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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Are we being fair to DSD?

85 replies

Onthedoorstep · 06/04/2014 21:26

Dp and I have bought a house that we have been doing up. My two young boys share a room upstairs - with me and dp in an en suite.

Dp is moving in next month. His dd (my dsd) is in her mid-late teens. We have made her a large room of her own in a large 'study' on the ground floor.

However, she is refusing to move with Dp and says she will move back to her mum's unless we give up our bedroom (next to my boys) or convert the attic (we cannot afford this). She says it is not fair that she can't sleep in the 'bedrooms' like my boys.

We have basically told her that she needs to decide where she wants to live, but she will always be welcome here.

Have we done enough? Are we being fair?

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Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 07/04/2014 15:29

It's a ground floor bedroom, only for her use, with a double bed and adjacent bathroom.

We couldnt afford a larger house.

The boys couldn't sleep there as they need to be next to me as they are dreadful sleepers - I couldn't have them on the floor below.

OP posts:

GreenShadow · 07/04/2014 15:36

We've never had an en-suite, so if it was us, I wouldn't put too much importance on having one. I might therefore swap with her and let her sleep upstairs and have you and DP downstairs.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 07/04/2014 15:36

I think she does feel like she's been 'tagged on' but we bought this house planning to turn the downstairs room into a big room for her.

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 07/04/2014 15:37

Depending on how old/sensible she is can you "sell" it to her? She'll be able to have music on/friends over without disturbing the sleeping boys, easier to come in later etc.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 07/04/2014 15:37

My boys are very insecure and need me upstairs once they've gone to bed. They wouldn't sleep with her there and music etc.

OP posts:

Morgause · 07/04/2014 15:39

You're being very fair. Tell her to hurry up and make up her mind and if she isn't moving in make it a playroom for the boys.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 07/04/2014 15:49

It will always be her room, even if she doesn't want it.

I am just sad that she is being difficult about this. We've gone to such lengths but just can't afford the sort of life she wants.

OP posts:

oscarwilde · 07/04/2014 15:49

Hmm - so she'll be in a room of her own with the best broadband speed, easy access to the kitchen, the front door and the TV when everyone's gone to bed .... She's mad. More to it than meets the eye I think, perhaps she is using it as a "reason" to move back to her mums full-time.

oscarwilde · 07/04/2014 15:53

I would just tell her that and let her make her own decision. Keep it free as a "spare room" for a bit and see if she comes around.

Any reason she'd be nervous on the ground floor by herself?

wheresthelight · 07/04/2014 16:06

The only thing I would say you uave been unfair on is that you post suggests you have decorated it etc without her input. Perhaps this is why she is feeling put out? My dsc's are much younger that your dsd but they have been taken to b&q and have picked colours, bedding, posters etc

Other than that she is being a spoilt brat and needs to wind her neck in

alita7 · 07/04/2014 16:29

I honestly think she is just wanting the en suite or a luxury loft conversion to impress friends with. Unfortunately most adults do not get the luxury of an en suite and if she doesn't have a medical condition that would require her to have quick, eas, and private access to a bathroom at night then she does not need the en suite she is being manipulative.
my dsds wouldn't even think to ask... They would be over the mood to even have their own room to share rather than being with dsd 3 at our home. This is a lesson she needs to learn, you have to earn things in life, you have worked hard to get your home and deserve an en suite. she has got two bedrooms she is lucky, maybe show her some pics of the rooms some children across the world have to live in.

Grennie · 07/04/2014 16:34

I doubt this is really about the room. Some parents are understanding when young children have to move into a new house with a parents partner, but don't understand how difficult it can be for a 16 year old. I think your partner needs to talk to her about how she is feeling and let her express any concerns, anger or upset she is feeling about this move.

nkf · 07/04/2014 16:40

I think it's probably about the change rather than the room.

sceptictank · 08/04/2014 08:47

i think if you had taken the "step" out of the equation there would not be anybody advocating that the young children (who are sharing) sleep down stairs away from their parents. really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bad form, i thought you lot only cared about the children? not it seems if they dare to be born to the second mother, projecting much?

she is a member of this family not the priority

brdgrl · 08/04/2014 10:47

she is a member of this family not the priority

Precisely.
You are being very fair, OP, don't let her reframe things.

Goodness, such privilege some kids take for granted, too. There were seven of us in my house, growing up. We rented and we moved house a number of times...I slept in shared rooms, rooms made by partitioning a space with bookshelves, a room 'created' in the back of the house by clearing out a laundry space...as they were rentals, I wasn't often allowed to 'decorate', either. When I was older and off to uni, I slept on a sofa when I came home.

But my mum wasn't my stepmum, and I didn't have another house for Flouncing, so it never really occured to me to complain.

TheMumsRush · 08/04/2014 11:48

GreenShadow! She's only there 50% of the time! I'd not give up and en suite to my dsd and have it sitting there unused just to please her? Good god! I work hard and deserve the perks!

TheMumsRush · 08/04/2014 11:50

4 people using one bathroom 100%of the time vs 1 girl using the other bathroom 50% of the time! That is the most outrageous thing I have heard! (And ive seen a lot on here)

croquet · 08/04/2014 11:56

Also isn't the whole thing about being 16 feeling like your family hate you / want you to move out / have a life without you etc?

Was for me. I think it's just her moment for rebellion. CERTAINLY don't concede to her demands. If it were me I wouldn't really do anything, just act like it's a bit tiring and ignore, without changing any of your plans. Certainly don't indulge her in a big heart to heart.

I think stepkids with two homes lose out on having weekend jobs as they feel they need to spend weekends and holidays with parents. Any normal 16 year old would be waitressing at the weekends and enjoy sneaking a few friends in / out for a fag once in a while.

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2014 11:58

Do you think she might be nervous of having to sleep on the ground floor on her own and not want to admit to it? I was used to it years ago because I grew up in Denmark where bungalows are more common, but after years of living in the UK I think I would probably find it a bit disconcerting at first.

I think I would just try to get her excited about it, maybe have her make up a mood board of things she'd like to do with the space, etc?

If it is a matter of her wanting to be top priority then I think she is just going to have to accept that it isn't going to be the case, but that doesn't mean she isn't part of the family unit be hopefully she will get to the point where she can see that.

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2014 12:01

It sounds as if you are a good step parent and conscious of her feelings, so fingers crossed everything will fall into place soon. I think that underneath it all she is probably still a bit of a little girl and wants to feel part of the unit. But give it a couple years and she'll be glad she has her own space slightly set apart. I think that will have to be your selling point. And don't feel bad if you can't afford to convert the loft space. Unless she's completely entitled she will understand that it isn't possible, even if she wishes it was.

lazypepper · 08/04/2014 12:10

I think your idea sounds great. I would have loved a downstairs 'suite' to myself at that age. Especially coming in late at night/early morning..

Has she actually seen the set up? With a bed in and explained the privacy aspect? She doesn't think that you will all be using it in the times she isn't there?

Teens can be funny whether bio or step- children - but I certainly don't think that you should give in and let her have your bedroom with en-suite. No way.

During the week DH uses DS's bedroom as his office - as we don't have enough rooms to set one aside for a room which will be used less than 3 nights per month. It's just the way it is.

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2014 12:20

Very important point, I think, that someone made about feeling as if they were only an overthought when they stayed at non-resident parent's house.

Perhaps a trip out to pick out a few small furnishings? H&M do nice things, and maybe it would be good if it could be just you and her having a girls' day out - doesn't take much more than coffee and a cake and a couple hours shopping to let her know that you want her to have a place in your home and the room arrangement isn't reflecting anything other than the practicalities of having small children.

Good luck with it all, you're being fair and she'll come round to the idea.

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/04/2014 23:48

Have you asked her why she dislikes the room? Is it in any way 'cut-off' from the rest of the household? Is there anything about it that could be bothering her? (Play devils advocate in your head, OP, and just list the potential 'downsides' to yourself).

The reason I ask is that teens aren't nearly as confident and independent as they make out, but they certainly wouldn't want to admit that, so just get in a strop instead. It could, for example, simply be that she finds the whole move very unsettling and the physical aspect of being downstairs alone at night a bit spooky.

What kind of set-up are you all moving from?

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 09/04/2014 07:34

She's been in a rented house with her dad.

She said she doesn't want to be on the ground floor. But I got the separate 'lobby' built between the lounge an her room so she can lock herself in to feel safer.

I really have tried to make it as homely as I can. We just feel guilty that we can't afford a bigger house really which is making it hard.

Thank you all for your kind words.

OP posts:

PenguinBear · 09/04/2014 07:38

You have been more than generous and sound like a lovely, considerate step-mum to her. She'll change her tune once she's at her mum's full-time and realised she misses you all!

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