My ex has gone ballistic

[Fooso]

For my DS I've always tried to have a good relationship with my ex - to the point where I was still lending him money very recently etc, He picks my son up every fortnight - nothing much in between (no calls etc). It has become quite tense when in the house when my ex comes in to collect DS as DP doesn't like him. Ex has let me down on money before and DP feels that he should do more with my son. DP has never said anything but when my EX comes in the house to pick up my son I find it quite stressful. My EX and I have been arguing quite a bit recently over money too. DP and I, and all our kids, have just bought a house together and we're moving in next week. I emailed my EX and said as my DS is now 14 I think we can have a bit more space and when he comes to pick up DS he can call him directly and DS will come out - I said we both deserve some peace and I think this will help. He has gone ballistic - "I'm not sitting outside your house like a lemon cos your boyfriend has no bollocks"..! So, what, you don't see your DS unless you can come in the house? I can just see my poor DS suffering...

It's always upsetting when you've tried hard to maintain an air of "adultness" about relations with an ex for the emotional sake of your kids. I felt proud of the fact that my ds never saw ex and I, in a screaming match. But.... As time goes by and issues don't change, I find myself less and less inclined to even enter into discussion with him. Thankfully, my DH steps in now and calmly takes over, just at the point I want to hit my ex over the head, with a Le Creuset. We continue to have my ex in our home at drop off (he collects ds from school EOW) for the sake of ds a sort of "we're adults here, we can behave ourselves and move beyond hostilities". It doesn't always work and frankly, I look forward to the day I when I don't really have anything to do with my ex.

I think in view of your partner's feelings, it's not unreasonable to say that at 14, your son cannot respond to a text from his dad saying "I'm here" and your son just leaves. Under the circumstances, this would be the best thing, for all. Your ex has no right to come into your home and your son isn't a toddler needing to have dad collect him from inside the actual house.

Put your foot down. Your house, your rules.

OP If your ex is causing that much tension within the house, have him wait outside or have a drop off point. Your DS is old enough to meet EXP unsupervised. Ideally you should not have to deal with him at all if DS has personal phone contact.

As for money, write it off and do not lend again, EXP will manage, this is just another way of having a 'relationship' with you. I know from personal experience very expensive and in hindsight stupid

OP, I think you need to consider where your loyalties lie: with your new partner or with your ex?

Ex knocks on door
Son opens door and walks out of house.

Have him waiting in the front room ready.

Job done.

Thanks ladies, your posts have cheered me up today... I am sticking to go my guns - already feel calm knowing no more stress EOW.