Lady of the house

[TheMumsRush]

Has anyone found themselves in a situation where you've suddenly noticed a dsc are taking over your position in the house?

I've been through a very rough patch of late, nearly splitting with dh (not just over dsc). We have talked a lot, agreed to couples therapy, but until we get that in place, both wrote down what would help the other.

Through this, I have noticed that my dsd and her actions have caused me a lot of upset. We once had a ver good relationship, and she still can be quite loving but now it's like she is the lady of the house? Dh recently told the dsc that a few rules will have to be put in place I.e no jumping on sofa, play fighting in front room and being overly noisy (they have a room for that). Dsd started being quite noisy and was told you can do that in your room, dsd said in front of me "you're only saying that because of MumsRush". It's that lack of respect that I'm even there! That's just one of many,she takes over dh, will not give me one moment with him.

Anyway, how do I get control back without her resenting me? I don't want to get to a point where I don't enjoy them coming, I've tried more one on one time with her to build our relationship back up but relies I also need to make myself heard. Any suggestions?

[TheMumsRush]

We live over an hour away, until we can move closer (and that involves DH's area based company moving) dh can only do eow. In the mean time, we have to make it work here. Ds is back in his cot when dsc are here, dsd is in bed by nine, dss (13) goes later. It's working so far .

[Svina]

Well done... It can be helpful to read other people's ideas.

You know EOW has got disadvantages as an arrangement.

I think it encourages children to see the weekend parent as a fun parent. The weekend parent does not have to do so much in the way of discipline, because school nights invariably require more routine. If your dsd is struggling to recognise your house rules, staying Over on weeknights might help her.

I think there are threads about the advantages of different visiting arrangements

[TheMumsRush]

I have shared some threads with him....the one about how relationships between sm/dp change when the dsc come. That helped as it was exactly how I was feeling. We spoke a lot after that, put some reasonable rules in (like bed time for dsd) and he shows affection towards me now when they are here.

[cappy123]

DSD sounds pretty normal to me, just responding to your DH and you. FWIW my 2penny'orth...

My 14yo DSD lives with us FT, she has lived with DH pretty much since birth. Her parents split just after she was conceived, although they have always gotten on which makes all our lives easier. Rather than having lived with both her parents, DSD has always known them to live separately and sometimes have partners. In fact I'm her 2nd stepmum (DH was married briefly when DSD was 2-4yo).

Despite all this - when it all emotionally hit the fan and she broke down with the realisation we were getting married, she was able to tell us that what she really always wanted was mum and dad together and married. This from a generally pleasant child, who kept urging us to get married much more quickly than we did. I get that. I'm a step child whose biological parents split before my birth. I remember wondering why they could get on, but not 'be' together. And I have a lovely stepdad, nothing against him.

I'm saying this help caution against under-estimating 2 things: 1) just how enduring an impact on children is their parents split (just ask any adult DSD trying to negotiate dad duties at her wedding): we can't assume that because their parents split when they were young that they are ever 'over' it; and 2) just how important and proactive the role of your DH is - which seems to be where your focus could be.

You seem to get on well DH - why not share some of this thread with your him?

[shey02]

True kids do need a degree of alone time to help them feel secure, however it is not healthy for them to have the power in the relationship, nor learn to manipulate. With the hostility, rudeness, etc, only natural your self esteem in this situation will be low because you feel on the outside, the villain almost... So it's up to your dp to do the 'parenting/enforcement of rules' and and give you some positive good vibes that are lacking with the dsc, which let you know that he appreciates your efforts (in a perfect world, lol).

Oh and earlier bedtime definitely, whether dc or dsc! Either that or I'd be going to bed at x time and leaving them to it... :)

[Peacesword]

I think the fact that the behaviour towards you has changed in the last 8 months to me indicates that its your ds's arrival that has changed things for her. I had the exact sane thing. My dsd was jealous (she now tells me as an adult) that dd had her mum and dad together, and jealous that my attention was divided between her and dd.

I think that sticking to boundaries is something that can give the message that she is loved and safe. No matter how much she kicks off. It's the absence of boundaries that causes problems IME. it's about delivering the message that she is loved unconditionally but the behaviour isn't ok. And IME that is really hard to get right as a SM, and can be a very long road. But it is achievable.

[davidbrentslovechild]

This sort of thing drives me batshit. I live with my DP. My DS lives with us full time, apart from one night per week when he goes to his dad's house.

His DD comes up to three nights per week to our house.

When she arrives it's like royalty has arrived. It's not her fault btw, she's a lovely girl. My DP talks to her and treats her like a VIP.

All of this would not be an issue except for the fact that my DP has no problem telling my DS to sit properly at the table (even if he isn't doing anything), tidy his room (even when his DD's room looks like a bomb has gone off), and all other manner of nit picking at my DS. It fucks me right off to be honest.

My DS is not perfect by a country mile, however he is a good kid, with nice manners. It seems as if my DP wants to 'parent' my child but he does not wish to parent his own child. He elevates her to an untouchable status within the house, to the point where I am becoming more and more resentful about it.

When she comes (she's 11), she leaves her stuff all over the house and her bedroom is a bomb site. She was rude and surly last weekend and my DP was pretending to be frightened of her moods. I would not dream of saying anything to her about any of this stuff, because she is not my child. However I do get annoyed at my DP for his double standards over the two children. They are not treated equally and unfortunately my DS is starting to see that DSD can do and say anything she likes in our house and no-one ever pulls her up on anything.

[purpleroses]

My 14yo DS shares with 11yo who has an earlier bedtime. DS simply gets into PJs at same time and then creeps in quietly later. Doesn't cause a problem

[TheMumsRush]

Do you mean dss might wake dsd up? The very few times she has gone to bed before dss she has not woken, it's not about that, she just wants to stay up with everyone else

[mynewpassion]

Correct me if I am wrong but you only have two bedrooms? When the DSCs come over, the baby sleeps with you and your DH, right? The 12year old DSS shares with 7 year old DSD. Maybe it might be a bit harder with differing bedtimes if he wakes her up.

[purpleroses]

If my 7yo neice comes to visit me I would still expect her to follow house rules and go to bed at a normal child time.
Having a 7yo up till the adults go to bed is not normal regardless of whether you consider her a household member or a guest

[TheMumsRush]

Fwiw, I do ask dss to Hoover. Not often but I do, I also ask them to put plates in dishwasher, set table and other little jobs, I get protests but I'm not their slave

[allnewtaketwo]

" much more like if the dad's brother or neice or anyone visited on the weekend. They hardly want to be asked to do the hoovering do they"

When BIL visits we make plz s around that, as he is a guest. That situation is simply not sustainable as a child gets older. It creates unrealistic assumptions and entitlement, not to mention resentment from other family members who by that definition get sidelined while the "guest" is entertained

[TheMumsRush]

Thanks ladies, dh and his egf are ok with each other, the kids see them together at school events and pickups drop off's are fine. It was a joint decision to split so even though I'm sure the kids would prefer their mum and dad together, they see them both happy.

[croquet]

I agree in the main with Frogstar but not totally. There's definitely scope for them to learn to love you as you and really be influenced by you. Most kids like this are still stuck in the shitty microclimate of their parents divorce, even though the parents have moved on. You need to try and stay out of that, just be super-tight with your DH and so you feel your strong relationship is the real backbone to everything you do.

[croquet]

Yeah I didn't quite mean they should be pandered to much more like if the dad's brother or neice or anyone visited on the weekend. They hardly want to be asked to do the hoovering do they?

They are visiting you MumsRush. I'm very much on your side and think the SM should be respected. It's your home. However to stay sane I would demote yourself to Dad's wife and stop doing all the cleaning/entertainment. Be civil and friendly and most of all let them have access to your DH. Just like if his brother/sis came to stay you'd probably go off and do the washing up so they could catch up.

I am thinking of stepkids above the age of 8 though.

[FrogStarandRoses]

mumsrush No, of course they're not! I learnt this one the hard way - even if you have an independent relationship with your DCs it is highly unlikely that they see you as a person - you are filling a role of Dads DP/DW and as such, your behaviour, attitude and feelings towards them are irrelevant to how they relate to you.

Despite all the advice and material regarding blended families and the importance of a non-resident DC being treated as part of the family, I think there are many situations where attempting to create that environment only prolongs and escalates hostility between separated parents.
Some Dads either have to accept a distant uncle role in their DCs lives, accepting they have no parental role, or be forced out and have no involvement at all.

[TheMumsRush]

It's so hard as when I've done that in the past, we have a situation that I'm in now. Boundaries have gone and dsd is taking over, best get my tightrope walking shoes out

[allnewtaketwo]

DSS1 (now 18) was always and still is an "Im here for access, what can you do to entertain me" type. He wanted to be (and was) treated like a special guest. Now he's a dysfunctional young adult with no values, life skills or friends, who does not understand why the special guest status seems to have expired

[allnewtaketwo]

OP the only way I found to survive was escape and detach. Still do it now. However much effort you put back in, it will always be worthless and your views undermined. You need to stop doing so much.

[TheMumsRush]

So I don't count? They are not visiting me also? I do all the hard work with tidying, washing cooking. I play with them, bake with them help with homework, clean up sick, wash hair, I take dsd to the shops with me, make camps (then tidy that up)!

[allnewtaketwo]

"Nicely" is different to special guest though. All members, permanent or temporary, should be treated nicely/kindly.

[croquet]

I do feel differently about this than the majority of posters.

It's not always, in all situations, 'his dad's home' as half of the previous family home. Sometimes dad has made a new home i.e. in this post with a new partner. Often it's a new house. If they're only there once a fortnight tbh they don't live there, and so why not treat them nicely?

I do think they are members of his family visiting him, in the situation he's now in. Plus of course any new siblings.

[allnewtaketwo]

"I think whenever she visits just view it as if it were any of his family members or a close friend -- they want to catch up first and foremost and you join in where it's fun/appropriate."

Croquet so DSD should be treated as a special guest in her fathers home, rather than a member of the family in her home?

[croquet]

no - of course they've got to go to bed! Tbh it's part of looking after them properly. As with toddlers/babies older kids are awful if underslept.

Perhaps that's the single reason people have such problems with badly behaved DSCs!

And of course those very, very underslept ExWs