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Original poster

Things are so nice during the week!

102 replies

yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 12:08

As I type this I have my own children playing in the garden, two step children upstairs doing their own thing. Tried to involve them downstairs but they don't want to. Fiancé has popped into town.

I hate having them here

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SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/04/2014 19:01

Your problem is him, not his children.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 19:05

Yes I think you're right x

Thank you for all the helpful responses x

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Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 19:12

Ps, they're not expected to play with a 4 m and 17 m old. I'm talking about my older children (eldest is 10 )

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JustAnotherYellowBelly · 17/04/2014 19:13

Just to clear it up,
DSS, DSD, DS, DS, two babies?

3littlefrogs · 17/04/2014 19:17

I agree it must be very stressful having all those children in one house.
I have 3 and that is quite enough for me.
However, I still think he should not be going off and leaving you with all of them.
Maybe the DSC just want a bit of peace?

MrsCampbellBlack · 17/04/2014 19:17

So you have 6 children in all? That's a lot for you to deal with. I'd find it hard if I had 4 children to then have 2 extra who probably feel left out in your home - not necessarily through anything you've done.

Very hard situation. I'd try and get your DP to take the 2 step-children out by themselves - do you have them every weekend?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/04/2014 19:22

Six children is a huge amount of work, and he shouldn't be leaving you to do it all. Also, if his children perceive that you and he and your children and the babies are all one happy family when they are at their mothers, and then he doesn't seem interested in them when they are there, that must be very hurtful. He needs to pull his finger out.

alita7 · 17/04/2014 19:28

you are being silly, maybe their faults aren't relevant.

The op isn't saying it's the children's fault that they are like this, but they are so she is struggling. She is being honest, she prefers the atmosphere when they aren't there for good reason, she's fed up of trying when no one else will.
For example I put a lot of effort Into my relationship with my dsds and most of the time we get on brilliantl, and they are lovely to me (dsd 3 can be a nightmare at times but she has autism and other ld so it's not her fault exactly) but if they rejected my efforts then we wouldn't get on, would that be my fault? I do a lot already, would you expect me to do more and more to no avail, even with a tiny baby and post partum hormones like the op has?

alita7 · 17/04/2014 19:46

The reason you don't want rid of your kids when they are naughty are because a. you're programmes to love them from birth and b. I presume you also have lovely times with them.

I can totally understand the ops perspective, the initial few posts were not worded well and came across as though she just didn't want the kids around. But when you read about what is actually going on, she is often left to care for 6 kids alone, they are unpleasant to everyone when they do spend time with her and the rest of the time they won't interact. her partner, the children's father, often doesn't bother to care for them himself and won't let her sort out the situation - as they know she isn't able to discipline them so will misbehave as much as they like - how can one be expected to look after children if they can't tell them off and dp won't either! I would rather they weren't there if I was an unpaid baby sitter who could do nothing about bad behaviour!

I think your dp needs to have a serious chat with them, they don't have to want to spend time with you, they just need to be polite. He should also allow you to punish them, he could tell you exactly what punishments he thinks are appropriate for certain things, rudeness, bullying, violence if applicable and then you can follow those set things. If not he needs to leave his office and discipline them.
He should also make an effort to try and get them to want to be included, they could pick some days out that they want to go on or something like that.
He should be supporting you if he expects you to care for them. my last point is that he needs to be trying to work more at bed times or extra during the week so he can limit work time while they are there.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 19:52

Dsd 11, DD10, DSS 9, DD8, DS6, DD5, DD17m, DD4 m

8 children. Yes every weekend and extra in holidays

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lunar1 · 17/04/2014 19:52

It's your partner who needs to behave better. He's got himself a nice life hugging and playing with you children plus had two more but doesn't give a shit to spend time with the children he doesn't live with.

How can anyone be surprised by their behaviour? Their life isn't exactly hugs and rainbows. I feel so sorry for them, I could never be with a man who was to lazy to parent his children. Don't blame them for having a crap dad.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 19:53

I should add that my DP is amazing around the house. A lot of his day is spent on housework etc while I look after the children. Along with DIY to sell our house

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Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 19:58

Thank you for the responses, very helpful x

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MrsCampbellBlack · 17/04/2014 20:04

8 children - lordy! Do you all have enough space when you're there - ie, enough downstairs space so they don't have to go upstairs which always feels more anti-social somehow.

VelmaD · 17/04/2014 20:08

Ok, so four of the children are yours, two are his and two are your jointly?

They are very close in age. Do all your six live with you?

Do you think maybe this is based on the step childrens insecurities in the house? Jealously of your childrens relationship with their dad? Jealously at having to share him? Acting up to create attention in a busy house? None of this is great behaviour dont get me wrong, but having been a step child in this environment can make you act like a spoilt brat to hide your upset and hurt and insecurities. They're children and can't be expected to process emotions like that as rationally as we would.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 20:21

Yes that's right. And my six are here all the time (my older four included, they don't see their dad).

They are actually good kids, I haven't said they aren't. Just that weekends bring so many problems that I don't look forward to them any more.

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alita7 · 17/04/2014 20:47

You know I never understand why some dad's seem to try harder with other people's kids than their own, dp can be like it and it baffles me, though not to the extent yours does. apart from me and one ex who is a good friend of ours, he always dated single mums and made tonnes of effort with their kids apparently (the ex says anyway and shes known him over 10 years and were quite close) i see it myself with friends kids too... although he obviously sees his kids more than those kids.
I just don't get it!

VelmaD · 17/04/2014 20:48

Yoyo, that must be so hard for those two children. To come into an established family. What set up do you have when they stay? Do they all share rooms? I remember my worst behaviour was when i lost my bed due to space to my step sister - i had a futon that was horrible and felt so pushed out. My parents probably thought all the girls similar aged loved a big sleep over every weekend, but i hated it.

How often do they come? Weekly? Do they have any time on their own with their dad? How long has this set up been like this? Has their behaviour got worse lately?

I feel for you trying to pull this all together, but having been a stepchild in a similar environment feel for those kids too, as horrible as they are in your house.

Hopefully people here have some ideas and you can get a happier blended family.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 20:55

They have their own beds, and own drawers and space etc etc.

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VelmaD · 17/04/2014 21:03

So do they share a room that's solely theirs?

I would stop trying to push them to interact with your children. Boys aged 11 and 9 are probably not wanting to play with a 10 year old girl or 6 year old boy. They're probably closing ranks, they feel like its them two against the world.

You most definitely need to ensure they dont tease or bully your children, but equally you need to be aware of how much they will feel like visitors right now and want to hide. I know that's not easy when your dp is hiding and you're running the show.

How long have their parents been split up? What's their life like with their mum? And yours/dps relationship like with her? Do they come all weekend every weekend with you? Could they be getting to the age that they resent giving up all their out of school time to come to their dads?

Sorry, loads of questions.

alita7 · 17/04/2014 21:17

I agree, If there dad was around they might feel more part of the family. But they probably do feel lumbered on to you and your family. A bit like how kids feel when they have to stay with an aunt and uncle and their cousins, they know they're part of the family but they don't necessarilly feel it unless they are very close to them.

It's not your fault op. its not theirs either, it is their father who needs to make an effort.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 21:55

True. I've made it as homely as I can for them, but he has often said (in an argument, when I think the children should all be treated the same) that they're 'guests'. So they probably feel they don't have a space here, even though they do.

You've given me a lot to think about, thank you

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VelmaD · 17/04/2014 21:58

Yoyo, step parenting is hard. I grew up with a stepmother and shite father, which I have no contact with now. I have a mother and stepfather who have a frankly unhealthy relationship which is slowly ruining mine with my mum. My children have a step mother and I am just venturing into that ground myself with my boyfriends son.

Its a bloody minefield.

And add in childrens emotions and hormones and its just awful at times.

I really hope this gets better for you and you and your partner can get a more harmonious household on a weekend.

alita7 · 17/04/2014 22:20

Well if he's treating them as 'guests' what hope do you have- they need to feel like it's their home too!

We try our best to make DSD1 and 2 feel at home here. It's difficult as they have to sleep in DSD3s room, which is supposed to be all of their room, but as she is here full time it gets called her room... and DSD3 is very possessive of her stuff, and sometimes forgets that a lot of the stuff in her room is theirs too and gets possessive and will suddenly decide she wants to play with something she hasn't looked at in weeks because one of them get it out to play with, because 'it's mine'.

Original poster
yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 22:42

I am a step child and I remember the troubles my parents had with us all. I thought it would be easier!!

I have decided to write it all down over the next few days, not act emotionally but take time to get the facts down. And then speak to my DP about it all. Things HAVE to change. If he refuses then I will have no choice but to ask him to move out and live apart. I refuse to remain unhappy. We only live once!!

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