Struggling with step-parenting..

[Ollypops1]

Before I start, I know lots of people will say 'I should think myself lucky' or 'I've nothing to complain about' but I am honestly struggling and need some advice, preferably not negative......

So here goes: me and DP have been together 3 1/2yrs, he has 2 children from prev marriage, DSS now 14yrs and DSD now 12yrs, plus we have a 5 month old DS together. When we got together his children lived with their mother and they accepted me immediately for which I am very grateful. However just over 2 yrs ago DSS decided he wanted to live with his dad which he readily agreed to, despite the fact we were just about to move in together and I wasn't given an option regards his son moving in with us immediately. Long story short DSS moved in and DSD visited regularly. I have never really been able to cope with a teenager suddenly being full time in my home, let alone getting used to living with DP for the first time! We now have a child of our own and to be honest I am at the end of my rope. I cannot cope with my DSS, despite him being fairly well behaved. He is untidy, inconsiderate, a typical teen I know. In fact compared to some he is an angel if you don't have to live with him. I just feel like I was never given a choice regards him moving in, other than accept it or risk losing my partner which would break my heart. I'm only 33, trying to adjust to life as a new mother and a reluctant stepmother and I'm struggling. How do I cope/adjust/not lose my mind??? Please help xx

Exotic, you say that you should never assume that "part time" kids won't always be part time. You, however make assumptions that teen step kids will babysit and will also develop social lives. You only have to read this board to know that many step parents feel frustrated at their step kids lack of social life.

I really feel that that's what I need to do, change my mindset. Looking at my situation objectively, DSS hadn't done anything wrong, he has accepted me from the start and I do believe that despite his typical teenage behaviour he has respect for me and is happy his father and I are together and now he lives in a happy home unlike before during his parent's marriage. He also adores his baby brother which makes me happy. The problem is my resentment of the situation and the guilt I feel for wishing my DSS lived with his mother instead of us, I find it so so difficult to get my head around our situation which isn't doing anyone any good at all. I can wish things were different all day long but they're not going to change therefore I must be the one to change and adapt for everyone's sake. DSS is at an age where it feels the end is in sight...he's almost 15, wants to finish school and travel, I know he wont be with us for ever, but still the here and now is a struggle every day. Talking is definately the key to this, both with my DP and some counselling I think...

You can't assume it but you can make a start - leave him with the baby while you pop out for 5 mins- encourage his activities and friendships etc. I expect he would babysit when older- you could link pocket money/allowance to it.
Make use of him- encourage him to cook meals etc. Now my DS has moved out I really miss being able to ask him to cook the evening meal when I was pushed for time.
Don't give him all the rights and ignore the responsibilities.
He can soon get a part time job- essential if he wants to do the travel.
You seem to be taking a sensible route OP- good luck with it- your feeling are completely natural, it is how you deal with them that matters.