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Original poster

What do you think you mean to your DSC?

44 replies

FrogStarandRoses · 11/01/2014 08:02

Do you believe that you are an important part of their life, or are you - as I saw described on another thread yesterday - just background noise which they tolerate/accept with little attention?

I tried hard to find a role in my DHs DCs life, and I believed the people who told me they'd spoken highly/affectionately/fondly of me. We operated as a family - holidays, days out, meals together etc and DHs DD even worked for me for a while, but I now realise that I was never more than a passing acquaintance to them - I haven't made a lasting impression on their lives and after a few years of no contact, they probably won't even remember my name, I'll just be that woman their Dad lived with (and that their Mum didn't like) Sad.

I'm wondering if I'd have behaved differently towards them if I'd known - and was it a good thing that I didn't know?

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MuttonCadet · 11/01/2014 08:12

I think I'm an annoyance, I remind them of homework, make them eat veg, take them on educational trips.
No different to what most parents do, but without the familial bond.

I love them, and I want them to become adults that DH is proud of, I don't expect them to love me in return. And I agree, if DH and I split up my name would be forgotten in a couple of years (been in their lives 7 years now).

They are teenagers at the moment, so even their parents are annoying.

I think it's important not to expect too much from stepchildren (or over-invest).

ChasingSquirrels · 11/01/2014 09:23

Less than nothing I imagine.
I don't know them, they don't know me.
I assume they would prefer I wasn't in their dad's life.

Original poster
FrogStarandRoses · 11/01/2014 09:42

mutton you're certainly right about not emotionally investing - hard to do when you have to appear to be a loving, caring adult in their lives especially when they bring you their problems/fears etc, but inside, maintain an emotional detachment that they (the DCs) can't detect.

I think the other mistake I made was attributing my DHs DCs with the same level of emotional maturity and same values as I have instilled in my own DD. I believe that she has been more honest with me and my DH about her feelings towards him; she's never hugged him, for instance, and doesn't sign cards to him with love or display other similar superficial signs of affection. DHs DCs behaved in their words and actions as if they were fond of me, but it seems clear now that was disingenuous.

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 11/01/2014 10:06

I would say I'm "background noise" at best.

We don't share the same values at best we can somehow 'rub along' EOW. My method of patenting is alien to them as it is very far removed from that if their mother. Similarly I find their values and behaviours unacceptable. It works best when DSS1 is not around, or I just disappear out if their company altogether. And that's after 10 years.

FeelingTheFire · 11/01/2014 10:44

Hmm good question Frog!

With everything that's been going on in our family situation I don't think they'd miss me or their siblings if we were out of the picture. They've never said a bad word to me when I've been in their company. However, because of things that have gone on and how hostile relations have been between their parents, they probably do think they're lives would be easier (in all aspects) if we weren't around.

Nerfmother · 11/01/2014 10:51

I was married to a man with youngish children for about two years and had a baby (dd) who is their half sister. We stayed in touch after my marriage broke down, limited to birthday and christmas cards really and now they are adults dd is going to be a bridesmaid and I am going to the wedding this year. They visit when around and new dh totally understands their importance to me and dd. they are sort of like god children in a way, in the way that I feel about them? I am so lucky .

mouseymummy · 11/01/2014 10:55

I've just asked dd1 what her sm means to her (she's 9 and sm has been in her life since she was 3)

She says she is like a second mummy, like me but better Hmm she says because I do the day to dsy stiff I can be boring but her sm is more fun. She still tells her off and looks after her properly but she's still fun.

I asked that if her dad and sm broke up what would she want and she replied saying she would want to still see her and want to have a good relationship with her she wouldn't want to stop contact

colditz · 11/01/2014 10:59

Snack dispenser, provider of sausages, adjudicator of playstation controllers and delouser of reluctant scalps.

flowerpotgirl12 · 11/01/2014 11:13

I am basically their skivvy when here and suspect that if I were no longer around they wouldn't think twice about me again.

frugalfuzzpig · 11/01/2014 11:15

A lot, I think. I hope!

I suspect I mean more to one DSD in particular as she spends a lot more time here (they are teens so no formal access anymore, they just come over whenever they want) - so we naturally end up chatting more, we share a lot of interests, similar sense of humour etc and she has turned out much more similar to me than her mum. Odd considering she was much more resistant to me than her brother and sister, when we first met (11 years ago)

The other two, I don't know, we get on really well but I wouldn't say we are as close and wouldn't chat endlessly or anything.

I am the mother of their dearly loved little [half] siblings though so that's pretty important I guess :)

I do remember fondly one occasion before we were married when I went to see DSDs in a school show (now-DH couldn't go due to work) and my other DSD literally dragged me over to her teacher and said with a huge grin look look Mr X this is my stepmum! That was I think the first time I really knew they actually felt something for me rather than just tolerating me IYSWIM? :)

frugalfuzzpig · 11/01/2014 11:16

I think what really made the difference to our bond was when they started spending time with me without their dad (mostly when he was at work)

Eliza22 · 11/01/2014 12:03

I think I am just about tolerated at best, detested (by one) at worst. I have given up.

needaholidaynow · 11/01/2014 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anniepanniepears · 11/01/2014 14:37

absolutely nothing they refuse to talk to me and likewise
they are both in their forties btw and I have been married to their dad for 25 years (dont care anymore)

HerRoyalNotness · 11/01/2014 14:55

Nothing whatsoever. SC has just spent 10 days with us and I heard SC talk for a total of 10minutes, not to me, just in general.

But I am indifferent also, so fairs fair.

balia · 11/01/2014 15:41

My DSS told the Cafcass Officer that he considered me to be 'part of his family'. I cried when I read that. This despite the fact that his mother utterly hates me and he knew she would read it and give him hell. He is an incredibly special little boy. (He'd be annoyed about that, he's 11 so not little anymore!)

Mind you, I felt like crying when I read the thread referenced to above and all the small-minded, mean-spirited comments about there being 'no need' for step parents to be a part of DC's lives.

I don't think for one minute I'm alone in being an important part of DSS's life - my DD is still in contact with her SM, despite the fact that her Dad and SM are now divorced.

purpleroses · 11/01/2014 17:53

Pretty much what colditz said. Plus enforcer of "unreasonable" restrictions on computer gaming hours (DSSs) and taker on clothes shopping trips (DSD2). Taken for granted, certainly, but that's not really such a bad thing. I think it's what kids do really to take parents for granted, so it feels comfortable with the DSC too.

Eldest is a bit different - I think is pleased to have me around because she was lent on a lot before to help look after younger siblings, and DP sometimes too, so I think is genuinely happy for him, and possibly a bit relieved not to be needed so much. She sees me as someone who's friendly to her - a bit like an aunt or older sister maybe, but not like a mum.

AntoinetteCosway · 11/01/2014 18:08

My father married my stepmum when I was 11 and I'm now 30-it's their 20th anniversary this year. I love her to pieces and see her as a third parent and a grandmother to my DD.

SorrelForbes · 11/01/2014 18:24

I would guess that they are indifferent about me apart from when they want me to buy them things or take them on holiday

paperlantern · 12/01/2014 11:09

exp is still much loved even though dcs only have telephone contact since the split over a year ago. He sent them Christmas presents which they love and still has an impact on their lives because

exH wife is background noise. but she has made no effort to q

paperlantern · 12/01/2014 11:11

posted to soon. she has made no effort to be anything more. Neither has their dad for that matter

LouiseSmith · 12/01/2014 14:00

I'm a fairly new step parent. I met my DSD about 6months ago and we know line together, and it's lovely when she's hear. My DS loves her too. She's 6.

I spent the whole morning getting her hair ready for a party, and I love her :) xx

shey02 · 13/01/2014 09:58

:( Sadly, tolerated, disliked by one. Because I care for them and want to bond, I put up with it and carry on smiling. If I split with dp, I guess they would ignore me in the street as they do sometimes now, nothing more, nothing less.

croquet · 13/01/2014 10:04

That's a really nice story Antoinette

Foxsticks · 13/01/2014 10:17

Hope you don't mind me putting my two pennies in. I'm not a step parent but my Dad married when I was an adult. His wife is very much my family, we have a great relationship and I do feel she takes a mother and grandmother role to me and my dd. My own mother died four years ago so I often feel torn and disloyal feeling like that. I love her though and am positive we would continue to have a relationship if she wasn't with my dad for whatever reason.

My dad is stepfather to my two older sisters, he bought them up from a young age. He is most definitely their dad, they don't have another.

I wonder if we (my step mother an I) have that relationship because she didn't parent me as a child. Anyway I just wanted to say not all step parents are inconsequential.