Daily Mail Article "warning to second wives"

[Petal02]

This article, in today's Daily Mail, warns women who marry men with children, that their husband is likely to favour his children over his new wife.

Nothing new there really!

I don't like the term "favouring". I think there is a place for a new wife / partner and for the children.

It does take done juggling and compromise from everyone involved though.

Kids need and deserve to be parented by both parents and step parents should support the parents.

Time needs to be taken to nurture the new relationship and make the new partner feel "special". You can still lovingly parent your kids and do this.

It's the ones who can't parent their kids who create a divide between kids and step parents and create a situation where kids and partners feel they have to fight for attention and a listening ear.

I was surprised when online dating how many men stated 'my kids will always come first'. Way to make a woman feel special!

Of course our kids come first, but when you make a point of saying it then it comes across as some sort of hierarchy. My DCs' needs come very high on my list, but sometimes I will arrange things (a weekend away for DP and myself) which they may not like, but which are important for our adult relationship to thrive.

There are times when I accept that his DCs wishes over-ride mine and there are times when I really resent that, especially if it's something which I wouldn't allow my own DCs to dictate.

But I agree, it's not exactly news is it.

Mine most definitely puts his new GF first sadly... I'm tired of trying to convince the DC that he really does love them (trouble is he loves himself a lot more than anything or anyone else)

No shit Sherlock!

There was an outbreak of threads a while ago asking about whether children or OH came "first".

Many posters rejected the whole premise of the question - on the basis that love isn't finite and you care for each according to their needs. Nearly all those who answered the question said 'DC first'. So the DM's sample of Dads are, perhaps, all secret MNetters?

Or it's just that people tend to say DC first in interview, because to say otherwise risks looking a bit of a shit.

Surely though, the parents who say that their DCs come first would have also put them ahead of their DCs other parent as well, when they were a couple?

There was a thread on AIBU before Christmas about that and opinions were divided between posters who put their DCs ahead of their Spouse (when the spouse was the DCs other parent, too) and posters who put their spouse first.

This isn't really a "second wife" issue, but a general parenting issue, isn't it?

I do wonder though, if marriages are more likely to fail if one parent does put the DCs of the marriage first, and that prioritisation is then carried into any subsequent relationships. The best indicator would be how that parent prioritises subsequent children. Do they also come above the spouse?

would u expect it any other way!

my ex like to put his gf (of 3 months) ahead of his kids, more fool him

I think putting the kids first is fine as long as their "needs" are correctly identified and given the appropriate weight. The resentment starts when a child's wishes override the spouse's by default rather than everyone's wishes being considered then a decision made in response to that.

As previous posters have said it's general parenting that's the issue.

ginger would you say that your DCs always come first in your own life?

Have you ever left them upset with a babysitter or carer, in order to work, socialise, or attend appointments?
Do you ever dawdle in the bathroom for a few minutes peace? Prepare a family meal that you enjoy, even if you know they aren't too keen on it?

My exH wouldn't do any of these things - once DD was born, his entire existence revolved around her; he did everything he could to prevent her experiencing even the slightest inconvenience, discomfort or frustration, regardless of the impact it had on his life, and he expected me to do the same. I only hope he's not sidelining his DW in the same way - if he does, it's inevitable that she will begin to resent DD!

I think the "my kids come first" saying is the death knell in any second marriage. It sets up a "some are more equal than others" Orwellian mindset that just isn't healthy. No one should come first and as other posters have said, the relationship/love we have for our kids is innate, unconditional and different.

I have a problem with Anna Pasterkak and this article. Firstly (and I'm not judging as I don't know the situation fully) for these 3 daughters, their father was still married to their mum. Whilst that long term relationship may have needed some work, their dad chose to enter into an affair. It doesn't surprise me therefore that the daughters were hostile to the new wife and two of them refused to meet her. The couple also met, got engaged and married very quickly and there seemed little interim for the situation to sink in and settle. The way she describes him talking to his daughters is the way he most likely always talked to his daughters. Why should he change that? My DH calls me 'darling', he also calls his daughters by the same endearment. It's a term of affection. No problem with that. It seems to me that Ms Pasternak wants to be his one and only darling and the problem lies with her and her insecurity. Not him, nor his daughters.

As for writing a thank you note after visiting, no, not really. Wouldn't she rather feel that his kids visited their "second" home in a state of relaxed, "combined family" atmosphere rather than as an invited "guest"?

My situation is that I met my DH 3 yrs after his ex-wife's affair, which ended their marriage. We went out for 4 years before I moved in and were married a month later. His (now adult) kids felt it was ok for dad to have a GF but NOT to marry her and I've been treated as "the other woman" for such a long time now that I have completely detached from them at times. When they are Ok with me, I am very happy to see them, ask of them, speak to them. When I'm ignored, I treat them with detachment. This may seem cold but we're nearly 9 yrs on now and it is, for me, a survival mechanism. Given my time again, I'm not sure I'd have tried so desperately hard to welcome them and for them to like me. The more I tried, the more they didn't like me. The more their dad loved me, the more they resented me. But that's a whole other subject.

Daily Mail. I so dislike that "news paper".

I think sometimes what seems like putting the partner first is actually treating the children well too. It's teaching them lessons about balance and how to conduct relationships.

I think the problem in a lot of cases that people misunderstand "putting the dc first". It doesn't mean put them on a pedestal above everyone else and worship them. It means ensuring their needs are met and that they are safe and well cared for and being bought up with boundaries and discipline to ensure they grow up to be well adjusted happy adults with realistic expectations from life.
Too many parents use their guilt over the separation to over compensate and put the dc over and above everything else and end up producing spoilt entitled brats who will only be disappointed when they hit the real world expecting everyone else to treat them the same. Often the first person they meet who doesn't worship them like is their Step parent.
I havent read the article as I hate the Daily Mail.

I read that, its a fucking horrible article. The woman thinks step children should send a thank you note after staying at their own dads house! My DSD is 7 - I'd be fucking sick if she felt like she had to write a thank you note like she has no place in our home! Shocked by this attitude. No wonder the woman's stepchildren don't really want to know her!

What fantastic Fathers and human's they are then to favour their under 18 children above an adult, good for them.

Ugh the daily fail.
Useful to link to on fb when trying to make a bigoted point

I wouldn't pay for that excuse for a paper or give them any extra traffic to their site if at all humanly possible ..

Maybe if they did the decent thing and wrote about Disney parenting and the damage it does I may be tempted to have a read.
Till then I wouldn't even wipe my arse on it. Cos it'd mean buying it.

Nope as I said I refuuuuse to give the daily fail the time of day

I couldn't see a link anyway

Also it appears you didn't read my comment

Read it along the lines of 'I won't read the link because the dm is always writing stories about dogs, if one day they do a story on horses I may just be tempted to have a nosey'

I never said the man in the article I openly said I hadn't read was a Disney dad.
But the most damage caused is in those type of relationships. Dad too worried about dc refusing to see him he allows them to call the shots or spends heaps on them, or leaves the actual parenting to the sm, or paints her as the bad guy, all of the above, or stuff I haven't mentioned.
If the dm ever get round to writing an interesting and in depth article on the above and the damage it does then I may read it.

redpen While a thank you note might be a bit much, I do expect good manners from anyone I welcome into my home as a guest.

Family members are different, of course - they are welcome any time and have a place and role in the household.

But, a lot of SChildren are discouraged from being members of their Dads family - they are encouraged by the PWC to consider themselves to be visiting Dad and that is reinforced by Dad who puts every day life on hold when his DCs visit.

It's not unreasonable for a SMum to expect guests to be gracious and treat her home with the same respect they would treat other places they stay. Actually, I think most stepmums would prefer their DSC to be part of the family - but that is frequently not the case. DH and I made the mistake of treating his DCs as family despite their Mums strong opinions otherwise. It hasn't ended well - and I no longer have DSC as they have rejected DH completely. If they return, I will treat them as guests, and place suitable expectations on them based on their guest status.

Agree that they either need to be part of the family (including helping to tidy up after themselves, sticking to house rules and pulling their weight) or they are guests which means being less involved with all the day to day shit, but also not helping themselves to food from the cupboards and getting their washing done.

When they are somewhere in between, getting all the benefits of being a family member but also not having to pull their weight it is frustrating for everyone else and at least a 'thanks for having us' (not written though, that's weird!) shows some sort of appreciation for being looked after for the weekend.

To be honest I agree with most of this, I wouldn't have 8 months ago but I do now, and a father who has had trouble seeing his DC are even worse, they lean on you and expect your support until the kids come back into the equation and then you are dropped from a great height, they can then do no wrong and they are disney parented to make sure they love their father more than their mothers so to punish the mother for making them fight...JMO

I gave in and read the crap article. I wish I hadn't bothered.
She is bonkers - trying to be the opposite of his ex, making beds and filling the house with flowers!! And being so jealous that he had to speak to his dds in the car outside? She's unhinged, and him being a psychiatrist should have spotted that from the off!!!
No wonder his older dds don't want anything to do with her.

I think what's obvious is that these relationships between step parents/NRPs/the kids/the adults they become/the ex's are all so complicated and potentially a tinderbox waiting to combust. And most often (and I'm speaking as a step parent here and an ex-wife with a ds) we have no real idea of how it's going to pan out and are made powerless by the relationship the kids choose to have with you. Personally, as I've said, I think Anna Pasternak came across as pretty toxic and with so many insecurity issues of her own that her situation was going to be a play for power and showing that she was now, top priority.

In my own situation I can look back over 8 years and see clearly that I was not wanted no matter how I tried. The kids, sniffing a "weakness" in me (I just wanted to be liked and for it all to be OK) and exploiting their dad's willingness to overlook rude behaviour rather than tackle it appropriately (for fear they'd cease to visit) made my life a misery. We see little of two of them now and nothing of the other one who commenced what has felt like a war. Do I like her? No, not one bit. Do I miss the eldest sd? Absolutely. Am I completely powerless to sort this out? Yes. They hold all the cards because they are his kids. Nothing could have prepared me for this role and I really wish I was not a step parent.