What do you think you mean to your DSC?

[FrogStarandRoses]

Do you believe that you are an important part of their life, or are you - as I saw described on another thread yesterday - just background noise which they tolerate/accept with little attention?

I tried hard to find a role in my DHs DCs life, and I believed the people who told me they'd spoken highly/affectionately/fondly of me. We operated as a family - holidays, days out, meals together etc and DHs DD even worked for me for a while, but I now realise that I was never more than a passing acquaintance to them - I haven't made a lasting impression on their lives and after a few years of no contact, they probably won't even remember my name, I'll just be that woman their Dad lived with (and that their Mum didn't like) .

I'm wondering if I'd have behaved differently towards them if I'd known - and was it a good thing that I didn't know?

I am their father's wife. Their Dad and I have been together far longer than he and their mother were together. I'm also their younger sister's mother.

I think I am regarded as fairly consistent and reliable. They are adults but return when they are in the area. I continue to provide meals, a listening ear and advice when it is asked for.

I think I have a good and amiable relationship with my SC's. I liked the earlier comment about being taken for granted and agree, that in some ways that's a good thing - as it's what kids generally do! I think if DP and I split I would continue to have some contact with my SC's mostly to facilitate contact with DD as their sister.
We have a warm, but not close relationship. I think now they are older they appreciate a bit more what I have brought to their home environment whilst they were growing up (a bit more order, cleanliness and consistency).

I'm not with my dd's dad anymore but she does have a few siblings on his side I saw quite frequently.

The eldest is lovely, hes 14 and he saw me the other day hugged me a few times and said he wanted to come and see us. Does bring a tear to my eye actually that he does still consider me part of his family. He also fb's me now and again.

The next one down in age order would be happy to never set eyes on me again. Not that he hates me but complete indifference. Yes he does talk a bit but he's quite erm grumpy.

The other 2 are lovely, ones a right chatter box and quite huggy, the other ones lovely to, but we are not that close. If me and dd's dad had worked out I think we would of grown closer.

I wonder if its easier to get on with your stepdc and them to get on with you when you have a child with their dad?

I think dsd1 is uneasy about me because I think she senses I do a lot of tongue biting about her behaviour. Sometimes I can be pleasant to her, other times I have to detach to stop myself being nasty to her.

Dsd2 likes me but I don't think she would be too devastated if I just cleared off tomorrow. I live with her full time. However I don't think she would want to live with her mum again and I worry what would happen to her if dp died.

Dss hasn't bothered to have any contact with me, dp or ds for nearly two years. I am really angry that I included that boy as part of my family and treated him well and he's just upped and left. I'm really angry on behalf of ds who dss didn't leave alone for a minute when he was with us! Then he just cleared off without a word leaving my ds to live with even more rejection on his life.

Dsd4 is probably quite attached to me, she won't really remember too much before I was around so I am very much part of her life.

Redhen as your "story" seems to have things in common with my own, can I ask, how old are your steps? And, how do you deal with the rejection? I have been devastated, angry, indifferent and devastated again, by turns!

Sorry OP....hijacking in progress [embarrassed]

!!

I don't have a SC, but as someone whose parents both had various partners and one SF I can tell you that it HUGELY depends on the behaviour of the adult.

My dad had two long term girlfriends that I was very, very attached to. I still have contact with one. They were both kind, understanding of my mixed emotions towards them (its hard not to feel disloyal to a parent when you like the person who has taken their place in your child's eyes) and patient. They let the relationship grow slowly and never tried to be my fathers favourite.

my Mum had only one boyfriend that I can remember, who then became my SD. He went all out to get me to oike him at first. huge bags of sweets, overly nice etc...once he moved in he revealed his true colours. He was an emotionally unstable control freak who lied to my mum about me to put a wedge between us and fully succeeded. He died a few years ago and it has taken DM and I years to strip down and rebuild our relationship. I didn't cry or mourn for him when he died. I was actually relieved that I might have a relationship with my Mum again. Not proud to say that, but its honestly how I feel.

I think the sc/sp relationship is the same in SOME ways as any other. You be out what you put in. Though you do of course have the other parents attitude to contend with.

That's interesting attack

Was your mum always pleasant / indifferent about dad's girlfriends? I imagine that's what makes the difference...

I think my dss hates me and my dsd blows hot and cold - sometimes I'm in her favour sometimes I'm not. This hurts me a lot and I think I'm on the brink of taking my dcs away on the weekends the dsc's come here. I think they would get better quality time with their dad and my nerves wouldn't be shredded and my self esteem would be more intact due to no open hostility.

My mum was brilliant I have to say, but then my dad was too. My sbro and ssis had the mother from hell though, they hated my mum as a consequences of her lying and stirring things.

Eliza, the ages of the dsc start at 18 down to 10 years old.

How do I deal with the rejection?

It's hard, mainly because everyone else is so concerned with the relationship between dp and dss or dss and dsd who lives with us. Social worker couldn't even get ds name right and she barely spoke to me and yet we are just as affected as blood relatives if we all live together!

As step mum and step brother we are just supposed to take it in our stride.

I sometimes want to scream that "we have feelings too".

I am very lucky to be a SD who adores her SF. He and my DM only met when I was 20 and already lived with DH so he never had to parent me as a child/teenager.
I haven't had any contact with my birth father for about 5 years, so I would think that plays a part, he has never met my DS and my SF (who I call dad) is the only grandfather he knows.
My dad's tells people that he has a daughter and 2 sons, he makes no differentiation between us.
He is very special to me and I love him and my 2 SBs very much.

I think if I dropped down dead tomorrow they wouldn't bat an eyelid.

10 years on, we had a good relationship when they were little, now they're all teenagers (eldest 17) they couldn't care less. However, I know for a fact that their mum has told several lies about myself and their dad over the years (in particular when her 2nd marriage broke down).

The eldest sits in my living room tweeting that i'm a bitch and she wishes her dad would leave me. We have barely spoken a dozen words to each other in the last few years. (For what it's worth i'm not a bitch, I enforce the same rules to everyone living in this house, my own ds, ds with dh and the sdc's).

If DH and I split up I don't want to see them ever again.

It's very nice to read a few really positive comments from adult step-children here. A lot of the time I don't really know what they think of me - I'd be very pleased if they were to write things like that in years to come :)

I think as 'stepmoms' we seem to take the punishment, the frustrations and anger from the exw, the dsc and the dp who trys to keep the kids happy as he is afraid to lose them. It's a balancing act and my experience at the moment is that I'm on the outside. And they forget I exist inbetween visits.

I think DSD and I are close and have a bond of sorts, she is very affectionate with me and being surrounded by boys she likes having a female around to do the girly stuff with. She doesn't get a lot of attention at home and likes being the baby and the only girl at our house.
DSS probably sees me as he does his friends' Mums, he likes me(I hope!) he is pleasant and chatty to me but if he never saw me again I don't think he'd be too bothered but I may be wrong. However he adores my two boys and they are like best mates so I think he would definitely miss them if the worse were to happen.

And from the other side of the coin, speaking as a step child, I detested my step mother (Dad's OW) and she hated me too. It was a case of jealousy on both sides and I was glad to see the back of her when she left him.
But my stepdad is totally different. I love him almost as much as I loved my real dad. He has been in my life for 25 years and I have so much respect for him. He refers to me as his DD and my dc as his grandchildren.

Do you want some good news? I had a massively ambivalent relationship with my stepmother, from the age of 7 and I still don't feel that she is my parent, or that she loves me in the same way that she does my birth son. If you'd asked me at seventeen, I wouldn't have thought we'd have anything to do with each other once my father died.

But - I am now in my forties - we still have a relationship, three years after his death, in which we've put all that behind us. She will never be like a mother to me, but she is a fantastic granny and will always be in my family's life as a result.

It's absolutely lovely to read the success (or partial success ) stories on this thread. Makes me sad though, it could all have been so different .....