What does shared residency actually involve?

[nicknamegame]

I don't wish to start a thread about a thread as I know it's not the done thing, so if you want some background - I posted on AIBU last night.

Basically what I'd like to know is what a shared residency order actually involves in terms of decisions made regarding the child. I know that issues such as schooling etc needs to be joint, as well as medical care, but what about changing the child's appearance? My dd's hair has been cut quite short without letting me know and I wondered where this all falls under the 'shared' residency. (If it does at all)

TIA

Anyone have an order that they can shed some light on regarding these matters? (Perhaps it's a legal question I need to ask, apologies if so)

[mumandboys123]

jeez....it' s not a battle, bonsoir. You shouldn't, as either a parent or a step-parent, be setting out to 'win' the children and bring them into your 'camp'. It is true that the peril of separated parenting is that the children will one day decide they prefer one home over the other - and that can happen for thousands of reasons, good and bad. What separated parents should be doing, however, is understanding that their differences are what have fuelled the separation in the first place and work hard to understand that parenting is different in all households and that you really do have to go some to have official intervention and be considered 'neglectful'. What nickname is describing here is the very best of both worlds - strong family units with their own unique sense of identity and way of life which the children in question is able to experience. One day, she may well decide that her dad's house and way of living is more for her than her mum's - but there is nothing at all to suggest in this thread (or any others I have read) that mum is neglecting her child and that dad and step mum have some kind of point.

You clearly have 'issues' with your partner's ex - they may well be justified. But that doesn't mean that every single mum out there is an inferior parent to the step mum.

[Bonsoir]

I'm just trying to support the OP....

[nicknamegame]

I'm pretty sure it's a 'victory' for you though, eh Bonsoir? Honestly, you lose credibility with me when you make empty statements about 'neglect' and find yourself unable to back them up.

[Bonsoir]

I think it would be distasteful and hurtful to you to trawl through all your posts describing the very wide-ranging parenting difficulties you have described on MN. But hey, if you are inviting me to do so...

The bottom line is: do you want to be your DD's role model and primary carer or not?

[mumandboys123]

no, you are not trying to support the OP...you are trying to 'win' some kind of game that only you know the rules to.

There is no evidence of neglect. That you think going on holiday and having meals out makes her neglectful compared with the step mum who likes rambling and crafting doesn't make it the case.

[nicknamegame]

Yes Bonsoir, go ahead. Make me laugh. I'll wait patiently while you do your research, then when you've collected your results about my neglect, I'll be all ears.

[mumtobealloveragain]

I don't think OP sounds neglectful. As another poster has pointed out, there are so many things that have to be filed under "different parenting styles" or as CAFCASS have said "different parenting skills".

I will admit I do not like the way my DSC's mum parents them, DP absolutely hates many things she does/doesn't do. I don't think any of it amounts of child neglect, more slackness, but it does affect them negatively. However, he doesn't usually say anything as it would fall on deaf ears and not even a Court or CAFCASS are likely to care. For us it's not so much individual things more the whole package.

OP I guess it's the opposite to your situation with your ex and the SM, you feel like they are overparenting (in your opinion) and it must be just as hard for you to bite your tongue about as it is for my DP and I to do so about DSC's mum's underparenting (in our opinion). But really, things like the haircut, it's harsh for you and obviously upset you, but he has just as much right to do so as you do and a Judge isn't going to want to hear about it.

x

[basgetti]

A stepmum cutting off a child's long hair without a word to the child's main carer is a deliberately hostile act, especially against the backdrop of bad feeling that the OP describes.

The idea that someone who would purposefully contribute to a strained environment for a child in this way is somehow a more superior parent because they take the child to museums instead of bowling is one of the biggest load of bollocks I've read on MN.

[elliebellys]

Bonsoir i can understand why you dont get on with ur dhs ex.in all your posts you try to make yourself the superior one. Its your way or no way..op i like doin the same things as you,oo my poor kids they must be neglected too.:-)

[Bonsoir]

I don't need to get on with my stepsons' mother - I need to get on with my DSSs and my DP.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

I'm curious as to where you see the neglect in the OP's posts too, Bonsior. Because it seems you are the only one posting who can see it.

[nicknamegame]

I'm still waiting for your evidence of neglect Bonsoir. Unless of course you're willing to accept that now you've been called on it, you can't actually produce any.

[elliebellys]

Bonsoir doesnt seem to need evidence.everyones wrong nd shes right..:-)

[mumtobealloveragain]

Basgetti - I have to disagree. It wasn't the SM's fault, unless she cut the child's hair without the father's permission, which it doesn't appear was the case. It would have been nice for the parents to discuss this, but obviously OP wanted long hair and the father wanted short hair, so stalemate.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

She was there for a weekend and we spoke on the phone after it had been done. DD never mentioned it. When I asked her why, she said she was told not to. They obviously wanted me to feel the shock of it....because they've since questioned dd on my reaction, wanting to know I was shocked/angry/liked the cut/asked who did it etc

In light of the above comment mumtobealloveragain, do you still think the hair cut here was not a deliberately hostile act?

[Viviennemary]

A few stepmothers do seem to have an inordinate amount of influence in decision making. In this position I would be extremely unhappy. If my ex H was making decisions I didn't agree with that would be one thing but if his new partner was making those decisions I would be beyond furious.

[basgetti]

Mumtobe, there is ongoing tension including recent court proceedings. The SM is also aware that the OP believes she is overstepping. It seems to me to be an extremely antagonistic act. If Dad wants the child's haircut then let him do it or discuss it with the OP. SM doing this was never going to make the situation less hostile, was it?

[purpleroses]

Whilst technically both parents have equal rights over things like hair cutting I do think that there are in fact some things that are very much considered "mum things" in most families - taking care of the DC's appearance, choosing clothes, hairstyles, etc. Especially with girls these are usually thought of as mother-daughter things.

OK, if the father believes in gender quality over these issues, and wants his say to. But if he delegates the actual haircut, etc to his DW, that suggests to me that he doesn't see it as his role, as her dad, but is instead trying deliberately to upset his ex by allowing her "mum role" to be threatened by his DW :(

[Bonsoir]

If the OP's DD's hair was very long, maybe her father and stepmother felt that the OP wasn't carrying out her "mum role" and stepped in to fill a void?

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Do you have anything constructive to add Bonsior? Or are you simply content in goading the OP here?

[basgetti]

Yes, Bonsoir. I am sure they simply had the child's best interests at heart. And ordering a six year old to lie and keep secrets from her mother is just another example of their great parenting.

[mumandboys123]

oh for crying out loud.....now it's piss poor parenting to allow your child's hair to grow? Let's all bow down to the god of parenting that is Bonsoir...we clearly are not worthy.

[TheMumsRush]

^^

I wouldn't dream of cutting my dad's hair! The op's dd's sm is way over the mark! Op said it wasn't so much the cut, but not being given warning and telling her dd to not meant ion it on the phone! That is just wrong!!!!

[TheMumsRush]

Dsd's

[eslteacher]

I think the fact of the hair cutting isn't so bad, it's more the manner in which it was done and above all the fact that your daughter was told not to tell you, that starts to make me think there is a bit of nasty game-playing going on. A 6 year old girl shouldn't be getting told to keep things from her mother, that's just not right.

Just a word though about your DD referencing her DSM a lot, giving you the impression that she prefers her way of doing things or whatever. I was totally shocked recently when my DSS's mum (who I get on with really well) told me that DSS (8) talks about me often when he is with his mum, and references how much he likes my cooking and a few other nice things. I would NEVER have guessed this if I hadn't been told. Although DSS and I get on well we don't have a particularly touchy-feely or affectionate relationship, I am not really maternal towards him at all and if anything I tend to think that he doesn't really care whether I am around or not. So I was blown away to hear that he often speaks fondly of me when he's at home with his mum.

So based on this, I wouldn't worry too much about being pushed out of the 'mother' role (as I read on your AIBU thread). Just because your DD talks about her DSM in positive terms or references her way of doing things, I really don't think that means she necessarily sees her as a mother figure or has a strong maternal bond with her or anything. Maybe at a push I cook better than DSS's mum and he likes a few other things about the way I do things, but it doesn't affect AT ALL the fact that he and his mother have a bond and relationship that I will never have with him in a million years and never could.