Do you consider your skids as part of the family?

[TwoLeftHands]

Some women do some women don't. Does it depend on the contact arrangement or do you just don't see them as a member of the family? I understand my skids are my dhs children and my son's older siblings but as we only see them two days a week and they don't live with us, it's hard to see them as a part of our family. Even my dp refers in coversation "the three of us".

Some sad stories here.

I've been with DH for 9 yrs now. Four of those as his wife. We met years after his ex's affair which devastated him and ended their marriage. I loved the idea of gaining 3 step kids and the fact that my only child would have step siblings. The sad truth is, they never wanted us to join their family. They're all adults now and nothing's changed.

Our family (and I'm not proud, saying this) is DH, ds and I. His 3 are people who come see us (and despite the grievances, I still try, for his sake, to welcome them) every now and then, one of them hasn't set foot in our home for over 2 yrs, so unhappy was she that dad had a girlfriend and married her. Sad. Very sad.

Yes, of course. They've been a pruned nearly five years though, and are only eight and ten. It would be weird if I didn't.

I certainly don't bother with nicey nicey like I do with my children's friends - I treat them like my own children, not like guests .... I suspect they'd rather be guests, as guests don't get dishwasher duty!

Oh LoveInEvery that's such a sad situation. You're right to accept and move on though (and maybe NOT wait on them!). It says much more about them, than you.

Depends on the context. My DH and I have 6 kids, aged 10-20. We don't differentiate between which are whose when they're here, unless it specifically involves their other parent or home (e.g. relating to parents' evenings etc or arranging holiday switchovers).

Mine live with us full-time so we often do things as "the 5 of us". They visit their father alternate weekends and 50% of the school holidays. My dh's kids have the same arrangements with him, officially, although they often have sports events, trips with friends etc so the schedule is more flexible, but we regularly have weekends and holidays with all 6 (plus the 20yo's girlfriend he now lives with), or any combination of them.

They all get along great and refer to each other as their brothers and sisters.

My kids are also about to get a half-sister as their father's new partner is due any day now. She's really lovely and I'm happy to know my kids are being loved and cared for on their weekends away from me. As long as we avoid discussing anything financial in front of the kids, XH and I get on fine now. We even attend our kids' sporting events, dance shows etc together, with our current partners, which I know my kids really appreciate!

XH and I failed to make our marriage work, but I like to think we've made a success of our divorce

Ooh, thanks LoveInEvery! Don't mind if I do partake as just having a coffee

I met my DH online. We lived 100 miles apart so, "dated" for 4 yrs. I too am saddened that despite their protestations of "we're glad dad's found someone!" the dsc can't bring themselves to be an active part of it (or even look remotely like they're happy). I think youngest took it badly when her sister actually quite liked me!

scurries away after sly hijack, clutching cake

Same as Colditz, DSC are part of the family and all the children get treated the same.

My DSC are treated as my own children whilst they are with us. I do everything for them that I do for my own. DP treats my children as his own too and we have one child together, who the children refer to as their sibling not half or step anything.

Our household is busy and only works because DP and I do not differentiate between the children. If the DSC are here and DP is at work then they are with me and my responsibility- during the holidays we all do days it together even if DP is at work.

I often do the school run for them as they go to the same school as my children (something we arranged to assist us in working as a family unit). I go to parents evenings with DP and attend school events, make play costumes etc- basically all the things I do for my own kids.

I know lots of SM's on here have the complete opposite of how we work things, but I don't think it would work for us any other way.

My DSC are most definitely part of our family. They are treated the same as my son and everyone in the family is treated equally. We holiday together and they are with us as much as they are with their mum. I have special days or activities with each from time-to-time - cinema, panto, play gym, etc - as I do with my son and they both love having an extra parent (their words not mine). Their mum doesn't much like us being a family (this is not the set up with her partner, who doesn't appear to want to spend time with the kids), but it's what my DSC have wanted from the day we met. It would be terribly hurtful to them if they weren't part of our family and at the end of the day it's what works for them that works for us :-) DH and I know we're very lucky as it's not like this for everyone.

No, I don't, i see them on average every 4 months, when they were younger they visited every 6 weeks. To me they are DD brothers and my DH kids. But they are not my kids.

Yes. I think the fact that SD has been in my life since very young helps. She can only ever remember that she has 2 families, Mum and her boyfriend and Dad, me and her 2 brothers. We don't always get to do things with her as a family because she is sometimes stopped from attending them but she is definitely part of our family.

She's 6 and I'm dreading it as she grows up because she's starting to notice Mum's hostility towards Dad and us and I think it's going to shape her feelings of whether she is part of our family.

For me its hard to see them as family as we only have them 4 nights out of the month. It'd be easier if it was 50/50 but dp and I know its not going to happen. So when its only one night a week it feels very much like childminding. I do wish we could have them more.

No - they are both teenagers but are still so wedded to the rota that it's just not a normal family situation and I don't consider them as part of the family. Imo family members are integrated in the family values, joining in family events, and seeing family as family regardless of the date in the calendar. To DSSs we are clearly dates in the calendar.

Twolefthands. That's sad I know if also struggle with a relationship with my step children if we only had them 4 nights a month. Can't you have them more?

No – they are both teenagers but are still so wedded to the rota that it’s just not a normal family situation and I don’t consider them as part of the family. IMO family members are integrated in the family values, joining in family events, and seeing family as family regardless of the date in the calendar. To the DSSs, we are clearly dates in the calendar

I can totally relate to this, as it was just the same in our household until DSS went away to Uni. The rota was far more important than any family life/activities/occasions, even to the point that DSS used to visit us when we were out, just to ensure rota compliance. That is NOT normal family behaviour. Can you imagine me visiting my Granny, knowing she’ll be out, just so that I could say I’d spent ‘x’ amount of hours with her this week??????

I think my dsc's think they're only a family when they're at their dads.

He does all the fun stuff, no rules, and has the large extended family and all the events to go to.

We do doctor, dentist, homework, parents evenings, exam revision, relationship counselling etc.

Maybe when they're older they'll see us as the family 'rock' and dad as the family entertainer.

It's hard when everything that happens at his is a bundle of laughs. Last week he fell asleep at the wheel on the way back from skiing and veered into the oncoming lane, kids older cousin grabbed the steering wheel. The kids think this is hilarious.

Christ! ShesYour that's dreadful.

DP and I don't live together, I usually spend one day a week with his kids (& mine) and he spends an extra 2-3 evenings with mine.

When we all went on holiday last year people would stare at us and say "5 children?! Are they all yours?" and it always made me smile that DP said "yes, we've been busy" rather than explain which ones belonged to whom.

I made him a gift for Xmas with all of our names on it. I was a little bit sensitive that his ex might find it odd having my name and her kids' names all muddled up together, but we feel like a big family even though we're not always together.

I wrote my dn a birthday card today signed from all 7 of us.

So I suppose yes although I'm enjoying a totally kid free night tonight, hooray!

And our DDs have called each other sisters since the first few times they met!