show people the tiniest of courtesies every now and then. Friends, family and strangers.

Day after day, night after night for weeks on end she's been a handful, even after calling us fing cnts we kept plugging away but she hasn't really changed her attitude, language or behaviour from that.

And she chose to go, DP has just agreed.

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Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 10:19

Kaluki, thanks.

Yeah she reminds me of my sister's teen years too! My mum and dad stood by her come what may.

We have rolled with the punches so many times, sat down with her after and explained why what happened wasn't acceptable and the impact she's had on other people and she's just got on and done it time and time again.

I feel sad it's come to this, but in a sort of good way she's made the choice for DP so it's not a heat of the moment decision to regret later.

OP posts:
alita7 · 26/05/2014 11:39

I think breather space is a good idea. There will always be people who think you're kicking her out and that's bad but she has another parent to go to.
Quite frankly she needs to learn not to be so rude to people and she needs to gain some maturity if she thinks snagging her boyfriend in your house is something she is old enough to do. She's Ignoring her exams and she will suffer for it, maybe then she will learn.

doziedoozie · 26/05/2014 11:51

Well a lot of this sounds normalish in a rebelling teenager, doesn't mean you have to stand idly by, setting rules and trying to get her to follow them is sensible, which is what you are doing (great that you are getting a break from it all), but I feel uncomfortable when parents speak as if their child is the child from hell and no one else has had it so bad. I think it must be harder for a step parent because you aren't a parent and for divorced parents as you have conflicting boundaries.

But often the child, a couple of years down the line, turns into a normal, considerate adult. So don't write her off or make irreversible decisions or say things that you could regret. It might be fine in the end.

Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 14:51

Dozie, you're quite right.

We haven't told her she's not welcome, or that we're throwing her out, she has chosen to go and we've agreed that for the time being that's for the best for all of us.

There's been no shouting or arguing.

What we'd like her to do is have a think over the last cpl of weeks at least and for her to decide where she thinks she may have overstepped the mark, understand what that might have been like for us and try to explain why she did it. If she can do that then maybe she can stop it happening in the future.

We're already on the apologetic texts, she says she doesn't know why she does it. But apologising after the event is really too late and she needs to understand that.

Still our job to explain this isn't a punishment like she was a child, this is a direct result of her behaviour.

Hopeful it won't last, she has so much potential she's wasting at the moment. But we won't be the first to say that about a son or daughter, step or otherwise!

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 26/05/2014 15:16

You sound like you have it sussed. I'm sure she doesn't know why she does it (nor does anyone else!). Being reasonable and firm sounds like you are doing the best in the situation. Fingers crossed things improve.

Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 15:22

It's only having this small amount of time and space between us that has let us stop firefighting and take a step back, so that's been a positive.

Unfortunately her dad is now saying she can't stay at his tonight as he has plans to stay over at his g/friends.

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Petrasmumma · 26/05/2014 15:28

OP, you have my sympathy. Teens can be horrible, no matter what you do and it sounds as though you are trying to be reasonable.

Ratbagcatbag · 26/05/2014 15:28

We had dss aged 15 stay with us for around 6 weeks full time as it wax getting unbearable with him and his mum. He thought he'd get a bit easier time here. Yeah right. He's now back to 50/50 split and much better for the boundaries being reinforced.

Dsd needs to make alternative arrangements then if he's out tonight.

Petrasmumma · 26/05/2014 15:29

Tough. The dad needs to put his daughter first.

Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 15:53

Petra, you'd have thought eh?

But that's part of the problem. Dad compensates for doing whatever he wants by letting the kids do the same, so much easier.

Which is why we had her full time in the run up to the exams, because he didnt think he could get her to study.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 26/05/2014 16:39

Buzz I'm going the same thing with my ds who's 12
Calling me a cunt and a whore and sometimes being physically violent with me

Came to a head last Sunday when I told him if he thought that was acceptable he could live with his dad. So he called his dad who picked him up and he's been there since

I had a week of my ex being nasty to me saying I'd chucked him out, I didn't he could have chosen to change his behaviour, and my ds thinking he'd won.
So I've backed off, the honeymoon phase at his dads is coming to an end I think, as my ex is niw having to do some parenting

It's hard, it's upsetting and I feel guilty for enjoying the calm and peaceful house with ds2, but I am enjoying having a break from it every day

ILoveCoreyHaim · 26/05/2014 16:47

DP is her Mum, is that right? You are the step dad? And the dd went to her dad'

Does it matter?

Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 16:51

Dolly, thanks.

I'm just very grateful this didnt start at 12!

I am feeling a little guilty, even for including the word 'finally' in the thread title, but was just so relieved this morning.

Now the pressure is on from DPs ex to have her back tonight, and because he's away with work, for the rest of the week. I think she's quite capable of looking after herself at 16, so I think she can stay at her dad's by herself for 3 nights, but don't want to give her the idea we don't care about her.

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Original poster
BuzzLightbulb · 26/05/2014 16:56

ILCH - yes it does matter that she was supposed to be home, didnt turn up, sent stroppy texts then stopped answering her phone and had her mum up til 2.30 worrying about her.

But no, it doesn't matter if she goes to her dads, and she's been dropping by whenever she likes since she started staying here full time.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 26/05/2014 17:08

Buzz I think sometimes it's necessary to make a stand about the behaviour. My ex is now being really nice to me, as perhaps he's now seeing how difficult ds1 can be

Feels horrible though

Petrasmumma · 26/05/2014 17:48

Oh dear Buzz. Been there, done that. Maybe use the time she's away to formulate a plan for when she returns? A meeting where you all sit down together plus father might work - the three adults tell her together how she can't run between 2 families when it suits her....etc

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