I logged onto Mumsnet for the first time ever yesterday and actually, in a private moment, cried with relief that there are kind and helpful people out there as I read through loads of the threads on here. Apologies as I've not quite got to grips with all the acronyms used so will probably just type in full for now.
I just need some help. I'm 40 FFS and I've never felt so completely out of my depth.
I split up from my husband around 2 years ago. The divorce was finalised only a few months ago. No kids from that marriage (a conscious decision so no regrets there). In the meantime in April last year I met another man (who I will call my 'bf'). He has a 9yo daughter from a previous relationship (never married). He was very keen for me to meet her very early on. I actually met her when we'd only known each other for 3 weeks. I have seen varying views on this on a number of threads...
I should say at this point that his daughter is lovely and has never once shown any disrespect or rudeness towards me and will quite happily chat to me while we're in the kitchen baking, sorting hair for dance class, getting ready for school/work in the bathroom in the morning so no issues there either. I have also met 'the ex' who seems a reasonable and rational woman.
(And yes I realise while I'm typing this that I probably don't really have much scope for complaint, but...)
I moved in with him in October (and yes I know some will say that is FAR too soon). What I'm struggling with - and apologies if this post just descends into rambling - is his relationship / time with his daughter and with me. There are one or two occasions when things have really rattled me and I've ended up in tears, more due to my frustrations at myself for not being able to handle it - I've not thrown a massive strop (yet!!). His daughter spends around 2-3 nights a week with us and some time at the weekend.
The main points really bugging me at the moment are:
- is it unreasonable for me to expect maybe one night a week (or fortnight) when we have 'date night' to do something like a newly dating couple might? I'm very conscious that I'll never have that new couple type of relationship with him like you would if there are no kids. I don't mean going out for expensive meals it might even be a night in when he stays away from the garage and the bikes within it.
By way of example the other week he'd told me (told, not asked) when we were having his daughter as he'd arranged it with his ex. Not really that bothered so fine! As a result, I asked if we could go out on a 'date' (only to the bloody cinema) on the one night - Friday - that we had free and to ourselves as he had been busy doing other stuff the other evenings and the weekend would be taken up with those activities too. All arranged. Then at the last minute he decides he wants his daughter there on the Friday night as well, so we don't go out!! Grrrr. I just ended up sounding really childish and selfish by saying 'but I thought that was OUR night', a night HE initially chose to fit round his other activities and when he wanted his daughter. I appreciate that she is always going to come first but I don't know how to handle it.
- I feel somewhat resentful that I might be treated like a glorified babysitter. Another time he's played the 'I really want my daughter here I don't get to see her that much really' we had her overnight on a Friday and into Saturday and on the Saturday morning he asked if I 'wouldn't mind looking after her for a couple of hours or so as I want to go out on my bike with the lads'.
Surely if he wants here there, he should be there with her. Or am I missing the point?!?! HELP!!!!
My reaction (not handled very well I don't think) was to say no I wasn't going to stay and be a babysitter and if he wanted 'dad time' and 'bike time' then he had to work them round each other and maybe not go out in the bike gasp!!
Obviously if there was ever an emergency of course I'd look after her if necessary - that goes without question. My difficulty is how much I'm expected to just step in as almost a third parent and how much I should say 'not my responsibility - sort it out with the ex'.
I am completely new to all of this and feeling very overwhelmed. I have no close friends or family who have been through this sort of thing and I would prefer not to screw it up.
Any suggestions for handling/negotiating stuff like this would be very gratefully received.
And if you think I'm being ridiculously selfish (and yes I can see the fingers wagging with a 'you knew what you were taking on surely') then please say so.
Thanks.