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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you consider your skids as part of the family?

43 replies

TwoLeftHands · 30/12/2013 22:08

Some women do some women don't. Does it depend on the contact arrangement or do you just don't see them as a member of the family? I understand my skids are my dhs children and my son's older siblings but as we only see them two days a week and they don't live with us, it's hard to see them as a part of our family. Even my dp refers in coversation "the three of us".

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Beamur · 30/12/2013 22:12

I think you're right - it does vary.
In my experience I always referred to my SC's as DP's kids for many years, but quite often now I will say we have 3 kids between us, or even just that we have 3 kids. They feel more like family now but DP and I have been together for 10 years and the kids have always spent 50% of their time with us.

Now as they are older and both away at Uni, it does feel like we've become a smaller family and the dynamic is different. But I think this would be the same with a non-step situation too.

FrogStarandRoses · 30/12/2013 22:26

I used to.

DH and I have tried relentlessly to ensure that his DCs weren't left out, and felt as much a part of the family as my DD (who is here 50% of the time) does. We holidayed together, had special traditions and routines, had responsibilities and jobs as part of a team, plans for the future, space and freedoms in our home.

It didn't work. Their mum openly contradicted DH in front of the DCs and professionals - in her opinion they are not part of DHs family and the DCs are too scared to contradict her.

My DHs DS recently completed a piece of schoolwork in which he was writing a recipe for "a happy family". Against the prompt Leave.... (such as leave to rise, leave to marinate, leave to cool) he had written Leave out the Man, he's done his job. DH saw it at a recent parents evening. The school photocopied it when DH asked for it

Recently, I often said to DH that his DCs will always be a part of this family, but that his ExWs DCs can't be. His exW wont accept that the DCs can be both - so unless they choose to defy their Mum, we won't see his DCs again.

They're not my DSC anymore.

Beamur · 30/12/2013 22:29

FrogStarandRoses that's really sad.

Brokenpurpleheart · 30/12/2013 22:34

I always say that we have two boys - one is ours and one DHs. It has never occurred to me that he is not part of the family - but there are times when he is with us and times when he is not.

WritingBlock · 30/12/2013 22:47

I do - even though there can be weeks with no contact. DSC are here tomorrow night as it goes. They will always be part of my family - they are my children's siblings. They're not here every week as their mum likes to chop and change to what suits her and there are times both DH and I wonder when we'll be seeing them next. Taking them on holiday is a no go as ex doesn't want others to "see us as a family" (her words).

I feel sorry for them as they have to tread on eggshells when it comes to both parents. They seem frightened to say too much to DH when here in case it causes upset and it's the same when with Mum. DH often tells me that he notices a huge difference in how the kids behave when on the phone to him compared to how they are when they're in his company.

Despite all the drama that's often thrown in I still consider them very much part of our family set up.

MuttonCadet · 30/12/2013 22:51

They seem frightened to say too much to DH when here in case it causes upset and it's the same when with Mum. DH often tells me that he notices a huge difference in how the kids behave when on the phone to him compared to how they are when they're in his company.

Most definitely this is the case for my DSC. I do count them as part of my family, as do my parents and aunts / uncles / cousins, but DHs XW is deeply unhappy about it.

stepmooster · 30/12/2013 23:09

I view DSS as part of our family. I am not sure he views us as the same. For instance he can't remember when his little brother was born.

He did take some of his Xmas presents home, usually he keeps both worlds separate, so maybe there is hope.

Philoslothy · 30/12/2013 23:11

Yes he is part of our family.

TheNightIsDark · 30/12/2013 23:12

Yes. We were saying today that it's only started to feel like Xmas today when everyone has been under one roof.

It's like someone is missing the rest of the time. Which they are, obviously, but you can feel it.

ChasingSquirrels · 31/12/2013 09:06

No. I have only met one v briefly by accident in passing and not met the other. We have been together a couple of years and living together a year.

Bonsoir · 31/12/2013 09:08

Definitely part of the family. DD has never ever seen herself as living in anything but a family of five.

sparklesparkle · 31/12/2013 09:25

chasing how have you managed that?! Are they grown up?

ChasingSquirrels · 31/12/2013 09:29

Not by choice.
DP's ex wife wont have them anywhere near me and the children either agree with her or arent prepared to go against her.
DP sees mid-teen every week or so, meal or cinema or bowling.
Older teen now at uni, but less contact.
He messages with both of them.

theredhen · 31/12/2013 09:41

I have mixed feelings on this one. Dp seems to think that we are not a family if his kids aren't with us which annoys me because it's not ds fault I chose to be with dp and he has step siblings who come and go. If ds isn't here, we are not less of a family just one short on our family. No different to one child being at a friends for the day.

In my opinion step families take many shapes and forms at different times.

fubar74 · 31/12/2013 09:46

My DC were my DH's DC until his DS came back after being taken away for 3 years and poisoned, now he has his DS and I have my DC, its sad but blood is thicker than water and although I thought I had something special with him (unlike others who have been part of our lives) he proved in the end that this is never and will never be the case!

SpocksThirdEar · 31/12/2013 23:10

Yes, they are definitely part of our family. Though they are adult now and we don't see them as often my children are always excited to see their siblings (we've never called them half-brother/sister)

Even though they moved to the other side of the country years ago we always kept in close contact. We have had our ups and downs with their mum but she has never ever said anything against DH to them, nor us about her to them.

It makes me very grateful for the effort DH and his ex have put in to making their relationship with the children work.

I should also point out that DH's children were very young when we got together so they have grown up with me being part of their life.

SparkleSoiree · 31/12/2013 23:22

I used to view my stepchildren as part of the family, including them in all key events through the year and booking our annual holiday abroad to include them until something horrible happened between my eldest SS and my youngest DD. I have struggled to get my head around things since and despite DH trying to maintain contact with them they have told him they don't view US as family, never have and don't want to ever see us again. (They have an adopted sister and a bio sister living here too.)

If people ask I saw we have 5 children between us.

I used to post a lot on other sites in support of step families, offering advice and guidance on how to move things forward positively but I can't do it anymore, our famliy is a huge mess up now.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 01/01/2014 00:48

Sparkle, sadly I can empathise with you there. It's very similar to my situation
It's the worst thing watching kids grow up, then losing them in part, to losing them altogether.
Especially through something you can't believe has happened.
I don't view them as part of our family. If anyone asks, I say I have four children.
Feel for p or exp as it's standing at the moment due to above situation (with no sign of that changing in the near future) but his oldest had already written him off due to years of being poisoned, and the others, one refused contact after he stopped being a Disney dad and she didn't like it, the other (allegedly) abused my youngest DS and this is a very recent occurrence one I am still struggling to get my head round.

I'm an adult, I class myself as welcoming and loving, inclusive. If I get back with exp, his daughters would be welcome here but I doubt that will happen .. And his DS .. Well after hearing what my son has said, I hope I never see him again.

willyoulistentome · 01/01/2014 01:35

There's 9 years between youngsters sds and my ds1
My 2 dss see themselves as siblings of the 3 elder step kids. They worship them. But my adult step kids could'nt give a monkeys about my two boys. They are adults now we only see them if they want money from dh.
Personally, I don't consider them family and would not miss them if I never saw them again.

Xalla · 07/01/2014 06:13

I consider my DSD to be part of 'our' family I suppose but not really part of 'my' family. She's obv part of my DH's family and part of our other kid's families but not necessarily part of mine. A bit like I consider my DH's siblings and parents to be his family.

Petal02 · 07/01/2014 10:45

This was an issue for us over the Christmas holidays - DSS was home from Uni, staying at his mother's house. DH insists he has a key so that he can come and go from our house as he pleases "because he's a member of the family" but then insists that during his visits we all sit in the living room together, all watching the same TV programmes and then all going to bed at the same time at the end of the evening "because that's the right way to treat a visitor" - I think DH wants to cherry pick the best parts of "family" and "visitor", but that just makes life confusing.

Kaluki · 07/01/2014 12:17

I do. The longer I know them the more I consider them family.
My DC see them as family too and I love watching the way their relationship is developing into a real sibling bond. Especially the way DSD (9) is beginning to look up to my DS1 (14) and constantly seeks approval from him and the way my DS2 (10) and DSS(12) can set each other off into hysterical giggling fits with just a daft look or a word. (Although after a while that does get quite annoying!)

CountryGal13 · 07/01/2014 12:38

Same as Xalla. They want to be a family with my husband and our lo but they don't want me. They think iruined their relationship with their dad and their mum encourages this view. Not the ow btw, they just dont want to share their dad with anyone.

Loveineveryspoonful · 07/01/2014 14:19

It took me years to realize what countrygal13 has put in a nutshell. They're happy to see their dad, they've bonded incredibly well with ds, who's always wanted siblings, but would v obviously prefer it if I were to disappear (to cook and clean and/ or serve them hand and foot...).
I do realize that their mum has put a lot of stupid notions into their heads (unfortunately not paranoia but feedback from conversations dh has had with them and their mum) and their hearts are closed.
I have spent years of my life making a home for all of us and there is no rational explanation for their callous behaviour.
I know it isn't "me", ds has always had a lot of friends, we jokingly dubbed his closest as foster kids as they'd love to stay overnight, call me "mummy etc when they were little, loads of chatting to me, asking advice sometimes now they're older. One has just invited himself to come on holiday with us!
I'm now going to move on and respect the fact they don't consider me family and give my all to those who do.

annielouisa · 07/01/2014 20:13

I am step mum to adult DC and nanny to their 10 DC I have never really had to deal with their mum as they lived with us full time for most of our marriage and then they left to set up their own homes.

I love them all and also have 2 DD who are older. Life has not been perfect it has had ups and downs but that has not been about step parenting which I have found a privilege. We do not actually use the word step we are just mum and dad.

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