A safe place to rant

[TheMumsRush]

I'm loosing hart with SP board. I think, like Fenton, I may take a back step. SM's come here for a safe place to rant. To say things they can't in RL. Sometime they know it's not great what they are saying, sometimes they don't, myself included and are looking for guidance. But the one thing they don't need is up themselves people bashing them and being generally unhelpful and downright mean. People who I suspect have a reason to think all SM's home wreckers. People fall in love and no one knows what the future will hold. Rant over

Oh and there are some fantastic replies on here. Really insightful.

I'll also be having a look on the place suggested.

Catsmother and others, to your point and just an observation about the OW situation. I have found it quite frustrating when people insist on taking a narrow default view of "she's the OW she must be evil" especially if the person is brave enough to admit to that. There are 101 different and complex scenarios in marriage breakups, not all of them as a direct result of someone being "the OW". It often can derail a thread when someone post a situation asking and hoping for advice. Then someone starts clamouring for "the back-story", they need to know if the OP was the OW, even tho it may have bugger-all to do with what the OP is posting about, but it feels like they just want to use it as an excuse to be nasty, and get some satisfaction from saying "huh, you asked for it!"

Mumsrush, I hope all goes well for you, but obviously don't want you to leave I guess we all need to feel a sense of belonging and its awful if you have to dread being vilified just for trying to get support for a RL situation. So I can empathise if you feel this board is more hindrance than help.

But there are some nice 'regulars' amongst us

I posted this on another thread.

It seems that a lot of people feel that step children should be treated by step parents as children of the family and allowed all the "privileges" of children of the second marriage and step parent's first children. This seems the right approach to me.

However, when it comes to discipline and punishment step parents are often told to leave it to the parent. These two approaches are exact opposites and cannot possibly work. If a step child is to be accepted and treated as a child of the family then the step parent has every right to discipline the child as he/she would any other child in the family.

Just my thoughts as an "outsider".

I really dislike it when posters are told that they knew what they were getting into. No, they didn't. None of us can foretell the future as parents or step parents. It's unhelpful to tell someone that when it just isn't true.

I've been reading and nodding to lots of these posts.

I have seen many non-SMs on mumsnet post very supportive replies to step threads on boards like Chat and AIBU.

However it is also clear that there are some posters who just can't wait to find a stick to beat SMs with. The use of the BM or skids acronyms is a classic one. When they are used unknowingly by SMs in completely inoffensive and reasonable OPs, who just didnt know those acronyns are so liaded on MN, you can be sure that a handful of posters will come out with the most cutting, venomous replies and wild, unfounded assumptions about how the OP must feel about her DSC and DP's ex based on the fact she used those acronyms. It makes me feel angry and sad, like all this hate is just simmering under the surface waiting to have any excuse to come out.

I also agree that many posters are ready to believe the worst of the SM/DP and the best of the DSC and their mum. It's just a mumsnet thing really. Like how on Relationships it's default position to believe the absolute worst of the man being posted (and complained) about. Sure there are exceptions, but there's definitely a general mumsnet party line that tends to pervade, on lots of boards and posting topics actually.

I'm increasingly of the opinion that some MNers trawl the step-board for sport, to "have a go" at stepmums and satisfy their own agenda.
This is clearly evidenced by the fact that there is currently a thread in AIBU by a stepmum (which usually becomes open season on SMs), AND its critical of her DSD - but it has been left alone by the usual posters with an opinion about step situations. could that be because the thread title and initial post do not mention the relationship between the OP and the DC?

Maybe that's how to seek support on MN - post in parenting or other areas of MN and don't mention the fact that the issue is a step- one.

frog, I agree - it is definitely a deliberate thing in some cases, and an unconscious prejudice in others. I really do think we are scary to non-stepmums!

I have certainly thought, in the past, about posting under another name and just saying DCs, in order to get more unbiased replies. But I long ago decided that I won't hide who I am on here - I mean, obviously I want to keep my real identity private and I have on occasion name-changed, but only to post about something non-step-related which contains more identifiable details. I figure there is no point whatsoever to asking for advice if I am not asking 'as myself'. And I have come to think that it is important to stand up as a stepmum. I guess it is like the way some people feel about breastfeeding - I'm not going to go off to the toilets to do it because it makes some people uncomfortable!

In a way, the biggest problem I see on this board isn't about the OW question or even the discipline question (though I agree about those, too) - it is the insistence that every household "should" operate in a particular way, and conform to a prescribed (usually step-child-centric) model - regardless of the needs and desires and capabilities of those IN the family.

I also see a lot of distortion of the same differences that happen across the boards - for instance, parents have different ideas about what responsibilities a child should have at a certain age, or different ideas about how family finances should be handled, or different ideas about the obligation of parents to adult children. Fine. But when those topics are raised in the context of blended families, the motivation is automatically assumed to be a negative one, and any rational discussion is out the window. My values are independent of my status as a stepmum, sorry!

I'm another SM who can recommend the British Second Wives Club for non judgemental support.

I wish I'd heard about the British Second Wives Club before! Now that DSS is away at Uni, the ex doesn't figure in our lives. But when she did .... it's hard to describe the feeling when someone who you've never met, manages to control and manipulate your DH, and therefore you and your household. The unseen yet omnipresent negative entity.

I couldn't help myself