Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Lady of the house

60 replies

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 07:55

Has anyone found themselves in a situation where you've suddenly noticed a dsc are taking over your position in the house?

I've been through a very rough patch of late, nearly splitting with dh (not just over dsc). We have talked a lot, agreed to couples therapy, but until we get that in place, both wrote down what would help the other.

Through this, I have noticed that my dsd and her actions have caused me a lot of upset. We once had a ver good relationship, and she still can be quite loving but now it's like she is the lady of the house? Dh recently told the dsc that a few rules will have to be put in place I.e no jumping on sofa, play fighting in front room and being overly noisy (they have a room for that). Dsd started being quite noisy and was told you can do that in your room, dsd said in front of me "you're only saying that because of MumsRush". It's that lack of respect that I'm even there! That's just one of many,she takes over dh, will not give me one moment with him.

Anyway, how do I get control back without her resenting me? I don't want to get to a point where I don't enjoy them coming, I've tried more one on one time with her to build our relationship back up but relies I also need to make myself heard. Any suggestions?

OP posts:

quietlysuggests · 14/01/2014 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 11:11

I'm not blaming her, only trying to make thing nice for ALL of us, I live here too! She's very confident and quite outspoken so I'm not worried about her feeling vulnerable here. My DH dose his fair share. He keeps the roof over our head and food on the table. He has his own company an works very long hours and has little time to himself. My job is looking after ds and the house (and in happy with that).

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 11:12

Sorry, what do you mean by how is my 1 yr old?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 11:16

Croquet, thanks for your post, can I ask, how long do I fall behind for? She doesn't remember her mum and dad being together so this is the norm for her. I encourage tune for then all together, I see it as very important. My dh would love me to be there all the time but I've said to him they should get time with him, and only him. I get that, if I was them I'd want the same.

OP posts:

croquet · 14/01/2014 11:18

I think whenever she visits just view it as if it were any of his family members or a close friend -- they want to catch up first and foremost and you join in where it's fun/appropriate.

purpleroses · 14/01/2014 11:24

If it's just been the last 8 months or so she's been clingy, then I would guess it could be a reaction to the new baby - and feeling she needs to cling on tight to her dad to keep him as "hers". Reassurance, yes, but complete indulgence and letting her rule the roost, no.

And if she's not getting to bed at a sensible time, then she's going to be more likely to be fraught and emotional the next day too.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 11:31

Yes, no more coming in and dominating the house. It's in all of our interests to re establish boundaries, it affects dss also if he's seeing her get all the attention, he needs time without his sister too

OP posts:

Xalla · 14/01/2014 12:34

My DSD is in bed by 8pm latest when she's with us. If she argues that she's not tired she's allowed to read in bed until 8:30 or if she's very lucky, she might be allowed to play on her PS Vita. Regardless, she's not downstairs any later than 8pm. I'd be very annoyed with DH if he didn't support me on that however little he saw her. The same rule applies to the other kids too. It's adult time.

Xalla · 14/01/2014 12:36

Sorry, should have said, my DSD is 7 too. And she's spent time with us consistently since she was 2. So it's a similar situation. She wouldn't get away with "you're just saying that because of Xalla". Well my DH wouldn't get away with letting her say it anyway!

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 12:44

Dh did pull her up when she said that, I have to give him credit, and he is starting to put his foot down with her constantly saying no when asked to do things (I do know all kids do that, it's dh who needs to enforce it). I'm glad to hear the bed time thing is not me being unreasonable

OP posts:

croquet · 14/01/2014 12:52

no - of course they've got to go to bed! Tbh it's part of looking after them properly. As with toddlers/babies older kids are awful if underslept.

Perhaps that's the single reason people have such problems with badly behaved DSCs!

And of course those very, very underslept ExWs

allnewtaketwo · 14/01/2014 18:10

"I think whenever she visits just view it as if it were any of his family members or a close friend -- they want to catch up first and foremost and you join in where it's fun/appropriate."

Croquet so DSD should be treated as a special guest in her fathers home, rather than a member of the family in her home?

croquet · 14/01/2014 19:07

I do feel differently about this than the majority of posters.

It's not always, in all situations, 'his dad's home' as half of the previous family home. Sometimes dad has made a new home i.e. in this post with a new partner. Often it's a new house. If they're only there once a fortnight tbh they don't live there, and so why not treat them nicely?

I do think they are members of his family visiting him, in the situation he's now in. Plus of course any new siblings.

allnewtaketwo · 14/01/2014 19:12

"Nicely" is different to special guest though. All members, permanent or temporary, should be treated nicely/kindly.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 19:21

So I don't count? They are not visiting me also? I do all the hard work with tidying, washing cooking. I play with them, bake with them help with homework, clean up sick, wash hair, I take dsd to the shops with me, make camps (then tidy that up)!

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 14/01/2014 19:25

OP the only way I found to survive was escape and detach. Still do it now. However much effort you put back in, it will always be worthless and your views undermined. You need to stop doing so much.

allnewtaketwo · 14/01/2014 19:28

DSS1 (now 18) was always and still is an "Im here for access, what can you do to entertain me" type. He wanted to be (and was) treated like a special guest. Now he's a dysfunctional young adult with no values, life skills or friends, who does not understand why the special guest status seems to have expired

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 19:28

It's so hard as when I've done that in the past, we have a situation that I'm in now. Boundaries have gone and dsd is taking over, best get my tightrope walking shoes out

OP posts:

FrogStarandRoses · 14/01/2014 19:31

mumsrush No, of course they're not! I learnt this one the hard way - even if you have an independent relationship with your DCs it is highly unlikely that they see you as a person - you are filling a role of Dads DP/DW and as such, your behaviour, attitude and feelings towards them are irrelevant to how they relate to you.

Despite all the advice and material regarding blended families and the importance of a non-resident DC being treated as part of the family, I think there are many situations where attempting to create that environment only prolongs and escalates hostility between separated parents.
Some Dads either have to accept a distant uncle role in their DCs lives, accepting they have no parental role, or be forced out and have no involvement at all.

croquet · 14/01/2014 19:43

Yeah I didn't quite mean they should be pandered to much more like if the dad's brother or neice or anyone visited on the weekend. They hardly want to be asked to do the hoovering do they?

They are visiting you MumsRush. I'm very much on your side and think the SM should be respected. It's your home. However to stay sane I would demote yourself to Dad's wife and stop doing all the cleaning/entertainment. Be civil and friendly and most of all let them have access to your DH. Just like if his brother/sis came to stay you'd probably go off and do the washing up so they could catch up.

I am thinking of stepkids above the age of 8 though.

croquet · 14/01/2014 19:46

I agree in the main with Frogstar but not totally. There's definitely scope for them to learn to love you as you and really be influenced by you. Most kids like this are still stuck in the shitty microclimate of their parents divorce, even though the parents have moved on. You need to try and stay out of that, just be super-tight with your DH and so you feel your strong relationship is the real backbone to everything you do.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 20:00

Thanks ladies, dh and his egf are ok with each other, the kids see them together at school events and pickups drop off's are fine. It was a joint decision to split so even though I'm sure the kids would prefer their mum and dad together, they see them both happy.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 14/01/2014 20:18

" much more like if the dad's brother or neice or anyone visited on the weekend. They hardly want to be asked to do the hoovering do they"

When BIL visits we make plz s around that, as he is a guest. That situation is simply not sustainable as a child gets older. It creates unrealistic assumptions and entitlement, not to mention resentment from other family members who by that definition get sidelined while the "guest" is entertained

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 14/01/2014 20:30

Fwiw, I do ask dss to Hoover. Not often but I do, I also ask them to put plates in dishwasher, set table and other little jobs, I get protests but I'm not their slave

OP posts:

purpleroses · 14/01/2014 20:38

If my 7yo neice comes to visit me I would still expect her to follow house rules and go to bed at a normal child time.
Having a 7yo up till the adults go to bed is not normal regardless of whether you consider her a household member or a guest

Flip

1 2 3