Successful step mums can you advice

[sandiy]

I have 3 children ex left in very messy circumstances to be with already pregnant girlfriend.She is now the children's step mum.Over the summer the children spent time at their dads flat with gf and dad working plus new baby.I knew about this was nt massively happy but I try to be reasonable and want the children to have as much time with their dad as possible.It was a disaster.Unfortunatly they were all stuck I for 2days waiting for new phone to arrive.My children are used to being active so ended up going stir crazy I know how hard it can be but it turns out that girlfriend went completely nuclear had a massive screaming melt down on more than one occasion.Mychildren now do not want to see her anymore as they are very frightened of her, My gut instinct is to keep them away for a while their dad can do day trips etc with them this is hard on them as they are used to every other weekend and once during the week access.Now they will be lucky to see their dad once a week for a few hours.I can t help feeling that my children are suffering and its not fair on them is it unfair for me to suggest girlfriend goes back to parents house for a night here and their so the children can see their dad a bit more.Any constructive advice would be appreciated this is not a battle between me and girl friend I genuinely want what's best.

I am a step mum to a 5 year old and have my own 3 month old DS. I can see where your coming from from I do think that asking your DC stepmum to leave her home once a week is a bit unfair, and also will not help the situation in the long run. If she has just had a baby maybe she is struggling a bit and unfortunately took it out on your DC? Which obviously is no excuse. How old are your DC? Have you spoke to your ex about the situation? Maybe he could make sure he is not working while the DC are with him so they aren't left alone with stepmum again for a while?

Mychildren are 8,9and 9 Ireally don t know what to do I won't force them to go back to the house if they don t want to because that would be very wrong of me and their father, Equally they need to spend more than a few hours with him.Iknow how hard parenting can be but I'm not sure that it's an excuse really.Whatmakes it more difficult is I've been on the receiving end of girlfriends screaming episodes and I know they are not nice.Im sure she has postnatal depression and have suggested she gets help which I think has now happened but what as a parent do I do? Do I send my children off to a verbally abusive house or sacrifice their relationship with their dad which in its own way is just as harmful.I m asking step mums because in lone parents it's much clearer and I'm trying to be balanced and reasonable.

Gosh. I can see exactly where you're coming from and u dear stand why you're angry - I would be too. But.

If I were the stepmum and the ex starting suggesting I had PND I'd go nuts.

If I were the stepmum and an 8 and two 9's couldn't behave for 2 days during the day because a phone was arriving I'd be less than impressed.

Also, perhaps she didn't want to be unpaid childcare and is resentful and thinks it should be your ex who is looking after them?

Not that any of that excuses her screaming but just to put the other side of the coin

And if you dared to suggest to me that DP go away while my kids are here you'd gt a firm no from me I'm afraid.

Perhaps much of her and your resentment is bundled up in the act of her being the other woman. Could you and your ex consider mediation? Also, maybe some counselling for yourself?

U dear stand is meant to be understand.

Why should the kids not have to experience real life though? Real life means that some days we have to do stuff that isn't nice, like sit in fr a phone or do groceries or visit great aunt Sally who is really boring.

Leaving aside the fact she obviously has a history of losing her temper and screaming (lovely). Its not up to her to parent your children but their father.

Why can't he take the children on his annual leave? This is what my DH does. In fact DH has just said that your ex needs to get his priorities right. All the children are DH's, as is the case with your ex. He's never delegated parenting DSS to me, although occassionally he's been in my care when DH has an errand to do.

I suspect the reality of their relationship has not ended up as they thought. She is his affair partner, she's seeing all his warts, has a new baby and now 3 stepkids to bond with. He is also seeing what a temper she has. They've got a lot of issues to sort out. If you try and say anything, they'll just blame you for interfering and brainwashing the children.

If he is the sort of man to think childcare and domestic chores are women's work and basically dumped it all on his girlfriend, then he's got some waking up to do. I am pretty sure the girlfriend will not be letting things lie, doesn't sound like she is one to suffer in silence.

I wouldn't even go there by requesting she leave her own home? Why should she? In fact the only thing you could say if you really must is that the kids were expecting your ex to take annual leave so they could see him. But apart from that. And perhaps next time he does this. Unless they are in physical danger there is not much you can do.

From the other side of the coin, DH's ex moved her affair partner in with the kids when DH's marriage brokedown. The step father had suddenly moved in with 3 kids and took it out on the children. He frequently lost it in front of them too. DH used to get quite obsessed about checking DSS for bruises when he was little. Things seem a lot better now. Or at least DSS doesn't mention things anymore.

Of course every time DH felt he had to ask his ex why DSS was being screamed or shouted at by stepfather he just got blamed for being interfering (which he was) and the only issue was with DH. DH had some accepting to do too.

I won't force them to go back to the house if they don t want to because that would be very wrong of me

Mmm, not sure about that.

It would be wrong of you to accept their opinion without question, and not do anything to address it - but as their parent it is your job to make decisions that are in their best interest because they are too young/immature to accept the consequences.

Unless you believe that your ex is incapable of keeping the DCs safe, then you have to trust him to parent them as he wishes while they are in his care. That's not to say you can't teach your DCs skills to deal with the situations they are faced with, and even providing additional support such as play therapy or counselling if they would benefit from it - but to withhold contact because you don't agree with the parenting decisions he is making is unfair on your DCs. They have a right to be parented by him in the way he chooses just as much as they do by you.

If you believe that his parenting choices put them at risk, then there are steps you can take to ensure they continue to have contact with him safely - such as supervised contact.

I agree with four gates that if a relationship can be built up between you and the step mum this may help. A key part of our success as a step family has been the good relationship I have with dsd's mum. BUT I was not the the other woman, I didn't have PND or a history of verbal abuse and I wanted very much to put dsd at the heart of our priorities. Dsd's mum also wanted dsd to feel lived and secure by us all and we have all worked very hard, together, to make sure this has happened. We aren't perfect but our intentions have always been to prioritise dsd. I realise we are every lucky that everyone in our situation has been on the same page and that this wont be as easy for you.

Loved not lived
Very not every
Stupid phone!

This is the crux of the issue china.Ex left the children with step mum who did not cope very well,Do I send them again against their will and my better judgement, or do I esculate which is like a sledge hammer to a nut,and will probably cause more harm than good.I trust my children not to lie to me so if they were scared then I believe them.Selfishly my concern is for my children which I don t think is unreasonable.Im never going to be on friendly terms with someone who calls me the c word and as for the post natal depression thing I'm fairly experienced in that field proffesionally so there was no malice and she has finally sought treatment.I don t want to be unreasonable but as a parent I'm stuck in a difficult position.Children should not be expected to seek councilling for damage that is preventable by responsible parenting I think that the majority view is that dad needs to sort it out so that leaves them seeing very little of their father in order to ensure that step mum is not inconvenienced in any way I guess this sums up the mum / stepmom divide and the difficulties that some children experience in blended families.Its a very very sad.

It's not about inconveniencing the stepmum. You're blaming the wrong person. He's the problem.

sandiy So, you don't trust him? He has left your DCs in an unsafe, risky situation that you don't want repeated?
Then report to Soc. Services and the school to create a paper trail, seek legal advice, withhold contact and secure a residency order with supervised contact.

If you're not prepared to do that, then you can't be that worried about their Dads judgement.

I did nt send them the arrangement was half and half during school holidays They went to grandma for first part then came back as he wanted to spend time with them.I agree it's his responsibility to care for them my concern now is that the children will no longer be willing to go to his house and consequently will not be able to spend any significant time with him.This does not benefit the children The children Ultimatly pay the price for fathers poor choice in girlfriend and poor planning for their wellbeingMy fear is where does this end how far does it go before a compromise is reached.I do blame the step mother for being unable to control her temper she is an adult.It is not their fault yet they are baring the brunt of frayed tempers.I was under the impression that if you moved in with a man with children the children were part of the deal not a seperated entity.

So you came onto the Stepparenting board to 'blame' the stepmum, and to criticise her?

Like most of society, you have been conditioned to consider your ex so weak and such a victim of this woman that you won't hold him accountable for the impact his partner has had on his DCs - you'd rather blame someone else.

Your ex will never man-up and become a father to his DCs all the while you excuse him and blame others.

If you want more sympathy I suggest another area of MN - coming to the Stepparenting board and blaming a stepmother who has had your DCs dumped on her in the first few weeks of motherhood is downright foolhardy.

Actually I came to step parenting for a balanced perspective I think it's really easy to get sucked into bio vs step parents as it is an emotive subject.For example I get that it must be a nightmare being lumbered with three kids and a newborn.What I'm asking for is some idea on how to move forwards.Its too easy to "blame" parents Children should be at the centre of all we do as parents as experienced step parents how do you cope what do you do how do you feel etc I am not asking for sympathy I am hoping for some insight not personal attacks which just escalate and are Ultimatly unhelpful and hurtful.I have only critised her shouting I have made no personal attacks on her.The baby is five months old or possibly a bit more.As I said before I think the common thread is that dad is responsible for most of this but it's happened and I can't ignore it so am just trying to seek a solution so that children do not suffer for adults behaviour.

You sound terribly upset.

You move forwards by if it's a genuine concern then go to the police, SS, NSPCC and every and any other agency you can think of and get a supervised access arrangement in place, at a contact centre or similar.

If it's not at that level that you feel involvement of those outside agencies would be warranted, then you have to let it go.

Be aware. My DD sometimes used to tell me all the stuff her dad and his new wife did that she hated. And tell me she wasn't going to go back. Because xyz happened. She did it in reverse to her dad too about my house and my DP. She was playing both of us off against each other. Not saying your kids are doing that, but be aware of it.

But. The ultimate crux of the matter is your ex. Not his new wife. He's the problem. Transfer your anger and the sorting of the issues to him, not her. He's their parent, she isn't.

I think it is positive that you are seeking input for the situation.How was the dc's relationship before the shouting incident? Was it a one off and has she apologised? I'm just thinking long term that its best for the dc's if they do have a reasonable relationship with the sm however its early days so I don't think the dad should leave the children with her.Could you perhaps suggest he has overnight at weekends when you know he will be around?

I would also bear in mind the impact that the new baby will have had on your dc's, they are likely to feel pushed out and this might heighten their sensitivity.I'm not saying they have lied but they are likely to feel more hostile to the sm since the baby arrived.They may be craving solo time with dad which would happen if this was a sibling in a non separated family as sibling jealousy is natural esp with large age differences.The children may not even be consciously aware of jealousy but the dynamic with dad will have changed and this will take time to settle.

Generally how does the dad get on with his children? Do they feel able to talk with him as the solution to this issue lies with the dad, not stepmum.He must be an active parent and can't outsource his role to a relatively new mum esp when its such a new situation.

My dsd's mum moved on very quickly, it was pretty unpleasant for the children but the adults were 'in love' so the children are expected to accept it.I have no idea why grownups with children rush into new relationships, it just seems so selfish as its likely to bring so many challenges and the children have no choice.Rant over...dsd's mum has rushed multiple relationships so I've seen the fallout happen on a regular basis.

Before the baby the relationship was good they liked step mum and she appeared considerate of them obviously she hated me I'm not sure why truly I swear I have never antagonised her at all.To be fair I stay away from her as much as possible in fact I've never spoken to her as I've had no need.The children love their dad and he has always been involved and reasonably hands on there was no massive screaming episodes between us I like to think I'm largely a controlled person.We have worked hard to make things as easy on the children as possible we have had a few bumps along the way while we've found our way.However apparently the screaming and shouting has been since baby was born.Between them after the children went to bed this is the first time she's verbally attacked the children. My children as a rule don t lie they love their new sister I fact one of the things they are saddest about is missing their sister.Iguess the heart of the matter is how do the children maintain a relationship with dad when they will spend so little time with him I do blame ex for forcing the relationship upon the children too quickly because of the baby coming and them moving in so quickly. But I'm cleaning up the mess and mopping up the tears.There is a little part of me that wonders rightly or wrongly if step mum does nt want my kids around anymore because it ruins her idea of family time.I may get a flaming but it may be worth mentioning.Maybe other step mums can shed some constructive light on this.I know a very brave previous poster admitted not liking step kids so much when she was pregnant. I'm seeking some enlightenment not an argument.
Before baby access was every other weekend and a couple of hours after school once a week at Dads request.

Well, I remember being incredibly stressed, emotional, ranty and yes, at times unreasonable after my DD was born.
How many DCs experience that when an older sibling is born? Their mums a bit grouchy, snappy, shouts at Dad?

Of course, Stepmums can't be like that.

OP it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to withhold contact - if your DCs don't want to see their Dad because they don't like their stepmum then of course you can choose to go along with it, but good luck explaining why they have to go to school when they don't like their teacher.

She's a new mum, she's got your DCs to deal with, her DP is an unsupportive git, but hey - take it out on the kids by allowing them to opt out of contact with their Dad - why not?