Any one else feel second best?

[Stepprincess]

I live with my 11 year old sd full time, she sees her mum maybe once or twice a year so things on that front are easy to handle. My DH and I are young (if she were mine I would have been a 15 year old mother) and I'm finding it increasingly hard.

We have lived together for 3 years now and I find it challenging to know that no matter what, she will always come first in DH's life in any scenario. She has lied outright to both of us frequently and he always takes her word over mine, its only when she totally blows her cover that he will stop to believe me but he forgives her anyway unless she lies only to him.

I understand he has a paternal love for her and I feel very left out as they are close and always emphasise this whenever I'm around. I was hoping she would grow out of it, but she still gets grumpy if he holds my hand and not hers or sits next to me not her etc. I dont know if its her age, but I recently got concerned when she wanted to take his shirt with her when she went to stay with her grand mother as opposed to a teddy. I dont know if its normal to feel jelous of thier relationship. I frequently feel like the other woman, and its hard to get adult time alone without feeling guilty. She was even invited on our 3 year anniversary dinner last week, and was hugely jelous of our 2 day honeymoon.

She is a good girl and I acknowledge that the transition must be hard for her too, but I just want to know if any one else ever feels jelous or like an outsider. Any support may keep me sane!

Thanks - giddy1. Sorry for my rant but I am dealing with a situation at the moment and I'm afraid when I read the comment posted on this thread that 'childless women should pick childless men' it just sent me over then edge!!
My sd is allergic to dogs she develops severe eczema all over her body. Shes lived with a dog since she was born, he died a few months ago and it was then we discovered her allergy as her eczema completely cleared up (it was so bad her bed covers would have blood all over them in the mornings), now her mother has just bought her a puppy!! Its so hard caring for a little person but having no say what so ever.

Help me, I never post on sites but I have been reading all the messages here in the hope they will reassure me. I just feel more confussed than ever! My little boy and I moved in with my boyf about a year ago. He is brilliant with my son in so many ways, tries v hard in bonding with him and supporting me. BUT he is becoming increasingly jealous of my relationship with my son. He is stricter than I am (and I don't think I'm a pushover) but instead of disciplining my son himself, he'll tell me to do it. All he seems to do lately is criticise my parenting, or my son's behaviour (he's a normal 4 year old in my view but boyf thinks he has behavioural 'issues') which I again feel ultimately as a criticism of me.

My boyf lives for our time alone together saying exactly what others have said here - that we never had a proper relationship as he inherited my child from the outset. And I believe how difficult it must be to take on someone else's child. But I dread the weekends where the 3 of us are in the house together ? he inevitably ends up angry because my son takes most of my attention. He says it isn't normal for a 4 yo to demand so much of his mum's attention.

We have talked about getting married and having our own kids (I love him and desperately want things to work and have more children), but now I'm wondering if this will help (ie he will understand the biological parent/child bond) or make things worse (my son will seem like a monster compared to his 'perfect' offspring).

Aaaaah! I don't know what to do!

thanks for the advice - I've done that

Hi there,
I do feel like second best to my SD - I have tried to explain this to partner who is an amazing man - everything I ever hoped for but I feel resentment that I miss out on "couple time" - we are young and more in love than either of us could ever imagined or have experienced with our ex's. I love SD but I think it is true that sometimes the love of your life needs to be your no.1 priority - I am scared and confused that when we are pregant the gloss of first born will have been used up for my partner and that SD will continue to be priority 1. I hate myself for thinking this way - I'm jealous of a 3 year old and her mother for having so much intimate time with him. Our life and calendar revolves around what ex and SD are doing and I really do feel like a third wheel in what is soon to be a marriage. Is the only way to deal with this to ignore these feelings and sacrifice my wants as a young woman in love to keep SD and partner together and happy? I know it is but I wish sometimes things were different. I've cried myself to sleep 4 nights in a row now and feel terrible. You can never choose the person you fall in love with and I know you need to accept them as they are but jeez its hard feeling like the odd one out in every aspect of your own life. Phew! Sorry to rant - thanks Stepmums out there - P.s you may see alot of me - I moved away from my friends and family to alow partner to be closer to SD and have been feeling very very down and lonely. Take care xx

I know how you feel ... a relentless millwheel of resentment that leaves you feeling like a horrible person most of the time because the little people in your other half's life seem so disproportionately important. There's no easy fix to this. Even having your own child together doesn't make it any easier. In fact, if you don't find a way of getting to grips with the problem, you will start to say 'You love her more than you love him (or her), etc., and this can have a really corrosive impact on your relationship. My situation, briefly, is slightly different from yours. I met the love of my life (although I knew him 23 years before) when I was 38. We met up twice, decided we loved each other (and we do), and I upped sticks and moved back home after a 25 year absence. I'm now 41, he's 48, and we have a 23 month old boy. Trouble is (and I know how crap this sounds), he's got four children from his previous marriage. The youngest is now fourteen and the eldest is twenty-two. They live over a 100-miles away, so it's not like they're in my face the whole time, but the feelings you describe are exactly the same as mine. You always feel that he would drop everything in a flash to be with them. The problem is, that having a child of your own makes you realise how much you adore them, and how impossible it would actually be to put your partner first. You can't come first ... not in the way you imagine. You have to change the way you feel about it. His feelings for you are for a grown woman who he undoubtedly loves and wishes to have a permanent relationship with. His feelings for his daughter are different, and unalterable. Due to the anonymity of this website, I'm prepared to state that in my situation, I think it's the ex who's more of the problem ... but only in my own head. I manage to convince myself, especially after a bottle of wine, that the reason he loves his kids is because he still loves her. There is a part of the female pysche that is not good at step-parenting. Men are generally better at it. Don't beat yourself up, but be strong and concentrate on doing the right thing. Eventually I feel sure that the feelings will go away, and as the children grow, you'll gain a healthier perspective on your position and status. It's TOUGH being a step-parent and anyone who says it isn't is lying!!!

You are so right reluctantpubcleaner . I hate to admit it but the reasoning behind my occasional feelings of resentment are exactly as you described. Deep down somewhere I am convinced that because my dh has shared this 'wonderful' experience of having a child with this women and that he loves his daughter so very much he really still loves her too. I know its ridiculous as he tells me how much he despises her and wishes they never actually had gotten married etc, and I know this is the case, but like you say after a few glasses of wine your mind starts to play tricks. What I find so very hard also is that we have been trying to conceive for almost 3 yrs now with no sucess, and are booked in for IVF in nov/dec. But my aching for a child and my failure to conceive makes seeing dh and sd together so much harder to swallow. In fact all afternoon today my stomach has been churning. SD is due tonight, my p arrived yesterday and I'm just struggling to cope with everything at the moment. Posting on here though always helps, so thanks for listening.

Nelli30, I do so feel for you. Generally speaking, most men (and I don't mean all), are pretty noble creatures at heart ... so if your dh is telling you that his relationship with his ex was miserable, etc., then I would be inclined to believe him. And we all know (those of us in this situ), that we'd all take a dim view of any dh who didn't love his child. It's a Catch 22 alright!

I don't know if this will help, but struggling together to conceive, going through IVF together with all the heart-stopping moments that that entails, is just as likely to build a powerful intimacy between you than creating a new life with ease.

I'm not the best person to discuss with you the problems of IVF because I haven't gone through it, and it would be really cheesy of me to say YOU CAN DO IT, GIRL! because I've known friends who didn't, and couldn't. That said, I am going to think about you every day and will keep my fingers crossed for Nov/Dec - beaming powerful positive thoughts!!!

Good luck for tonight! Put a smile on, slap some lippy on to go with it, and try to remember that many of the problems we encounter in life come from our own heads ... and nowhere else!!!!

Take care of yourself XXXXX

Thank you all for your responses. I found myself at rock bottom last week and things were as you say just so tough. On Saturday I think out of exhaustion I sped around the house cleaning as SD and DP were due home and then just cried and cried until i couldnt cry anymore - Then I got up and started to focus on SD and DP - I have been more upbeat this weekend and really trying to move those thoughts to the back of my mind. I know SD is here for good and that love or hate the situation I love her dearly and her daddy. I have decided to see a counsellor in the hopes for some "dealing tools" as I know while I feel good today those feelings are never gone and if I am to make my marriage and step-motherhood (and hopefully) motherhood work I need to address it all. Thank you all for your help / support... I am sending my thoughts and love to you Nellie30.