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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What does shared residency actually involve?

191 replies

nicknamegame · 01/10/2013 22:29

I don't wish to start a thread about a thread as I know it's not the done thing, so if you want some background - I posted on AIBU last night.

Basically what I'd like to know is what a shared residency order actually involves in terms of decisions made regarding the child. I know that issues such as schooling etc needs to be joint, as well as medical care, but what about changing the child's appearance? My dd's hair has been cut quite short without letting me know and I wondered where this all falls under the 'shared' residency. (If it does at all)

TIA

Anyone have an order that they can shed some light on regarding these matters? (Perhaps it's a legal question I need to ask, apologies if so)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 13:50

I know a lot of stepmothers and they fall into two camps:

Not remotely interested in their stepchildren and do nothing for them either way.

Concerned for their stepchildren's welfare and tread a careful path whereby they try to do the best for all the DC in their family without treading on their stepchildren's mothers' toes.

When mothers leave a void, stepmothers often try to fill that void. Some mothers, like my DSSs' mother, are very pleased to outsource their DCs' care. Other mothers, like the OP, find it harder to have another person sharing in the care of their DC. The easiest way for mothers to prevent that is to ensure their are no voids left to fill.

givemeaboost · 07/10/2013 13:55

again- guff - the only one who should be filling the void (if there even is a void) is the father of the child, not the bloody sm!!

TensionSquealsGhoulsHeels · 07/10/2013 13:56

Who decides there is any void Bonsior? The ex? His wife? And you missed out a 3rd type of SM - the one who oversteps when no void exists.

TheMumsRush · 07/10/2013 13:59

But that's not the case in this instance. The op is doing a fine job, parenting her child in the non neglectful way she is but the sm is constantly trying to out of her when there really is no need! What not only that, she is actively getting the op's dd to lie to her! What category does that fall under?

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:00

It is unrealistic to think that, in a household where a stepmother has children of her own, she will not be carrying out parenting tasks at all for her stepchild(ren). Basic parenting tasks, like taking children to the doctor or hairdresser, are often carried out by one parent in a household. And where a stepmother has her own DC, she is probably particularly aware of preventing her DC from infection and illness and will therefore have a finely tuned risk radar for other visiting DC, including her stepchildren.

TheMumsRush · 07/10/2013 14:01

*out do her

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:03

Honestly - I don't know any "overstepping" stepmothers. I do know quite a few who feel worn down from void-filling, however. Sometimes I hear of stepmothers going to parents' evenings or parent-teacher meeting but I have ever witnessed that in real life. The only school events I have ever attended for my DSSs were non-negotiable meetings when both their parents were out of the country for work.

TensionSquealsGhoulsHeels · 07/10/2013 14:03

You clearly have amazing insight into this sort of thing Bonsior. Tell me, how does telling a SC to lie to their other parent fit into your theories? I have my own view on that, but I'd love to hear your take on it.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:04

I've already answered that one - read the thread.

TheMumsRush · 07/10/2013 14:05

I have my own dc and two dsc, I would never dream in interfering in such matters that their parents are already seeing to. I care for them, have fun with them. It's not without problems, don't get me wrong. But I would never cut dsd, hair, treat dss warts (which he dose have) get dsd her first shoes! Their parents do that. There is no void

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:07

Fine, if there is no void to fill, you don't fill it, obviously. No problem anywhere.

TheMumsRush · 07/10/2013 14:08

And the op's dd's sm should not be trying to fill the non existent void

TensionSquealsGhoulsHeels · 07/10/2013 14:08

No you haven't actually given your view on someone telling a child to lie to their other parent. You said you can understand them not wanting the child to talk to her DM about a haircut. You haven't said what you think about telling a child to lie to their parent.

heidiwine · 07/10/2013 14:09

This thread has left me with a pretty sour taste in my mouth and reaffirmed my conviction that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't - such is the life of a step parent (unless you're bonsoir).
I have no doubt that the SM here is overstepping but take issue with the perception of neglect.
Since warts are one of the issues here let me share a story...
I noticed a verucca on DSD's foot one weekend. I mentioned it to DP who spoke to his sister (a GP) and said not to worry about it, most treatments don't work effectively and that of all the remedies freezing is the one to go for. When DP dropped dSD off her passed this information on to her mum who was indignant and said (without looking) that her daughter does not have veruccas and that it was unpleasant to suggest such a thing?!
Wind forward 3 months. DSD is being treated for a verucca GP has prescribed an ointment (which doesn't seen to be having any effect). We are told the ointment must be applied everyday (we disagree with this but go along so as not to cause conflict)... We get a ranty call from ex one evening when we forgot to treat said verucca. DP was told that he was not pulling his weight as a parent (not an uncommon accusation). The next time DSD arrived there was no verucca cream packed. Did DP call up and rant about it. No. We spent most of the evening trying to placate the child who didn't have the cream because she was so stressed about how angry mummy would be.
I'm not quite sure why I've told you that dull story (maybe it will kill the thread)... I guess my point is that without actually knowing the situation and the personalities involved I don't think anyone can make sweeping judgements. We only know what the OP has told us - I am sure that her ex and the SM have a different story (my DPs ex will tell a v different verucca story).
The rambling point that I'm trying to make is that it's for the parents to sort this out with minimal effect on the child. Mediation? Counselling? Meeting face to face (to try and demonstrate that adults can resolve disputes)?
Well done if you've for this far... I could ramble for ages in this topic...

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 07/10/2013 14:09

It is unrealistic to think that, in a household where a stepmother has children of her own, she will not be carrying out parenting tasks at all for her stepchild(ren).

Bollocks.

I've successfully managed it for 4 years, and my DSS has greater contact with DP than the OPs DD has with her Dad, so if I can manage it, so can the SM in the OPs case. It's a choice. Life is full of them.

BTW, Bonsoir for the purposes of fairness, I think you should repeat your comments from another thread - that is that in order for a stepmum to accurately identify the gaps in the parenting of their DSC mum, she should have her own DC as soon as possible - even if she doesn't really want to!

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:10

Frankly, when I read the OP's threads, I can see exactly where her exH and his wife are coming from. And the OP, by her own admission, is laissez-faire in her approach to healthcare. Obviously her exH and his wife see a void that needs filling sometimes. Why doesn't the OP accept their work with good grace and a thank you and let it be (or, if she doesn't like anyone else doing the work, do it herself)?

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:11

You are misquoting me, China.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:18

I admit that I am mystified about the non-effectiveness of verruca and wart treatment. Yes, it is long, tedious and fiddly to administer but it works easily and well IME, providing you follow the instructions.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 07/10/2013 14:21

Bonsoir the issue here is that the father has followed the legal procedure in this country to address what he considers to be neglect, but those allegations were unfounded and the relevant authorities have confirmed that this is nothing more than a difference in parenting style.
No neglect, no gaps, no slack - just differences. A court has confirmed that both parents are equally capable of parenting their DD.

So until the law in England and Wales changes to state that all parents must follow the advice of the great Bonsoir, there is absolutely no reason why the father should be doing anything other than co-parenting with the OP.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:24

And this is what the father is doing: co-parenting. But the OP doesn't seem to want him to do it!

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 07/10/2013 14:31

Bonsoir I appreciate you are living in a different culture, but I can assure you that the term 'co-parenting' here in England does not include making unilateral decisions about the DCs appearance and medical care.

Communication is considered the key element of co-parenting, so much so that state-funded programmes are available to separated parents to equip them with the communication skills required.

I appreciate things may be different where you are; perhaps that's why your advice is at odds with UK practice?

elliebellys · 07/10/2013 14:32

He isnt exactly co parenting is he bonsoir.he is keeping things from op deliberatly,nd is constantly looking to criticize.he seems to have no desire to co parent.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 14:36

The OP has explained at length that there have been large amounts of court cases and communications over negotiating who does what, and that this was initiated by the father. So he seems particularly involved in wanting to co-parent. She is the one who seems resistant.

Parents are under no obligation to consult with the other parent before cutting hair or getting a prescription or OTC remedy.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 07/10/2013 14:38

Parents are under no obligation to consult with the other parent before cutting hair or getting a prescription or OTC remedy.

I agree. But doing so contradicts your interpretation of Dads motives; if he wanted to co-parent (in the way the term is used here in England) then why wouldn't he consult/communicate/talk to the OP?

elliebellys · 07/10/2013 14:39

No obligation no,but wouldnt it be healthier for all involved 2 have done so.it was done malicously.

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