Lady of the house

[TheMumsRush]

Has anyone found themselves in a situation where you've suddenly noticed a dsc are taking over your position in the house?

I've been through a very rough patch of late, nearly splitting with dh (not just over dsc). We have talked a lot, agreed to couples therapy, but until we get that in place, both wrote down what would help the other.

Through this, I have noticed that my dsd and her actions have caused me a lot of upset. We once had a ver good relationship, and she still can be quite loving but now it's like she is the lady of the house? Dh recently told the dsc that a few rules will have to be put in place I.e no jumping on sofa, play fighting in front room and being overly noisy (they have a room for that). Dsd started being quite noisy and was told you can do that in your room, dsd said in front of me "you're only saying that because of MumsRush". It's that lack of respect that I'm even there! That's just one of many,she takes over dh, will not give me one moment with him.

Anyway, how do I get control back without her resenting me? I don't want to get to a point where I don't enjoy them coming, I've tried more one on one time with her to build our relationship back up but relies I also need to make myself heard. Any suggestions?

[mynewpassion]

Correct me if I am wrong but you only have two bedrooms? When the DSCs come over, the baby sleeps with you and your DH, right? The 12year old DSS shares with 7 year old DSD. Maybe it might be a bit harder with differing bedtimes if he wakes her up.

[TheMumsRush]

Do you mean dss might wake dsd up? The very few times she has gone to bed before dss she has not woken, it's not about that, she just wants to stay up with everyone else

[purpleroses]

My 14yo DS shares with 11yo who has an earlier bedtime. DS simply gets into PJs at same time and then creeps in quietly later. Doesn't cause a problem

[davidbrentslovechild]

This sort of thing drives me batshit. I live with my DP. My DS lives with us full time, apart from one night per week when he goes to his dad's house.

His DD comes up to three nights per week to our house.

When she arrives it's like royalty has arrived. It's not her fault btw, she's a lovely girl. My DP talks to her and treats her like a VIP.

All of this would not be an issue except for the fact that my DP has no problem telling my DS to sit properly at the table (even if he isn't doing anything), tidy his room (even when his DD's room looks like a bomb has gone off), and all other manner of nit picking at my DS. It fucks me right off to be honest.

My DS is not perfect by a country mile, however he is a good kid, with nice manners. It seems as if my DP wants to 'parent' my child but he does not wish to parent his own child. He elevates her to an untouchable status within the house, to the point where I am becoming more and more resentful about it.

When she comes (she's 11), she leaves her stuff all over the house and her bedroom is a bomb site. She was rude and surly last weekend and my DP was pretending to be frightened of her moods. I would not dream of saying anything to her about any of this stuff, because she is not my child. However I do get annoyed at my DP for his double standards over the two children. They are not treated equally and unfortunately my DS is starting to see that DSD can do and say anything she likes in our house and no-one ever pulls her up on anything.

[Peacesword]

I think the fact that the behaviour towards you has changed in the last 8 months to me indicates that its your ds's arrival that has changed things for her. I had the exact sane thing. My dsd was jealous (she now tells me as an adult) that dd had her mum and dad together, and jealous that my attention was divided between her and dd.

I think that sticking to boundaries is something that can give the message that she is loved and safe. No matter how much she kicks off. It's the absence of boundaries that causes problems IME. it's about delivering the message that she is loved unconditionally but the behaviour isn't ok. And IME that is really hard to get right as a SM, and can be a very long road. But it is achievable.

[shey02]

True kids do need a degree of alone time to help them feel secure, however it is not healthy for them to have the power in the relationship, nor learn to manipulate. With the hostility, rudeness, etc, only natural your self esteem in this situation will be low because you feel on the outside, the villain almost... So it's up to your dp to do the 'parenting/enforcement of rules' and and give you some positive good vibes that are lacking with the dsc, which let you know that he appreciates your efforts (in a perfect world, lol).

Oh and earlier bedtime definitely, whether dc or dsc! Either that or I'd be going to bed at x time and leaving them to it... :)

[cappy123]

DSD sounds pretty normal to me, just responding to your DH and you. FWIW my 2penny'orth...

My 14yo DSD lives with us FT, she has lived with DH pretty much since birth. Her parents split just after she was conceived, although they have always gotten on which makes all our lives easier. Rather than having lived with both her parents, DSD has always known them to live separately and sometimes have partners. In fact I'm her 2nd stepmum (DH was married briefly when DSD was 2-4yo).

Despite all this - when it all emotionally hit the fan and she broke down with the realisation we were getting married, she was able to tell us that what she really always wanted was mum and dad together and married. This from a generally pleasant child, who kept urging us to get married much more quickly than we did. I get that. I'm a step child whose biological parents split before my birth. I remember wondering why they could get on, but not 'be' together. And I have a lovely stepdad, nothing against him.

I'm saying this help caution against under-estimating 2 things: 1) just how enduring an impact on children is their parents split (just ask any adult DSD trying to negotiate dad duties at her wedding): we can't assume that because their parents split when they were young that they are ever 'over' it; and 2) just how important and proactive the role of your DH is - which seems to be where your focus could be.

You seem to get on well DH - why not share some of this thread with your him?

[TheMumsRush]

I have shared some threads with him....the one about how relationships between sm/dp change when the dsc come. That helped as it was exactly how I was feeling. We spoke a lot after that, put some reasonable rules in (like bed time for dsd) and he shows affection towards me now when they are here.

[Svina]

Well done... It can be helpful to read other people's ideas.

You know EOW has got disadvantages as an arrangement.

I think it encourages children to see the weekend parent as a fun parent. The weekend parent does not have to do so much in the way of discipline, because school nights invariably require more routine. If your dsd is struggling to recognise your house rules, staying Over on weeknights might help her.

I think there are threads about the advantages of different visiting arrangements

[TheMumsRush]

We live over an hour away, until we can move closer (and that involves DH's area based company moving) dh can only do eow. In the mean time, we have to make it work here. Ds is back in his cot when dsc are here, dsd is in bed by nine, dss (13) goes later. It's working so far .