Are we being fair to DSD?

[Onthedoorstep]

Dp and I have bought a house that we have been doing up. My two young boys share a room upstairs - with me and dp in an en suite.

Dp is moving in next month. His dd (my dsd) is in her mid-late teens. We have made her a large room of her own in a large 'study' on the ground floor.

However, she is refusing to move with Dp and says she will move back to her mum's unless we give up our bedroom (next to my boys) or convert the attic (we cannot afford this). She says it is not fair that she can't sleep in the 'bedrooms' like my boys.

We have basically told her that she needs to decide where she wants to live, but she will always be welcome here.

Have we done enough? Are we being fair?

I have been trying to avoid too much detail. She is 16.

When I don't have my boys, I stay at her dad's. That's when she keeps us up! We don't really nag her about bedtimes as long as she is up for school. We can be night owls too really so understand.

Yes her boyfriend spends time in her room watching tv etc. she is 16 and we are ok with that.

I couldn't have said it better catsmother , I think you have hit the nail on the head.

girl this is a two bedroom house where talking about - not a mansion, where dd will be banished to the west wing all by herself.

op you know your doing the right thing.

Good luck in your new home !

When I was 14 I had a room on the ground floor, everyone else was on the first floor.

When I was 16, my parents and sister were on the first floor, I was on the second, and my brother was on the third.

It was a perfectly normal set up.

At 14 I paid my parents to build me a bedroom, they converted the garage (that was useless anyway) for me. I loved having my own space. It wasn't a very big room and I needed a cabin bed but it gave me so much independence. You get used to the different noises, at first I thought I'd never cope with the antique wall clock outside my door that chimes really loud but even now I can't hear it if I'm in the same room as it. My parents needed to near my siblings.

When I was 18 we moved into a three storey house and I had a massive double room in the attic next to my sister's room. We loved having our own space up there.

What mid-late teen wants to be near their parents? Although doesn't sound like that's the issue if she wants either upstairs room.

Lovely as it is that so many people can post about how much independence they embraced as a teen, it doesn't matter. People are not clones and react differently to things. Has this girls dad actually sat down and talked to her?

What could be so terrible that she wants to deprive small children of their parents? She's not asking to be near her dad as she's happy for either pair to move downstairs. She's being difficult, although yes finding out why could be good, but it's not about independence or anything.

but even if he has and she is wants the upstairs rooms for safety, insecurity, fear of the ground? what are this families options?

the young ones need to be on the same level as their parents, the family can t afford a more expensive home. do you advocate they stay in the different rented accommodation so as not to upset her?

op i really do think you ve been fair and considerate to dsd and once she gets moved in i suspect she ll love the down stairs bedroom. my youngest sister once thought my parents should downsize their home and buy her a flat, eh no love thats your job. teenagers can be quite demanding no matter what the family set up is

I think she's simply scared. I used to watch too a y horror films and be scared of bring downstairs when everyone went to bed.
My dd was nervous for ages at night when dh and I moved up to the attic bedroom, just because we were further away.
I think it's just that.

Another one here who slept on the ground floor.I loved it.
Why are step children mollycoddled so much? Once she gets used to it she will enjoy it .

I don't think this is about the room at all. It's about the change. The world around her is about to change and she has no control over that. Making an issue of the room is her way of taking back some control.

She may well have feelings she can't verbalise, or is afraid to. Give her lots of opportunities to talk about how she is feeling about the changes.