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SKids and BioKids

29 replies

TwoLeftHands · 06/01/2014 11:20

How many of you were a step mom before you became a mom? How did life change? Do you think your partner is closer to your biokids than your stepkids? Or does he give all his attention to the stepkids when are present? How is the relationship different?

OP posts:
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FrogStarandRoses · 06/01/2014 11:58

twoleft The terms skids and biokids usually turns this board into a fight club - they are terms that a lot of nonstop mum users of Mumsnet find offensive.

Bio kids are referred to as DCs, and skids as DSC, here.

mumtobealloveragain · 06/01/2014 12:18

Really? I don't see the difference. It's just a different way of abbreviating the terms isn't is and both make it clear which children are yours/your partners. Why is it offensive?

stepmooster · 06/01/2014 12:25

I've seen users berate anyone for calling DSC Skids, they think that if you use that abbreviation then I assume they believe we are referring to DSC as skidmarks, or something. Or that is what I assumed when the hoo-hah kicked off last time.

To answer OP, I was a step mum before I became a mum. I do think DH still can't get away from having to 'do something special' for DSS when he comes over, and then leaves the next weekend for chores. I hate it, and I think our children will start to wonder why fun only happens when DSS is here. They are a bit young at the moment to notice.

So I am forcing DH to do fun things with our little ones when DSS is not here, and likewise mowing the lawn (not in this weather), housework and nipping to B&Q can still be done when DSS is here.

Kaluki · 06/01/2014 12:27

I think its more the term Bio Mum which causes offence as it belittles the role of Mum.

I don't like 'skids' much it seems a bit derogatory but I wouldn't flame anyone for using it.

WaitingForMe · 06/01/2014 12:30

Skids is a horrible word. It's like saying Paki is short for Pakistani and not offensive.

I have two DSSs and one DS. DH and I both love them all equally but differently. We're just a family. Not everyone lives here all the time but that's the only thing that changes. When we're all here all kids have similar rules and levels of attention (DS is a baby but DSSs understand that his needs are more urgent but not more important).

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 06/01/2014 12:48

Yeah I made the mistake of saying skids on here and instead of answering my question everyone had a go at me which was helpful.
With regards to your question every dad is different so it all comes down to the individual. Some lavish the same attention on both and some can't be bothered with either. I made the decision to not have anymore kids when I remarried because I didn't want all that trouble. I have kids of my own and I didn't think it would be fair on them. My husbands ex has had kids with her new partner and my step kids love their siblings but already can see they are treated differently not just by the partner but also by their mum. It's actually really sad.

AddictedtoGreys · 06/01/2014 13:04

I was pregnant when I married my DH (not a shotgun wedding Shock ), but we were together almost 3 years before we married. and my DSD is almost 6. so I suppose I was a step-mum before mum sort of!

anyway, my DH treats both kids the same. my DS is only a baby so needs more from him, but my DSD is understanding and wants to help with my DS more than anything. she can get a bit jealous sometimes and try and do things to get DH's attention. but whenever playing with DSD he always tries to get DS involved. he just loves it when the 4 of us are together and 95% of the time work well as a family Smile

TwoLeftHands · 06/01/2014 13:55

I didn't realise it was such a big issue saying skids. Its just am abbreviation like telly to television or aussie for australian. I think people shouldn't look too much into it.

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catsmother · 06/01/2014 14:09

The OP has clearly written capital S, then capital K, then "ids" in her thread title - which, to most sensible people, would indicate that "S" is an abbreviation for something - in this case "step". Indeed, in her actual post she only writes "stepkids". Furthermore, the way she's written it, indicates that if (and it's unlikely) she were ever to speak it out loud she'd say "ess kids" as opposed to "skid", i.e. so there's no intention of any offence.

I do understand though that she would probably get flamed. Sometimes I can't help but feel there's a certain sort of poster just waiting for a stepmum to put any sort of foot wrong just so they can be pounced upon Hmm.

Personally, I don't find "skid" offensive - though to avoid all possible connection to dirty pants (if that's what some people want to imagine) - I'd be more than happy to use "SKid" - as the OP has done. Though I don't because I'd prefer not to be criticised for something which was never my intention. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I'd never used the term myself (except as an abbreviation) with any derogatory thoughts whatsoever. I do feel it's very different to a racist term like "Paki" .... you would need to have been living in a cave for a very long time not to realise that most people find that extremely offensive, and it's a term which is (sadly) often more or less spat out with scorn, disgust and aggression in the tone of those who still use it.

The "skid" term is one I have only ever seen written down within specific stepparenting forums (this one, and a couple of other, membership only forums). I have never heard it spoken in real life, would never use it in actual speech (because in real life you tend to refer to your stepchildren by their names so there's no need) and, most importantly, it is NOT, so far as I'm aware said with any implied negative intent .... it's simply a hell of a lot quicker to type than "stepchildren" is. Yes - some posters use "DSC" - but (at the risk of a thunderbolt dropping on me for being such a wicked stepmother) - some of us don't, I'm afraid, actually feel that our stepchildren are that "dear" to us and would therefore feel uncomfortable using that term. Some of us have been actively prevented from establishing a normal healthy relationship with those children, so don't really know them all that well. In other cases, the children themselves refuse to come to our homes - or even see their own parent - so again, "dear" might be inappropriate. Other stepparents have more serious reasons not to feel their stepchildren - at this present moment in time - are dear to them at all. It's wrong, IMO, to try to make all stepparents use an abbreviation that doesn't actually reflect the situation they're actually in. Unfortunately - not all of us have the "dear" blended family we'd ideally want!

Anyway - to protect myself I usually type out "step kid" now - but I'm afraid it does annoy me given I never intended any negative connotation previously in using a shorter abbreviation. Maybe it's how the word "skid" is used within your own family ? ..... it's not something I'd ever use, for example, to any child I was speaking to about ensuring they were careful with personal hygiene.

Besides all that, sorry OP, for having gone off track somewhat. Just annoys me that when someone has the temerity to do something "wrong" on this particular section of the site, it's that which is so often picked up on while the OP's real reason for posting - often when they're clearly in some distress - is totally ignored.

Back to the point ...... I was the mother of a stepchild long before I became a stepparent myself .... just to twist your question slightly. I therefore very naiively (as it turned out) thought I had a pretty good handle on blended families as my ex, his new wife and myself had an honest and respectful relationship in regards to my child - and when I met a man with kids imagined that I "knew" more or less, what it'd be like. I was very wrong. My partner is much closer to his older children than he is to my oldest and I have absolutely no problem with that - I have only ever asked, of any partner, that they treat my child with respect and kindness .... I certainly don't expect the same bond between a parent and child to automatically also apply between a stepparent and their stepchild. What does make me very upset - and often very angry too though - is how my partner sometimes quite often appears to favour his older kids above his/my/our youngest. It's borne of course, out of fear - of loss of contact - and is also a reaction to years of shitstirring by his ex who prefers to "get" at her ex rather than see her own children are happy and confident. Unfortunately though, because of all the crap they've been fed, DP now often feels he has to "prove" that he is a decent dad - and again, because of the (questionable) values they've been brought up with, this often manifests itself in double standards and Disney-Dad syndrome - because his older kids believe (conveniently for them) that normal discipline is "proof" their dad "doesn't care", as is any failure to spend money on them, keep them perpetually entertained and so on.

If you spoke to DP he'd insist he treats all the children the same - as most people would. But the reality is different. It's very hard - and I feel I'm fighting fires on a regular basis to try and smooth things out and ensure that all the children are treated fairly, without causing a row.

FrogStarandRoses · 06/01/2014 14:27

Other stepparents have more serious reasons not to feel their stepchildren - at this present moment in time - are dear to them at all

Hence why I now refer to my former DSC as DHs DCs now. Their Mum has assertively and repeatedly corrected DH in front of her DCs when he or they have referred to me as their stepmum - so in some cases, even the use of DSC/SM causes offence.

As for the OPs origional question, my DH is a lot closer to my DD than his own DCs but that is through circumstance, rather than anything else.
DD lives here 50% of the time - whereas, DHs DCs currently have no contact, and any he has had over the last 4 years has always been overshadowed by their Mums disapproval.
I am incredibly lucky that he is a fabulous stepdad to DD - I just hope that she doesn't lose him as a consequence of his DCs demands.

purpleroses · 06/01/2014 16:01

DP and I were both parents when we met. That has the huge advantage that we both understand what a huge part of life each other's DCs are.

We have the DSC every weekend, and mine with us most of the time. No, my DP is not closer to my DC than his own. I think he would resist ever becoming closer to them and would always want to be closer to his own. I'm closer to mine than I am his too, so it seems reasonably balanced.

I think having your own DCs helps you understand and relate to children, but also limits how close you can get to the DSC, as you don't want to make your own children jealous. My DSC also see me as "DS/DD's mum" rather than their own (step) parent, I think.

StandingInLine · 06/01/2014 16:26

I was a "stepmum" to 4 kids before I became a bio mum. I don't see my step kids as my own kids and last time I put this on here I got moaned at for it even though everyone in our situation is more than happy with it ,that includes the kids themselves ,their mum ,my partner etc... It might help that they're older so are mature enough to understand that. I treat my kids differently to them but not in a way that impacts them. For instance, I don't restrict my step kids in any way ,they abide by the same rules as my own and my kids aren't favored in this respect. I will also do their washing an cook for them of they're with BUT I won't mother them. They have a mum for that who lives 5 minutes up the road and even when they're staying with us they pop in to see her often and vice versa.
When I first fell pregnant I hadn't been In their lives as much as I let partner have his time with his kids ,their bio mum ,partners ex ,started panicking thinking things were going to change drastically ,that I'd take over as a parent to her kids and that partner wouldn't be able to pop round to hers etc...
However ,3 years and 2 kids on ,not a lot has changed. I get in well with kids ,all the kids get on well (including partners ex's kids who are the same age as ours ) ,partner still pops over regularly etc... He parents them exactly the same ,spends exactly the same on them at Christmas and birthdays and I've never noticed any favoritism. I suppose if there's a big age gap between the two sets of kids then their individual needs could be misconstrued as favoritism - for instance ,a toddler needs a lot more attention than an older kid (keeping an eye on them ,feeding them etc...).

I think the only way there could be a difference in parenting between the two sets of kids is if their partner demands it. Partner has always said he sees his kids equally ,and doesn't see them differently just because they have a different mother.

Xalla · 06/01/2014 16:34

I was not a mother when I met my husband. We got married when I was pregnant with our son. We've had another 2 children since then.

His daughter (my DSD) was born after a very brief relationship and he spent the first two years of her life fighting for decent contact hence he missed most of her infancy. To his credit, I'd say he treats all 4 of his kids the same regardless of the fact that he missed out on early bonding with DSD and regardless of the fact that she's only with us part-time. I think he's fortunate in that all the kids are relatively close in age which makes it easier for him to treat them all fairly.

needaholidaynow · 06/01/2014 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush · 06/01/2014 16:46

I was a SM before I had my own sd. My dh sees and treats them all the same. I would deffo have somthing to say if he left all the boring stuff to non contact weekends! We also do things when we don't have the dsc....why should ds miss out!

needaholidaynow · 06/01/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoLeftHands · 06/01/2014 18:05

I guess I just find it hard to understand relationships and bonds with children as I don't have my own yet. Dp has never done any real parenting with his existing children as a result of having them part time from so young. He's never had to do potty training, nappies, sleepless nights. They come to our house with an overnight bag, we play with them watch dvds and then they go back home. Of course they are his children but he doesn't raise them, he gets novelty time. I tend to think of it as when I used to stop at my grandmas as a child. Loved her dearly but she was an extra if you like and then I returned home. I just find it hard to understand how you can have the same relationship with children that you will raise and live with and the ones who basically stop over at your house.

OP posts:
MojitoMadness · 06/01/2014 18:10

I was a stepmum before I was a mum. DH's relationship with DSD and dds 1&2 is exactly the same. He is very hands on with all 3 of them. DSD is grown up now, I hope he has as great a relationship with the dds when their adults as he does with DSD.

FrogStarandRoses · 06/01/2014 18:41

I just find it hard to understand how you can have the same relationship with children that you will raise and live with and the ones who basically stop over at your house.

If/when there are other DCs in the house, then often, the non-resident DCs aren't treated this way. Rather than be a leisure activity, Dads is a family that the non-resident DCs are a part of, all be it, part time.

WaitingForMe · 06/01/2014 19:12

Maybe because we don't see them as stopping over? My DSSs live here, I help raise them and we are a family. Sometimes they aren't here because they're at their mum's house but we're still meal planning and doing their laundry and saving for their future.

It's a glass half-full/half-empty situation.

TwoLeftHands · 06/01/2014 21:37

Thats the thing we don't do any of their laundry or everyday things, their mum does everything. So soemtimes it does feel like we're glorified babysitters. That's a horrible thing to say but sometimes that's how it feels.

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WaitingForMe · 06/01/2014 22:57

That has to be difficult. My DSSs have chores, complain of boredom (usually related to chores) and generally have a normal life here. I think it's probably easier moving between one and three kids when the pace of life doesn't really change.

It's why I often think I love them equally (but differently). They are all equally dirty, messy, noisy... Wink

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 06/01/2014 23:09

I'd never even gone out with anyone with kids properly before I met xp
Well, I had, but not for long enough to make any difference, the two girls my short relationship had were lovely, older teens, their parents had split a long time before but had remained friends, and they accepted me as I suppose you would a friend.
That's the difference I suppose between the breakup that led to your partner being free to date you, being well handled, and what Xp had, which was a fucking car crash and all I can say is that I wished I'd walked away then, like I often felt like doing, instead of being a dumb stubborn arsehole and hanging in there 'for the sake of giving the kids a decent relationship model' as it turns out, he was so rotten to the bloody core, I spent most of the time teaching him to be a half decent parent, and bringing them up properly, a losing battle on both counts considering they're all so damaged, and that I only had them here eow.
I simply didn't see it because I was in the middle of it, but now, on the outside, I can see how much of a waste of time it's been.
I wouldn't do it again if you paid me.
It's also caused so much crap in my own life (it's been like dropping a pebble in a pond and the resulting ripples have been the effects) and those effects will probably be long and far reaching.
I am amazed when I see good sp relationships with kids, with exdw, and I think how hard it must have been, how much effort on all sides to get to that point, and how beneficial it must be the the most important thing, the kids in the middle.

FrogStarandRoses · 07/01/2014 00:35

Thats the thing we don't do any of their laundry or everyday things, their mum does everything

If you have a read of some of the posts on the Lone Parents board, you'll see that sending back dirty clothes after contact, not having toys/bathroom accessories/toiletries etc for a DC is one of the things that Mums resent most about their DCs Dads.
Admittedly, there are a few Mums (like my DHs ex) who fly into a rage if their DCs do anything remotely 'day to day' when their with their Dad, but generally, it is better for the DCs if they relate to both their parents in a normal, everyday manner rather than seeing one parent as 'the fun one' and the other as the 'boring discipliarian'.

TwoLeftHands · 07/01/2014 11:33

I agree frog it shouldn't be like that but our situation just has moulded like that. I wasn't a step child so we just dont know what the norm is.

OP posts: