Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Adult step daughter -grr .

79 replies

pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 13:41

She's a pain . I began the relationship with dh , when she was 11 . She's now 21 married , and a mother to 2 herself .
To begin with she was pleasant child , apart from usual naughtiness you'd expect from teenager. Nothing out the ordinary , just usual , little bit of cheekiness , little it of rebellion ( staying out past time to come in ect ) . Like i said usual stuff. Until I dh and I decided on adding to our family.

When I became pregnant , she became a nightmare . And has stayed that way . She even banned me and her half siblings from her wedding.

To cut a long story short . Dh will always love his dd , as he should , even if he doesn't like her behaviour at times. He does not want to fall out with her , or risk missing out on his grandchildren .

The grandchildren have been kept away from me and my dc also . Shame , but I accept that and am not going to cause a fuss over something I can't change.

However adult step daughter has developed a very odd habit of phoning Dh at inappropriate times , first thing in morning , last thing at night , during films were watching , and generally at times when she knows via Facebook that we are doing something .

This morning it was 5 past 8 , to tell dh she had been to see a psychic . Apparently the psychic told her that Dh will phone her to appologise for something in the near future ... Why did she feel the need to share that when we are in the middle of getting everyone up and out to school and work ? Could it not have waited until after work tonight when he's got time to speak to her .

I am truly the "wicked stepmother " today .... After he tried a few times to get off the phone nicely without upsetting her , I started making "sex noises " in the background .

So I think the psychic might have been right after all ...Dh will need to phone her later to appologise for the " sex noises " Grin .

Hopefully it will make her chose the timing of her phone calls a bit more carefully ! .

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Hullygully · 17/09/2013 14:46

Hey Paggy darlin'

Pink, in relation to her, you are the adult. It behoves you to act accordingly. Soz, but that's the way it works.

cafecito · 17/09/2013 14:49

You sound awful and jealous yourself.

Grow up.

pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 14:52

So basically I caused all,of this by having our youngest dc .

So what your saying Museli is that I should not have had my children ,incase it upset a then 13 year old ? .

Step parents are perfectly fine , when they are there to hand over the cash , and provide free babysitting , but woe betide them if they want a baby themselves . Why should they have their own child , when there is someone else's child that they can look after and provide for ? .

Oh that's perfectly reasonable that a 13 year old child should dictate to their parent about having siblings ? Or does it just apply to half siblings .

OP posts:
pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 14:55

Yes I made noises . I admit it . Not the best thought out plan ever ... But sleep deprivation does that to you .

But on what planet does that make me jealous ?

OP posts:
burberryqueen · 17/09/2013 14:56

see calling her a 'half person' as you have done at least twice is offensive in itself, do you not see that ?
would you like to be described as a 'half person'?

cafecito · 17/09/2013 14:57

you sound irritated by her contact with your DH, by his tolerance of her, their fb communication, and to deliberately wind her up and stamp your territory when it's his DD is just sounding a little jealous to me. maybe I am wrong but that's how you come across.

pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 15:01

At what point are you ever allowed to call out an adult step child on their continuing bad behaviour ? ... If ever ? .

Never ? ..

Oh I forgot only first wives and first families count .

Second wives and second families are there to be looked down on aren't they ?

We must put up will all that the first ones do without ever acting in retaliation .
I give up .

If I divorced my Dh , gave him all my money and house , and took my dc and disappeared off the planet then dsd might be happy . It would take for me to leave him for her to stop .

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 17/09/2013 15:02

Did you think she'd be out of his life once she became an adult? [That is a serious question btw]

heidiwine · 17/09/2013 15:04

Sex noises? Wtf were you thinking? I come on here to get balanced advice for genuinely difficult step parent issues (not issues caused by my deliberate insensitivity and immaturity). Posts like this just perpetuate step parent myths and are extraordinarily unhelpful to many other step parents.
You clearly have a tough relationship with your adult step daughter. My advice would be to grow up and treat her with kindness. Permanently strive to do the best thing for her (which is the best thing for your DH too). However I suspect that you've left it too late.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 17/09/2013 15:06

I am 22 so same as your stepdaughter. If I behaved like her my mum or dad would tell me straight.

No one seems to have read the fact that the SD has stopped could in fact with her half sibling and stopped contact with her grandchildren.

If I cut of my half siblings my mum would have something to say about it. I'm surprised that OPs husband has left her to it.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 17/09/2013 15:07

Stopped contact** fuck knows what happened there.

Sparklysilversequins · 17/09/2013 15:10

I think you sound completely ridiculous and if this is how you usually carry on I am not surprised she doesn't like you.

Grow up, maybe she will then too.

Idespair · 17/09/2013 15:10

Why does your dh plaster what he's doing all over Facebook? Get him to stop that for a start.

Stop making sex noises/snogging her dad in public in an OTT manner. That won't help and makes you look really immature as well.

Other than that there's not much you can do. She's cut you off and it's up to your dh to deal with her phone calls.

Flicktheswitch · 17/09/2013 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UC · 17/09/2013 15:28

OP, no-one has said that you shouldn't have had your own child. The criticism you are receiving is about the immature way you behaved re. the sex noises, and the suggestion that you would snog your DH in a teenaged fashion next time you see SD.

I am a SM. I know how hard it can be. It sounds as though your SD has caused you pain and trouble over the years. However, actions like those aren't going to help you. Keep ignoring. And talk to your DH about ways to manage her - like stopping posting on FB, and stopping answering the phone when it isn't convenient.

Hullygully · 17/09/2013 15:30

She was 11 when you and dp got together.

She was a child and you the adult. You remain in that relationship.

Somewhere along the line it has all been very mismanaged, but your current behaviour is definitely not helping.

Her father needs to speak to her clearly and kindly and lay down some guidelines, and you need to act like an adult.

pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 15:32

The problem is I have allowed her away with far too much as a child , because she obviously was hurt badly by her parents split .

I had nothing to do with their breakup and did not meet Dh until later on . But that did not stop dsd targeting me as a vent for her hurt/ anger/confusion . Dh was too forgiving also .

All that has caused is an adult who know thinks she can treat me and her half-siblings like dirt .

This latest stunt ( phone calls about nothing at weird times , ) is basically her attempt to start an argument. Dh has been invited to her house to visit. He wants to bring our dc ( her half siblings ) . I don't think she wants them , but instead of telling Dh no ( because she will look nasty ) , she's resorted to old behaviours of winding us up until one of us cracks up and gives her the excuse to argue with us.

Yes I did a very stupid thing earlier ( the noises ) , and I haven't seen her yet . She's probably just confused now , Confused .

I am not jealous of her and Dh having a relationship . I'm the one who insisted he went to her wedding , despite her awful behaviour . He wasn't going to go because she was vile to me and her half siblings .

Re : half-siblings . That is the correct term . They share one parent . It's not ment to cause offence , it's just easier to explain the family dynamics.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 17/09/2013 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 15:38

... And I haven't snogged Dh in a childish fashion , infront of her ever .. It was just a thought in my head that I might do it . I don't kiss him infront of anyone , apart from at our wedding .

Grin . But he is my husband ... I will snog him if I want to , I think he might like it .

OP posts:
pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 15:47

Needaholiday , thank you . I think I was acting in a " if your going to be an overgrown teenager ,then so am I " kind of way .

It's tiring trying to be " the adult " all the time when your not dealing with an actual child .

I've ran out of ideas on what to do tbh .

The little ones miss their big sister , she doesn't ask about them , doesn't phone them its really heartbreaking , it hurts Dh . But she thinks its ok to exclude them from her life ...and that means that Dh has to dump them when she wants him to go running after her .

It's like she's punishing them for her dad marrying me .

OP posts:
ChinaCupsandSaucers · 17/09/2013 15:54

OP - I don't blame you for deliberately winding your DSD up when she's so blantantly sabotaging your home life - phoned up at 8am to tell her dad that a psychic told her he was going to call her and apologise? WTF?

Can you imagine the AIBU post if it was anyone other than a stepchild? If the OPs DPs sister/boss/best friend repeatedly called early in the morning/late at night to tell him about a dream they had, something they'd remembered etc etc?
ThevMN jury would support wholeheartedly the OPs (admittedly slightly juvenile) lighthearted attempts to hint to the caller that it was inconvenient!

This is a young woman who has refused to accept her fathers partner and hasn't been taught that the same social boundaries apply to her father that apply to everyone else in her life.

OP - your DP is enabling his DD to continue to behave in this appalling manner. Until he puts his foot down, refuses to allow her to sabotage his family your only recourse is to behave towards her as you would any other person who behaved in that manner - as you have been recently Wink

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/09/2013 15:59

OP, she is not calling you. She is calling her dad. It is up to him to deal with her and manage his contact in a way he feels is appropriate. Disengage and let the two of them get on with it. This childish behaviour does nothing but suck you in and cause difficulties for your DH.

Yes she should be a lot more pleasant. But she's not. That's no excuse for you to behave unreasonably and immaturely as well.

needaholidaynow · 17/09/2013 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkpjs · 17/09/2013 16:07

China Can you imagine if this thread was about a MIL ? .

Once in ten years I act up in retaliation , joining in stupid irritating behaviour . Once .

And Tmi Dh was standing straight out of the shower , wrapped in a towel , trying to get her off the phone for 10 minutes so he could get dried off and dressed . ( and get to work ) .

Being late for work won't help him provide for his children and help out his daughter with money will it ? .

Actually Dh roared with laughter after he finally got off the phone .

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 17/09/2013 16:15

Will you ring her and apologise for your immature behaviour? Its what you are asking from her.

Also would you make sex noises to ur dc? I wouldn't have thought so, so why do it to dh's dc. Double standard.