What is acceptable?

[DogsDontFly]

With regards to skipping a weekend with DSC's. What is a legitimate reason for doing this?

I'm trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable or if DH is. We have an EOW arrangement. The only time he has postponed due to me in 4 years, was the weekend I had a CS with DS1 4 years ago. When I've been ill, no matter what it is they still come. which has resulted in them getting sick at times. (something I disagree with) It's great that he's a good dad and keeps a routine for them. But there have been times like now where I'm struggling to hold it together. It's the anniversary of my grandads passing. This on top of coping with sick kids, having to take them to work with me where ever possible, for two weeks as childcare is ill. Is this a situation where I can ask for him to not have them? (obviously I can't now so close, pick up is today)or is that never acceptable?
The reason I feel the need to ask is that last weekend DH went away for the weekend with his colleagues. So no visit for DSC's! So I have coped alone through that too. It was a lads weekend basically. I just feel that my mental/emotional /physical health has been ignored since we got together when it comes to looking after DSC's. I have to cope with no matter whats wrong and accept this is how it is. But he saw fit to change this for himself.
So we now have two back to back visits. All I want to do is curl up and cry, instead I have to go to work tomorrow to make up for time i missed last week. Then come home and help.

(I should say this isn't something I would do lightly. I understand the implications of kids missing their dad, mum need her weekend etc. I'm only talking about times where I feel incapable of getting out of bed for my own DC's).

mum to be, that made me smile. which I needed.

Thank you so much for all the advice from everyone. its been helpful. I will make some of the changes suggested, because life does need to change so that I can be happy too.

Hope you have a good weekend op.

Brilliant, good for you! Sometimes you get so caught up in looking after everyone else that you forget to take care of yourself. You're no good to them if you've run yourself into the ground.

Enjoy your weekend and make sure that you regularly make time for yourself, don't wait for your DH to offer.

I don't think it's okay to be honest. But I've missed how old they are, if older teens then definitely. If very small then if mum's made plans it's not fair to land the kids on her like that. I'm the first to jump to the defence of a step mum as we have it hard and often come low on the food chain. But as far as rearranging weekends come, I do feel quite strongly about keeping the routine in most circumstances.
With that in mind I don't think it was right of him to cancel them for his boy's weekend away either. Just my opinion. My ex will usually arrange for our dd to go to nanny's for the weekend... Fun for her, fun for nanny... Is that an option?

Sorry I missed your post where you had made a plan good for you. He needs to pull his weight if you're that worn out

I've always believed that stepmums need a 'weekend away' fund! Having your step children is different to weekends with your own children and it can be draining.

I've learnt (after many years) that I need to be selfish sometimes to survive being a step mum.

Russian, just to be clear I didn't mean just when I felt like it. Someone mentioned yesterday about if they were bio DC they would still come. I think that was my point, I had reached where I wasn't coping with my own DC. So if that situation had arisen, no I wouldn't have had mine. Perhaps that explains how bad I'm feeling?

After comments on here I am wondering if I have approached the situation wrong from the beginning. It has taken me about 3 years out of 4 to become emotionally close to DSC. But I have always played the role in the way I would want my kids to be treated. I also have a great role model in my DSM. DH and I have done everything together as if they are all mine. This has been immensely hard for me. But I thought that because the DSC tell the family they are happy and think I'm lovely, that it was the right thing. But it has been at my expense quite often. There have been times where I needed help and support and pushed on when I shouldn't. (can't give specifics as it will out me)

The issue we have with sending DSC to grandma is that she wants one not the other. So I interviened (wrightly or wrongly) and told DH it should be equal time with both or nothing. MIL couldn't see the issue and that was it really. We see her all together. Although I have heard mention of her making plans to see DSC which is lovely. previously it would have been a request for DSC1.

I think thats probably an area that make life harder. it's taken me years to get DH to see his disney parenting with DSC1 and definitely not with DSC2. I fought to balance that out and the consequences DC1 had to deal with from the resulting behaviour. Not because I want to be in charge, but I want the kids to be treated equal and be happy. We're in a much better place now but it still needs to be kept on top of
after posting this I accept that weekends can't be just changed. but I think what I can take from this is that when I tell DH im struggling he could step up before it comes to me leaving. there are times that I would have called an emergency, hospital admissions, where visits have still taken place and ive been left alone. I think I may need to put my foot down a lot more to say the least. Thank you for all the input, its been great.

sorry that turned into a mini rant.

It's a minefield, isn't it? Your DH will think that having his kids around is completely natural/normal - but when they're not your kids, they feel like visitors, and if you're worn-out/upset etc, not many of us feel like 'entertaining.'

Petal, that is very much how it feels. I tend to be the one to occupy all DC's. DH tends to sit in his arse. I think I may need to head over to relationships. it's becoming very clear that my issue is DH and our status quo not being a step parent.