Just found out some news that has shaken me ... What to do??

[daisychain01]

I would appreciate any thoughts and opinions. I do have a habit of "over thinking" things so bear with me.... Also if I give too much away it may identify me, so I will necessarily try to keep things a bit general, if thats OK.

Several years ago I lost my DH suddenly. It was like having my heart ripped out, to be honest, thats the only way I can describe it. I had 3 DSCs (adults) with whom I walked the tightrope between trying to build a loving relationship because that was really what I wanted but yet not to force myself into their lives or making them feel obliged to like me. I enjoy making efforts to make the relationships feel special, I did what I could. I also felt some sense of admiration that they accepted me at all, but then again I did feel from time to time they were putting up with me and I wasnt wanted on voyage. Step parenting is a tightrope we walk, often we cant do right for doing wrong, as was the case with them sometimes, and emotions could flip from one extreme to the other, but hey I accepted the rough with the smooth.

Within the year following my DHs death, it was as if the glue that held my relationship with them together had evaporated, and in short two of those relationships are now non-existent. The other DSC lives very far away but I do enjoy a warm occasional contact with that person, they are easy to chat to, as equals. There had been a sense of coldness with DHs other DCs even during the time we were together, looking back I wonder if they just hid it because their DHs presence was moderating it. Without DH there, I felt as though the resentment that they may have felt (but hidden) did come to the surface. I don't blame them, or think they were bad and I am good. Life just isnt like that! So anyway after a lot of soul searching I realised that the relationships felt negative and (perhaps triggered by DHs death) I increasingly felt "time to let go, they don't need to feel obliged to keep in touch". They are getting on with their lives with their own families which I am pleased about. I dont believe they feel any great sense of loss that I am not in their lives. I would wish it could be different but maybe any bond I wished for was only ever a figment of my imagination and wishful thinking. In amongst all this, me losing my DH made me very vulnerable and I couldn't tough things out, I had had the stuffing knocked out of me. So, it has been about 4 years since we have been in touch, we have all scattered in opposite directions and part of me feels very sad, part of me has felt reconciled that it is the right thing to do, having been apart so long it would be inappropriate to get in touch and it may do more harm than good.

I am the sort of person who, if I feel that the feelings are unrequited, I would rather withdraw (not in a sulk) but just because I believe in relationships that by and large are positive and make people feel happy are the best, and those somewhat negative ones where people just constant rub each other the wrong way are better to let go of.

Today, I found out some news that has made me think twice, but I am still undecided. I found out that their mother has been very ill, still having treatment, and I wonder whether any good can come from me getting in touch to say I am sorry, and just give some moral support. Again, part of me thinks its not going to help, they may not even realise I know, and yet, my sense of love is coming to the surface (especially as we did have happy times as every family has in greater or lesser measures!). maybe I'll just get the complete cold shoulder and wish I had not contacted them!

Should I just stay well away, not stir up any negative emotions they may have, or could it be of any help during this difficult time to know I am thinking of them and maybe they might see things differently these days?

Thanks for reading this, and I appreciate your advice x

as someone who had a mum, stepfather, dad and stepmother, i would say do not bother....

I don't think it ever hurts to get in touch with people who are going through something like this. You don't need to hark back to your dh or your relationship with them. just say that you've heard that their dm is very unwell, your heart goes out to them and if they would like to get in touch with you, you will always be there for them. If they don't get back to you, what have you to lose?

i would get in touch, via email or a card, to say 'sorry to hear your mum is ill. let me know if there's anything i can do, my thoughts are with you' it's what your dh would want and you sound like a nice person

Get in touch as a family member/friend, rather than in the role of step-parent. My family is extended, and has almost every variant of relationship. Inevitably that caused stresses over the years, but now I'm older than I care to admit to, I just value the amount of people in my life who care about me and my children. Actual roles, particularly parental ones, are largely irrelevant if you're not a child (and its not your actual parent). But a friendly face, kind words when you need it, they are always welcome.

i would send a card.

Please don't.

What 'overthemill' said

twirlydot - why not?

I would say that they tolerated you whilst their father was around and once he was gone dropped contact. They chose to drop contact. Now their mother is very ill. They may not respond well to their former step mother reappearing when they're at risk of losing their remaining parent.

Send a card. I have step parents, ex step parents my dc have step parents and ex step parents. A simple offer of support and understanding without any form of pressure can never hurt. Just let them know you are always there and you care. Don't ask for information or a reply and what can they possibly object to? It is nice to know people care - even if you have no intention of going to them.

I wouldn't - can't put my finger on why exactly but as a stepmother and a stepchild - it doesn't feel like the "right time"

pepper I dont suppose there will be a "right" time in my situation which is why it is such a dilemma for me. The shock of the news has shaken up my emotions, I think its the thought that having lost their DF already, my heart goes out to them that their DMs health situation has occurred. My inner self wants to rush round and put my arm round them, but that's fairy tale stuff and highly unlikely to be where they are at, in their lives. I guess I am challenging my own motives and trying to do things for the right reasons not because I feel a surge of love even after 4 years of no contact!

Overthemill, belated the card idea is really appealing, it is so benign. If they want to read it and bin it they can. I'm fine with that. Sometimes I feel maybe there have been too many words left unspoken since DHs passing, but as I said, I felt too bruised and battered to say stuff that wasnt welcome, so I had to let go. So this will just be something for the present and the future. The past is consigned to history, we all have our memories personal to us that I dont want to shake up or disturb.

I will give everyone's advice a great deal of thought thankyou, and try to do the right thing. I know my DH would want us to be happy, either separately or together. He was a pragmatist, but a softie too!

I don't think the card is so "benign" though.
If I were to receieve a card out of the blue at what, I imagine, is a distressing time then I may not respond to it, but I would be worrying about whether I should respond or not.
It is something that people suggest to those "wanting to do something" but it is not benign as even if the OP has no response that doesn't mean the recipient isn't stewing about what to do.
If you want to make contact now after four years I would question your motives - sorry if that is harsh - but I think this is about you and what is going on (or not) in your life not about your stepchildren or your late husband.

Don't, they chose to let contact with you go. Don't stir up feelings at a very fragile time.

Very difficult.

But basically I think leave it.

If my dad died tomorrow (heaven forbid) I would probably keep in touch with my step mother through a sense of obligation to him and because she has been part of my life for 30 years.

If my mother died (again, heaven forbid) I would never speak to my step father again. I might send him a Christmas card.

Were they adult children at the time OP? and what were the circumstances as to how you and your dh met....did their mother suffer because of you and your dh relationship.

I so understand why you would want to keep in contact, even if sporadic. I am assuming you had no children with your late dh. I think you might possibly find in time that they decide to contact you anyway, but I do think that a card most certainly would not cause any further upset to them, they are very fortunate to have a sm who so obviously genuinely cares for them.

Pepper, surely the card wouldnt just be out of the blue, as in "i just felt like putting pen to paper for the hell of it". Isnt the context important? ie it is being triggered by ill-health of a close family member? But to your point regarding the onus of them getting in touch with me, yes absolutely it is more than a passing thought that I dont want them to be obliged to do anything, simply to hold out a hand. But knowing them the way I do, believe me they wouldnt feel any obligation! They do have their own busy lives, There has not been any actual event that has led to the "drifting apart" but hey some people stew over things that they never mention. But I dont want it to be misconstrued negatively, whatever I decide to do, because they are human beings who I respect.

Rules they were mid-late teens, there was no acrimony or dishonour surrounding DH and I meeting and getting together.

witchofmiddx thank you for your kind words. I will always care, the pain of losing DH was further compounded by the fact that he was the figurehead that held everything together, and it all just fell apart after losing him. It has been such a lesson to me about how a death (especially one that happens suddenly) can massively change the dynamics of a family unit, and it does not presuppose that people automatically pull closer together. Sometimes it can act as a catalyst to change things dramatically when things might have chugged along, as families and life has a habit of doing. I try hard not to live in a world of "what if?"s but it could have been so different. As it is, I have made damn sure I dont burden those DSCs with my grief (hey they lost their DH) hence a lot of things were left unspoken at the time, but I did what I believed was right, in the long run. Either that, or break down constantly and lean on them heavily which was the other extreme. I thought one day maybe they will chose to proactively get in touch, but this latest piece of bad news has once again created a seismic shift. I am glad that you see the card is benign. My gut feel is that its the right thing to do, saying or doing nothing feels wrong. I take it back to the human basics of people needing kindness when something in their world is in flux.

When I say there was no actual event triggering the drifting apart, I will qualify that by saying, yes I believe DHs death was definitely a strong influencing factor, but I think there were just strong negative vibes rather than a big family bust up. OMG I just don't do confrontation, it fills me with dread, saying spiteful things that you can never take back. I think a few occasions I was being goaded and prodded into a reaction that would have been another of those " damned if I do, damned if I dont" situations! Cant win, us SMs!!

I think in your situation I would send a card. You can say that there is no need to reply. I agree with you that saying and doing nothing feels wrong. I get the feeling that if you don't, you will always wish you had, and feel guilty.

I wonder whether they have also dropped contact with you for similar reasons to the ones you give. Maybe in their grief for their father, they couldn't handle the relationship with you. You only understand your feelings, not theirs, and their story may be different to yours.

I don't know if that makes sense. But if I were you, I'd write a card. If you never hear back, so be it. If you do, you may find you have a relationship with one or more of your DSCs again, and you may both/all benefit.

You sound lovely btw!

I think I would send a card too.

I guess I am lucky - I have a DSS and we're really close. After DH died 2 years ago, we have become even closer and he regularly visits (and I go and see him at university sometimes). And I know if his mother became ill, I would be there for him.

It is difficult Daisy, and I feel for you. I also understand how something like this could stir up your own loss too. It's one of those times you'd love to talk to him, to let him know and discuss the best things to do, isn't it?

I would send a card, and just say you are so sorry to hear of their mother's illness, that you're thinking of them and if there is anything you can do, you will be there for them.

It's interesting what you say about death can change family dynamics. I found that it exposed both the good and the not so good people. A very interesting lesson to learn!

You do sound lovely Daisy, and I think sending a card from the goodness in your heart is the right thing to do

Wow, i must say talking through this with you all has brought to the surface some massive emotions that I had buried over time (through necessity as much as anything)! Definitely got a big lump in my throat now.

UC a really good point you make, yes I am sure (and hope) they needed to step away from the relationship with me, to deal with the shock in their own way. I hope it was an "easy", if thats the right word, process for them, total freedom and no recriminations or pressure - trouble was it was a horrendously difficult thing to do, if I am really honest, I still feel that, but sometimes the right thing can also be the most difficult thing!

rindercella yup, you hit on it there! Yes, there have been more times than I care to remember that DH is the person who could help me make sense of dilemmas like this, and the evidence of that gap has not lessened by the passage of time. I am so sorry for your loss, so recent for you (2 years in terms of the bereavement process can feel like the blink of an eye, its totally unique in each case). I am really happy for you and your DSS that you enjoy a loving and positive relationship. That is a great outcome, because you benefit from the past memories as well as being there for his ongoing maturity and adulthood. I hope your life is fulfilling and rewarding

I am step parent and step child and I would say send a card. I would put the wording in a way thats say you know things are tough and likely busy for them just now and they shouldn't worry about replying but that should they need you even for practical help then they should just let you know. That way you take the worry of responding for whatever reason away from them and you dont then feel let down if there is no response.
I often worry despite having a good relationship with my step kids (21/19/15) that should something happen to DH contact would drift. DH is our lynch pin. All blended families have one person who has that role I think

That's sad news and a very difficult situation. Yes, I'd send a card, and I'd go with the wording LGL suggests.