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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

If you want lots of kids

26 replies

rosepetalsoup · 15/05/2014 17:52

Hi there, long time lurker here.

I am married to a wonderful man who has two teenage children with his ex. We also have a toddler. It's all working out pretty well: of course we have the usual issues raised in this forum (well the milder ones!) or I wouldn't be reading...

Anyway, I saw some mum friends in the park today and one was pregnant with her fourth child. For the first time it occurred to me that I might, all things being equal, have chosen to have a large brood myself. I didn't think about this when I met DH -- I hadn't been the type to plan how many kids I wanted and was only just getting into the idea.

We plan to have two together, but haven't discussed more, I think assuming that would be enough (including his others especially). I'm not going to broach it with him now, but I was just wondering if there were others who might naturally have wanted a large brood and then had to navigate this in a second-marriage situation. I guess that by the time a second marriage is underway people are often too old to have more than two.

Interested in hearing about others' experience.

OP posts:

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Reallyrally · 15/05/2014 18:02

I am in exactly the same position, but my husband thinks he's done with 3. Two DSDs and our DS together. The SDs are in their late teens so I feel sad for our DS that he won't really have siblings in the usual growing up together sense. I would definitely have wanted more children but as they say I've made my bed! I will admit though there are times when it makes me oh so very sad...

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 15/05/2014 18:04

Hi Really that is a little sad. I expect, like me, you were too young to have thought it all through (if anyone ever has) when you got together with your DP.

I think we will have two (of our own) and I will be happy with that, but was just shocked to realise that if I had just stuck with my boyfriend from uni, say, I might have wanted 3 or 4 or 5

OP posts:

Salazar · 15/05/2014 18:05

I'd have the other and see how you feel.

No point bickering and creating tension now about hypotheticals.

The reality of three/four kids might be the least appealing thing in the world after you've had two.

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 15/05/2014 18:06

Haha yes Salazar you're probably right. I'm probably just broody for number 2. But I was just interested in others' experience and feelings -- I'm not necessarily planning on changing things in my own life.

OP posts:

StraddlingTheFence · 15/05/2014 18:07

I have 1 step child and 2 biological (for want of a better word!) children. When I met and married DH he made sure I was very aware that I was marrying him and his DS. If I didn't have DSS I would probably have had 3 biological children, although I think I prefer it this way as I get the benefit of being part of a 2-child and a 3-child family.

A couple with no children from previous relationships build their family together, whereas people in our situation come into an existing family and can choose to add to it, but have less influence in shaping it (from silly things like time tabling, to upholding preexisting family traditions).

Salazar · 15/05/2014 18:07

Good rule for pregnancies - one at a time!

StraddlingTheFence · 15/05/2014 18:13

Oops, hit post too soon.

The thing I struggle with is the traditions. For example, we stick to DSS's version of Father Christmas which is in many ways particular to his Mum's side of the family (DH and I share a common, but different version). So the children DH and I have together are following DH's ex's family traditions, rather than either of ours. Now DH's ex is really very lovely and so are her traditions, but it's not how I had imagined it. Silly, petty example. But one that brings it home to me.

alita7 · 15/05/2014 18:26

Dp has 3 daughters and I am 15 weeks pregnant with our first together.

I used to want 4-6 children. This pregnancy has assured me that I do not want that many- the first trimester horrors and the fear of things going wrong as I had spotting, an MMC and a possible early MC before hand. Obviously practically we can't really have that many anyway due to financial constraints :/

I would like at least 1 more though, dp is keen to have the snip as soon as we've had this one, but I feel it's unfair for me to not have the chance of having 2 children so he's said it's ok for me to get a coil, wait about 3-4 years and then have another 1 if we want one, then he will get the snip.

I think I am ok with this, and obviously I knew the situation when we got together, but I think the only reason we would break up would be if I wanted more kids and he didn't. Hopefully we won't be in that situation or will be able to find some kind of compromise.

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 15/05/2014 18:30

Alita that's difficult - but I know lots of people in non-step situations disagree about how many / whether to have kids too! At least that's something to remind yourself of.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

OP posts:

TheMumsRush · 15/05/2014 18:41

My DH won't have anymore, I'd love another. I have two sc but the gap it nearly 8 years between my da and the younger of the two sc

TheMumsRush · 15/05/2014 18:42

My Ds that should read

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 15/05/2014 20:15

Gosh, now feeling quite lucky my DH wants two (with me). That's difficult MumsRush, but don't forget your DS will actually flourish because of having more of your attention/funds!!!

OP posts:

Peacesword · 16/05/2014 10:26

I didn't have the second one I had wanted, we just couldn't have afforded to or had the space to.

I'm very close to dsd and she has ended up living with me after I left her Dad, and refers to me as mum so I guess I had my second all along.

I couldn't imagine dd and dsd having a sibling now, and i think its all worked out well. Didn't stop the heartache and tears at the time though.

I know hugs aren't the done thing here, but have some anyway ladies.

Eliza22 · 16/05/2014 16:49

ReallyRally, that's sad. Can't your partner be persuaded? It's lovely for him that he has his girls but, as you say, your son will have no siblings closer to him, in age. My son is an only child (just how it turned out) and it is a huge, huge regret for me. And for him a bit, too.

Eliza22 · 16/05/2014 16:50

My ds is old enough now to say that, he'd have loved a sibling. My dh's 3 are all grown up now.

alita7 · 16/05/2014 17:20

I'm secretly crossing my fingers that next time I have twins or triplets :p

Eliza22 · 16/05/2014 17:40

Ooh! Be careful what you wish for!

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 16/05/2014 18:07

lol Alita!!

OP posts:

swissfamily · 18/05/2014 09:10

I recently got sterilised during the birth of my third child with DH. We also have my DSD8. I really regret it if I'm honest.

I know practically, it would be a struggle to have another but I always wanted four; we just about have the space and could afford it.

DH takes the view that "we" already have four kids. In my mind it's more a case of him having four and me having three plus a stepchild.

Too late to change anything now though!

alita7 · 18/05/2014 10:06

oh Swiss I feel for you... of course in his eyes you as a couple have 4 kids, they're all biologically his!
And bring up a child from birth who doesn't have another mother is different, as much as I see my dsd as my child (came from her first, we were discussing the possibility of me having a baby before I got pregnant and she was saying well you already have one child :p) she wouldn't have replaced the need to have babies.

ForeskinHyena · 18/05/2014 10:26

I have three and DP has two, ranging from 6 to 14. I always wanted 3 so happy with my lot, but now that I've met him there is a little part of me that would love a child of both of us.

However, the logistics of having 5 DCs is already hard enough (& expensive!) and we usually get one night a week with no DCs around and the odd longer break when they are with the other parents, which we'd never get with one of our own. I know in my head that another dc would be a bad idea but in my heart there's a little niggle that actually, the joy of an addition to our already big brood would outweigh the downside.

He is very sensitive about how it would affect his DCs too, as he has them 50/50 whereas any new child would mean he would want to live here 100%. At the moment the logistics of DCs and different schools etc mean we won't live together full time, but a shared dc would add huge complications.

I talked about getting sterilised the other week as we need to sort proper contraception, as if I got pregnant by mistake I would find it very difficult to make the 'head' decision, not the 'heart' one. I know it's the right thing, but it seems so final and I can't help thinking if things didn't work out and I met someone else who did want more DCs I would like that option, but at 40 I don't know if I'm just being silly

alita7 · 18/05/2014 10:58

Foreskin if he doesn't want more kids then he can get the snip! I am a hugely against women having a big operation if the man is able to have the snip, a small procedure with local anaesthetic. You'd have to have major abdominal surgery! And you've had to go through child birth and take pills etc for contraception most of your life, It's the man's turn!

The coil might be a less permanent solution?

QueenArseClangers · 18/05/2014 13:29

When we got together we had a child each (they were both toddlers). We've gone on to have 3 DC together and now our family feels complete. I always count my DSD as 'mine' as we have him 50/50 and have loved him from the start (he's now 14) and the two stepbrothers are VERY close :)
When we embarked upon our relationship we knew that we wanted a large family and the dynamics of our household really works.

ForeskinHyena · 18/05/2014 13:40

Thanks Alita, that was kind of my view on it too, but I can't really force the issue at his end, whereas I am in control of my own fertility. Coil is definitely a possibility though.

NerdyBird · 19/05/2014 13:59

I am expecting my first baby soon. DP has two DDs already. Realistically I know it's unlikely I'd have another baby because of my age and having PCOS, plus the fact that we don't have quite enough room for this one or enough money for a bigger house etc; but I was still a bit sad when I heard DP telling his youngest daughter there wouldn't be any more babies after this one. I must say I too entertained fantasies of twins!

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