I've asked MNHQ...

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

.....if we can have a little 'note' at the top of the Stepparenting board, with a list of acronyms that cause offence - to ensure that posters get support and threads aren't sidetracked by inadvertent use of common phrases that are less welcome here on MN;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/1811572-Board-notes

Well it's not because anyone "knows" me I haven't been on mumsnet for years - its probably because of the language Reality was using combined with her outrage at what some consider to be a completely inoffensive term.

(I don't think anyone was clutching their pearls at Realitys language - merely that it showed a certain level of hypocrisy to be offended by BM while using language that is generally accepted as offensive to many).

I actually don't swear in RL or on forums - should name change as this was sort of tongue in cheek - at the same time - dh ex is the only person I refer to as a cunt because she is.

I would use the same term to describe anyone who hated a baby merely for existing. I have had to explain to my 3 year old why their siblings mother is so nasty to him.

Irrelevant to this as I am well aware she is the exception.

Many many posters here are BM and SM are we insulting ourselves.

I'm a sm, my dsc's have a mum and that it what I refer to her as. if im talking about DH and his past relationship I might call her exp. I've seen other sm use the term bm, but just thought they had made an honest mistake (It does happen). I don't think posters mean to offend, and that's why op started this thread.

That's awful three

I do think that there is an aggression problem with MN at the moment, and it could.be the full moon combined with the thundery weather, but it is the major reason I have Aibu hidden.

I would have been appalled if I had seen daisy's thread. How can it be right to ask that?

There seems to be a section of posters using the whole site as a fight club.

That being said it would make sense to me not to use BM as an acronym knowing that it can upset people to the same extent as tard or tard does. (Nope, can't type those words - too bloody horrific). those terms are freely thrown around the rest of the Internet aren't they, but they are still horrid and not acceptable on here.

Whereas swearing is.

It should come down to being respectful of each other and if you can't do that go start a fight on aibu so I don't have to see it

That is right, there is a section of posters who get off on picking fights and will use any spurious excuse to do so. That is the essence of bullying.

I'm offended by the number of people....

hear hear threex

I've done the bulk of my stepmothering. (Young adult stepchildren) Mumsnet wasn't really around in the tough years - perhaps fortunately? I read one or two books and talked to people when I didn't know what to do, or needed to let off steam.

However having recently discovered Mumsnet, there are clearly some very articulate caring stepmothers who are playing a hugely important role in bringing up their stepchildren - and who are sometimes trying to tackle issues about health, behaviour and development their own partners may be reluctant to look at.

Some posters describe mothers who - for one reason or another are unable to look after their children's teeth and/or stop their hair getting infested, and/or who are not engaging with issues where children wet and soil themselves during the day. Some of these mothers may have partners who abuse alcohol and illegal drugs. Some mothers may be dependent on these substances as well.

In such situations it wouldn't seem unreasonable to me to make a verbal distinction between the biological parent and the person who was - trying - to take on the actual responsibilities of helping a child to grow up.

No, people who continue to use/defend it after someone has said that it's rather offensive are dense/ignorant/thoughtless. That was my point.

soup my point is that not everyone gives new users the benefit of the doubt that you refer to; the strength of feeling is so strong that not only do new users who inadvertantly use the term receive abuse, their apology is dismissed and judgements continue to be made about them and their motives.

Theex, your poor baby. :( there are some individuals who should never have become parents.

Perhaps that is the essence of the discord here? That most posters here are by their very nature involved and interested in their children and their development. So to those parents the very idea that they would be so disinterested that they are effectively mothers in name only is horrific and demeaning.

For some of you as the 'extra' parent (sorry, don't know how to word it) you see these mothers and have to deal with them and their lack of parenting on a regular basis and to you they are mothers in name only.

I can sympathise with feeling the desire to use the term BM in these cases, but by using it there will be a backlash from those mothers who could never conceive of treating their children in such a way.

China, I don't think that the lack of understanding is confined to this topic though sadly. For parents of children with SN there is an equally small amount of consideration, for those on benefits etc etc.

I don't think people generally use BM as anything other than a shortened term for mother, real mother, actual mother etc. especially as it is used on other forums ust for that.

As I have said I have seen people ripped apart for using DH ex - when they should be saying scs mum.

I think those who are so up in arms about BM being used in what is clearly a non offensiive reason, as a part of a longer post merely for clarity who need to look at themselves and wonder why exactly they are so upset.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - as mothers we have a deep rooted primal dislike of someone else "mothering" our children - even those of us who are step other's or have had lovely experiences with our own step mothers.

People need to start looking at themselves and their own motivations and face up to that before they start casting stones at others.

There are quite a lot of posters who just can't - or won't - do that, Theex. The majority of us are aware of our own visceral responses and whether they are rational or not. Some people are not capable of that kind of insight. It's always someone else that's in the wrong.

I agree but I don't think honouring them and giving them what they want is the answer.

Prejudice should be chAllenged wherever it arises and in whatever form it takes.

Humouring them

Auto correct keeps changing things after I've checked them

Absolutely agree theex and cest that the knee jerk reaction to a single term in an op is wrong, dismissive and crap.

It is happening a lot all over the site though, perhaps an influx of newish posters who are using it as rant relief rather than reading the whole op and responding to the question (and gently pointing stuff out).

posters start woe type 'venting' threads as much as they ever did, and nothing ever changes.

And exactly why the hell shouldn't they????

Mumsnet is littered with woe is me threads - relationships, SN, LP, teens - etc etc etc etc.

None of these boards would exist without woe is me threads.

Are step parents some form of sub species then who shouldn't be sharing their problems and aren't entitled to the support of others?

Is the rest of mumsnet allowed support but not SPs with the unique issues it brings.

But it does happen that people start a woe is me thread and other posters respond by saying "look, you asked for advice previously and you ignored it" in relationships etc.

It isn't purely a sp problem.

scone I've only just come back to mumsnet after leaving for a few years - I don't know what's going on elsewhere here - but the pounding of new posters for using the wrong acronym is an age old problem - as is the influx of posters who have no interest in providing support

It takes a strong person to examine themselves - which is why the bigoted minority don't want to - self reflection can be a painful journey.

(And it's not new posters - its the same old same old banging the same drum)

But it does happen that people start a woe is me thread and other posters respond by saying "look, you asked for advice previously and you ignored it" in relationships etc.

I think there is a difference between insensitivity and bullying - a new poster who uses the term BM here on the step- boards is likely to be rounded on, asked why they are trying to exclude the DCs mum, whether they had a role in the marriage breakup, how it's not a surprise that the DCs mum is hostile if that's how the OP behaves - all because they have inadvertantly used a phrase that is accepted and encouraged elsewhere in virtual-society. Apologies aren't accepted and judgement and speculation continues long after the unsuspecting OP has left the forum!