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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Things are so nice during the week!

102 replies

yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 12:08

As I type this I have my own children playing in the garden, two step children upstairs doing their own thing. Tried to involve them downstairs but they don't want to. FiancÃ© has popped into town.

I hate having them here

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

croquet · 18/04/2014 10:53

Velma I'm interested in your futon experience -- did you resent not having a proper bed at your dad's as well as your mum's?

It's hard to afford to give a whole room over to a non-resident child in this economic climate...

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 10:59

Croquet, I was a fourteen year old girl and it was the family home until my parents split up. I turned up for a weekend to find he had moved the new family in and my bedroom was gone. At the time we had only just gone from 50/50 to weekends. It wasn't so much the futon as the complete disregard for his children and feelings. I felt replaced by his new family - and indeed he did rung my mum a few months later and say he didnt need us anymore as he had a new family (his wifes children were similar ages to us)

I didnt expect a bed at both houses per se, but to be made to feel it was still my home and I was welcome would have been nice. And communication would have been key.

What they should have done is move house when they went from three kids to six imo.

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 11:01

There was a lot more to it than just the bed. We were suddenly not allowed to let ourselves in with our door keys, to pop over for stuff we had left, the alarm code got changed and we weren't told it etc. We were basically forced out of that family home and made to feel like guests.

croquet · 18/04/2014 11:01

Yes that's very interesting I can see that. I think sometimes people think staying in the old house will be good for children but actually it seals the hurt of having left.
Your dad sounds like he treated you badly. Did he not pay maintenance / come to see you / take you on holiday after that?

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 11:03

And from memory there were two futons. And three of us. Go figure how that felt!

it is one reason that my exh and I work so bloody hard at our relationship and my boyfriend and I won't live together yet. We have all three been through crap divorces (incidently all three with crap fathers) and refuse to do the same with our kids.

croquet · 18/04/2014 11:04

Poor you! And well done for putting in the effort now. It's a minefield, to be sure.

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 11:07

Nope croquet. Nothing. I walked away after his wedding when I was 17 and didnt look back. I was made to feel like shit for years for it until over a decade later (marriage, divorce, kids on my part) a family member was dying and I was pressured to speak to him prior to the funeral. So I did. We went for a beer, I told him exactly what happened, he admitted he was a shit and apologised. Then the funeral went well, and I gave my number and went round asking for photos he'd promised. Six months on I still haven't heard anything from him, we live three streets away from each other. Goes to show he was spinning another story and I did the right thing by walking away years ago. I have no time for anyone like that.

Sorry, completely derailed this thread! And probably outted myself too!

alita7 · 18/04/2014 11:09

Dsd 1 and 2 have to share the pull out bed under dsd 3 s. We would get them to move around but dsd 3 wets the bed and needs the waterproof bedding.
They don't seem to mind, they have 3 to a room at their mums and they understand we can't have a 3rd room or fit enough beds in the room as it's tiny.

croquet · 18/04/2014 11:13

Velma, I don't think you have outed yourself -- sadly this is more of a common story than it should be!! He sounds like he had the gift of the gab, and not much else. Forza! May it only strengthen you and your future endeavours

brdgrl · 18/04/2014 13:21

OP, I only just read this now. I'm sorry you got such a load of crap responses on this thread, please don't take it to heart, they have no idea what they're talking about, frankly, and why they bother coming around to have a(nother) go at stepmums is baffling. Dogfish's post is spot on.

Original poster

yoyo27 · 18/04/2014 22:09

Update.....

So, but of a turn around today. I've watched a lot to see what goes on, and I've made changes for the better.

My children are very cuddly children.....they would happily cuddle all day long if they could, especially my five year old. Quite often they go to my DP for cuddles and he always says yes. Whereas his own children aren't like this, in fact it was me that taught them to cuddle. Their mum doesn't do it much and neither did their dad (though they both do now). However they never ask for them. I guess that at their mum's house they feel very secure, and they never asked their dad as before he met me there were no other children around (girlfriend before me didn't have any).

Tonight DSS has got quite upset as he misses their mum and phoned her. When he came downstairs again I asked him if he wanted a cuddle. He climbed onto my lap and we cuddled for ages. I did the same with DSD. I spoke to them both and apologised. I said that because they don't ask for cuddles like my children do, I assumed they didn't want them. But that all they have to do is ask, and at the same time I will make more of an effort. Xx

OP posts:

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 22:25

Yoyo, thank you. That post honestly brought tears to my eyes. Im so glad you found a way in. I know it won't be an overnight thing, but really hope this is the start of a happy blended family. Enjoy your extra cuddles :-D

alita7 · 19/04/2014 00:33

I hope that's a start of a good thing, sometimes kids/ people need something more meaningful than will you come and play with us to feel wanted and included :)

Original poster

yoyo27 · 19/04/2014 01:53

I think that it all got lost along the way somewhere, probably when the new babies came along. My stepchildren have always been included, and always been given time with the girls etc. but my attention is on them a lot due to their ages, and my older four are very secure, and also ask when they need a cuddle.

Fingers crossed things can get back to normal now xx

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2014 02:28

I think if the OP's children are so small then it's really a bit ridiculous to find "faults" with them.

OP, I agree with Dogfish that the problem here is your fiancé. He needs to spend the time with his children, to make them feel as though he wants them there, which he appears to be signally failing to do. It's not your sole responsibility to make them feel "welcome"!

Although having said that, with your little children being so small, it's unlikely that the bigger children would want to play with them.

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2014 02:30

Bugger. Sorry, that was my fault for only reading the first page. Ignore as necessary!

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2014 02:36

Although now I've read more of the thread, I still think your fiancé is strongly at fault here - why on earth does he consider his children to be "guests" in the house? It should be their home as well! Am sad that he feels that way and no wonder they feel isolated.
Very glad that you've sorted out the hugs thing and I hope it does turn around for you (although I'm not sure about your DP )

TheMumsRush · 19/04/2014 07:32

What a lovely update op, it's so hard being a SP and until you've done it (and I'm sure a few posters here haven't ) you have no idea what the reality is.

Please don't be scared of the SP board, you will soon notice the same old names stirring shit and know to just ignore

Original poster

yoyo27 · 19/04/2014 08:27

Thank you.

I don't think he uses the term 'guests' in a negative way, just that they should have special treatment. Whereas I don't agree. Everyone has to muck in and get on with it!!

Hopefully things will get better now xx

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2014 09:01

Oh well that's almost worse in a way! They absolutely don't get special treatment, they're still children of the household and need to abide by the household rules and get treated the same as the other children, otherwise your own children will get pissed off about it. How silly of him!

Original poster

yoyo27 · 19/04/2014 12:02

Exactly! Part of the problem is that at their mum's they don't have to do anything (DSS certainly doesn't but I think DSD does help out) and are thoroughly spoilt (not saying that as a bad thing) so things are a bit different here!! X

OP posts:

SocialNeedier · 19/04/2014 14:16

It's perfectly possible (and reasonable) to dislike a child's behaviour without disliking the child.

Your DP is the problem IMO.

prawnypoos · 19/04/2014 18:46

I cant believe how nasty people have been to yoyo!! Instead of criticizing and offering no useful advice what so ever perhaps save your energy and keep your stupid comments to yourself. Its so difficult being a step parent and I think your partner needs to step up and try and spend more time with his kids and encourage them to spend time with your kids too! Talking to partners about their kids isn't easy and I know that first hand but he shouldn't be relying on you to take care of them so much, they ultimately aren't your responsibility but his. As for the crappy negative comments, a few words of wisdom you should take on board - we all live in glass houses and EVERYONE has dirty windows!!

Original poster

yoyo27 · 19/04/2014 21:49

Prawnypoos, I love you comments!!

Today has been a struggle. Stepdaughter has been stroppy all day, despite it being my sons birthday. SS has been fine (him and my son get on brilliantly) but SD has been awful, spent most of it going off in a huff. No doubt jealous, but really, no need for it!

OP posts:

alita7 · 19/04/2014 22:20

It's because the attention is fixed on someone else, just let her be huffy and spoil your son, then spoil her on her birthday :)
dsd struggles when the attention is on her sisters, it's very hard to deal with!

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