16yr old DSD and boyfriend AIBU?

[BuzzLightbulb]

OK, so last night after DSD had spent day with b/friend of a few weeks, they came home, got fed dinner and disappeared up to her room as usual.

After ten, there's a very repetitive squeaking coming through the floor. B/friend turned 16 last week so alarm bells immediately ringing.

DP tries to phone her daughter as a tactful way of mentioning we could hear whateve they were up to. Phone is off, which as you all know is technically impossible for a teenage girl!

So, foot of the stairs and a shout of 'what are you doing, it's very noisey'. Reply 'We're watching a dvd'.

Cpl minutes of quiet and then it starts again. DP is not sure what on earth to do, neither am I they're both 16 after all.

But it's our house and we're at home and we agree we shouldn't feel uncomfortable in our own home. So it's a knock on the door and time for boyfriend to go home. It s 10.30, we do have to get up in the morning.

There's a bit of a conversation about the noise and what they were up to, and they do normally clump about a fair bit, but the excuse changes to she was trying to get her phone back off him at which point the S E X word gets mentioned and it's not happening when we're in the house.

B/friend is saying nothing, gets his shoes on and leaves.

DSD goes absolutely mental. Apparently we're horrible, I'm not her father so how dare I speak to her, we don't make boyfriend welcome, she's 16 she can do what she wants, it's her house as much as it is ours. Actually called us a couple of cnuts, in amongst the sprinkling of F words.

DSD stormed out the house and went to a friends.

DP and I both agree that while we'd rather it wasn't happening that it's better it happens in the home and not anywhere else. But we don't want it rammed down our throats.

Plus dsd's younger brother and sister will be staying with us from tonight and we don't want them being exposed to that kind of activity.

What would you do?

We don't have a problem with the b/f, other than we don't know him. He doesn't speak to us, he's verging on rude the way he doesn't thank us for dinner, his arrival and departure at the house planned with military precision so he can make it from the door to her room without being intercepted with a 'hello'. Since the first day he came round he has done everything you would expect a teenage boy not to do if he wanted to get on with the parents of his new gilfriend.

Call me old fashioned but personally I wouldn't allow boy/girl friends in the bedroom. I don't care if they do get up to it behind the bike shed (or wherever like we used to ) - I just don't see why parents have to make it so 'easy' these days for their children to have sex at home.

My DS is a teenager and I have no hesitation in setting very strict boundaries - he might 'hate' me for it but I believe in tough love.

To be honest your DSD's boyfriend sounds very rude - he doesn't speak to you and seems to only want to visit your DSD in her bedroom - would you and your partner entertain guests like that? He is also sounding disrespectful to your DSD which is not how a young woman should be treated and to think that is 'normal' behaviour in loving relationships.

We have a 'no boys in bedrooms rule'. I suspect that it would be very difficult for you to instigate one OP now things have got this far.

Take away her door, she can earn it back. Although speaking to me like that would mean a massive grounding with the end dependant on future behaviour.

That's something we talked about this morning, hard to roll back the rules but we're going for it.

We're also going to sit b/friend down and explain what our house rules are, I don't think he has many at home, last f five kids, second marriage, pretty much parented by cash handouts and left to it.

This is about respect rather than them having sex. Thy arent respecting you and DSD is actually being abusive. Is that normal behaviour from her? What are the consequences for her speaking to you like that?

The sex wouldnt bother me as long as they respected that nobody else need or wants to hear it and that protection is used at all times.

This did make me laugh "We don't have a problem with the b/f, other than we don't know him. He doesn't speak to us, he's verging on rude the way he doesn't thank us for dinner, his arrival and departure at the house planned with military precision so he can make it from the door to her room without being intercepted with a 'hello'. Since the first day he came round he has done everything you would expect a teenage boy not to do if he wanted to get on with the parents of his new gilfriend."

I agree with Ragwort. Modern thinking seems to be that it's better for youngsters to be doing it somewhere safe than down a dark alley but I can't get my head around "letting" them do it where you know full well what they're up to and can even hear them.

My Dc are still (just) at the age where everything sex related is a bit yucky. I'm really hoping to get my head sorted before that changes.

ATM, I agree, bit bf/gf in bedrooms but then where are they going to end up....? I certainly wouldn't allow him (or any friend whatever the sex) in the bedroom without first being introduced to him.

At least you have a few days to decide the rules going forward - presumably she's grounded for the way she spoke to you, so won't be having sex anywhere.

She will be having sex, lots of it, at any place she can find and is likely not to be being very careful.

They waited until they were 16, in their eyes they have the absolute moral high ground!

Yes the boyfriend needs to be polite and mannerly to his hosts. Doesnt matter that he isnt there to see you, he is using your house to meet his girlfriend in and he should have the decency to say hello and goodbye before kicking his pants off!

They waited until they were 16, in their eyes they have the absolute moral high ground!

We dont know this. All we know is that OP became aware of them having sex just recently.

nocomet DSD was not justified in shouting at OP like that.

Nocomet - did I say embarrassed?

I think uncomfortable was the word I used. I'm entitled to feel uncomfortable with her behaviour and even more so with a boy who's a guest in my house.

And just for info, DSD has suggested her and boyfriend sit down and discuss what happened with us. But you think it wiser not to let him know we're unhappy with his behaviour in case we embarrass him?

Afraid I can't really sign up to this style of parenting, or lack of it. Call me old fashioned but I do believe some of my job as an adult is to provide some kind of steer.

Not really a reason to name call though?

In sorry but since when has it been considered immature to finding it embarrassing hearing your child / step child having sex upstairs ?! I find it odd that you wouldn't even be the slightest bit uncomfortable ? nocomet

Well I'd be uncomfortable hearing anyone else having sex in my house tbh!

I think as it is your house you have the right to not allow sex under your roof!
I was off sleeping with my boyfriend at 14, but I have never ever, even as an adult, taken a boyfriend to my bedroom in my parents house, until they allowed myself , dp and dsd to sleep in it at Christmas. We definitely didn't have sex in it though, it's disrespectful if you know their views on it.

If she wants to have sex she can but saying not in your home, or not when you're in the house is completely reasonable.

Tell her that a mature person would either do it quietly enough that you do not notice or if caught, would apologise and talk about the boyfriend feeling unwelcome thing on a separate occasion.

Because I could hear my parents all my life and they no doubt could hear, my now, DH and me.

My 16y doesn't have a boyfriend, but when the time comes I intend to behave in a respectful and adult manner and leave them alone.

If I have any doubts as to the boyfriends suitability. I will discuss them with her in private at an appropriate time.

I think you're dsd is right to suggest you all sit down and talk. You need to explain your views to her, at least she is willing to do this.

I should add my parents weren't noisy, our bungalow had paper thin walls.

Also I was brought up to believe sex was natural and, as long as you were careful, fun!

It's not something I have ever found embarrassing.

i would be having a door open policy and no sex under my roof. id be uncomfortable too what an awful thing to hear.

Nocomet i can only say your attitudes are way to liberal for me.

See, I agree with you kind of Nocomet. I agree sex is natural and fun but I would add with someone you love.

I know that's unfashionable view and it's supposed to be good to have as much as possible (as consenting adults) with as many people as possible but I feel strongly that people who have a lot with lots of different people are rarely happy people. So, whilst I agree that it's normal etc I wouldn't want my child to grow up thinking it's normal in all circumstances.

I think it's fair enough if those are your attitudes Nocomet- but I think a child should be going with what her parents feel is appropriate under their roof- the child should be respectful even if they don't agree with their views.

My ds1 is nearly 23 and I would just about let him and his gf sleep in the same room.
They have been together for 4 years and I'm happy about it now.
They mostly sleep at her parents house whichis fine as they have no younger impressionable dc.
A bf/gf of a few weeks would not be in a bedroom in my house either OP.
I think too many people forget they are the parents and are in control of what their dc do, they tend to get them to 16 and then give up on the old parenting I find them disgusting cunts tbh.

DP and DSD have now had a heart to heart and DSD has apologised for the way she reacted and the language. Interestingly, dosy b/f has said he agrees with our reaction and they did the wrong thing so some brownie points for him there.

Despite my personal doubts that every girl in her school is hopping into bed with a boy as soon as they turn 16 she claims that in her close circle of friends they all are.

We have an upstairs sitting room they can use for some privacy away from us, they'll just have to accept it also has through traffic and competition for the TV, but that means we can rule the bedroom out and offer a compromise. Or actually just the way it's going to be.

Interested to know whether you feel the horse has bolted on the sex front, or whether we can still try and have the conversation about the relationship growing into one of 'mutual love and respect' (choose your own term for not purely sexual)?

The fact that it's so close to his 16th birthday makes me feel there was pressure there, not just a timely coincidence they wanted to express their devotion to each other in a physical form ! My qstn to DSD will be if he buggers off in a week or two will she still feel she made the right decision?

Last b/f break up was traumatic. I don't think she's as emotionally mature as she seems to think, and I'm concerned how she'll cope if this does go belly up now they've already broken 'the final tabboo'.

I'm not a fan of the notion that just because kids will do something anyway, we should cast aside any rules or restrictions on it.

I slept with my steady BF at 16 (not in my or his parents' house), and have no regrets, because I am very lucky and he was an absolute angel and I can only hope my DD's first time is with someone as lovely as he was.

But that doesn't mean I am going to be ok with them openly going at it in her bedroom while I am sat downstairs. Especially if there are younger children in the home. It isn't about sex being shameful. It is about sex being private, and about adults having privileges in their own home that children do not.

I think that it is unlikely you can prevent them from having sex, although that doesn't mean a good talk isn't in order, but you can and should insist on your house rules being followed. Now they know.

It does seem rude of your dsd b/f to not get to know you, with regard's to them having sex the horse does seem to have bolted. Which is the better option they have sex in various places or you have the talk with them and suggest them having protection when doing the deed. Also as you can hear them when they are currently doing the deed would it be better to get your dsd a new bed that will not make any noises?

Argan.

New bed? Errr no.

I'm going to be all victorian about this and it is now a house rule they don't do it here. End of.

And he's not going into her room either. Or helping himself to a shower cos he didn't have one at the gym, or hanging on the doorbell when the house is in darkness because we'd gone to bed just because he'd left 'some stuff', or emptying packets of chicken down his throat out of our fridge for a 'snack'.

He is going to be welcome in our house, and once he's passed his entrance exam, and slowly bit by bit he may become a member of the family.

If he sticks around.

But he'll have to do right by her to earn that privilege.

Ooh I sound like my dad !!