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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My ex has gone ballistic

30 replies

Fooso · 20/11/2013 14:00

For my DS I've always tried to have a good relationship with my ex - to the point where I was still lending him money very recently etc, He picks my son up every fortnight - nothing much in between (no calls etc). It has become quite tense when in the house when my ex comes in to collect DS as DP doesn't like him. Ex has let me down on money before and DP feels that he should do more with my son. DP has never said anything but when my EX comes in the house to pick up my son I find it quite stressful. My EX and I have been arguing quite a bit recently over money too. DP and I, and all our kids, have just bought a house together and we're moving in next week. I emailed my EX and said as my DS is now 14 I think we can have a bit more space and when he comes to pick up DS he can call him directly and DS will come out - I said we both deserve some peace and I think this will help. He has gone ballistic - "I'm not sitting outside your house like a lemon cos your boyfriend has no bollocks"..! So, what, you don't see your DS unless you can come in the house? I can just see my poor DS suffering...

OP posts:

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 20/11/2013 14:04

Your ex has no right to come into your house. Ever. If he wants to throw a tanturm about things, that's his problem. If he refuses to see DS as a result - it's sad but your DS is at leat old enough to see that your ex is being a twat.

Original poster

Fooso · 20/11/2013 14:06

Thanks Hells, I've bent over backwards so that my son can see us having a good relationship - I don't think it's unreasonable what I'm saying. I just don't want the stress of it anymore.

OP posts:

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 20/11/2013 14:06

Can he not just ring the door bell and wait at the door until your son os ready and then they both leave? He doesn't need to come in the house at all tbh and I don't understand why you have allowed that. Make sure your son is ready and waiting to go before your ex gets there too.

Original poster

Fooso · 20/11/2013 14:09

I've allowed it as my DS liked to see us chatting together - but I think you're right I should've put a stop to it.

OP posts:

coppertop · 20/11/2013 14:12

Your ex sounds like a dog trying to mark 'his' territory.

Your ds is old enough to understand that grown men don't get to have their own way just because they are having a tantrum.

Cluffyflump · 20/11/2013 14:21

Your ex obviously has no right to enter your home.
I'm a bit about how your relationship with your ex has changed since your DP has been on the scene.
If it was working having your Dss' DF in and chatting, then why is your DP causing tension?
Your ex is not a saint (borrowing money), but it's looking to me that your DP is 'marking his territory' here and that is controlling behaviour.

purpleroses · 20/11/2013 14:46

Can you offer to drop DS at his house instead? Then you could have a more relaxed chat as you won't be stressed about what your DP thinks.
It is nice to have a little chat about the DCs with your ex if it's amicable and a shame if you could be on those kind of terms but are prevented from being because your DP finds it awkward.

Or ask your Ex to ring you when he's 10 minutes away, then get your DS all ready and have him ready to answer the door himself and head staight out.

Must admit I do have a little sympathy with your ex - my DS is nearly 14 and his dad is about to move to a new house - I'm really excited for DS and looking forward to him showing me his new room. My ex and I are amicable, and I expect this will be fine. If I was told I wasn't allowed to set foot in the new house, and suspected this was because ex's DW didn't want me to set foot in the place I'd be pretty put out. I'd feel even more like that if it was my DS's main home that I wasn't allowed in.

Keep the discussions around money, etc separate - by email or phone when DS isn't around.

Georgia82 · 20/11/2013 14:54

Fooso I have every sympathy. My DH's ex has never asked to come in ever, and if i'm honest I wouldn't like it, however would do it for the sake of DSD. no, DH's ex just asks leading questions whilst on Skype so DSD shows her around - in drawers (not her, my children's) everything. Ex, then makes catty comments....

Why not have DS ready? Sounds like ex and DH are giving you hassle! Just what you need! Why not speak to DH / DP about invitingx t see his son's new room. Get it done (before everythihng is unpacked etc..) so DP doesn't feel like ex is 'eyeing up' your home. Then have DS ready and have a chat on the doorstep?

Good luck! x

wannaBe · 20/11/2013 15:04

it's your dp I would have issue with tbh. If you were amicable until your dp arrived on the scene then realistically it's your dp that has changed things isn't it?

I think the sending him a text saying that he needs to text in future so your ds can come out is unnecessarily antagonistic and I can see why he's pissed off.

As for your dp, when you get involved with someone who has children then it stands to reason that there is generally also an ex with whom those children, and their mother, have a relationship. your ds is old enough to realise what the changes are which have brought about this change in status quo and to start to resent your dp for that. it's a few minutes every fortnight, if this is causing so much stress between you and your dp then it's your relationship I would be questioning and be telling him to grow the fuck up.

Petal02 · 20/11/2013 15:05

DSS was 12 when we moved to our present home, he used to visit EOW, but if DH's ex had wanted to check out his new bedroom, I confess I wouldn't have been very happy. Feel free to flame!

wannaBe · 20/11/2013 15:16

petal but there is a difference between e.g. your dp's ex asking to come in to see his room and your dss asking his dad to come and see his room. the former I could understand to a degree but the latter... if you had issue with that then it would be your issue not your dp's ex's fault. children should feel that they can invite their parents into their space such as their bedroom etc, especially if this has previously been the case.

Petal02 · 20/11/2013 15:21

children should feel they can invite their parents into their space

In an ideal world, maybe.

Kaluki · 20/11/2013 15:35

My ex has always come in to my house because it is my children's house too and they like having him round.
DP isn't 100% comfortable but he understands why and he gets on ok with my ex.
If your DP is behind the sudden change then I think its him you need to speak to.

wannaBe · 20/11/2013 15:48

yes but that ideal world is made not ideal by your reluctance. it's IMO always important to remember who are the adults....

Original poster

Fooso · 20/11/2013 15:56

I appreciate all the comments. It's sad that they seem to have ended up making my DP the bad guy when I said in my OP that he has never said anything. My ex has borrowed money from me and manipulated me as he knows I'm a soft touch because of our son. I just wanted some peace from it to be honest. thanks anyway

OP posts:

AliceinWonderhell · 20/11/2013 16:32

It has become quite tense when in the house when my ex comes in to collect DS as DP doesn't like him

As you placed responsibility on your DP for the tense atmosphere, it's not really a surprise that people have commented on his attitude.

If you moan about your ex to your DP, it's no surprise he resents him - but he needs to grow up and make himself scarce when your ex visits to avoid creating the tension.

JustAnotherFucker · 20/11/2013 16:32

Fooso I understand what you're saying but can you take an objective look-back at your OP?

You state in the OP that your relationship with ex has always been good but its become tense as your DP doesn't like him.

That's why you've had the messages you've had.

Perhaps you can't see the wood for the tree's but I don't think anyone meant any harm by pointing out what you had written. The money lending and dp being annoyed by it are red herrings imo.

Either the relationship with ex wasn't good and your dp has helped you to see this or your dp is being unreasonable because you have a good relationship with your ex.

Fwiw it sounds to me like maybe your ex has taken advantage in the past and is annoyed because your dp has seen this and is trying to stop it, moving forward.

purpleroses · 20/11/2013 16:43

Unless he's using the times when he comes to pick up DS as a opportunity to ask to borrow money, etc then you're probably best to separate the issues out. Don't lend him money again, obviously, but that's not really got much to do with whether you can let him into your house. It's really up to you on that one - not your DP.

If you don't want him in the house then it might be better to just have DS ready when he calls, or let him answer the door himself so there's no opportunity to come in and talk to you. You could even be out or on the shower or something yourself when he calls. Better than formally telling him he's no longer welcome - as that's rather asking for a kick back.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 20/11/2013 16:49

He's reaction is totally over the top. When people come and pick me or kids up they might wait in the car if we're in a hurry - there's nothing lemon-like about it.

louby44 · 20/11/2013 16:57

When I lived in my own house my ex did tend to come in more but now that my DP and I have a house together, ex knocks, stands on the doorstep (letting all the hot air out) and waits for our 2 DS to put shoes on etc. We tend to chat then.

My DP doesn't want him in the house and although it's caused a few problems in the past, I don't blame him really. I wouldn't want my ex sat on my sofa passing the time of day.

NatashaBee · 20/11/2013 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

benid · 20/11/2013 17:07

I think your DP should have a say who comes in his house! I think it's fair enough and your ex will just have to suck it up. If your son wants to show his new room that seems reasonable as a one-off but I don't see why ex should come in for a chat if he's not really welcome. DP texts his kids when he arrives for pickup and they just come out to meet him in the car. Although there's not a big issue, DP's ex hasn't asked him to come in to her new home and he respects that.

Does your son not communicate by mobile with your ex anyway ?(appreciate he might not have a mobile, but DP is finding that less and less of his relationship with his kids needs to go via his ex these days - makes things much easier for everyone). Obv they agree contact times but actual details can be arranged directly with the kids now they are older.

Anyway hope you sort it out to everyone's satisfaction (I mean you/DP/DS, not including your ex).

eslteacher · 20/11/2013 17:43

I agree that it's generally better to retain amicable relations with your DC's other parent where possible. If this is really not possible due to threatening behaviour or rudeness, I think what you propose about waiting in the car is definitely reasonable. But your OP really does read that the reason you want to change the current amicable status quo is for your DP's sake because he doesn't like your ex and that makes you uncomfortable when he drops in to get the DC. I don't think that's a great reason to antagonise your ex, primarily as your DC will surely pick up on it.

I (like most others here) am a stepparent, so you might think we'd take your DP's side (also stepparent) and say you should put him and your relationship first. Interesting that hasn't been the case! Though I suppose you might say many of us are biased towards the father in the situation since most of us have partners in his position.

eslteacher · 20/11/2013 17:45

Actually reading back, responses seem pretty evenly split.

daftgeranium · 22/11/2013 20:21

Benid - precisely what you said. If the DP doesn't want the ex in HIS house then this should be respected.

I am amazed at how many posters on here have so little respect for the new partner and his needs and wishes.... and let the ex stomp all over this situation. Wrong priorities. There is no harm at all to the skid or the ex either, if the ex isn't allowed into the house.

OP - keep the ex out of the house - and talk to your DP about his wishes as well -

good luck!

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