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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What is acceptable?

36 replies

DogsDontFly · 14/02/2014 09:05

With regards to skipping a weekend with DSC's. What is a legitimate reason for doing this?

I'm trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable or if DH is. We have an EOW arrangement. The only time he has postponed due to me in 4 years, was the weekend I had a CS with DS1 4 years ago. When I've been ill, no matter what it is they still come. which has resulted in them getting sick at times. (something I disagree with) It's great that he's a good dad and keeps a routine for them. But there have been times like now where I'm struggling to hold it together. It's the anniversary of my grandads passing. This on top of coping with sick kids, having to take them to work with me where ever possible, for two weeks as childcare is ill. Is this a situation where I can ask for him to not have them? (obviously I can't now so close, pick up is today)or is that never acceptable?
The reason I feel the need to ask is that last weekend DH went away for the weekend with his colleagues. So no visit for DSC's! So I have coped alone through that too. It was a lads weekend basically. I just feel that my mental/emotional /physical health has been ignored since we got together when it comes to looking after DSC's. I have to cope with no matter whats wrong and accept this is how it is. But he saw fit to change this for himself.
So we now have two back to back visits. All I want to do is curl up and cry, instead I have to go to work tomorrow to make up for time i missed last week. Then come home and help.

(I should say this isn't something I would do lightly. I understand the implications of kids missing their dad, mum need her weekend etc. I'm only talking about times where I feel incapable of getting out of bed for my own DC's).

OP posts:

Mumof3xx · 14/02/2014 09:08

If your not well and he insists they come then he needs to do the work

Morgause · 14/02/2014 09:10

He's a selfish prick. If it's OK for him to postpone then you should be able to as well.

Original poster

DogsDontFly · 14/02/2014 09:23

To be fair to him, if I'm sick (head in bucket type I will be in bed) but anything else then I will help out. Maybe not as much as 50/50 but is still too much.
I had horrific pregnancies, hypremesis and bad pelvis. the first one I was left at home alone every weekend, until the birth. Then with DC2 we had no weeknds off. We share lie ins, so I'm not mean. I have a good relationship with DSC's. but times like now I dread there visit, simply because i fear I may crack completely with the extra strain. They are lovely, but obviously have different rules at home, so its always a struggle. I have no where else to go. My family aren't here and the only option I have to remove myself is to his mums. But he's going there tomorrow anyway. I just want to be in my own home and have some support. The only reason I didn't leave him durinv first pregnancy was it was physically impossible for me to (our relationship obviously improved or we wouldn't have had DC2)

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 14/02/2014 09:27

He needs to do everything for his kids if you can't.
I wouldn't stop them coming I would just be clear on expectations.

mumtobealloveragain · 14/02/2014 09:51

How old are the children? Yours and his? Are you ill today? How much will you have to do for them?

purpleroses · 14/02/2014 10:09

I'm not sure you can ask them not to come at short notice easily.

But you should certainly expect your DH to be looking after your DCs too if you are ill. If he can manage that, and all the cooking, etc and care for the DSC, then that's fine. If he can't then he needs to let someone down - Not fair that it should necessarily be you every time but there's no easy answers.

Or he could call in support from elsewhere - what about having the DSC - but arrangeing play dates for them on one day? Or could his mum come and take the DSC out for the day (and your DCS too) leaving DP to care for you?

purpleroses · 14/02/2014 10:11

I do think that pre-arranging to swap weekends around for a weekend away with friends is a bit different though to a short-notice cancellation.

As a mum whose kids go to their dad's EOW I'd be much more peed off about a short notice cancellation for anything other than (what I perceive to be) and emergency. I never have a problem with mutually agreed swaps.

Original poster

DogsDontFly · 14/02/2014 10:17

DSC1 is 9 & DSC2 is 6.
DC1 is 3 & DC2 is 1.

I'm not ill yhis time as such, but I am struggling with keeping going as I have depression and anxiety. The work load of the last two weeks plus kids being sick and DH away. This is a difficult few days for me regardless.

when DSC's arrive tonight dinner will need sorting for all of them. Getting them to bed. (It's staggered due to ages). Tomorrow I have to get up and go to work all day, come home and repeat tonight. Then sunday we either stay in the small house or go out to occupy all 4 Dc's. I just can't face doing any of it right now. But I never have a choice. I need a break from my own as it is. Visits are always hard as they have different rules at home. DSC2 can be rough and hurt the others, so has to be watched along with the usual sibling rivalry.

DH has had two weekends off in the last 8 weeks. I took DC's to see GP. He decided to have it to himself instead of coming with us or having DSC's that weekend instead (wasn't supposed to be ours). I thought it would be a good opportunity for them to have time together without us, so he could focus on just them. He said he couldn't just change their weekend for the sake of it. Both these weekends i've had the kids myself. (disabled GP can't help) his ex regularly requests changes and where ever possible we do this as rhe relationship is fairly amicable. I don't see why he couldn't do the same.

OP posts:

LyndaCartersBigPants · 14/02/2014 10:20

I'm not sure that there actually IS an acceptable reason for you to cancel their weekend, that would be up to DH. That may not be fair or right, but unfortunately I don't think anyone else can decide whether a dad gets to spend time with his non resident DCs, no matter how much it impacts on you.

Seeing them EOW isn't a lot and if that is the only dc-free time his ex gets then she will have planned to make the most of it, so cancelling at short notice is not just unfair on H and the DCs but also on her.

However, your DH should be making sure that he is pulling his weight when his DCs are there and if you're struggling then he needs to address that himself.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 14/02/2014 10:23

Can you arrange a weekend way with your DCs on a weekend when DH does have his rather than doing it when he gets to stay home alone? Or alternatively book yourself something and leave him with either your two, or all four of them. Don't be a martyr. If he can get a weekend off so can you. Just make it happen.

Original poster

DogsDontFly · 14/02/2014 10:31

purple I agree with the short notice thing and I've never been unfair to any of them. I bend over backwards to git around them all. I just wish the same could be said the other way.

I've just told MIL I'm struggling. the response 'keep calm.and carry on'. I told DH i won't be shopping today as I can't even face getting dressed. he didn't a knowledge it. just commented about his previous message and said love you. When I reminded him last nihht it was my grandads anniversary, he didnt say anything or even look at me. After an hour I asked if he heard me.and he said yes buy didnt know whay to say. I got a hug which is something I suppose. Right now i actually want to pack my bags and fuck off somewhere. I'm feeling totally crushed right now. But im sat here with my DC's and no ootions but long distance travel

OP posts:

purpleroses · 14/02/2014 11:04

You do sound really low :-(

Could your DH take all the kids to his mum's and let you have a bit of time to yourself? Then come back, get them them all off to bed early, or the older ones ready for bed and watching a film, then spend some quality time together?

It's hard - your DH has 4 kids and a DW who all need him.

Kaluki · 14/02/2014 11:27

Well to start with you should stop doing so much - you will drive yourself into the ground.
Why can't he do the dinner bedtime routine and let you have a break. They are his dc so he should step up and take over when you aren't feeling great.
It sounds like everything in your household revolves around your DH and all the dc and you are last on the list. Don't be his drudge - if he can have a weekend to himself so can you. Like LyndaCartersBigPants says - make it happen.
Sorry to hear about your Grandads anniversary. Has your DH lost anyone close? I ask because my DP has never really lost any close family members (lucky him) and when my Dads or Nan's birthday or anniversary comes around he just doesn't understand how I feel and reacts like your DH.

Original poster

DogsDontFly · 14/02/2014 11:50

Lynda, I took your advice. I have called my brother and asked if I can visit, I think I worried him as I never cry. so to have me on the phone in tears was a shock. Mil wont take the DC's till DH gets home as shes tired.and FIL isnt well, which is fair enough. so have to wait for him. But I've told him in going for the weekend, rather than asking. Work has been sorted over the phone, so I don't have to go in tomorrow. His sister will be at his mums tomorrow so he will have an easy time of it.

OP posts:

Kaluki · 14/02/2014 12:11

Well done.
Have a lovely relaxing weekend - you deserve it!

Original poster

DogsDontFly · 14/02/2014 12:46

Thanks kaluki. I think I may have shocked DH too, he's left work early and coming home so I can go. A nice surprise and very much appreciated.

OP posts:

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 14/02/2014 13:08

Glad to hear you're getting a break OP. You need to put yourself first occasionally and it won't kill your DH to have sole care of his DC.

Enjoy your break and take care of yourself.

Mynabrid · 14/02/2014 13:33

Sorry hear you are so low and it sounds very similar to my situation. It does sound like you are the last consideration all the time and no doubt your anxiety and depression are linked to your situation: having 2 young children, having to juggle routines and emotions re your step children, getting no time off, working, household chores, and the list goes on! It's very easy to feel like your needs are sidelined when you are feeling like this and dh does need to take notice of the fact that you are not coping at the moment. I suggest sitting him down one evening soon and having a frank chat with him. Maybe you could arrange to occasionally have a weekend away by yourself while he has all the children and occasionally take your kids away for the weekend when he has his. After all, they are HIS children (dsc's), not yours and he is the one they need to spend time with and who needs to take primary responsibility for their needs while they are with you. If y

Mynabrid · 14/02/2014 13:35

Whoops, if you are feeling like this now and it is not addressed, it will get worse, as will your relationship. You. We'd a practical solution that you both agree with. You are juggling too much and don't be afraid to put your foot down and arrange some time for you. Don't feel guilty about it. Have a lovely weekend x

Petal02 · 14/02/2014 13:56

Having to do two consecutive weekends with step children because something has disrupted the EOW pattern, is always tough. The first time DH and I went away together, it was a 2 week break, Saturday-Saturday-Saturday, which meant we missed two access weekends. At that time, any missed access had to be made up ASAP, so trying to fit in 2 extra weekends when we were already doing EOW almost finished DH off. After that, DH stopped 'compensatory' access; he'd take DSS out for a pizza so they could catch up, rather than having to fit an extra Thurs-Sun in somewhere.

starlight1234 · 14/02/2014 14:33

Maybe you need to look at you other half taking all four kids out to give you a bit of time..not nice weather but unless you are in flood area. willies, and waterproofs and get them all out in the fresh air..

but step children not coming because you are worn out is not the answer IMO

SoonToBeSix · 14/02/2014 16:01

The kids should still come if they were your bio dc you wouldn't send them away every time you are sick. However it is your dh responsibility to look after them not yours.

Clutterbugsmum · 14/02/2014 16:11

YANBU,

Your H needs to sort out his work so he can be at home when his children are at yours. He not being fair to any of you.

Stop being so understanding, towards him. He getting to do what he wants when he wants while you are working looking after your own children as well as his.

Enjoy your break, and don't give into him and doing all the parenting and looking after home from now on. Come up with a plan of how you want your life to go on for now.

lunar1 · 14/02/2014 17:21

He only sees them 4 nights a month so he shouldn't cancel, but rearranging should be ok if really necessary. It is not ok for him to rearrange for his own benefit but never for yours.

He chose to have 4 children so should be more than capable of looking after them all on his own if needed.

He sounds pretty selfish to be honest.

mumtobealloveragain · 14/02/2014 18:09

Sorry to joke on a serious thread but...

Starlight just said "willies and waterproofs"

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