Any one else feel second best?

[Stepprincess]

I live with my 11 year old sd full time, she sees her mum maybe once or twice a year so things on that front are easy to handle. My DH and I are young (if she were mine I would have been a 15 year old mother) and I'm finding it increasingly hard.

We have lived together for 3 years now and I find it challenging to know that no matter what, she will always come first in DH's life in any scenario. She has lied outright to both of us frequently and he always takes her word over mine, its only when she totally blows her cover that he will stop to believe me but he forgives her anyway unless she lies only to him.

I understand he has a paternal love for her and I feel very left out as they are close and always emphasise this whenever I'm around. I was hoping she would grow out of it, but she still gets grumpy if he holds my hand and not hers or sits next to me not her etc. I dont know if its her age, but I recently got concerned when she wanted to take his shirt with her when she went to stay with her grand mother as opposed to a teddy. I dont know if its normal to feel jelous of thier relationship. I frequently feel like the other woman, and its hard to get adult time alone without feeling guilty. She was even invited on our 3 year anniversary dinner last week, and was hugely jelous of our 2 day honeymoon.

She is a good girl and I acknowledge that the transition must be hard for her too, but I just want to know if any one else ever feels jelous or like an outsider. Any support may keep me sane!

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I think your feelings are quite normal, as, probably, are hers. I do think some boundaries would help - ie you can go out sometimes on your own with your dh, and your dh should be the one to tell her. Do you have anything you could share with her alone? Go shopping? Take her swimming? Help her with her hair? What is your relationship with her like apart from the mutual jealousy?

And what's the background? Why does she onlyl se her mum so infrequently? Hard for a little girl to grow up feeling rejected by her mother.

I was in your 11 year old step-daughter's position at the same age, except that I didn't live full-time with my step-mum. Even so, I found it extremely hard to bear that someone who wasn't my mum had taken over my dad, in my eyes. Girls growing up really really need their fathers, and, yes, it can be a very exclusive relationship. Any move you make to come between them can only make her resentful, and could have a negative influence on how she grows up. You've done your growing up and she needs to be left in peace to do hers under the best possible conditions. Having said that, I can see things from your point of view, and have watched my step-mother going through the same. You need to be really grown up to deal with this, and your step-daughter isn't yet, so it's up to you! Take comfort from the fact that they are two completely different types of relationship.

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I can because I've seen it. But I do think step-parents should walk into these relationhips with their eyes wide open, understanding how easy it is
to damage a step-child, especially at such a vulnerable age, and realising that they will always be expected to put the children first, whether they're their own or not. I was a ginger one!

"she sees her mum maybe once or twice a year so things on that front are easy to handle"

For you maybe. Pretty hard for her I would have thought.

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I think that your all being very hard on her for having these completely normal feelings of jealousy and of feeling second best. it's a horrible feeling. I am a step parent to a 3 year old and i find it increasingly hard to not feel like a third wheel. I often feel that my partner doesn't want to spend alone time with me incase it upsets his daughter, which frustrates me alot because i do sometimes feel that although i love my SD and i wouldn't change her for the world i do feel as though i fell in love with my partner not his daugter and i do think that sometimes people do need to remind themselves who they fell in love with and that sometimes you need to put your realtionship first.

What i think that people forget is that parents
who have children together have the time before they decide to have children where they spend all their time alone together, where they meet each others families and go on romantic holidays together but us step parents don't get this time together alone because as soon as you fall in love with them, thats it we become overnight mums and dads without any previous experience or help or advice. It'scary and it's hard work! Harder than having your own child even, because you never know where you stand because you never know how much authority or say you should have in that childs life.

i think is completely understandable to feel these feelings because its not just about looking after someone elses child because we fall in love with these children as if they were our own and it's so hard hearing from them that they want to spend time with their daddys and not as a family unit with us because it makes me feel particuarly as if i'm an outsider in my own family, in my own home. But i love my SD and my partner so it's one of those problems which will never go away and i'm afraid we just have to ride out the storm!

Hello, I'm new to this so bear with me as I'm not up to speed with message board etiquette...

Unless you're a stepmum, without your own children, I dont think you can fully appreciate the feelings and emotions that step-parenting brings with it. And its all very well saying you should go into this with your eyes open, but nothing can prepare you for it - I thought I knew what was involved but I was miles off course!

I'm a step-mum (part-time)to a 12 year old girl and I still find it really hard, 9 years in. I think if you've not got your own children its difficult to accept/be fully at ease with other people's taking such a central part in your life - as they've come from decisions you've not made or been party to or are in control of - so in that way you're an outsider from the start.

The only advice I ever got which I found helpful was 'if you're not ready to have your own children then why would you be ready to have someone else's'. It wasn't said to me in a defeatist sort of way but meant more along the lines of don't beat yourself up about it. I could go on forever but I'll sum up with - its ok to think like this but try not to dwell on it or it'll eat you up

I should have probably just watched from the distance for a bit longer before butting in - sorry

Very well said ailsanimi

And no need to apologise for posting, you're not butting in

I thought about this a lot as at some point my children are likely to have a step parent. I try to avoid going out with men who haven't had a child because I don't think you can fully understand the overwhelming love and sense of self sacrifice a parent has for a child, the fact you would die for that child. Until you give birth or as a father hold your own child I don't think you can understand that all consuming selfless love. It's why we put up with babies waking every few hours all night for years and don't kill them in the process and why we tolerate teenagers who swear at us and test us to the limit (that is normal teenage behaviour by the way and hard for even natural parents to tolerate).

So that puts me off non-fathers, may be wrong but this thread doesn't make me think so. How could a step mother take on my children easily. How could they understand about not being able to watch news at 10 because MTV is playing or even want the fact a child comes first? Message of single women - pick men without children obviously. It is likely I might be a step mother some time and I'm sure I'll find it hard but may be not as hard as if I didn't have children already.

Anyway my sympathies go to anyone having to deal with those issues.

The 11 year old taking the shirt sounds weird. A girl who doesn't often see her mother who is only 11 is bound to have problems. She should probably be with her mother. She'll be having periods soon. I hope it's been agreed e.g. who is going to explain those sorts of things to her.

I think her relationship with her mother might be really key here. And think the shirt thing is quite strange, too.

I do think that she will always be first in his life and think it's really important that this is never pushed to the test, so you've got a really tricky job of balancing a fine line.

Your DH needs to hear how you feel about not having any 'quality' time with him (but I would avoid the 'she's always there' bit if you can) and how you would really appreciate his support over a number of things and, therefore, his help in developing your relationship with his DD. Ultimately, the better your r/ship with her, the happier she will be, even if she doesn't realise it (yet!).

She may need a change in role from you; if she doesn't see her Mum often and therefore there is no-one to do Motherly/nurturing role for her, you may need to step in and she may feel a real internal conflict with wanting to have a good relationship with you and wanting her Daddy all to herself.

Sorry if waffling (am not step-parent, but had variety of my Dad's girlfriends after my Mum died, so understand the bit about missing out on the 'normal' motherly things)

i am a step mother to a 16yo boy. he lived with his father form the age of 3 and with us when he was 11 he has vey little contact with his mother. one of the hard things is that as the child is not yours you see every little fault that there is. in your own child i think you gloss over them. i can understand the lying. my ss has continually lied and dh would not believe him until for example other parents arrived at front door to tell us things, school informing us about issues. again i feel that you never think your children lie. as for second best yes i have felt like that dh not prepared to do things with us but when ss wants someting dh jumps. guilt has alot to do with it and although it break up was not dh fault he feel guilty about ss formative years. i have not dealt with these isues well but none of us whether biological or step parents are prefect whe bring up children hth.

Xenia I agree with every word you said

I wish I'd have thought like that before I met my DP but I love him too much now to leave him

Having said that, it's not so bad, just lots of the things you said about teenagers...

I totally understand you feeling jealous, I have a 13 year old SD. My situation is different in that I have 2 younger boys of my own who live with us and SD lives with her Mum and visits at weekends, but when she visits I do feel like I'm being shoved out. I could never tell my husband this as I know its unreasonable but you feel it nevertheless.

All kids push the boundaries, whether with their own parents or step-parents, but when their parents are split they do gain control by making the parents / step-parents feel guilty as well. You just have to keep talking to him and try not to let the resentment build up. Easier said than done I know!

Sorry not much help, but sometimes its good to know other people feel the same as you (even if they don't like to admit it!!)

xx

Xenia I think it's very much down to what the person is like, not whether or not they've had children as to whether they'll make a good step-parent. I didn't have a clue when I first met dsd and when she came to stay. I was really nervous about how I was going to cope with a 5 year old around the place, I wasn't used to children. However, it just all seemed to come naturally, and I've never resented dsd being around the place, I get really excited when she's due to visit and miss her when she's gone. It was pretty much like when I had dd and mothering her coming naturally. I honestly don't think I would have found it any easier looking after dsd if I had already had dd.

I really like that comment, ailsanimi "'if you're not ready to have your own children then why would you be ready to have someone else's". I think that's very true. In my case I was never sure (still not) if I wanted to have children and drastically underestimated how hard it would be being a stepmum. I think it is a lot harder for those that don't naturally assume they will have children or desire having children.

Having been to child mediation service re: DH very complex past family relations (!) it was pointed out that DH and I have to 'maintain' our relationship to the very best of our ability.In other words that step-kids would be even more screwed up and insecure if our relationship was not solid.
It does any kids, step or otherwise no good unless there is clear boundaries set and I think that their perception of what goes on around them is vastly under-rated i.e.they sense all!

We are not martyrs, we are human beings and if our needs are not being met how can we function fully as loving parents or should we just pretend? reading stuff such as 'Raising a Daughter' Elium & Elium, or was it 'the secrets of happy childhood' Stephen Biddulph, I'm sure I read that it is really important for young women to know what their relationship is with everyone, to know where they 'stand'.To make them feel SECURE. It sounds a bit confused in your household,like she is in charge & thats just too much responsibility for a little girl.She needs to feel secure and that she is being looked after in a loving environment, not that it's her in charge in competition with you! How exhausting is that?
Also (sorry to go on a bit but it is a current issue for me too all this & I'm desperately trying to figure it out) You are effectively her mother figure now and what messages is she getting from you? It's ok to be pushed out? It's ok to be 2nd best? It's just normal for women to swallow their feelings and be dictated to by a man ( & their child) ? It's ok to be lied to? NO NO NO I say!!!!!I'm sure there is much paternal love but where is the love to the wife?
My heart goes out to you and it sounds like you put up with a lot....more than I could.Stand up for YOUR SELF or Worse case senario is that the little girl will grow to a manipulative insecure woman and we don't want that now do we?

I have read all this with interest and some trepidation. I have no children of my own and am about to become a full-time stepmum to a 13 year old girl, who will also only see her mother once or twice a year once she comes to us. She has lived with her mother all her life up to this point and seen her father every couple of months at the most (and in the last 2 years only twice a year). I am so looking forward to it, but the issues raised here make me rather nervous!

I think it was very unfair to say that us childless women should pick childless men?! As we all know if we could choose who we fell in love with it would make life alot easier for us 'childless' women too!!
Every situation is different but being a stepmother is very hard. You have to accept so many things , and are expected to treat the stepchild as your own which I always do. I have a sd who is 7yrs, we get on great, she loves spending time with me and her dad and we all have a great time most of the time, but when something goes wrong or sd is upset or theres an issue that needs to be discussed us steparents are cut out of the picture, as ex wife says it her and dh disicion, when sd upset she wants her dad or mum, I obviously understand that this is the way it should be and is completely natural but it doesn't stop the hurt inside. The feeling of exclusion, rejection, it doesn't matter what age you are its still not a nice feeling to have to deal with.
I think the majority of steparents deserve a bit of a break!

Just to add - I have no children but we have been trying for 2 1/2 yrs with no success, we have had all the tests done with normal results and have been told that it probably done to stress. I'm sure there are many like myself and I just want people to understand that not all sp are awful some of us care and love our family unit. For me seeing my dh and sd knowing i have 'unexplained infertility' is like a knife cutting ! But I continue to support my sd and dh as I love them both.

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