16yr old DSD and boyfriend AIBU?

[BuzzLightbulb]

OK, so last night after DSD had spent day with b/friend of a few weeks, they came home, got fed dinner and disappeared up to her room as usual.

After ten, there's a very repetitive squeaking coming through the floor. B/friend turned 16 last week so alarm bells immediately ringing.

DP tries to phone her daughter as a tactful way of mentioning we could hear whateve they were up to. Phone is off, which as you all know is technically impossible for a teenage girl!

So, foot of the stairs and a shout of 'what are you doing, it's very noisey'. Reply 'We're watching a dvd'.

Cpl minutes of quiet and then it starts again. DP is not sure what on earth to do, neither am I they're both 16 after all.

But it's our house and we're at home and we agree we shouldn't feel uncomfortable in our own home. So it's a knock on the door and time for boyfriend to go home. It s 10.30, we do have to get up in the morning.

There's a bit of a conversation about the noise and what they were up to, and they do normally clump about a fair bit, but the excuse changes to she was trying to get her phone back off him at which point the S E X word gets mentioned and it's not happening when we're in the house.

B/friend is saying nothing, gets his shoes on and leaves.

DSD goes absolutely mental. Apparently we're horrible, I'm not her father so how dare I speak to her, we don't make boyfriend welcome, she's 16 she can do what she wants, it's her house as much as it is ours. Actually called us a couple of cnuts, in amongst the sprinkling of F words.

DSD stormed out the house and went to a friends.

DP and I both agree that while we'd rather it wasn't happening that it's better it happens in the home and not anywhere else. But we don't want it rammed down our throats.

Plus dsd's younger brother and sister will be staying with us from tonight and we don't want them being exposed to that kind of activity.

What would you do?

We don't have a problem with the b/f, other than we don't know him. He doesn't speak to us, he's verging on rude the way he doesn't thank us for dinner, his arrival and departure at the house planned with military precision so he can make it from the door to her room without being intercepted with a 'hello'. Since the first day he came round he has done everything you would expect a teenage boy not to do if he wanted to get on with the parents of his new gilfriend.

Which is the better option they have sex in various places or you have the talk with them and suggest them having protection when doing the deed.
You can certainly do both - talk to them about safe sex, and let them know you aren't OK with it happening.

Also as you can hear them when they are currently doing the deed would it be better to get your dsd a new bed that will not make any noises?
Oh yes, because that's the perfect message to send the juveniles living under your roof...having sex? Here's a comfy new bed! Enjoy!

Why is it better it happens in the home than anywhere else? You mean slightly more respectable than shagging in the park? .

Actually I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 and that was with DH, but we did get engaged after six weeks (Before his parents had even met me, because they lived at the far end of the country).

Parents having a liberal and sensible view of sex does not necessarily encourage their DCs to be promiscuous. It gives them space to make wise decisions.

It's hard isn't it? My DSD is 16, nearly 17 and I've felt I've been catapulted into teenage parenting when I don't know what I'm doing, but like you feel I need to support my DP in parenting her, and also that I have a right to a say in what happens in my home.

I would leave aside the issue of whether she is or should be having sex and focus on house rules. She's welcome to have guests but she should clear it with one of you first. They don't help themselves to food or showers without asking first. They don't stay the night in her room (if you're not happy with that, and it's fine not to be). They must say hello to whoever answers the door. And would also add they shouldn't be such a chicken that they text her when they're at the front door rather than ringing the bell like any normal visitor.

Sex and morals and whether it's a good idea for her right now to be having sex are kind of a different issue, with a much softer approach probably needed. Possibly best led by her mum, though depends on the relationship you have with her. But at the end of the day all you can do here is to advise, support, and encourage an open relationship where she feels she can talk to at least one of you, but she is 16 and can and will make her own mind up on these things. Sounds like she may already have made it up, and so not much you can do to changer her views.

I don't really go there with my DSD, even though I know full well that my DP really doesn't do 'girl talk' and DSD doesn't have the easiest relationship with her own mum either. But you just can't force that kind of relationship. I try to bring things up in a more abstract sense - eg passing comment on things on TV concerning sexual morals, etc, but without ever asking DSD about her own life.

I'd be very unsure about having this softer kind of conversation with your DSD and her BF together, could be awkward and difficult all round. But you could talk to them about house ground rules for when he can come round - framed around the line that you'd like him to feel welcome in your home, but just need to be aware when she's like to have him round.

My parents were strictly no boys upstairs at all and doors open downstairs. Of course I found ways around it but I think it did protect me and delay things quite considerably. If nothing else it provided areason to delay sex beyond the time the subject was first raised. I am grateful to them now, especially as I had a couple if pushy boyfriends.

I think it is probably true that on the whole once you have crossed the line there is no going back in subsequent relationships and I had a lot of different boyfriends between about 13 and 17.

Aye, the soft stuff is DP's territory.

I can just put the fear if god into the boyfriend

of god....

Parents having a liberal and sensible view of sex does not necessarily encourage their DCs to be promiscuous. It gives them space to make wise decisions.

I do have a liberal and sensible view of sex. Yawn. I just don't equate "liberal" with "free range parenting".

(Thanks for the soundbite, btw.)

A few noisy shags within their earshot should give them a taste of their own medicine... Blimey they'll think twice then