Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Any full time step mums out there?

27 replies

Tappergirl · 25/05/2014 00:04

Just wondering, as most on here seem to be EOW or part time. Looking for some support cos I am a FT SM and find it a challenge, to put it lightly.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

olivesnutsandcheese · 25/05/2014 08:42

Me!
DSS lives full time with us. I'm a SAHM to both him and toddler DS.

What age are the DC and what are you finding challenging (in particular - it can all be hard!)

Original poster

Tappergirl · 25/05/2014 10:30

DSD 18 and DSS 16. Ages may hint at why I find it a challenge ;-) how old is your DSS?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 25/05/2014 11:49

Is your DP (your DSCs father) supportive and taking a strong role in parenting?

Just wondering if that is why you are finding it to be a challenge....

Peacesword · 25/05/2014 16:20

Me but I am in the very lucky position of no longer being with her Dad, so I am figuring it all out and winging it on my own! My dp is a massive help as he has grown up children and has been through this age.

What are you finding hard?

brdgrl · 25/05/2014 18:24

You already know I am, tappergirl!
14-16 was awful with DSD. 16-17 is a worse age with DSS (they do say boys mature more slowly generally so maybe its comparable).
I think you and I have a lot of the same problems as other parents of teenagers. But maybe aren't able (for variety of reasons) to respond in the same way. And as someone once said to me, we don't have the memory of when they were sweet little babies to soothe us when they do something totally outrageous!

DishesSkivvy · 25/05/2014 18:35

Me too. DSS is nearly 17 and DSD is nearly 15. It is tough and not helped at all by a very fraught relationship between DH and his ex (they split up when DSD was barely 3mnths old)

proudbi · 25/05/2014 18:59

I have a DSD 15 and 4dc of my own full time. Also my dp is in labour right now.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 25/05/2014 20:23

peace I find it hard cos they came to live with us as teenagers with already views on things. I haven't been able to bond with them, because, as brdgrl* says, I don't have anything in common with them, other than the fact that they are DH's kids and I love him. Space is an issue, I need my space, and don't get much of it unless I retreat to the bedroom. Somebody else mentioned this on a recent thread. I now do not feel like my house is my own, and it grieves me to feel like an outsider. I am counting down the weeks until SD goes to Uni, please get the grades!

OP posts:

peppersquint · 25/05/2014 21:14

Tappergirl - I was a full time Stepmum to four teenagers - two girls, two boys. Aged from 12 to 18. It is hard but can be very rewarding. I don't want to rain on your parade but even when they go to university they come back, and go, and come back etc... There is no age when it stops really - except perhaps when they get their own house, partner and families. Not trying to make you feel bad, but it is a long haul and you need to accept that now otherwise you will be disappointed and resentful later. It gets better and your DC will feel the benefit of having older siblings - my DD loves her brothers and sisters and I wouldn't change anything, though it was hard going at the time. I was 26 years old and a SM to four teenagers - mad the things you do isn't it?!

Original poster

Tappergirl · 25/05/2014 22:32

pepper I do not have children of my own. I have been married 5 years, just turned 50, and just told my husband I am divorcing him, because he has become a different person since we took on the chidren. That was 1.5 years ago. He has turned into a right shit, and we have been together 10 years. We fight every other day and it is purely over his kids. He does not support me and my feelings, so now I am beginning to hate him. The fact is I want to throttle him!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tappergirl · 25/05/2014 23:59

Going to sleep now, night girls

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 26/05/2014 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 26/05/2014 00:29

NatashaBee, people often say that "being a mother is the hardest job in the world." Being a full-time stepmother is harder!

NatashaBee · 26/05/2014 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wundawoman · 26/05/2014 02:29

I have been ft stepmum to my dss since he was 3; he's now 24. It's been challenging, especially teenage years, but my own dd (now 18) is not exactly a walk in the park either!!

I think being stepmum full time, to get no break, is a huge commitment. I feel my role is certainly taken for granted, and I often just felt like an unpaid housekeeper/child minder. Maybe that says more about my marriage than my role as mother, I don't know...

When I married dh I had no idea what I was taking on. I get on very well with dss and I do call him my son, but in hindsight, I don't know if I would take it on, and would never, ever expect anyone to take that role on...it's way too much responsibility and the birth parents should take on the main role as parent and be proactive IMO.

andsmile · 26/05/2014 02:39

oh night then OP

Original poster

Tappergirl · 26/05/2014 08:48

I think the battle is more with DH than the step kids. Sometimes I feel like there are 3 kids here rather than 2. I am mentally worn out by trying to maintain the status quo in this household. However I am always the bad guy and it makes for a miserable existence. How I wish I could turn back time.

OP posts:

alita7 · 26/05/2014 11:49

I am ft step mum to dsd 3 and eow to dsd 1 and 2.

Dsd 3 is lovely and in our situation we just share all aspects of parenting 50/50 and she says I do the stuff a mum does so I'm her step mum :p

She's 10 but due to learning disabilities she's more like a 6 year old, this can make her easier in that she has been 100% accepting of me as her step mum and sees it as a gender role, she is also easier in other ways but she can have big tantrums and we have problems whenever anyone asks her to so something she doesn't want to, most of the time it's just a question of why do I have to, but sometimes it escalates. However, dp is fine with me disciplining as is dsd (as much as anyone else) so we get by fine.

It can be hard when I just want a break and I can't because she needs me especially if dp is busy or out. And because she can be quite full on and in your face If you don't successfully manage to give her something to do while you are busy. But it just seems like every day life now and I treat her as my own and she treats me like a mum in all the good and bad ways :p (from lovely hugs to 'why haven't you done x for me??? on the odd occasion I forget :p) so really I'm lucky to have gained a daughter :)

alita7 · 26/05/2014 11:51

I agree my battle is more dp than the kids.

And it's all about house work. He just cannot bring himself to help me prepare for the older girls coming eow and I end up getting pissed of that I'm doing his share of stuff for him and dsd -.-

Original poster

Tappergirl · 26/05/2014 13:13

Great BH. Not talking, his daughter hogging the lounge watching tv but revising for exams, raining. Cat wait to go back to work......

OP posts:

peppersquint · 26/05/2014 17:56

Tapper - have you ever lived with children though? I don't mean that to be patronising but you say you have no DC of your own - do you think you are finding the adjustment challenging because of that. I can't imagine having lived independently for years (again I may be presuming - so sorry if I am) and then in my late 40s becoming a stepmum - I think that is very hard. I would find that near impossible to adjust to.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 26/05/2014 19:14

Pepper, well no, for obvious reasons, apart from having the SCs live with us for a while when they were much younger, and come on holiday with us about 4 times over the past 10 years. I have lived with my DH over 9 years so they have always been part of my life during this time. I realise now that it is my DH who is causing all of the stress, and I feel like my life and home is invaded on a daily basis with no marital support, as he treats his kids like friends, and doesn't appreciate what i have sacrificed in order to accommodate his kids when they had nowhere else to go. Sounds harsh without further explanation, I know, but the truth is he makes the situation much by avoiding certain issues. I am currently looking at my options, and one of those is to get the hell out of here and leave them to it. We had a great relationship, now it is all in tatters, and I am mourning what we had, but he sticks his head in the sand where we are concerned.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tappergirl · 26/05/2014 19:20

"situation much worse by avoiding certain issues". I have just gone for a drive to get out of the house. SD monopolising the only communal area we have, H on his PC playing a game, and SS on his Xbox in his room, talking too loudly on it, and his room is below our bedroom which is the only place I can retreat to. What with half term now, i feel I am going to have the week from hell. The office will feel like a haven.

OP posts:

DharmaBumpkin · 27/05/2014 12:48

Me... Have had DSD(9) for nearly four years now. It's hard, but like others it's not DSD who is the problem. It's the adult dynamics that become so so complicated!

Original poster

Tappergirl · 27/05/2014 21:24

Agree dharma!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2