Why use your children as pawns ???

[Mrsmorrison13]

Its absolutely disgusting in my opinion and is happened ing left right and centre !

Happening to us right now - it's only the children that are suffering .

Sorry had to vent makes me sick to my stomach

I don't get it either .

What's happened?

Psychologically, it enables the offending parent to reinforce a false identity they've created for themselves eg super cool parent who provides all the fun treats or "victim" parent who can't bear to accept any fault for their part in the ending of the marriage (not actual victims).

Why you'd actually do it it though is beyond me. I can only assume it comes out of massive lack of awareness of the depth of damage you can do. You have to be pretty cruel to know what you're doing and keep doing it.

I actually hope this is rarer than thought. Last year I had to obtain a non molestation order, prohibited steps order and residence order ex parte.

If you asked my ex or his family they will tell you(as they told me) that I 'used' my child against ex as a weapon against him.

When in actual fact I was striving for routine and consistency, at the very least.

It hurts me even now to think that some people believe I would have used my child for anything. I know why I did what I did, as do those closest to me.

If you mean "does one parent use the child to make life difficult for their ex", then I think it takes place, to a lesser or greater degree, in the majority of step families. It's not always the major stuff (thank god) but things like despatching a child for access without their usual clothes (meaning the NRP has to either go shopping or make extra trips back to the ex to pick things up) can really rankle.

Dries me mental too! I also hate mothers who think that because they are the mother they are the parent and somehow the father is the sub parent, and that despite the fact that they get to see them every day, the sub parent is only allowed them every other weekend regardless of anything else. Or not allowed to see them at all in many situations... and teasing them by offering contact then cancelling it last minute.
I also get fed up of mothers thinking they can have any man they like around the children, but when the father meets someone he has to fight fire to be 'allowed' to introduce the kids.
I would never make dp feel he wasn't equal to me when it comes to parenting no matter what happens with us, and I would never hurt my kids by refusing to let them have a relationship with their father, or making them feel pressured to prefer me etc.

Some women really need to re-evaluate who they are... obviously if a father is abusive or dangerous then there is a reason not to allow the child to be with them with out some sort of supervision, but just making it difficult for the child to have a relationship with them, and poisoning them with lies and half truths about their father is just wrong!

My husband is the nicest kindest guy you could ever meet and the boys are just darling. He left his ex because she emotionally abused him with the final straw being that she punched him in the face in front of their eldest son because he disagreed with her about selling the house and payment of debts she apologised and he knew it was done in the heat of the moment and would never beat the kids but it changed how he felt about her. He left with the clothes on his back and was sleeping on a mates sofa. Access was agreed and went well until he went one night to find the house in Darkness and that was the last time he saw them for 16 months until a court order was granted. That court order includes additional contact at Easter which is due to start of Friday and now she has threatened to stop this in her own words " because she can" never mind that the kids will be upset you just be a selfish cow !

It's devastating isn't it? My OH is in a similar situation and his ex has also dragged me and my children into her games. The things she tells her children must terrify them but she just doesn't care. She lies and cheats her way to whatever she wants and doesn't care who gets destroyed along the way.

Make sure your DH keeps all correspondence and is firm with her but aware that anything he writes could one day end up in front of a judge.

Hang on in there - it can and does change.

I haven't and wouldn't use my boys as a weapon.

However I do understand that sometimes when a marriage/relationship ends the hurt and bitterness and anger is so strong that you will use anything you have to hurt the other person. Particularly if the other person had an affair or for some reason their action caused the split. The desire for revenge or even to hurt them badly so they know how you are hurting can be overwhelming and when people are in this state there's no logical thought. They would grab whatever weapon they could as they are blinded by the strength of their rage.

Its the same concept of a 'crime of passion', where emotions run so high that common sense or thought of consequences just isn't there.

The poor children caught up in it cease to be children and become mere objects for revenge.

Depends on how your putting your child into battle and also what the battle is that your aiming to win.

I still think that there must be some degree of rational thought goes in to purposefully causing hurt - and I don't think it should matter if the person has had an affair there are different ways to "hurt" a person other than punishing poor defenceless children. This particular person put a picture of my husband in the childrens room and said daddy doesn't love us any more but if you want to talk to him talk to the picture ?!? This came out at a CAHMS appt with the oldest who is suffering badly with attachment disorder not doubt caused by being kept away from his best pal and rolemodel his dad for 16 months

I can honestly, categorically say I have never, ever done this. Not so far and have been divorced from DS's dad for 9 years. ExH behaved rather badly too.

No idea hun! It is sick and unnecessary and as you say the only ones that suffer are the kids.

My dp's exw uses the kids all the time. Stupid little things that's she just grew up and asked dp for he would willingly help out. Things like she hates gardening so had a screaming fit at dp and threatened to stop contact if he didn't mow the grass. Same again over us telling her the kids had nits, we had treated them and sent a new bottle of stuff home with them and could she do a week later and comb daily. She is insane!!

I have to say if dp and I ever split I hope to god neither of us uses our dd as a weapon to hurt the other!

Wheresthelight - we had the it scenario aswell like really ?!? Kids catch them we dealt with it they went home nit free whats the big deal x feels like no matter what we do or don't do she's always dangling revoking contact over us x personally I think it shows how much I love my step kids that I sat and combed beasts out their heads and squished them lol x

Depending on their age and who they choose to side with the kids could willingly join forces with one parent over the other.

mrsm I feel the same!! Dsd is quite tall for 8 and had hair down to her bum and it takes me fricking hours to come it through to kill the little fuckers!! Never mind squishing them though, dunk the nit comb in boiling water, far more satisfying!! I kid you not, the last time dp was at work and I took them both to my mums and it took mum and I 3 hours to comb her hair through. Needless to say dp asked my hairdresser to "give her a good cut" when she came. Exw went nuts but got told tough shit! It is still half way down her back but you would think we had had her scalped!! Surprised contact wasn't stopped but funnily enough she now combs her hair through!

I disagree that it is like a time of passion - a crime of passion is something done in the heat of the moment, in a comparison what these people do would be classed as "with intent".
If you discovered your husband cheating and snatched the children from the house and fled to a friends house telling your children their dad was a monster, yes, that's blind rage in the moment. But this is systematic, calculated emotional abuse that can go on for years and years.

No matter what Dh's ex does, I always believe she has no understanding of the depth of damage she is doing, because as a mother myself, that is easier to stomach.

So we are now 1 hour and 15 mins away from exercising court ordered Easter holidays and the parasite is getting her lawyer to call ours to "negotiate" us to return them 3 days early even though we have a holiday booked!!!! She is so jealous !! Get over it it's been 4 years now

I have a family member who is a SP. Was mulling over why DM of SDCs makes things deliberately difficult.

Then I thought about my new little DGC and how much my DD (not the SP) loves her pfb. And how she would be utterly heartbroken and devastated if she had to hand over baby to another 'mother' should her marriage fail.

So perhaps the acute anger the DSMs feel at someone else 'sharing' their DCs, even if they were the cause of this, results in the malicious pay back despite it not being in the DCs interests.

I think that's ridiculous as it take to to make a marriage and also to break a marriage - maybe if she had kit have been such a horrible evil person then her marriage would not have broken down and she wouldn't be in this situation , but she was and she is when she raised her hand to my husband she made a choice so I refuse to accept its because she is "hurting" it's pathetic ! She's a self obsessed sociopath who is only ultimately hurting her kids and the sad thing is that I think she knows it

I wasn't referring to any relationship in particular, just SM's (or DMs) in general who are malicious at their DC's expense.

Until you area stepmother and you have lived through it no one will understand

I think in general society does not want to recognise that woman can be absuive to their partners and/or their dc.

Absolutely randomess

I think it is totally disgusting, we are battling thus at the moment. I recently had a baby and my dp contacted csa to inform them, resulting in the ex losing £40 a month, she has stopped contCt now as dp has them enough overnights that the payments are lower, she has decided to recoup her money by reducing over nights. Problem is they live so far away that anything other than overnight is impossible. The timing is terrible as the dsc already feeling a but insecure about baby arriving and now suddenly no contact. It's disgusting and upsetting for the kids and us

When dh and his exw spilt up she moved her and their dd 6 hours away, dh once made his usual arrangements to visit, when e got their she refused to let him see his dd, he came back days later not having seen her at all. It was a very hard time for us, he was devastated.

She has moved back now and things have improved a bit but she still likes to have control.